Visions of a People's Dharma

I would like to thank all those people and events that I have been fortunate enough to experience. It’s taken a long time but I am starting to see the value of living in the weave of things.

Life has never been about finding and acquiring anything. Life has been about opening to everything that is already in front of me. I am slowly growing into, accepting, and living an inclusive life.

Bryan S. Wagner

CHAPTERS

Introduction

1. Belief Systems

2. Does it work?

3. How do I know that?

4. Gautama the Guy

5. The Four Kinds of Somewhat Truthful Stuff

6. The Eightfold Path and then some

7. Free Falling or Thank You Tom Petty

8. Being of Zen and Tao

9. Meditation, Awareness, Mindfulness

10. Dharma and Dharmas

11. Seeing Clearly

12. Learning

13. The Transient Casino Museum

14. Response and Reaction

15. Living in Resistance

16. Grasping and Desire

17. Are You There?

18. Struggling and Stuff

19. The Minds expectations of the Mind

20. The Having and Being States

21. The Weave

22. The Stories I Believe

23. Apposite Listening

24. Markers and Signposts

25. Bittersweet

26. My Life has been Loosely

Based on a True story

INTRODUCTION

Yes, I know according to a lot of Buddhist teachings there isn’t a me or perhaps I should say there is not an I. Sigh. I suppose that’s an indicator of where this all started for me. I had fallen into that age-old trap of becoming something. Or, should I say not being something?

I had dedicated myself in an intense way to becoming something called a Buddhist. Had meaning past tense of course. The model I like best is that if you want to be a Buddhist, then you are one. Simple you know? If you want to follow the Dharma or a wisdom teaching then go ahead. Don’t wait to be told it’s OK or that some how you’re ready. Honestly, I’m not so sure that calling yourself anything is going to make much of a difference in how you live your life. The label will remain a label and you will do what you believe in anyway. Buddhists weren’t Buddhist during the time of Gautama’s teaching. It was a label that was created much later, sometime in the 1900s. It probably sounded better than Dharmists or Gautamaists. During Gautama’s time, they were sometimes referred to as Stream Entrants. I have no idea what the followers of Gautama called themselves in the beginning. Although I think it’s better to develop a sincere belief in the Dharma and proceed to act in accordance than use any static terms to define yourself.

Studying the Dharma was a journey I started on as a kid having read Alan Watts books. I admire his writing style. I decided that the Zen part of Zen Buddhism was the key to answering my questions about my perceived self and universe. Well, actually everyone’s universe. I usually use the word Dharma when talking about the wisdom that has come to us from the past starting at some distant point. That starting point is unlikely to ever be pinpointed as to time or place. Wisdom has always been accumulative. I like this view and it seems more inclusive and less exclusive concerning any teachings. I subscribe to all wisdom teachings. I believe I’m using the word Dharma in the Hindu sense of the word.

One of my Aunt’s had a husband who was relatively wealthy and made a good living in real estate. I liked going to my Aunt’s house because I could isolate in their small but relatively broad of scope collection of books. For the most part I grew up feeling isolated from others including my family. I took solace in reading at a very early age. I loved looking through the small library and was always seeking books that made a connection in my emotional structure. I read Bambi: A Life in the Woods several times. I was intrigued by the relationships the deer experienced. There were a few books on religion. I read some books on Christianity but it just didn’t do it for me. I read a lot of books from that tiny library. It was there that I started to realize I had this need inside of me to investigate my own mystery.

As time progressed I broadened my interests and started to study everything spiritual or religious based. I covered every topic I could find at the Royal Oak library and combed the bookmobile that came by my grade school weekly. I read in multiple disciplines and asked a lot of annoying questions of anyone who appeared to want to talk about the subjects. I remember being a passionate and driven seeker of knowledge. With the energy of a weasel on meth amphetamine I read everything I could acquire. My mother would drop me off at the library in the morning and I pretty much had all day some days. Where she went and spent her time I have no idea. We never discussed her agenda. It was like an alternative baby-sitting service. The librarians became used to me and I pretty much had the run of the place. The only thing forbidden was asking the librarians questions outside the sphere of library and books. My mother encouraged this seeking out phase thinking that perhaps it would cease on its own but it never did.

Just between you and me when I was older I stole one of Allen Watts books from the library. I was hooked on it. Something about how he explained things seemed very clear and human. It was Allen who influenced me with his careful delivery and well thought out phrasing. There was also his ability to make a sincere and human connection and to this day I continue to enjoy his books and his way of delivering information.

