Not By My Own

Not by My Own:

Whit Devereaux

Lincross Publishing

2017

Copyright © 2017 by Whit Devereaux

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

First Printing: 2017

ISBN 978-0-9987566-5-3

Lincross Publishing

4480-H South Cobb Drive Suite 391

Smyrna, GA 30080

www.whitdevereaux.com

Ordering Information:

Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, educators, and others. For details, contact Whit Devereaux – info@whitdevereaux.com

U.S. trade bookstores and wholesalers: contact Whit Devereaux

info@whitdevereaux.com

Dedication

To Anaya and Janae, this is for you. May you always remember that with God, all things are possible.

Contents

Introduction      11

Flashbacks: The 1st Encounter      13

The Invitation      19

Persuasion      23

Arrested      29

Offer of Acceptance      41

Isolation      51

His Return      57

Missed Period      67

The Test      73

I’m Keeping It      81

Move In Day      89

The Guard’s Revelation      93

Pressure      103

The Great Debate      117

Collapse      125

College Drop Out      141

Joy Ride      155

More Than Women’s Intuition      173

A New Start      187

The Set Up      197

You Got Served      213

Rededicated      223

Bondage      237

SURPRISE!      245

College Re-Bound: Valedictorian      259

What Do You Stand to Gain?      267

Every End is a New Beginning      279

Introduction

Not by My Own is a woman’s remarkable story inspired by the Bible verse John 5:30, which starts with, I can do nothing on my own. Devereaux Sawyer is a young woman dealing with feelings of insecurity and worthlessness who finds herself in an abusive relationship that later leads to teenage pregnancy. As a child, she was sexually abused by a family member, and that abuse greatly affected how she viewed herself. Abuse was the very root of the insecurity that Devereaux struggled with; she would not identify this until later in life. Most of her adult life was spent trying desperately to get to the root of the problem through self-reflection, prayer, and some counseling. She discovered that she had buried painful memories of incest that loomed in her past. It was just too difficult to face on her own. Thank God, she did not have to. Throughout this book, you will see the challenges Devereaux faces as she fights to become free from the bondage of abuse and generational curses.

Flashbacks: The 1st Encounter

Devereaux’s heart raced with fear as Bryce pulled out his .357 magnum and shot out the tires of a nearby parked car in the park. Wondering if she would be next, Devereaux sat frozen with fear. When would she wake up from this terrible nightmare? At that moment, she realized that it was not a dream at all; if she did not get out soon, she could be next on his hit list. Flashbacks like these would haunt Dev whenever she had a moment alone to reflect. Since moving to Atlanta from Chicago, Dev had more time to reflect since most of her friends and family were back home.

Devereaux, also known as Dev to her close friends and family, met Bryce two years prior. She was seventeen years old, just a senior in high school. She was on her way to college to become a journalist. He was sixteen years old (which she did not initially find out until months after dating) and did not go to school regularly because he was in and out of the jail system.

They were from two different worlds, but they were determined to mesh them together. He was so different from her and this intrigued her all the more. She had declared herself to be his ride or die chick. Bryce had been in and out of juvenile detention centers and jail throughout most of their relationship, but Dev kept holding on, thinking that if she could love him a little more, he would change his bad-boy ways.

They ran into each other at the Taste Tester event that was held in downtown Chicago. Every year, the city shut down multiple streets for its annual summer event. Dev and her friends had caught the train from the suburbs to reach the Taste Tester. Dev had been drinking with her friends, and her judgement was clouded. Bryce, fresh out of juvenile detention, attended the event alone. There was an immediate attraction between the two of them. Bryce was five-foot-eleven-inches with a slender build, and had long, braided hair. He was of Puerto Rican and Haitian descent. Dev was rocking her long, relaxed tresses in a feathered wrap, skinny jeans and a midriff top that showed off her beautiful black skin.

It was summertime, and Dev’s goal during the summer was to meet as many guys as possible before school started while keeping people out of her business. Although she talked to a lot of guys on the phone, she never actually met up with them. She was very shy and did this mainly to keep up with her friends. During school, Dev was totally focused—and not on boys. Dev secretly felt the need to keep up with her friends after years of struggling with rejection and low self-esteem. When she was just 5 years old, a family member inappropriately touched her. He was not much older than she was. Since their families were close, they spent a great deal of time together. Because of her premature sexual exposure, Dev equated love with physical touch early-on. Her family never talked about the sexual encounters, and neither did she. Her family’s disregard for the violations that happened behind closed doors led to a cycle of abuse that would later trickle into Dev’s personal relationships with men.

Bryce stopped Dev in the middle of the street and said, Aye Ms. Lady, where you going?

To get some pizza, she replied. Why?

Bryce said, I’m trying to go wherever you are.

Cool with me, she replied.

Her friend, Marcella, stood between them as they started to walk away together and said, "Girl are you crazy? You don’t know him to be going anywhere with him."

Bryce continued to make advances towards Dev and asked for her number. Dev readily gave it to him and they separated to enjoy the event. Later that same night at the Taste Tester, Bryce appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. He grabbed Dev by her waist, attempting to pull her away from her friends. It was like everyone else had disappeared. Instead of taking this as a warning sign, it made her even more attracted to him. Who is this guy, and what does he want with me? Dev wondered to herself. But she kept her mouth closed. She decided to walk and talk with him and her friends followed behind.

So, you said you wanna be my girl, huh? Bryce boldly asked.

Dev blushed and said, I don’t know about all of that, but I do wanna see you again.

Alright, Ms. Lady. Bryce kissed Dev on her cheek, almost touching her lips before walking away.

Just as quickly as he came, he was gone. Dev did not really expect to hear from him after that, but she secretly wished that he would continue to pursue her. Dev and her friends did not stay much longer at the event before they hopped back on the train and went home.

