The Meditations of Thomas Sandoski

David William Kirby

The Dogbreaths Publishing

The Meditations of

Thomas Sandoski

David William Kirby

©Copyright 2014 by David William Kirby

The Dogbreaths Publishing

ISBN: 9781311775368

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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The Meditations of Thomas Sandoski

©The Dogbreaths Publishing 2014

David William Kirby 2014

Prologue

Relax now, let’s get a little quiet. Calm down and just concentrate on my voice. I want you to close your eyes and listen to the sound of your heart beating; listen to your heart beating and the sound of my voice.

Breathe in as much air your lungs can hold, hold it and slowly exhale, breathe in deep, hold it and exhale as slowly as you can.

Concentrate on your breathing; that’s right, and the sound of my voice.

Breathe in deeply, hold it and slowly breathe out.

As you are breathing, deep and slow; feel all the stress from the day leave that body; from the tips of your toes and the soles of your feet. As you exhale push all that stress out the bottom of your feet; see it leave your body as you exhale, as you slowly hiss air from your lungs.

They’re going numb now, those toes of yours, they are getting so numb and the feeling of numbness is creeping up your feet, past your ankles and into your calves. Your feet feel relaxed and numb.

Totally numb.

Imagine the stress of the day leaving your body when you exhale; visualise it leaving through the soles of your feet. As the numbness rises from the tips of your toes, over both feet, up to your knees, and further up, past your calves to your thighs.

You are completely numb from the tips of your toes, up to those knees of yours and up to your thighs.

All you can hear is the beating of your heat, my voice and your deep and slow breath.

Your hips are feeling numb now, so heavy and numb they’re sinking into your seat, as the stress of the day leaves your body.

You can feel the numbness around your chest, making your breathing deeper and slower. It’s going now, all that stress is quietly leaving, through the soles of your feet as you exhale.

Say goodbye to that stress, bye-bye. It’s being pushed out the soles of your feet with each breath.

Feel the numbness creep up, across your shoulders and down your arms to your fingertips, you are totally relaxed.

Your whole body is heavy and numb and you are sinking back into your seat, a dead weight; as all that stress goes away. See it leave your body through the soles of your numb feet.

Now that numbness is creeping up the back of your neck and across the top of your head, across your ears and that tingling is the stress of the day going away.

Pushed out of your body with every breath, there it goes, push it away.

Now the numbness is creeping down your face, all those tight little muscles are relaxing and sinking down, down to sleep. You feel numb now, from the tips of your toes to the tips of your fingers and all over your heavy head; across your chest and all over your face.

You are totally relaxed; from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.

Totally numb, as the stress of the day, leaves your sinking body; sinking, deeper and deeper into that place.

That restful, safe and relaxed place you love.

Now imagine a bright white light, radiating love and everything good in this world, beaming like a lighthouse above the top of your head. Every time you suck air into your lungs you feel some of that intense, white light, get sucked into the top of your head, and with it, into your body. Then as you exhale that bright luminescence is pushed through your body and out the soles of your feet.

You are becoming a conduit of bright and intense divine, white light, it’s coming into your head, through your body, and out through the bottom of your feet.

Feel it run through you; in your head and out your feet as you breathe; deep and slow.

With every relaxed breath and every slow exhalation you are getting heavier and heavier as the numbness takes hold.

Now, imagine that divine light filling you up, making you a shining star. You are glowing with intense divine light and with each breath more is sucked into your body.

Now the area around you is shimmering with divine beauty, you are lighting up the whole area with your intense, divine radiance. Every time you suck that bright, intense light into the top of your head, your heavy body fills with luminescence and as you exhale that light out you light up that space.

You can feel yourself becoming lighter as you fill with divine light.

Your intense illumination is radiating about you; filling that place with its perfect beauty. You are glowing and that divine iridescence is filling up the room; through the walls of that place and across the street outside. The whole city is now lit up by your brilliance and you can feel beams of your beautiful white light, reach up to the sky. The sky is radiating your light and beauty and the whole planet is now shining with the luminescence of your divine light.

You are projecting it far into space, far across the universe. You are pure divine light; shining out across the planet and lighting the sky.

The cosmos and you are one; shining a light of pure divine thought.