My mother, her parents, my sister, and I went to a Baptist church in Royal Oak, Michigan. I was in Sunday school for a while but wasn’t doing very well due to my inquisitive nature. It appears I was using it to ask all the wrong questions. I wasn’t of the mindset to take anything as truthful unless I had a good reason. Having faith seemed like an odd idea. It was difficult to take it on faith that there was a God out there based on the information I was getting from those in authority. I decided that any God was inside already. After getting thrown out of Sunday school I started to attend the big person meeting upstairs. I pretty much hated it because it seemed like such an artificial fake atmosphere and the only part I liked was when they passed the basket for donations. I was given a quarter to put in the basket and always, always, wondered how much money was in all the sealed envelopes. I finally figured out I could ask for an envelope, put the empty envelope in the basket, and keep the quarter. Suddenly Church didn’t seem so bad.

I do remember that a lot of the women wore dead animals around their necks including my Grandmother. I imagine it was quite the status symbol at that time. I always sat next to her feeling sorry for the animals that gave their lives for the expensive status symbols.

My father stayed home. He had made, at least my mother started this rumor, a promise to never attend church again during his experiences in the Second World War. Some fundamental break between him and his God. The only time my father and I talked of his experiences during the war was on a single afternoon when I went to visit him in North Carolina. This was after he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Although I’m sure he was bonding due to the amount of opiate based medication he was on it was still a small window into his life. He spoke of his experiences during the war. Gruesome is a good word to define them. Other than that one time we had no close relationship outside of playing catch and him teaching me how to pitch. He accomplished this by throwing and me catching then me throwing. No instructions were given verbally. My father wasn’t a talker. I never did learn about his belief systems or if he had any outside of avoiding Church and expecting perfection. I realized when I became older that I had never bonded with my father and he has remained somewhat of a stranger all my life.

I think everyone finally gave up on me attending Church after I passed out during the service one hot and sunny Sunday morning. I don’t think the air conditioning was running and I remember feeling faint and then waking up in the parking lot. This happened shortly after my father became enraged at the Reverend Lamb (Honestly, his real name!) for coming to our home one evening and discussing that the Church needed money. Not a good idea on the Reverends part. I keep thinking the two incidents are related.

The other thing that happened was I refused to be baptized. Big time refused. My sister had been baptized and watching her behavior convinced me to avoid that. She was not an exceptionally kind or caring person so being Baptized was definitely out since my hopes that it would somehow change her were fruitless. My grandparents on Moms side were horrified that I went against being baptized. It was as bad as refusing to go hunting with my Grandfather. Well, maybe not that bad. Achieving freedom from of these forms of suffering on Sundays I made my way through what I could find of Zen and its apparently attached Buddhism.

I continued this search until I decided that I was going to use Keith Moon from the Who as a life guide and mentor. This happened after I saw the Who play My Generation on television. I had been playing drums for a while thanks to my mother who convinced my father that it would be good for me to learn music. Plus, I probably whined a lot about my desires to play. I started listening and playing drums to Who records. I read and listened to all the outrageous stories about Keith. He was my hero. I decided to be a professional musician. I was amazingly mediocre as a drummer. Outside of playing, I excelled at the rest of being a small-time rock star. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I became heavily involved in all kinds of things concerning the drug culture and it’s ways. I did my best to fake insanity until it became real. I did continue to meditate, read, and explore religions and spiritual paths when I wasn’t outrageously f##ked up. Which for a few decades was 24/7. How much of any of that spiritual information I retained is a guess. My current thinking is not much but during any periods of abstinence I meditated and even during the messed-up periods attempted to meditate. I use the word meditate loosely.

So, after a few decades and lots of destruction for myself and everyone around me I crashed and burned enough to finally start to pull some things together. I of course suffered a lot of emotional problems and during my messed-up period I shared those with other people on some very personal levels. More destruction. This continued for a while post messed up. I owe everyone I was in a relationship with my apologies. Although I’m sure that will not suffice.

I left the music business and found some stabilization as a substance abuse therapist. After some trials and challenges I also found another person with whom I was sure I could spend my life with and so far, that seems like a positive place to be.

