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    Divine Intermission: Divine Intermission, #1
    Divine Intermission: Divine Intermission, #1
    Divine Intermission: Divine Intermission, #1
    Ebook75 pages53 minutes

    Divine Intermission: Divine Intermission, #1

    By L. David Hesler

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    About this ebook

    Carl has experienced the apocalypse thousands of times, although he wouldn't know Armageddon if it bit him on the ass.

    Carl is the Wondrous Blunder, an accidentally immortal soul living a recycled existence. Despite messages and hints from a seemingly higher power, he has no idea that the multiverse is crumbling around him.

    Something inexplicable is happening to reality itself and the whole thing has something to do with Carl's own Creator, a mysterious deity who recently took an extended leave from the office.

    Yes, the Gods use cubicles. They're just empty right now.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherL. David Hesler
    Release dateAug 5, 2017
    ISBN9781386029069
    Divine Intermission: Divine Intermission, #1
    Author

    L. David Hesler

    L. David Hesler is an author of horror, fantasy, and science fiction for teen and adult readers. He currently produces the horror fiction podcast Bad Notes; he also co-produces the Be Mega Podcast, where he spends a few hours every week creating absurd super heroes with his friend Adam Martens. When he isn’t crafting weird tales, he is either pounding away on a Schecter guitar in his home studio or he’s trying to catch up on a reading list that’s been growing since 1995. L. David Hesler’s work includes the short story collection “Prismatica,”the ongoing novella series “Divine Intermission,” and the YA fantasy novel, “Children of Aerthwheel.” His poetry and short fiction have appeared in the literary magazines “New Wine,” “The Ivy Review,” and “State of Imagination.” His original play “Public Domain” was produced in 2012. He has also published the YA fantasy adventure “Roswell Newton,” a re-imagining of his own independently produced web comic “The Adventures of Roswell Newton.” Hesler has also written and performed music for several alternative rock albums with the bands DeepSkyTraveler and The Pale Hypnotic. In 2011, he released an album of music inspired by his novel “Children of Aerthwheel.” Occasionally, he performs live music in the virtual world of Second Life. For approximately seven years, Hesler was heavily involved in local theater to the point that he co-founded a production company that ran performances of “The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged)” from 2000 to 2003. As you read this text, he’s probably thinking of ways to simultaneously give you goosebumps and make you giggle. Be warned.

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      Book preview

      Divine Intermission - L. David Hesler

      ––––––––

      In the beginning, everything goes shlorp.

      That is to say, the sound that everything in the universe makes when it is suddenly summoned into existence by the All Powerful Creator of Things is most similar to the sound of a lollipop being violently yanked from the puckered lips of an otherwise cheerful toddler. And, not coincidentally, in both cases there follows a similar period of discontent, senseless crying, and unexplainable hopelessness.

      When the universe is done shlorping, and when the early organisms (most comparable to mud and jelly) have finished their fits of sobbing and have come to terms with the dreadful idea that they are now, in fact, part of the Cosmic Swing of Things, there is an unrelenting time of terrible silence.

      In most histories of creation, it is during this time of somber reflection that the seeds of knowledge are planted by the Creator within those lowly first organisms; these pre-programmed collections of information eventually lead to such common inventions as the wheel, the spear, and in some particularly sophisticated circles of organisms, secret handshakes. It should be noted that the memorization of such handshakes can result in the difference between the eventual development of a war-torn, vengeful society obsessed with destruction and general hum buggery and a Utopian society bent mostly on finding new ways to intoxicate its citizens and having a generally awesome time.

      This is simply the blue print for a successful cosmos, much akin to the way a successful writer of fiction might follow rules about plot and character development. And, as writers are fond of breaking some of these rules to make things interesting or confusing for the reader, gods are also able to bend the rules in order to make a more entertaining or, at the very least, altogether mystifying cosmos.

      Most respectful deities are quite capable of following the blue print while at the same time designing unique embellishments such as triclopean centipede dogs or reversed volcanoes that erupt into the earth and blow volatile winds into the planet’s interior. Such deities are regarded not only as expert Creators, but also as innovative artists. And for the most part, a good number of the great Creators, most of which are card-carrying members of the esteemed but mostly ill-tempered League of Malevolent Makers, are widely regarded as artistic masterminds.

      A few gods, however, are not as focused and cunning in the execution of their revered duties. And sometimes, the more blundering sorts of gods make enormous mistakes.

      This, my mortal friend, is the story of one such incident.

      In a cloud of ethereal wonder beyond the boundaries of what any mortal creature could possibly imagine, there angles an enormous white structure that, upon first glance, must be a glorious ivory tower; but it is not ivory. It is primeval stucco. Neither is it a tower. It is, in fact, an office building attached to a piece of rock that has existed since the beginning of nothing, before the creation of everything. The rock roughly resembles a stone baseball and the tower protrudes from the stone sphere’s side like an erect, infected gray hair. No matter how a person looks at the building, it always protrudes from the left side of the rock. There’s no physical explanation for this phenomenon. It is simply considered one of the Netherverse’s ultimate architectural and artistic achievements. Unfortunately no one knows exactly how the thing came to be.

      Inside this office building, known throughout the infinite Netherverse as Elysium Incorporated, the gods of all the universes toil away at making civilizations crumble, reorganizing weather patterns, and generally showing off to the deity in the next cubicle.

      Yes, the gods do work in cubicles.

      Each one is fitted with a matching granite desk and chair, an enormous calendar that covers the course of eternity (which happens to end on a Thursday), a trashcan, a custom-made coffee chalice with the respective deity’s name inscribed in gold upon its surface, and a top of the line Interspiritual Column of Souls for maintaining accurate records in all the various universes existing at any given time.

      The Creators are generally allocated five personal items with which they may customize their cubicles so as not to make the work week seem too mundane. After all, the work week of the gods lasts until that final doomed Thursday afternoon when every deity in Elysium Inc. will resound, Thank You, it’s Thursday!

      The many wondrous

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