You are pure universal consciousness, pure love and pure light. SHINING INFINITE and FOR EVER.

You are ‘switched on’.

Hallo, Sadhaka... The Sadhu said as he filtered into Thomas’ line of vision.

...I was wondering when you would remember me, and then, just thinking about you drew us together.

Sadhu... Sadhaka replied. He tried to process his friend’s wisdom but his senses felt shell-shocked and so hazy he wondered if it was a dream or a fractured reality.

...is it really you?

Of course... His friend smiled. ...to remember is to call forth.

Sarah... Sadhaka whispered nervously. The wounded and weak man began thinking about his lost love and right on queue she drew up beside him.

...surely, it can’t be you?

Why do you ask... She whispered, taking a seat beside Sadhu, and looking to the West. The sun was rising above the oblique horizon and fingers of yellow sunlight reached up to stroke their glowing faces. The whole scene flooded in an intense confusion of colour and light which made it feel unreal; almost a fantasy..

...I have been here all the time... She glowed like a star in the bleak night sky.

...sitting quietly beside you.

You see Sadhaka... The Sadhu laughed in that way only he could, his smile lighting up the space around him, with an intensely glowing aura. Mainly violet but with many other hues, it gave him a cartoon like appearance, cat like and benign.

"...I told you it was all an illusion and now you understand, don’t you?"

Yes... Sadhaka replied reaching out for Sarah and finding her hair in his fingers. It felt as soft as he remembered on their wedding day; lifting her lace veil and running his fingers through her silken trestles. He looked into those eyes. Eyes that were bright and so full of life that they filled him with sudden grief; then he felt those familiar tears creeping down his cheeks.

...but that does not make it any easier.

Don’t feel sad my friend... The Sadhu smiled as his image faded. His voice echoed in the darkness as it died away; ringing out like a bell in thick fog.

...enjoy the time you have together.

Why so sad? Sarah asked reaching across to take his dirty hand. Thomas used his free hand to wipe his eyes and gritted his teeth. He could not quite believe that they were magically together again; across the abyss of time and space, their love had found a way.

You would never understand... He replied. The suddenly, they were back in their little cottage, on the outskirts of Warsaw; looking through the glittering kitchen window. Outside the garden was in full bloom and the roses filled the air with their succulent aromas.

...still, it does not matter, now we are here together.

The placed looks so tidy... Sarah replied. She looked about the kitchen and he agreed that the paintwork glowed as if it had just been painted. Even the crockery had a special glint as if it had been cleaned only moments ago.

...Look at the garden, the roses look so beautiful at this time of year, and that smell is delicious.

We were happy here. Thomas replied wistfully, placing his arm over her shoulder, and enjoying her company and her scent.

Sarah had such a beautiful smell, it was the epitome of feminine womanhood, and always aroused his senses so wonderfully. It was the scent of jasmine, it used to permeate her clothing after doing their laundry, using her home made soap constructed of pure jasmine from their herb garden.

You look so beautiful. He whispered kissing her neck gently. Being there in the home they had shared together made all the pain of the past slip back into the ether.

It was as if the past few years had never happened, as he stood there, by her side again. She lay her head back against his chin and pulled his hands across her belly holding him close. They stood there for an immeasurable period of time, arm in arm, silent and unmoving; enjoying the caress of their skin against skin. Star crossed lovers whose destiny was forever entangled.

Do you know something?Sarah said to him at last, sighing thoughtfully and taking a long, intense breath.

I wish this moment could last forever.

So do I. He replied softly.

He closed his eyes, and the feeling of her in his arms started to fade, it splintered into a million tiny fragments, like dreams always do.

Thomas Sandoski coughed and blinked a little. Why, he thought, when he reached this most crucial point, did he always lose focus? He could not keep his concentration long enough for their bodies to enter that state of perfection he’d been told about.

A state where they’d lose their form and their being would merge into one. To roam free from the shackles of mortality and experience universal perception; it was a state of mind he truly desired to experience. But, alas he realized, his desire was the problem.

The 40 year old strained his eyes against the blackness that surrounded him, hardly moving. Even the subtle lifting of his chest, as he breathed, was so imperceptible that he may have appeared dead to any visitor. Not that a visitor was likely in that godforsaken place. Where only the sound of rats and water dripping echoed in the darkness and the ever present smell of methane permeated the thick air.

