Who Am I, God?: A Journey Book
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Who Am I, God? - Katherine Louise
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Copyright © 2017 by Katherine Louise Publishing
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
All photos are subject to copyright by Carly Smith at Oakway Photography.
Printed in the United States of America
BookBaby, 2017
ISBN 978-0-9986059-1-3
Katherine Louise Publishing
To all the dreamers that feel like they’ve had the wind taken from their sails—This one is for you. Never stop dreaming.
Contents
Introduction: The Journey
Breaking the human shell
School day age
Answered in truth
Purpose prevails
Eventually we all face-plant
Identity: discovering the plain princess within
The process of maturing
The fear of losing control
Acknowledgements
First, thank You, Jesus, for saving me from religion, and myself, and a mundane, drab existence. Thank You for Your mercy and love which I find joy discovering more and more each day. Thank You, Jesus, for divine relationships and for speaking to us through different mediums. You are such a good, good Daddy.
To my Mommy and earthly Daddy: How could I ever begin to thank you? A thousand books, a million dollars, a lifetime of gratitude, will never be enough. But for now, this is all I can give. Thank you, Mom. Thank you, Dad. You’re my best friends, my prayer warriors, my motivators. Thanks for always teaching me to dream the impossible. Thanks for nurturing me. I wouldn’t even be half the woman I am without your support, love, motivation, late-night lullabies, and go-get-’ems. I honor you, forever and always.
To my brother, who also pushed me beyond what I thought I could handle, but always held me when it was too much: Thank you for being my Superman even when you were facing your own Kryptonite. I couldn’t have done life without you.
To Jimmy and Tina, Ed and Jeanette, and The North Gate: You’re more than just a church; you’re my family. I’m so blessed to be a part of such an incredible group of people who believe all things are possible through Christ who gives us strength. Thanks for blowing life back into my God-sized dreams. Thanks for your prayers and tears and taking time for my late-night breakdowns.
To all the friends who have supported and encouraged me along the way: I could write countless pages of names. I want to thank you for your prayers, your patience, and for always believing in me. Thank you for never allowing me the opportunity to throw in the towel.
To all my teachers and professors (you know who you are) who I can thank one, for impeccable writing skills, and two, for allowing me to use writing as a creative outlet. It’s been one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever discovered. Thank you for your time. Each of you has encouraged me more than you realize.
Finally, I’d like to thank all of the students, and young men and women that have told me that my story is worth telling. Thank you for taking time to listen. Thank you for being vulnerable, and authentic, and for standing in my corner when reality seemed too harsh. I encourage you to never stop believing in achieving the impossible.
If I could fit all the names of the people who have stood by me and shaped me into who I am, I would have at least three other books to publish. Although I couldn’t list you one by one, please do not let that diminish the value of your relationship in my life. I am so humbled to know such beautiful people. I am honored and forever grateful to call you my friend, pupil, teacher, pastor, leader, family. I cannot thank you enough.
With all my love,
Katylyn
Preface
This book is unique and special to my heart. It was originally written in the winter of 2010, right after I returned home from my first semester of college. I had taken the spring semester off to recompose my thoughts. During that time, I began to write this, the documentation of my own journey.
I continued writing for the next three years, revisiting different sections of what was already written, changing things that I had no longer thought or believed. I continued to add onto the book through different points in my life. I added a majority of the final touches three years ago, as I battled through major anxiety. I can say that I haven’t had a panic attack or anxiety since that summer. God is so good and His mercy endures forever. I wrote sections of the book while I was questioning God, away from the church, while I was in college, or not in college. Basically, this book has been written from me through many different perspectives.
That being said, I am much further along in my walk with the Lord than I was when I first began this book. Growing in my relationship with the Lord, I’ve discovered many things I found to be true that I did not know years ago. But, that’s the beauty of the journey—growth and maturity, living and changing.
However, I didn’t want to change much of what I wrote. I actually feel as though I’m not allowed. It’s beautiful how each walk with the Lord is different, and we all start out somewhere! This is my somewhere, and I hope you, too, can document your somewhere. Years later, when you look at where you were to where you are, take time to celebrate the joy of pressing forward, even when it’s uncomfortable, or hurts, or you think it might kill you.