I took time to study Korean Zen and what can loosely be called American Zen. I started to like what Cheri Huber has formulated and much of it works for me. I could care less about the so-called controversy about her status as a Zen teacher concerning Transmission. I love what she does and how she does it. What I do know is that she’s a great teacher. She is teaching all kinds of shit that that I can apply in my daily experiences. Gautama would be proud of her. He never had anyone tell him it was Ok to teach either so I’m thinking he would understand how that feels.

I also spent a lot of time and contact with Tibetan Buddhism although honestly I had the most difficult time believing a lot of the concepts. I’m glad it resonates with so many others. I have met a lot of very dedicated and sincere Tibetan Buddhists. For me it has that Catholic church complexity that made it convoluted and vague with a whole bunch of things to believe in. I don’t think I’m comfortable with that kind of complexity. It feels like I’m more attracted to simplicity at this time in my life.

Geri Larkin was a big influence and I consider her a mentor although I’m not sure she knows that. Don’t tell her OK? I’ll surprise her myself. I spent some time at the Still Point Zen Temple she started in Detroit, Michigan. Geri must be one of most genuine people I have ever met. I learned a little about Korean type Zen and a lot about giving. Geri is a very sincere and giving person. And has the absolutely best sense of humor and the ability to see what’s absurd about reality. ( And, an evolving painter!!)

I also studied Taoism and to this day am steeped in its philosophy towards life and being. I suppose that if I could say I had roots they are in Zen and Tao. I am drawn to these paths because they don’t offer answers as much as questions. I like questions. I am comfortable without the answers. It took some time to get to the point where I value questions.

Zen and Tao both seem to respect and encourage the individual’s ability to make choices on their own within the context and content of their experiences. Period. And, I think my purpose in writing this book is to lay out how I see Gautama’s and the Taos’s teachings with a focus on using them in daily living situations. I am not interested in explanations of Taoism and Zen. I am interested in how Zen and Tao are used and applied in living.

I will leave information for further exploration at the end of the book. I encourage using the resource pages. I will also leave a few web addresses for further exploration. Using the names as search engines will provide  you with lots of web stuff. Information is only going to take you so far. Doing will need to be done.

My vision is to develop A People’s Dharma that applies to everyday functioning. One that I can use when in a hurry and stuck in traffic while waiting for the boss to call and complain about something I did wrong and I’m worried about that broken tooth and my need to get a second job while going to visit and have dinner with my uncle who I could never tolerate. All while driving on a beautiful fall day. The kind of Dharma that helps me with that. I have a vision of A People’s Dharma that is free of all the decoration and additions that have accumulated over the years. A usable Dharma.

In this book, I am going to tackle and explain an interpretation of Gautama’s teachings, along with some teachings of several other individuals whom I respect. I intend to cut down on the cosmology, ontological views, voodoo, the why questions, deep philosophies, and will attempt to stick with the basics and what works. I may stray from this as I am prone to doing so find it in your hearts to forbear with patience.

I blame only myself for the positions and perspectives in this book. A lot of people influenced my journey and I give them credit for staying the course. I owe them. I like where I’ve come to in this journey on this path. I am hoping the reader can find some things that will work for them in the following pages. I am writing with an honest open heart. I believe that intelligent and caring people get to disagree but it never gets between their hearts. I write as a conduit and not a source.

As the idea attributed to Gautama says don’t take anything as accurate, meaningful, or actionable for you until you test it out for yourself. I am a great fan of this kind of thinking and hope to apply this philosophy for the rest of my life. I encourage others to do the same.

Belief Systems

We all have them, don’t we? When we sit down and start to look at the complex world of belief we begin to detect some anomalies that I find interesting and for the most part insanely destructive for human life. Most of our belief systems were given to us via social conditioning at an age when we unable to make a lot of personal decisions. We never had much of an opportunity to test these beliefs out and examine them to see if they were truthful and useful. We simply engaged and accepted what was given to us to believe in. A belief system should be what we decide we will accept and use as true. This doesn’t mean the belief is true or based on or in reality. Often what we believe in is simply an opinion. An opinion that you or I can decide to believe in while understanding it’s an opinion.

We as humans need to have beliefs. They ground us. It’s fascinating to listen to groups debate things like UFOs, Ghosts, Yeti’s, and who might be the best next president. The debates seem to be divided between those who believe and those who don’t. That’s the sticking point with belief systems. We own the ones we have decided are true. We need to remain aware there are so many varied belief systems about the same subjects that it’s easy to start to engage emotionally, irrationally, and with the view in mind of protecting what we consider our beliefs.

