Shame Borne in Silence: Spouse Abuse in the Jewish Community

   296.3’8–dc23                    20140366

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface to Second Edition

Introduction

Chapter

1. Resignation

2. Judaism and Domestic Abuse: Is There Immunity?

3. Warning Signs for Controlling Relationships

4. Early Case Identification

5. The Cyclic Pattern of Abuse

6. Denial in the Jewish Community

7. Why Did She Stay with Him?

8. What the Torah Says About Abuse (I)

9. What the Torah Says About Wife Abuse (II)

10. What the Torah Says About Spouse Abuse (III)

11. What the Torah Says About Wife Abuse (IV)

12. What the Torah Says About Spouse Abuse (V)

13. What the Torah Says About Abuse (VI): Sexual Violence

14. To Yeshiva Educators

15. Preparation for Marriage, or How To Deal With Abuse

16. When Alcohol Is Involved

17. Beverly’s Story

18. Emotional Abuse: Marcia’s Story

19. Malka’s Story

20. Ruth’s Story

21. Repetitive Themes

22. A Place of Refuge and Beyond

23. The Aguna Issue

24. Child Abuse and Molestation

25. Counseling and Therapy

26. Problems Can Occur in Either Direction

27. A Good Beginning

Bibliography

Acknowledgments

I wish to express my sincere appreciation to a number of people whose assistance in preparation of this book was invaluable, by providing either data or constructive editorial comments. They are (alphabetically): Rabbi Moshe Kletenik, Ms. Phyllis Kuhr, MA, Ms. Shirley Lebovics, MSW, Ms. Rachel Pill, MSW, and my daughter, Sarah Twerski, RN.

I also received much assistance and encouragement from personnel and volunteers at various services for domestic violence problems and Jewish Family and Children’s Services. I beg forgiveness if I have omitted people who deserve special mention. My thanks to all of them.

Preface to Second Edition

Yes, times do change.

When I published The Shame Borne in Silence in 1996, I aroused the ire of a segment of the observant Jewish community. How dare I intimate that Torah-observant men can be abusive to their wives! For my first few public lectures after publication of the book, I had to have police protection. A number of Jewish bookstores refused to carry the book (Our rabbi said we may not carry it), and those that did, did not have it on display.

There has been progress. My daughter-in-law’s book, I’m So Confused, Am I Being Abused? is on display in all Jewish bookstores. The problem is discussed more openly.

While there has been progress, there is still a long way to go. Myths die hard. The belief that all Jewish men make ideal husbands, as unrealistic as it is, has not been dethroned. Some rabbis are unaware of the dynamics of spouse abuse and use the make him another kugel approach.

We are grossly lacking in adequate preparation of young men for marriage. The Steipler Gaon said, "What do you expect of him? For the past ten years his only relationship has been with his shtender." Shtenders make no demands on a person. One does not have to be considerate of a shtender. This young man is abruptly thrown into the relationship with a person who has needs and wants of her own, some of which may impinge on his comfort and convenience, and does not have the foggiest notion how to deal with this. Young women, too, are lacking in preparation for this new relationship.

Chosson and kallah classes need to be upgraded to teach the basics of marriage relationships. Among some Chassidim, every new couple is assigned a monitor to meet with them regularly during the first year.

The incidence of failed marriages, especially those that disintegrate in the first year, is unprecedented. We need better education on marriage at all levels of the community: the laity, the rabbinate, and the helping services.

Introduction

This book has been quite difficult for me to write, perhaps because I had to overcome my resistance to acknowledging that the problem of spouse abuse does indeed exist among Jews. We are no doubt influenced by early life experiences, and I can remember nothing in my home other than a husband-wife relationship of mutual caring and utmost respect. The thought that a husband can raise a hand against his wife was totally alien to me.

I was also subject to the widespread cultural belief that wife abuse simply does not exist among Jews, and that in the non-Jewish population, daughters are told to try to get a Jewish husband because Jewish husbands do not drink, gamble, or beat their wives. I remember in my childhood study of Torah that Hagar was an Egyptian princess who could have married into royalty, but sought instead to become a member of the patriarch Abraham’s household because of the serenity and blessing that prevailed therein.

As my psychiatric practice progressed, and I began to specialize in the treatment of alcoholism and drug addiction, I was surprised to find that the incidence of such problems among Jews was not negligible and that cases occurred even among traditionally observant families. I also noticed that because of the stigma associated with these problems, Jewish families were most reluctant to seek help because it meant exposing the problem and possibly being stigmatized. But when I saw the tragedy and ruin that resulted from untreated cases of alcoholism and the harm that was being inflicted on young lives because of failure to treat the problem among parents, I could not keep my silence. I wrote articles in the Anglo-Jewish Press and traveled from city to city, addressing Jewish lay audiences, rabbinical associations, and counselors of Jewish social agencies. I also became active in the JACS Organization (Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent, and Significant Others). I am pleased that these efforts have borne fruit and that the problems of chemical dependency and gambling are being more widely reorganized and treated, saving many lives, marriages, and families.

