Lessons From A Gathering Of Men ~ How Mens Work Is Redefining Masculinity And Improving Mens Lives

For the past 20 years or so I’ve been writing about men’s issues and attempting to engage men in a new conversation about masculinity. When I first began writing, there were very few resources available to men who were ready to engage in this type of dialog. At times I felt isolated and alone but there was a part of me that instinctively knew there were other men who were ready to redefine the roles of manhood.

As I fast forward to January 2017, a lot has changed. With the advent of the Internet and the fast pace of technology growth, I now see how my vision from long ago is beginning to manifest on a global scale. Because of the Internet, I have been able to positively engage men around the globe with my positive message of creating a new paradigm of masculinity for men.

In addition to my work, there are now thousands of coaches, therapists, authors, motivational speakers and organizations that are ushering in new ways for men to interact and relate in this ever-changing world we live in. In no way am I saying I’m responsible for this change. I’m simply acknowledging that my vision of redefining masculinity is being manifested in ways that I only dreamt of twenty years ago.

I am filled with a deep sense of optimism and hope for the future for all men. This optimism arises out of my belief in human evolution and transformation. I do not accept the media generated perception that the world is getting worse and we are headed down a path of destruction. Quite the contrary, I believe we are living in the most opportunistic times in the history of our planet and the future is filled with unlimited possibilities for anyone who is willing to put forth the effort. But most importantly, I’m excited about the evolution of masculinity which I believe will usher in a new way of being and relating on the planet that is going to begin eradicating the majority of social challenges facing our world.

This book is my attempt to share my optimism in hopes that more men and women will embrace a new paradigm of masculinity which I believe can transform the world.

Acknowledgements

First, foremost and always, I must acknowledge the Divine Intelligence that created and is still creating this amazing universe we live in. This Intelligence goes by many names but I simply refer to it as The Source. I acknowledge The Source for my gifts, passion and persistence in sharing my ideas with the world. I am grateful to have created a deep connection and intimacy with The Source and it is the driving force of my life. It infuses me with creativity, optimism, patience and a deep sense of purpose as I allow it to guide me to fulfill my life’s purpose. So to The Source I simply say, THANK YOU for everything. My life is a miracle!

To: Graham Reid Phoenix, I would like to acknowledge you for your vision of a virtual men’s group and accepting me into the group. I must admit that I was a bit skeptical at first about the effectiveness of an online virtual men’s group. However, it has been a source of great growth and connection for me and I am so glad I joined.

To: Tom Kelley, Richard Arsic, Boysen Hodgson. Enric Carbo’, Eivind Figenschau Skjellum, Jeffrey Platts, Michael Over and Luis Louro Oliveira. I want to thank each of you for how you show up in the Virtual Men’s Gathering (VMG) Group. It has been an honor and a pleasure to engage with you on this journey and I feel deeply blessed to be able to call you my friends. I look forward to continued growth and success in all areas of our lives.

To: Brett Churnin, although you aren’t a part of the VMG Group, your work with supporting men in creating men’s groups is extremely important. The reason I put this book together is to provide men with a resource to support their growth, and your work definitely does that. You left an indelible mark with me at the Shift Networks Men’s Conference and I’m glad we are still working together to bring men’s work to the masses. Good luck!

To all the men who are ready to receive the message in this book, I simply say Welcome! This book is a labor of love that I hope will bring you insights and wisdom to support you in living a rewarding and fulfilling life. Since you are reading this book, I am going to assume that you are ready to take 100% responsibility for your life and my hope is that this book supports you in doing so. This book is written as a guide to support you in navigating this amazing gift called life and to help you embrace authentic masculinity that allows you to be and express who you really are without the confines and restraints of an antiquated masculine culture. It’s time for you to wake up to who and what you really are and to become the amazing man I know you are capable of becoming.

Good luck!

Foreword

Michael Taylor has been a friend of mine for over six years, ever since we met at the ‘Evolving Men’s Conference’ in Boulder, Colorado, in 2010. Both of us have been writing, broadcasting and coaching for men for longer than that. When we met, we found that, independently, we had re-created ourselves out of the disasters of our lives. We both found we had the desire to take what we had done and make it available for men everywhere.

One of the most important aspects of the work we do is developing the connections between men. This starts with our own connections with men. We achieve this partly through the men’s groups that we belong to where the connection we find is the essential bedrock that we build the rest of our work on.