I pray that this book finds you wherever you are in your journey and encourages you to press forward no matter what the cost. The Father will hide you under the shadow of His wing and protect you with His unfailing love. He desires relationship with you and I pray that my story unlocks hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Introduction: The Journey
Sometimes I wonder if people really have any idea what they’re doing. Yes, there seems to always be that one person in your life that portrays to the world that they have it all together; the person whose life couldn’t get any better. The girl who was homecoming queen in high school and went on to Harvard Law, graduated, married and ended the journey with three kids, ten grandchildren and enough in the bank to send all those grand children to Harvard to follow in her steps. Or the guy whose good looks, athletic spunk and charming personality were enough to get him an easy break. These are the people who know where they’re going and what they want to do with the rest of their lives.
If you have these people in your life, you may find yourself wondering, Why can’t that be me?
However, the question at hand should really be, Why do I want that to be me?
Sure, they get an easy break and are able to live a stale, unadventurous life. They get to tell stories of how they met their perfect mate, or how they graduated top of the class, or were the star quarterback. They get to feel content with their decisions and their life choices. But think about it, who really wants to be content? Who can honestly say that contentment is better than excitement? In order for a person to truly appreciate what they are fortunate to have, they must first experience what it’s like to not have. They must experience what it means to not have happiness, or love, or the feeling of successes and accomplishments. To experience the feelings of being lonely, scared, lost, confused and depressed. There’s usually something wrong with these stories; the main characters seem to be miserable, regardless of the masks they wear. They’ve never been given a chance to truly appreciate what’s been given to them.
Ever notice how after you make a mistake, regret immediately takes over and you promise yourself you’ll never make the same mistake again? That’s called being human. An automatic response to something you know you shouldn’t have done but it was just too tempting to resist. However, after promising to never make the same mistake again, you do. There’s just something about human nature that makes us repeat foolish choices over and over again until our minds and hearts can’t take it anymore. The saying goes, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
However, what happens after the second time? Does shame no longer exist? Did the situation just become so pathetic that shame can’t even describe it anymore? Mostly every person has been fooled more than twice no matter what the situation.
A perfect example of this cycle lies within the innocence of a puppy. When you first buy a puppy, you know you’re getting yourself into a huge amount of responsibility, but you’re willing to take the risks required because his eyes are just so darn cute and how could you resist that look he makes at you? The first time the puppy ever pees on the carpet, a normal person responds in anger, but also with a sense of patience. We tend to think, Oh, it’s a puppy; it doesn’t know any better.
Then it happens a second time, and a third time, and before you know it, it becomes a habit. It’s not like you didn’t punish the puppy for peeing, he just hasn’t learned yet. An element most people forget: learning takes time! It’s not a facial that can process overnight. It’s not something you can put in a box and bring it out when you need it. No, learning is an intensive process that is applied daily in our lives.
In time, a girl will get her heart broken enough to finally leave the loser behind. Soon enough, the disgruntled worker will get so fed up with being walked all over that he’ll finally confront his boss for a promotion. But these things take time. Puppies make a habit of peeing on the carpet; people make a habit of letting pride and a natural sense of naïvety keep them from change. That’s really all change is, laying down your pride and breaking the habits no one wants to admit to having. I cannot stress it enough, but change takes time. Change is a process, just like puppy potty training.
In the meantime, while you’re stumbling through the process of change, one thing after another seems to line up at the door out of which you must step. It would be too easy to just have to worry about changing your whole life to be more positive and productive. Instead of the easy road, God likes to throw curve-balls our way to see how truly dedicated we are to the change we’re trying to make. Think about it, the majority of girls go for the bad boys
because there’s an element of risk in their nature. You know they’re not worth the chase, but the chase is what it’s all about anyways. That’s exactly what God does to us. He puts roadblocks in our paths because it makes the journey that much more exciting. It gives us the opportunity to flourish and grow. Then, when you finally reach the end of the path, you have an incredible story to share with the world.
When I think about God, I think about a being that’s lived every one of our lives. This means He knows the importance of romance, surprise, risk and challenge. I feel like He’s up in the Heavens, sitting in His recliner, feet up, coffee in one