A few days later, Dev received a phone call from an unknown number. She would normally ignore numbers she did not recognize. It was more than likely someone calling the wrong number, she thought. Unsure whether or not to answer the phone, she answered. To her surprise, she heard the sweetest voice say to her, What’s up, Ma? How have you been? This is Bryce. Shocked and nervous at the same time, Dev managed to mutter, Hey, I am good. How are you?

After talking for hours on the phone, they scheduled a time to meet again in a public location to get to know each other more. Dev couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was something unique about Bryce. She had an immediate attraction to him that intensified with every minute that they talked. He was very attractive, what some would call fine; but it was more than his physical appearance that allured her. He was so raw, like an unpolished diamond. Dev could not wait to spend more time with him! She had a feeling that they were going to hit it off. Dev hung up the phone after her conversation with Bryce, and then retreated to a quiet space in her den. She decided to write her feelings in her journal. She was feeling inspired.

Mystery

You are intrigued by me,

And you don’t know why.

You don’t even know me.

My quiet nature pulls you to me.

It is a mystery about me that you need.

My calm manner and the way I hold my head up high,

Makes you wonder how I,

Got you so confused.

You don’t know me,

But you see me.

You never imagined feeling like this,

But you do.

You are intrigued by me,

And you don’t know why.

You don’t even know me.

The Invitation

That weekend, Dev met up with Bryce at Mackey’s Burger Grill on the south side of Chicago. She had to borrow her parents’ truck since she did not have her own, so Dev and Bryce arranged to meet up at the train station and then drive together to the restaurant. Dev was so nervous that she began to sweat. She had not been on many dates—especially not dates with boys like Bryce. Bryce revealed a very tender part of himself during their date when he began sharing a little bit of his family upbringing. He lived with his siblings and his father on the west side of town, and he had been in and out of the juvenile system since he was ten years old. His mother lived out of the state and they communicated mostly over the phone or through letters because of the distance. He never went into detail about why his mother moved, but he seemed saddened by it whenever he mentioned her.

He shared with her his desire to change his ways, but just did not know how or where to begin. He did not have any positive examples in his life.

Dev saw this as an opportunity to connect even more with him, so she invited him over to meet her family. Now she would just have to make her family see that Bryce needed help and that they were the ones to give it to him. Dev had never brought anyone home to meet her parents, but again, no one else had been as cute and as vulnerable with her as Bryce had. Dev begged her parents to open up their home to Bryce until they finally said yes. She was the baby girl in the family, so she got everything she asked for.

Later that night, Dev introduced the idea first to her father and then to her mother. Though Dev was getting older, she took no shame in affectionately calling her father Daddy. Her parents were her rock—always a consistent in her life. Though her mom was more of a disciplinarian, Dev knew that her dad always had a soft spot in his heart for his precious daughter.

Could I talk with you a minute, Daddy?

Sure, baby. Is everything okay? her father asked.

Well, yes and no. I am okay, but a friend of mine is not. I wanted to bring him by to meet you and Momma so he can be exposed to positivity. Dev went on to explain that Bryce had been dealt a rough hand in life and thought that if he got to see her around her parents, that it would have a great impact on him. Dev’s father happily agreed to meet with Bryce, as she expected he would, but Dev’s mother was skeptical.

Why does he need to come here? Where are his parents at? questioned Dev’s mother.

"Momma please, just once?" Dev knew that if she begged long enough, her parents would give in. She was right.

Dev could not wait to tell Bryce the good news. She called him on the phone to give him an update. Hello, can I speak to Bryce?

It’s me, Ms. Lady. Bryce replied.

I have great news! I talked to my parents, and they want to meet you. Dev had to embellish a little. She wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible. Her mother was not excited to meet him at all, while her father was more accepting.

Bryce did not need to know all of that. He seemed to be just as excited about it as she was! They planned to get together that weekend. Once she got off the phone, she started singing an Alicia Keys song, I keep on falling in love with you….

Persuasion

It was a hot summer day, and Bryce caught the train from his home to meet with Dev to meet her family. He was not quite sure what to expect, but he was ready for change. He figured this would be a move in the right direction. As he exited the train, Bryce saw a truck that fit the description that Dev gave him—a red Kia Sportage. He was low on cash, but he was hungry. Bryce hoped that Dev would offer to buy him something. Just as he thought this, he approached Dev and she asked if he wanted anything to eat before they got on the road. Smiling, he thought to himself that he had won the jackpot with this one. With Bryce recently getting out of juvenile detention, he was trying to financially get back on his feet. He could not ask his father for money because his father didn’t have much money himself. He was embarrassed to be so broke, but he tried not to let this get in the way of their meeting today. Dev didn’t have much money, but she was generous. Unlike Bryce, she could ask her father for anything and he would go out of his way to give it to her. She was his baby girl, after all.

Dev was frightened by what her parents would think of Bryce when they met him; he was so different. From the way he walked to the way he talked, she just knew that at first glance, her parents would reject him. When Dev and Bryce pulled up to her home, before getting out, Bryce looked around in amazement. He had never been to the suburbs before. He wanted to take it all in. Dev’s mother had invited some of Dev’s older siblings to meet Bryce, too. Everyone seemed to be hitting it off, playing cards and laughing.

Dev’s mother questioned him like crazy. So, what are your intentions with my daughter? That particular question made Dev nervous. As much as she wanted to know the answer, she shuttered to think of what her mother would say if Bryce did not respond accordingly.

He replied smoothly, I really want to get to know her from the inside out. Knowing a person’s heart means a lot to me. I want her to get to know me in the same way. Dev’s mother smiled and winked at her father in approval.

Dev did not want their time together to end and neither did Bryce. He asked Dev if she could see if her parents would let him stay in the spare bedroom. She walked