We are in a men’s group together, even though we live on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean. We meet every other Friday for ninety minutes with other men from around the world. There are men from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Norway, Spain, Portugal and the Czech Republic. We are of different ages, cultures, colors and races who share our lives and our problems as men.

I created this group, the ‘Virtual Men’s Gathering’, three years ago because I live in remote rural Spain and I could find no men around me to meet with. So I harnessed the power of the Internet to set up a virtual meeting where we can sit in a circle and look each other in the eye, and be present with each other. Michael was one of the first men to join me in the group, along with many of the men who write about their experiences in this book.

In the book, I talk about the process I went through in my life that brought me to creating this group. What is crucial for you to know is that being in this group has transformed my life. All the men I know who are creating transformation in their lives are doing it through being in a men’s group, either face to face or virtually. With modern technology, location is no longer a block to finding or creating a group. You can just step up and do it.

There is a lot in this book about the importance of the connection created by being in a circle with other like-minded men. I want to emphasize this now: connection is everything. It is the way to heal our souls and it is the way we grow and develop. As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said,

"The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers & cities; but to know someone who thinks & feels with us, & who, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden."

I want to finish by quoting Michael as he talks about men and men’s work,

"Real men understand that true happiness comes from within, it comes from intimately connecting with others and having deep and meaningful relationships, it comes from doing work that you are passionate about, it comes from being generous towards others, but most of all, happiness simply comes by being at peace with who you are and knowing that you are enough no matter what the external circumstances."

Enjoy the book and use it to do the one thing that will catapult you forward, join a men’s group.

Graham Reid,

Phoenix, November 2016

The historic ascent of humanity, taken as a whole, may be summarized as a succession of victories of consciousness over blind forces—in nature, in society, in man himself.

Leon Trotsky

Chapter 1

A Shift in Male Consciousness

I’d like you to take a moment and think about a very big question. When I ask the question, take a moment and really think about it before you give your answer. Are you ready? Here it is. What do you believe is the greatest challenge facing our world today?

I told you it was a big question, so, do you have an answer?

If you watch our current media you may have answered that the greatest challenge facing our world is one of these things:

Terrorism

Poverty

Racism

Violence

Global Warming

Corporate Corruption

Homophobia

Religious Fundamentalism

But what if I told you that our greatest challenge isn’t even on this list? What if I told you that our greatest challenge has very little to do with this list but actually is the reason that this list exists?

So before I give my answer, I would like to let you know that this is my opinion and my opinion only. I have come to this conclusion as a result of more than 25 years of research and after writing several books on this particular topic. Would you like to know what I believe is the greatest challenge facing our world? Here it is. I believe the greatest challenge facing our world today is to:

Redefine manhood and create a new paradigm of masculinity on the planet.

So why do I believe this is the greatest challenge? Let’s break it down!

If you take a look at the list above, you may notice that men contribute overwhelmingly to these problems. Most terrorists are men, men are responsible for the overwhelming majority of violence in our culture, most corporate CEOs are men and the truth is most religious fundamentalist preachers are men. Based on these facts, it should be easy to recognize that men create a lot of challenges in the world.

So the question we must ask ourselves is, are men the real problem?

Despite what I just shared, I believe the answer is a resounding no. At the heart of these problems aren’t men, at the heart of these problems is an antiquated paradigm of masculinity that men are trapped in and they unfortunately aren’t even conscious of it. So in order to remove the challenges I mentioned earlier, we must create a new culture or paradigm of masculinity that helps men awaken to new ways of being and relating as men.

This is much easier said than done. During the last twenty years or so that I’ve been writing about men’s work and attempting to help men improve their lives, I have been accused of male bashing and selling out men. I’ve been called a mangina, a wimp, a sensitive new age guy and a man who is basically out of touch with reality. But despite these attacks, I stand firm on my contention that the key to resolving the overwhelming majority of problems facing our world is to redefine manhood and create a new paradigm of masculinity.

So how do we do this? How do we get men to embrace this new idea and join this new revolution that is designed to make their lives better? How do we get men to open up and realize that there is a better way to embrace masculinity that will support them in being happier, more fulfilled and passionate about their lives?

The key to doing this is to create a shift in male consciousness.

What I mean by that is we must challenge men to examine their deeply held thoughts, feelings and subconscious beliefs about what it means to be a man and become aware of the erroneous internal dialog men sometimes have with themselves. It is an inside job, which encompasses addressing our beliefs, emotions, judgments and assumptions about what it means to be a man. It begins with a single man and then expands to groups of men and then cities of men and then countries of men and ultimately the entire planet.

