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    Those Who Dream by Day
    Those Who Dream by Day
    Those Who Dream by Day
    Ebook79 pages1 hour

    Those Who Dream by Day

    By D B English

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    A collection of short stories from the enigmatic DB English; writer, lover, gourmand, liar.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherD B English
    Release dateJul 11, 2017
    ISBN9781386450702
    Those Who Dream by Day
    Author

    D B English

    D B English is a totally cool guy; wit, raconteur, international playboy, lover par excellence, gourmet chef with a penchant for fine wines, cask ales and aged brandy. His sexual prowess is the stuff of legend amongst the harems of Eastern potentates, his formidable abilities as both swordsman and unarmed combatant have made his name both feared and respected across the globe. Iron Mike Tyson, the former world heavyweight boxing champion, was once reported to have locked himself in a bathroom, whimpering in terror upon being told that D B was looking for him. Not only is D B phenomenally well-blessed in the trouser department, his techniques of seduction are so irresistible that it has been said that no female can resist the urge to hurl themselves bodily at his feet the moment he enters the room. No doubt many readers will recall the words of Marylin Monroe when, upon being asked what she wore in bed, replied 'Hey, is that D B English over there? Outta my way, boys, hubba! hubba!' And yet, despite being undoubtedly the most handsome, virile, witty, articulate and totally fabulous all-round embodiment of masculinity, D B remains at heart a simple, humble soul. Perhaps this is why great statesmen and captains of industry have sought the wisdom of his counsel, availing themselves of his freely-proffered pearls of intellectual perfection as they have wrestled with the weighty issues of the day. It may be recalled how, upon being asked what he thought of Western civilisation, the great Mahatma Ghandi remarked 'Apart from that god in human form, D B English, I think it would be a very good idea'. And so, dear reader, you may indeed consider yourself fortunate, nay, blessed to hold in your hand a selection of the mighty D B's work in your mortal hand. How fortunate was that day on which the fates decreed that you should be so favoured. Surely, there can be no finer way to close the curtain on our little performance than to quote the master himself. As D B English said: 'If you believe a word of this bullshit, you can weave fog!'

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      Book preview

      Those Who Dream by Day - D B English

      Introduction

      Who is D B English?

      D B English is a totally cool guy; wit, raconteur, international playboy, lover par excellence, gourmet chef with a penchant for fine wines, cask ales and aged brandy. His sexual prowess is the stuff of legend amongst the harems of Eastern potentates, his formidable abilities as both swordsman and unarmed combatant have made his name both feared and respected across the globe. Iron Mike Tyson, the former world heavyweight boxing champion, was once reported to have locked himself in a bathroom, whimpering in terror upon being told that D B was looking for him.

      Not only is D B phenomenally well-blessed in the trouser department, his techniques of seduction are so irresistible that it has been said that no female can resist the urge to hurl themselves bodily at his feet the moment he enters the room. No doubt many readers will recall the words of Marylin Monroe when, upon being asked what she wore in bed, replied 'Hey, is that D B English over there? Outta my way, boys, hubba! hubba!'

      And yet, despite being undoubtedly the most handsome, virile, witty, articulate, and totally fabulous all-round embodiment of masculinity, D B remains at heart a simple, humble soul. Perhaps this is why great statesmen and captains of industry have sought the wisdom of his counsel, availing themselves of his freely-proffered pearls of intellectual perfection as they have wrestled with the weighty issues of the day. It may be recalled how, upon being asked what he thought of Western civilisation, the great Mahatma Ghandi remarked 'Apart from that god in human form, D B English, I think it would be a very good idea'.

      And so, dear reader, you may indeed consider yourself fortunate, nay, blessed to hold a selection of the mighty D B's work in your mortal hand. How fortunate was that day on which the fates decreed that you should be so favoured. Surely, there can be no finer way to close the curtain on our little performance than to quote the master himself. As D B English said:

      'If you believe a word of this bullshit, you can weave fog!'

      Foreword

      By

      Charles Dickens

      Well, bless my soul! What a boon to the world of letters this chap has created. Why, if such a source of wonder had been available in my day, I do believe I might have created even more memorable characters than Mr Pickwick, Oliver Twist and...er...all those others that nobody remembers now.

      I was saying to dear old Bill Shakespeare only the other day, ‘Bill,’ says I ‘how come we wrote such great works and no bugger reads them any more? Isn’t it a shame that no wise soul offered the great unwashed a method of preserving our genius for posterity? Nay, I would elucidate further; why should the unsung heroes of the quill not have a means of broadcasting their worthy tomes throughout the Empire and beyond?’

      And do you know what the old misery guts replied?

      ‘Pickle off, you silly old mardle, I’m trying to cop a feel off this cracking strumpet.’

      Forsooth, the chap in the street has little inkling of the true state of affairs up here and no mistake! Still, this young fellow, what’s his name? D.B. Something-or-other, is it? Well, ‘pon my soul, he has instigated a worthy enterprise, award the dashing chap a knighthood, that’s what I say! I think I’ll pop over to dear old Queen Vicky and have a word.

      Meanwhile, dear readers and writers, support this chap in his endeavours, that’s my advice. Subscribe, imitate, contribute, strain your creative faculties to the utmost! You never know, you may one day join such luminaries as myself in the pantheon of greatness beyond the Pearly Gates!

      Just watch out for Shakespeare, he’s a right old furtleshanker in real life. Or death, as the case may be.

      Toodle-pip!

      Charlie Dickens (no, really, it is me, I’m definitely not a mere ploy from the fevered imagination of...somebody else, honest.)

      Contents

      The Last Chance Saloon

      It’s Not On

      Man, Failed

      Marie

      The Writer

      Waiting

      The Cock-up

      The Goddess of the 14:38

      The Online Dinosaur

      Father’s Day

      The Equation

      The Fire Drill

      Casablanca

      The Argument

      The King of the Patchwork Realm

      The Last Chance Saloon

      He jumped off the wagon and landed heavily in the dust of Main Street. He brushed himself down and looked around. There was no-one in sight. The houses and stores were asleep, shuttered against the shimmering heat of high noon. Only the saloon was open. He read the name, printed in peeling, faded paint above the swing doors.

      'Yep, figures', he thought 'this is the one joint that never closes. Thank God.'

      He went inside. The air was cool in here, perfumed by countless cheap cigars, stale beer and lost hopes. The barman was wiping a beer glass, leaning against the mahogany bar, which had been polished smooth by a million sleeves. A brown-haired man sat on a bar stool, nursing a glass of memories and forgetfulness.

      The barman looked up, smiled. 'Howdy', he said 'what'll it be?'

      He thought for moment. What the hell. 'Just water, I guess.'

      The barman nodded, drew a glass

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