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    Zombie Management
    Zombie Management
    Zombie Management
    Ebook102 pages1 hour

    Zombie Management

    By Mike White

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Bob is a (mostly) obedient wage-slave at Xmart. The store exists some years after a localized zombie outbreak that was then largely contained. The CDC and cooperating government organizations are still mopping up the stragglers that occurred from the outbreak, however, and the occasional zombie walking into a store has become so commonplace Xmart actually has a code for informing employees about it, and they've added it into their training videos for employment.

    The occasional flare-up of zombies has also inspired the formation of a militia called the Livers who dutifully drive around town filling and performing their duty to eliminate zombies when the government isn't there to do it themselves.

    Given just how commonplace zombies have become, it's to be expected when some people don't take them very seriously anymore.

    Bob certainly doesn't. Seriously, how can he look at a bunch of hillbillies like the Livers riding around town with their fake uniforms with a straight face?

    The more fun part is having friends play the zombie roles in training videos because of how silly they look.

    Besides, the zombie response guide at Xmart is way more useful for hollowing out and putting a cheap tablet in for watching movies while "working." Really, what other use could it have?

    **

    Zombie Management is a Dark Comedy Horror Zombie Corporate Satire story like you've never seen.It will fulfill all your soda battle cannon/peanut butter/zombie gore metaphor requirements simultaneously. Fast, funny, and with no lack of ridiculous zany action perfect for anyone who's ever slaved away in the retail industry.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMike White
    Release dateJun 2, 2017
    ISBN9781370607365
    Zombie Management
    Author

    Mike White

    I'm going to try to throw as much wacky science fiction/fantasy, and non-fiction comedy at you as you can handle. I'll have more books coming really soon in the Blood Calls You Back Series and the world of Reality Zero. I recently made RZ free.https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/662666I love helping out other writers who have their own great stories to share, and I'm a prolific reader and reviewer.**2022 update-More stuff coming from everywhere including Reddit and Wattpad as well as here.

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      Book preview

      Zombie Management - Mike White

      Section 15- Dealing with a Zombie Patron

      The picture showed their store front, and the sliding doors in opening up and letting a shambling Mikey walking in. He was wearing dark splotches of make up to make his face look all ruined and zombie-ish. A lot of his clothes were torn up in a way that made it obvious scissors were used.

      Blarg, arg! Mikey said eloquently.

      Good evening sir, how may I help you? Said Mr. D as the camera zoomed out to include him.

      Blorg! Brains! Mikey responded.

      Mr. D pointed to Alice, tall Blonde, with bright green eyes and long, free-flowing hair. Mike sighed and Awkward Girl glanced at him with a smart look in her eyes. The first expression she’d shown beyond shy fear.

      Shutup, Bob said.

      Code 1-5-18 Alice said over the intercom. Repeat, Code 1-5-18. She had a voice like a choir of angels singing.

      Not really. Kinda shrill. Awkward Girl said, and Bob grew red realizing he had been speaking out loud. He really had to watch that.

      A deep, strong James Earl Jones kind of voice came over the action and said: In case of a Zombie incursion, remember to be courteous and polite! Your Customer may be simply sickly and mentally ill, never assume he or she is a zombie. If you suspect this and your manager signals you, call in the code.

      Blearg! Roar! Zombie! Mike said, and he began knocking over tables of peanuts and jamming his face into a sample tray of roast beef and scattering them everywhere, making animal sounds.

      Now a few more workers appeared, corralling the Zombie in a half circle and waving their arms until Mikey eventually turned around and blundered out of the store.

      Cancel Code 1-5-18. Alice purred over the intercom.

      The mousey girl smirked at him and he was afraid he’d been saying crap out loud again. She pulled out her worksheet and a pen, and Bob decided to walk outside to see what Mikey was up to.

      ROBERT. Someone said, and Bob turned around. It was Mr. D, coming out of conference with a bunch of other important looking people.

      Well? Where are you going?

      Bob paused in front of the outer doors.

      Just going to find Michael, Bob said, thinking quickly. He was on his 15 minute break but it’s up now.

      Fine, fine. Hurry up. Mr. D said, getting distracted as an important looking old guy in a suit started saying something business sounding to him. Mr. D’s face always lit up, as if Business talk were somehow getting him high.

      When he got outside, Mike was being all fan-boyish to a group of hickish looking livers, with the signature blackened zombie teeth necklaces that marked them as Livers.

      So, Livers huh? Bob heard Mike say to one of them, a tall muscular guy in his thirties. When Bob joined Mike he saw they actually wore name tags.

      Yeah, we’ve got that, said the muscular one- Kit. He tossed a dried up husk of misshapen meat to Mickey. He grabbed it reflexively then stared at it as if it were a giant, living cockroach in his hand.

      Mac, a fat man in his fifties laughed, making dopey noises: Ahyuk, ahyuk, and Bob swore he was laying on the redneck laugh thick on purpose.

      That’s a good ‘un, Twanged Mac. You come up with that yourself?

      Ganked it from the TeeVee, said Kit. It can be watchacallit- our motto.

      Sweet. said Mac, drawing it out into a whistle: Swa-heet."

      "You cut out their livers," Mickey said, a little in awe.

      Eyup, said Mac.

      "Bring ‘em back to the Church o’ the Livin’ Brotherhood back home, they worth a hun’red a piece," said Mac.

      You guys are awesome. Mike gushed. You takin like, applications?

      Fuck no, said Mac. We don’t do none o' that shit. Tell yah what we gonna do, he said, exaggerating the W with a puff of air. We heard rumors there might be an outbreak up here. If there is, you can ride along. You follow orders, do what yer told, don’t chicken out, maybe we let you talk to Big, see what he says. We lost a few back in Denver, so we could use some fresh meat, if you know what I mean.

      Mac ruffled Mike’s hair.

      Bob stared at Mickey. who looked like he was being petted by the Pope or something. They had just told him to his face that people drop dead left and right as Livers, and made no more fuss about it than if they had been a trip to the mall

      Mickey wasn’t listening to a single thing Bob was saying to him on the way back to Xmart. He looked like he was lovestruck or something. Creepy.

      …and then I’m going to load all of your earthly possessions into a giant catapult, and fire them straight to the moon, to ease the suffering of the moon peasants, Bob said to a very oblivious Mickey.

      Huh, what? Mickey said.

      Oh nothing, Said Bob innocently.

      They walked back into X-Mart and started heading for the back-room. Without saying anything, they both understood they were now going to head for a special spot in the back that was hidden by large shelves of furniture and lounge around with brooms nearby in case Mr. D found

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