In the words of the great philosopher Lao Tzu, If you want to remove the darkness from your world you must first be willing to remove the darkness from within yourself. So this shift in male consciousness is the removal of darkness within ourselves so that we can ultimately remove it from our world. I am so committed to making this happen I have even started my own publishing company with the sole intent and purpose of transforming the world one man at a time.

In case you haven’t noticed yet, I consider myself to be an irrepressible optimist. Despite what you may see or have concluded from watching the media, it is my fervent belief that the world is on a trajectory of positivity and the future is filled with unlimited possibilities for those people who are willing to take 100% responsibility for their lives and are willing to capitalize on the technological and informational advances that are currently being made around the globe.

Amazingly, most people do not share my sense of optimism, especially when it comes to men. On the surface it appears that men are like the old dogs that can’t learn new tricks, but I on the other hand believe that you can teach old dogs new tricks and that is the reason for my optimism.

The primary reason I remain optimistic about men is because I believe men are going through an evolutionary cycle. This evolutionary cycle is not based on Darwin’s theory of evolution but rather my own theory of how men are evolving. My theories are based on my own research and are actually my own personal observations, opinions and beliefs about men. I am not going to provide you with scientific statistics (I really dislike statistics) or scientifically substantiated proof. I am simply going to share my perceptions of the status of men in society and where I believe men are headed.

It is my opinion and belief that there are five stages of evolution that males have gone through. (I shared these stages in my previous book, A New Conversation With Men, in 2008.) As I share these five stages, simply ask yourself if they make sense to you. Try to take a global view, because this evolutionary process is global. Men around the globe have gone through and continue to go through this process. It does not matter what country you’re from or what part of the world you were born into. The five stages of evolution for males are:

The Caveman Male

The Warrior Male

The Religious Male

The Scientific Male

The Authentic Male

The Caveman Male

This is where it all began. The caveman male had three basic responsibilities. First, he was responsible for securing shelter. His job was to find a cave that kept him out of the elements and provided protection from those carnivorous animals that were trying to have him for dinner. Second, he was responsible for finding a mate to insure the continuation of the species. Third, he was responsible for feeding and protecting his family. It was his job to literally bring home the bacon (or whatever prehistoric equivalent there was to a pig) and at the same time make sure he did not become a meal himself. His primary objective was simply survival.

With the exception of inclement weather and the occasional run in with saber-tooth tigers, the caveman male had a pretty good life. He did everything on instinct and relied solely on his intuition and gut feelings. That is how he survived and thrived. These instincts and gut feelings led him to amazing discoveries, which propelled him to evolve into the warrior male.

The Warrior Male

The warrior male had the same responsibilities as the caveman male, but the warrior male had developed language. Language allowed the warrior male to expand on the discoveries of the caveman male and develop new tools and new weapons that the caveman male did not have access to.

With the addition of language, the warrior male began communicating in new and different ways with his surroundings. This new form of communication allowed him to expand his awareness and ultimately led him to conclude that he was different from anyone who did not look like him or behave like him. With this way of viewing the world, his primary objective became conquering anyone who he perceived to be different. This led to war and separation amongst men. After several hundred years, the warrior male had to continue to evolve to insure the continuation of the species and therefore the religious male was formed.

The Religious Male

As a way of removing some of the violent and inhumane acts against men, the religious male was born. This was the result of the emergence of highly evolved human beings that taught new ways of being men in society. These spiritual masters demonstrated that it was possible to live in peace and harmony with each other, and they provided spiritual principles that taught men how to live together. Unfortunately, their teachings were sometimes misinterpreted and abused, and they became the foundation for more wars and killings in the name of the spiritual teachers. Eventually men began to reject the teachings of the spiritual masters and started to rely strictly on science and intellectual understanding to try to solve people’s problems. This lead to new technological breakthroughs which created the next step in male evolution: the scientific male.

The Scientific Male

The scientific male relies solely on his intellect and science to solve problems. He is constantly looking outside himself for answers and relies on technology to help fix whatever ails him. He realizes that he has access to things like television and the Internet, and he places most of his faith in material things. He exhibits qualities of the caveman male, the warrior male, and the religious male, but his primary focus is on external things. As a result, he has experienced emptiness and disconnection which is now propelling him towards new ways of being a man. He is tired of looking for external validation and is seeking something real, something that he can invest his soul into, something with meaning and fulfillment. The only way he can experience this is to evolve into the authentic male.

The Authentic Male

The authentic male is the culmination of all aspects of