Gang of Insomniacs

Chapter Titles:

A Mother Is Born by Shabali

As you are growing, so am I by Neha Verma Madan

Journey Down Motherhood Lane by Melissa

Mom’s make Memories by Shradha

The Fairy and Elf Kingdom by Smriti

Are you a Mum-chum or a Buddy-mummy? by Shampa

A Good Enough Mother by Ruchika

Mother’s diary by Neha Sathe

A mother once, a mother forever by Sonali

Jeki by Shikha

Contributors Profile

A Mother Is Born by Shabali

Some years back, I read in a newspaper article the renowned poet-lyricist-director Gulzar speaking about his experience as a parent. He said something to the effect that when Meghna, his daughter was born, he felt reborn; reborn as a parent. So, he felt that along with his child he too was seeing and experiencing the world for the first time. In other words, a parent was born!

The reason why I remember his words even though many years have passed since I became a first-time mother, is that I feel, no matter how much time may pass, no matter how old your child gets, he or she will always have something new for you, something that will surprise you, thrill you, shock you, agitate you, excite you and ultimately leave you gasping that they managed to get the better of you! That is, your child will always manage some way or another to turn your neat and ordered little world around with his or her sheer unpredictability! For, if there is one thing that every parent, especially mothers can wholeheartedly attest to, it is that children are the most unpredictable of all the lovely creations of our world and we, believe it or not, rejoice in that very unpredictability; it is the very life-blood of us parents and it is that which makes us come alive as a father or a mother.

My motherhood journey began on a rather unexpected note. It was a day like many others, mundane and part of the routine of a married woman with a job and a husband to juggle and a house to take care of. I’d been late by a week and I was never that late. My biological clock rang timely every month, and except for very painful cramps and a total feeling of disgust, I usually managed to get over the time of menstrual activity with a fair bit of courage and barely concealed impatience. So, it was with confusion and anxiety that I sat mulling over the cause of my body playing truant. I had not undertaken any arduous travel or done any unusually hard labor - these sometimes tended to act as unwanted interferences - and I was certain that I had been careful too. Or had I? I did remember that the pill needed to be taken timely. But did I mismanage the ‘timely’ bit? I was unsure. Doubt soon gave way to nervousness and alarm was the ultimate result. If there was one thing that I did not want at that time it was motherhood. I had just started working again after a gap of a few months brought on as an excuse for settling down after marriage and shifting cities, and it occurred to me that I was not yet ready for another colossal change. Marriage had been enough of an earthquake reducing my happily boring life as a single working woman to a happily married woman sans the official tag of ‘employment’ and thereby, leaving a bit of a vacuum within my, until then, busy world. I had taken to doing all housework and was soon feeling overwhelmed with the daily cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and other paraphernalia that follows the routine of ‘keeping house’. The months simply kept rolling by and soon I felt rather boxed in by my frustration at having brought things to such a head! So, it was with relief and excitement that I jumped at the first profitable job offer that came my way. And only a couple of months into my new job, I wasn’t prepared to be the agent of another change that was guaranteed to put my world into a spin again!

Therefore, it was with mounting trepidation that I bought a home pregnancy kit and got up the nerve to do the test. It turned out that my world was indeed poised on the precipice of a spiral! The positive result was music to my husband’s ears but it put me on an edge. Even as my husband stood there beaming, totally surprised by the news with eyes shining brightly and excitement and joy overflowing from his face, I stood apart, a wry smile on my lips that did not reach my eyes, and with a mind full of questions and exclamations. How come now of all times in the future? Why me? It was so unfair!!!

The next step was of course getting the pregnancy officially confirmed and soon I found myself inside the neat and very white, almost anaesthetized office of a gynecologist. She did a blood test and settled the issue for the next ten months - yes, I was on my way to becoming a mother. And lo and behold my motherhood journey had begun! To me it seemed as if Motherhood had developed a life of its own and I was but a vessel in its hands - a mound of clay to be played with and shaped as per the need and requirement of the hour. Lord, I was so jittery!