I responded to my initial awareness of instances of spouse abuse with the same response that so many people had toward that of alcoholism. "Sure, there was the town shikker, but he was the exception. The aphorism ‘shikker is a goy,’ is still valid. And so I wished to believe that the one or two cases of spouse abuse that I encountered were freakish" and were merely anomalous occurrences, rare exceptions to the rule that the sacred institution of Jewish marriage is not subject to abuse.

But alas! Calls kept coming in, and in my contact with professional counselors across the country and in Israel, my naiveté was shattered. Perhaps the incidence among Jews was not the astronomical number that exists in the non-Jewish population, but neither is it an isolated phenomenon that can be ignored.

A doctor friend of mine told me that he had five hospital admissions for obvious alcohol abuse, and that each time his colleagues had sought to protect him from exposure of his problem because that might have jeopardized his license to practice medicine and earn his livelihood. His untreated alcoholism progressed and resulted in the breakup of his marriage, and it eventually also cost him his hospital privileges. He subsequently wrote an article entitled The Conspiracy of Silence, in which he states that with all their good intentions and kindness, his colleagues allowed him to destroy himself.

I began to be haunted by the concept of Do not stand idly by while your neighbor’s blood is being spilled (Leviticus 19:16), which the Talmud interprets to mean that one has an obligation to divert harm from coming to another person. When staffs of social agencies told me that their efforts to alert the Jewish community to the problem of spouse abuse were being ignored and that I should address the problem, because with my credentials as a rabbi and psychiatrist I might be better believed, I began to feel uneasy at remaining silent. Someone then pointed out to me that the Talmud says that anyone who has the ability to correct a situation and is derelict in doing so, bears the responsibility for whatever results therefrom (Shabbos 54b). I realized that I have no option, and that I must speak out.

There will be those who will say that such subjects should not be aired publicly, and that to even imply that Jewish husbands can be wife batterers is a chilul Hashem, a disgrace to the sanctity of Judaism. I understand that position, but if I must choose between being reprimanded by those who believe that this problem should be concealed or by a wife who has suffered (along with her children) from an abusive husband and who could not receive help because no one believed her, I know where I must make my choice.

Battered wives have often turned to their parents or to their spiritual leaders for help. Very often they have been told to avoid disrupting the family unit, to preserve shalom bayis (peace in the home), and that things will work out. Parents and rabbis are good and considerate people. They mean well, but they may have no way of knowing that their advice is wrong and could be deadly.

In our daily confession (oshamnu), we list a number of sins to which a human being may succumb because of anger, greed, lust, and various temptations that may override a person’s better judgment. We also confess yoatznu ra, that we have given bad advice. Why on earth would anyone do that? What gain or pleasure could possibly result from misleading someone else? Surely we are not suspect of being sadistic and deriving pleasure from malicious behavior.

No, we are not in any way suspected of being perverse. Yoatznu ra means that we have mistakenly and unintentionally given bad advice which we thought to be good advice and beneficial to those who sought our counsel. It is much like someone telling a friend, Try this medication. It did wonders for me, without knowing that the other person has a condition for which this medication may be very harmful.

Unless we understand the problems of spouse abuse, we may unwittingly give bad advice to our children, our friends, our clients, and our parishioners. This book is intended to provide insights into the problem from actual cases, as well as several observations on Torah values and an overview of conditions in society that must be considered when dealing with spouse abuse.

Spouse abuse can be subdivided into (1) physical abuse or battering, (2) emotional or verbal abuse, and (3) sexual abuse. Battering cases are predominantly husbands aggressing against wives, with the ratio of about 16:1. There are no valid statistics on emotional abuse, but there are incidents of the husband being the victim of this type of abuse. Both types are important and damaging to all family members. However, battering must be given special attention because this can be a real threat to life and limb. Since battering demands immediate attention, there will be greater focus on the wife as the victim of abuse in this book. This by no means diminishes the need to recognize and properly manage emotional abuse where the husband is the recipient. Also, there is a need to recognize that emotional abuse is indeed abuse. Too often, it is disregarded by some rabbis who dismiss the woman’s complaint because women are overly sensitive.

It is not my intent to disrupt marriages. To the contrary, ignoring and denying spouse abuse is what will ultimately result in, not only a dissolution of marriages, but also an impact on the children that will cause them to be dysfunctional spouses and parents when they mature and marry. Emotional abuse may precede physical violence, and early intervention at this point may forestall battering. If spouse abuse is identified and properly managed early, there is hope for the survival of the marriage. However, the survival of the marriage is contingent on the abuser’s choosing to make changes in himself. Allowing abuse to continue by making believe it does not exist is certain to undermine the relationship and eventually lead to its demise.

Let us begin to look at this very painful problem with as much open-mindedness and objectivity as we can muster. Needless to say, all names cited are fictitious, and in those instances in which accurate description of all details might have resulted in violating anonymities, non-essential details have been omitted.

Chapter 1

Resignation

Bella twisted her handkerchief and bit her lips, fighting back tears. I never thought it would come to this, she said.

"Our youngest son, Marvin, was Bar Mitzvah-ed three weeks ago. It was beautiful. Marvin led the services in the synagogue like a pro. The Bar Mitzvah party went off without a hitch. Both my parents and Bernie’s parents were glowing with nachas. As happy as I was, my heart was breaking, because I had decided that I wouldn’t ruin things for Marvin. There was no reason he should suffer, but that once his Bar