Humans want their personal beliefs to be accepted as both true and right. Even while viewing someone else’s as false and wrong. The odd thing is people believe in stuff that they can’t prove so they build a belief system on faith that supports ego structure. I don’t want it to seem like this is automatically wrong or problematic when our beliefs support the ego. In part that’s what belief systems are for. But, they can be devastating if the sole purpose is to support conditioned ego. People ignore or forget that it’s a belief system and start to treat it as the Truth with a capital T. A belief system provides some grounding and may give us purpose and direction. However, it’s a belief system. The saddest thing is that often a belief is what we are conditioned to choose to believe in. Under that process belief isn’t even a choice it’s simply baggage that has been loaded into our operating field. I always try to remain aware that having a belief doesn’t make it true or real no matter who has it.

Peoples beliefs are specific, selective, dichotomous, and vague. They may not believe in Ghosts but believe in fortune telling. Or they don’t believe in fortune telling but they believe that because someone acts nice to them the person must like them and have their best interest at heart. Or they believe television commercials are being presented to help the consumer make informed decisions. Or they believe news stories are an accurate and honest look at the news. Or (because I’m writing this during election time) they argue over what a candidate says he/she/it can do believing that the promises being made are real. (The candidates this year have been getting insane mileage out of that delusion!) Then there is the matter of spending all kinds of time and effort trying to prove that the belief system is right. Or wrong if you’re on the other side.

In my ongoing study of spiritual belief fields, I noticed going through a long series of personal beliefs that were always changing as I gained more experience and knowledge. I like to view my beliefs as flexible with the ability and willingness to change as information is added and I evolve. I focus on working the belief to see if it sustains a working model of living in response with reduced suffering. The reason for keeping a constant evaluation is that everything changes. For a belief system to remain in stasis while existing in transience will sooner or later negate the belief and cause friction and suffering. A belief needs to evolve and grow.

I started studying Zen at a young age. Initially I believed that Zen was going to be self-improvement project. One that would make me somehow special and, being transparently honest, better than others. (Ouch!) I was convinced that somehow and someway the study of Zen was going to MAKE ME BETTER. As time wore on and an understanding of my human nature increased that belief system grew thin. As I evolved a more realistic one took its place. I evolved and I realized that it was not about me or what I thought at all. Zen became part of a chosen perspective of life that was geared towards the appropriate responses to every experience. My understanding will evolve further as time goes on. As I look back, I see that I had been convinced that my first Zen studies had developed a True belief system. When I realized my mistake, I struggled with letting go of the things I wanted Zen to be in my life. I slowly started to accept the difference between Having Zen and Being Zen. I started to develop an understanding of when to let go and move on as my evolution took place. It became a focus and understanding for me to see my spiritual belief system in a perspective that places it in sync with my changing evolution.

A belief system is, what we choose to believe in, are taught to believe in, conditioned to believe in, or believe we believe in. None of which validates the belief as real or true. If you look it up in a dictionary you will see that a belief is something we base on information and that we think and decide is truthful and real. This is where we start to run into problems.

We were conditioned with a beginning set of beliefs that we are using to decide what new information is valid. We can become confused and start thinking that because we think something then it must be considered valid. When we decide that a belief is both real, which it could be at the time the belief systems exists, and true then we are stuck in true and real aren’t we? It would mean that if the belief system is true the only thing we could do in the face of a challenge is defend it and adapt a denial against any other belief system. None of this seems to fit well with the concept that transience is the water we swim in and change is a constant. A belief that things are true and real makes them frozen in time. This enable friction and suffering as transience continues.

Now true is one of those words that humans love to argue about. Is that true? they ask and relate the answer to the concept of real or a representation of reality. The problem with using words to define what is true is that true is an ideal. What I want to use is a concept that’s closer to something intending being truthful. So, we are truthful with our friends and lovers, truthful with our commitments, and truthful in our beliefs. This means we need to be constantly checking our premises, thoughts, and the validity of our beliefs.

I don’t think the act of defining something makes it true or real. All it means is we have a working definition. We can take a belief system and debate day and night whether it’s true or not. I think it’s more important for my belief system to be apposite to my experience and current life situation. My personal take is that for the most part being truthful is a good quality and means much in my limited world. The idea of a concept being true doesn’t seem very real. Facts and ideas are interesting and facilitate communication but are rarely in the area of true. You may be holding a brick and when I ask you what it is you will probably say a brick. But that’s not all that it is. It has lots of different components and uses. Perhaps it’s a paperweight or ballast, a medium of exchange, a weapon, a peace offering, or a counterweight. I think it’s good to see all those things including the brick part. People say it’s just semantics but purpose in functioning is not just words.