While coming back home riding in an autorickshaw with my husband, I informed my parents. Wait - why was I in such a hurry that I could not wait to get home before I shared the news? Well, it seems strange somehow to think about that time in retrospect, but I remember feeling a sudden change come over me as I listened to the gynecologist confirm my pregnancy and talk to me about what it boded for me and my family in the coming months - the precautions I needed to take, the diet I had to follow and the medicines I would be taking, not to forget the periodical checkups - pointers about all these things were given to us and we took it all in enthusiastically. We were like a couple of kids excited about getting on our first rollercoaster ride! And of course, I could not wait to share my big news. Hence, the phone call mid-autorickshaw-ride where, with all the shaking and loud clamor of the auto engine, it seemed impossible that anyone could hear what the other said. Finally, all near and dear ones had been duly informed and we set about trying to prepare for the journey ahead.

A new phase had begun in my life. But I still found it difficult to believe that deep inside me a tiny life had germinated. I remember looking at my tummy in the mirror and wondering when I would begin to show. And there was an added terror that started eating its way into my mind. The first few months were supposed to be critical and every possible care had to be taken to minimize both physical and mental strain. I began to worry that any sudden movement might prove bad for the little life growing inside. I am a brisk walker and rather prone to abrupt reactions - more like a case of think after you leap. So, it was quite difficult to train my body to slow down its reaction time and become gradual in movement.

But things have a way of happening, and I say this as an alternative to the concept of Destiny since I believe in Free Will rather than Fate. So, I allow for occurrences that come about despite us thinking that they might not happen to us. There is nothing to be done - what has to happen will happen - Murphy’s Law sugar-coated! Barely into my seventh week of pregnancy, I had an episode of spotting one night - a night that my husband left for China on a business trip. The next morning I went as usual to my workplace and a little while later not as usual I was anxiously sitting facing a gynecologist. Nervous and scared with no one to turn to at such short notice in a new city, I had requested a colleague to come with me to the nearest hospital. After listening to me, the doctor did a preliminary checkup and then asked me to get an ultrasound done. The result of the scan was not something I expected. The drops of blood I’d seen were indicative of a serious threat to the developing fetus. I was asked to get admitted immediately. For a while, my mind could not process what was happening around me. I remember my eyes filling up with tears as I asked the doctor if it was anything I had done. The answer was that things sometimes happen for no reason. Even as my colleague looked on incredulously, I was put in a room and asked to lie down. I requested my colleague to help with some formalities which she in her kindness and presence of mind obliged, going back to office to retrieve my belongings as well as informing my superior about the developments. Meanwhile, I made couple of phone calls to inform a family friend and a relative who came promptly on hearing the news bringing my mother-in-law from home. By evening, my colleagues and boss had come to visit, my husband had been informed and was on his way back, and best of all, my mother had flown in from Delhi. I breathed easy thinking that things would soon get better.

Sometime during the night, I opened my eyes laden with sleep and thought I saw the face of my husband. Rubbing my eyes, I tried to look closer and saw that indeed my husband sat nearby. His face was ashen and taut and he looked as if he’d not slept for two days. The sight of him sitting beside me on the hospital bed with a face filled with anxiety and fear is something I will not forget anytime soon. As I tried to get up he told me to lie back and brushed his fingers over my head. I lay back and looked at him, relief mixed with sadness flooding my face. Apart from the banalities we did not say much, skirting the subject that was uppermost in our minds. Worry clothed it in thankful silence. He might have felt it was needless to put me through more stress after all that had transpired since morning, and as for me I was simply exhausted and overwhelmed with the enormity of the uncertainty that lay ahead. So, we fell silent after a few minutes and as the clock ticked by I felt my eyelids grow heavy again.

I stayed in the hospital for six days. They were one of the most trying six days of my life. Each day I felt better physically but had fear gnawing away inside me. I had no clue when the doctor would say that it was time to be discharged. However, the day to leave the hospital did come and I was eager to get home. The stay there proved short too. On advice from the doctor it was decided that I needed to take complete rest for the next three months and the place chosen was my parents’ home. I was thankful as there really is no place like home when one is ill - a place where one feels most comfortable and relaxed. So, despite the slight risk involved in the travel, I set out on the Rajdhani Express en-route to my erstwhile home. Once I got there, surrounded by familiar things and sights, and free of the daily hustle of married life, I began to feel and get better. My nausea decreased or rather it decreased to manageable levels and the doctor who I began consulting there told me to take things easy and lifted the weight of bed rest from my psyche. My routine began to revolve around regular meals, medicines and checkups annoyingly interrupted by frequent bouts of nausea and vomiting. I resigned myself to the fact that I was among those unlucky women who continue to have nausea even after the first trimester. I saw my tummy swell slightly as I