The man felt another sharp pain rack his tired body as his shrunken stomach cried for food. This pointed barb diverted his mind from the ever present throbbing which came from his rotting left foot.

Thomas was sure he could feel rats nibbling away at the gangrened flesh, or eating the maggots that festered there, as they shuttled to and fro in the darkness. He’d seen them, the last time a shaft of sunlight shone through a crack in his sewer home, rats that were as large as cats and brave as lions. He knew they were there and imagined them nibbling away, devouring him slowly, one toe at a time.

How he wished he could be in sunlight with Sarah once again. To feel the warm sun against his face, and the sultry breeze of a summer day, rush through his hair. The summer sun, his withered memories recalled, twinkled like a faint star in the deep recesses of his mind.

Yes, Thomas remembered, he used to like the summer.

The carefree warmth of a summer day seemed so distant; and yet if he tried very hard, the memory...

Chapter One:

Rites of spring.

Warsaw March 1939

Music blared from the stage as a group of family members danced together merrily. Arm in arm, spinning to the violin, accordion and drums, which were played by Uncle Henri, Cousin Rolf and his mother Selene, they danced joyously. The Sandoski-Hoff families were very musical and these family reunions were loud and riotous occasions; with traditional Polish folk music and the rippling sounds of happy children.

Dancing came easy to the family, and today was especially a happy occasion, being Grandpa Hoff’s Sixty Ninth Birthday. The grizzled old man sat, pipe in hand, nodding to the music next to the long table. A table which overflowed with food and alcoholic beverages; mainly vodka, which was the old man’s favourite.

Selene and Henri Hoff used the old man’s family name instead of Henri’s in respect of the old man; perhaps when the he died they might revert to Henri’s family name, Du Gurre. But while the old man was still marching on they were happy to be Hoffs.

As the music echoed through the cherry blossom, Thomas recalled the feeling of damp grass underfoot and the thick scent of jasmine rising from the budding flower beds. Flower beds which he and Sarah had tenderly managed and cared for over the time they had lived in that house; effort which was rewarded with the beautiful colours and scents of spring. He looked around his lush garden and smiled.

Thomas remembered peering across the slow motion figures, the jumping insects, the spell bound fixtures of friends and neighbours, as his gaze met that of the woman he loved.

Sarah, her dark hair glistening with sunlight, those deep brown eyes like wells of love and adoration peered back at him across the still scene and he recognised that subtle look of seduction. That gentle smile which reached into his beating heart and made it silent.

Between all the noise of the musicians and the frantic dancing only they mattered in that moment.

Salute’. Old man Hoff croaked. This was really a command for all the adults to join him in another toast, to long life and to music, to family and to alcohol.

The old man glanced across the smiling faces that looked back at him expectantly with his glass raised; until his eyes met those of his eldest daughter, Sarah. Then the old man’s smile evaporated. He sniffed loudly and looked away shaking his head slowly while those gathered shouted back.

Salute.

Sarah shrugged and filled her glass. She lifted it and toasted her husband on the other side of the garden in spite of her father. Suddenly Rolf Hoff, Selene’s eldest son and Sarah’s nephew, grabbed her hand and dragged her to a space in the middle of everyone. Henri picked up the boy’s accordion and played. Together they danced to the frantic folk music, like two teenagers, even though Sarah was thirty years his senior.

Thomas... a friendly voice encroached upon Thomas’ thoughts and drew his attention away from his family.

...is this your wife’s ravishing sister and her family that I’ve heard so much about?

Ah, Winkleman; you brute...Thomas smiled seeing the stout and full bodied face of his neighbour addressing him.

...It is, and that is her father, Old Mr Hoff whose birthday is today. Are you enjoying our hospitality? I see you must be for that is the third glass of vodka I’ve seen you drink, and how long have you been here, ten minutes or less; please remind me?

I didn’t realise you were counting. Winkleman replied in that gruff, abrupt tone he was known for. The man lifted a thick finger, and tugged at his grease stained shirt collar, mumbling with his mouth full.

This food is good my friend, tell me, is all Jewish food this good?

Food is food is food. Thomas replied giving the table the once over. Smoked salmon, bagels, kosher butter, clotted cream, potato