If you study Koans, Zen, Zen stories, Sufism, and the Tao you may come to an understanding that labels are convenient but they don’t represent the thing itself. Language is so necessary but it can be misleading if we design our entire world thinking that language is some sort of accurate representation of the universe. In Zen, it is said that we don’t want to mistake the finger pointing at the moon as the moon. I believe that this is a direct reference to relying on language as the primary source of information about our existence and relationship with the universe. I have no interest in an absolute truth and leave that argument for those who are seeking Truth or amused by the search. I’m stuck in the seeing if things are truthful and in concordance with reality mode. What a brick is may be more relative to how I use it than how I think about it. A paper weight, weapon, decoration, bookshelf stand, or a building material all depends on my need and its usefulness during the period I have a relationship with the brick. And, I don’t forget that it’s also a brick.

On the other end of the continuum are lies. Lies are, well, Lieful as in the same way that truth can be truthful. How lieful a lie is will depend on the degree and intensity of the lie. Lies are degrees of presenting reality with a twist and/or misrepresenting it entirely. Lies can do an incredible amount of damage but do sometimes serve a purpose. A lie may be apposite to the circumstances if we are acting in the moment with awareness and compassion. That’s it, isn’t it? Acting in each situation with integrity, compassion, and awareness. We probably won’t know the outcome of a lie until later and even then only in a retrospective sense that may include value judgements that are tainted with the right or wrong mentality. The world model is truth = right and lies = wrong. Humans tend to mob up on either side depending on their beliefs and their personal beliefs are always right.  

As you can see I don’t experience or believe much in the way of absolute or permanent things or systems. I am not in a large company concerning this issue. What I see is that humans, through no fault of their own at this juncture, have so many conditioned beliefs that it becomes disconcerting and somewhat scary. One of the ongoing stories in belief systems says that there is something called the Truth and each belief has it. To explain truth some systems have developed more than one truth. They use two truth systems so they can explain why it’s not possible to explain or have a single truth to begin with. What sucks is that this position also makes the people who claim to know both truths very special and somehow different from the rest of humanity. And, gives you something to work for in case you’re not one of the lucky special people who know both truths. Convoluted, isn’t it?

Sadder still is the fact that those who claim to understand ultimate truth like to pretend it’s so ultimate that either they can’t explain it or they won’t because we wouldn’t understand. Uh huh. You see most people who portrait that they understand both truths will never actually say they do. They just enjoy intimating that they have this understanding. It’s called enlightenment by association. Something that a lot of teachers seem to be guilty of projecting. (Much like those who project that they are enlightened by meditation practice. Meditation practice gives perspective. Period.)

Of course, there is no way to prove a negative so you cannot prove they don’t know both truths any more than they can prove they do. If there is an ultimate truth out there in mystery land do you suppose there is an ultimate lie? I mean the absolute lie? If there is the absolute truth, then there must be the absolute lie.

Myself, I’m still working on the nature of reality and mind. Truth is a human extract from reality and truth is an opinion. Reality just is. It doesn’t need the truth. Period. If you take humans and language out of the equation what you have left is real and I suppose if humans stay out of it, truthful in the moment.

My intention is to stick with truthful. Simple and not nearly as confusing. I’m big on not being confused. A lot of times when I feel confused it’s because my belief system is being challenged. Like most of us I’m not confused as much as resistant to what is. Hardly anyone ever says Hey, I’m resisting reality! It’s much easier to be confused. They may be in denial or ignoring reality but reality is what happens to be right here right now. Most of us, when we are resisting a concept, experience thinking that comes out in relative confusion. Most of the time it’s not that we don’t understand. It’s that we don’t want to understand and are protecting our beliefs.

People will believe in a power structure because they have been told to believe in the power structure and conditioned to believe in it. When in fact they have little to no idea if what they are being told is good or bad for them. They don’t know if it’s truthful or based in reality when taken in consideration with context and content. I think that social conditioning and cultural/religious/educational platforms should start looking at what responsibility they have concerning blind faith instruction. My belief is that being curious, inquisitive, doubting, and skeptical, means that we are more