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    Life Without Bullying: A Practical Guide
    Life Without Bullying: A Practical Guide
    Life Without Bullying: A Practical Guide
    Ebook163 pages2 hours

    Life Without Bullying: A Practical Guide

    By Lynda Bevan

    4.5/5

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    About this ebook

    Life doesn't have to be like this! Are you getting pushed around? Do you feel you need to do everything asked of you by your partner or anyone else? Do you feel you have to fulfill all your partner's needs no matter what? Are you frightened of being unable to survive without your partner? Are you picked on and undermined if you question your partner on any issue? Is your self-esteem low? Have you lost your confidence? Do you remember a time when you could think for yourself and deal with most of the things that life throws at you? Do you ask yourself, "where have I gone wrong and how can I put it right?" Do you ask yourself, "where is the person who could deal with the daily problems of relationships and life, gone, or indeed have I not yet learned to think and act for myself?"
    If you answered YES to any of these questions, then this book is for you.
    Life Without Bullying: A Practical Guide is an essential tool in assisting you to change your position from being emotionally dependent on your partner to becoming emotionally independent. It will assist you in changing from being emotionally inadequate to becoming emotionally adequate. This book will enable you to become the person you once were or it can change you to becoming the person you have always wanted to be.
    "It is hard to believe how much useful information the author has packed into this slender tome."
    --Sam Vaknin, PhD, author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissim Revisited



    Book #3 in the 10-Step Empowerment Series

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherLoving Healing Press
    Release dateJan 1, 2012
    ISBN9781615991518
    Life Without Bullying: A Practical Guide
    Author

    Lynda Bevan

    Lynda Bevan lives in a picturesque village in South Wales, United Kingdom. She is 59 years of age, married for the third time, with three (adult) children. During her teens and early twenties, she pursued and enjoyed acting and taught drama at local Youth Centers. Her 22-year career has involved working in the area of mental health, with the two major care agencies in the UK, Social Services and the National Health Service. After the birth of her third child, and with her second mar-riage ending, she became employed by Social Services and climbed through the ranks to senior management level with some speed. During her career with Social Services, she developed a passion for counseling and psychotherapy and worked extensively with mental health patients within the organization, setting up counseling projects in Healthcare Centers. The task was to tackle the issue of doctors who inappropriately referred patients to Psychiatric Hospitals for therapy when they had experienced events that arise in normal everyday life, e.g., divorce, anxiety, depression, bereavement, stress, loss of role. It was during this time that she became involved in marital/relationship counseling and, coincidentally, was experi-encing difficulties within her own relationship. The experience of working in this environment, and her own relationship issues, enabled Lynda to be innovative; creating methods of coping and developing strategies that enabled her and her patients to live within their problematic relationships. These strategies were devised and offered to patients who had clearly identified that they did not want to separate or proceed with the divorce process. After taking early retirement from Social Services, she be-came employed by the National Health Service as a Counselor in the Primary Healthcare Setting. During this pe-riod in her career, she began using the strategies she had developed with patients who were referred for relationship counseling and who did not want to end their partner-ship/marriage. These strategies have been used extensively over a ten-year period with impressive results. Lynda is presently employed as a Manager of a charity that supports people who are HIV positive. She is also the Resident Relationship Counselor on Swansea Sound Radio Learn more at www.LyndaBevan.com

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    • 4/5
      I won this book thru Rebecca?s Reads. It is a practical guide in dealing with jealousy and the different forms of it. It is a very quick read with only 110 pages and has a lot of great information in it. I like all the quotes that are intermingled throughout the book. This book breaks down the different types of jealousy and how a person can overcome those negative thoughts. The author also includes both sides of the jealously component and how the other partner can overcome as well.
    • 5/5
      Your mom may have been right when she told you there were no monsters under your bed, but that doesn?t mean they can?t be lurking inside your own head. If you find that you are frequently visited by a certain ?green-eyed monster,? then it?s worth your time to take a look at Lynda Bevan?s book. You?ll be exposed to the information necessary to slay your jealous beast once and for all.It didn?t take me long to realize how often I was getting attacked by the ?green-eyed monster.? I finally got to the point where I had to ask myself if I was going to let this unpleasant thing run my life. Thankfully, I ran across Lynda Bevan?s book Life Without Jealousy. Don?t be fooled by how thin it is; these pages are full of helpful information to ward off constant fits of jealousy. Bevan eases the reader into the issue of jealousy by explaining exactly what the emotion is. She delves into the differences between jealousy and envy and provides examples that will really hit home. What I enjoyed best about this book was its simplicity. It?s laid out in a clear, concise way. The language is not over-the-top with ridiculous vocabulary only six percent of the population uses, unlike many self-help books out there. Bevan gets straight to the heart of the matter and provides a definition of jealousy, its causes, and useful ways to combat it. The exercises are also simple. So simple, in fact, that you?ll be amazed you never thought of them yourself. However, when done repeatedly as advised by Bevan, I was really able to notice a difference in the frequency of my battles with jealousy. As with most things, it takes a lot of repetition to make a lasting change, so don?t expect Bevan?s advice to work the first day. Confronting your jealousy issues will take some time and there is no quick fix. Bevan gives you all the tools and information you need to ultimately defeat all those nagging self-doubts that evolve into jealous rage. It?s my personal opinion that anyone who has jealousy and/or self-esteem issues will greatly benefit from this book.

    Book preview

    Life Without Bullying - Lynda Bevan

    Introduction

    Are you a victim? Are you living with a victim? This book is for you if you can answer yes to one of these questions.

    Reading on will help you to understand the thinking process of a victim and will assist you in transferring from the role of victim to the role of survivor. Following this plan will enable you to do this by clearly identifying how you became a victim and how you can change your thinking and behavior patterns in order to embrace the role of survivor.

    If you are a victim or living with one, you will know that to have a relationship with a victim is hard work and an uphill struggle in that it drains you of energy and places responsibility and accountability on to one person in the partnership, the survivor. The relationship that exists for you at the present time is difficult because one of you is negative. This person refuses to take responsibility for all input—whether it is emotional or physical.

    By reading this book, and adopting the strategy of changing your role, you will experience the highs and lows of changing yourself. It is necessary but difficult to relive the past in order to find out how and why you became a victim in the first instance, but the eventual reward is worth your effort as you relinquish the victim role and adopt the role of survivor.

    Definitions of Victim

    •  An unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance

    •  A person who is tricked or swindled

    •  Someone who has suffered from an unlawful act, whether it is a personal or a property crime

    •  A person harmed by another’s action

    •  A person on whom sexual violence is inflicted

    •  Someone who suffers some loss as a result of another’s action

    •  An individual who suffers direct or threatened physical, emotional, financial, or spiritual harm as a result of a crime/domestic abuse.

    We shall examine the role of] will look at the role of victim in adult marriage/partnership relationships and will explain how to change the role from victim to survivor. In Appendix A, we expand this model to include workplace bullying.

    You are a victim if…

    •  you believe that you have no control over your life

    •  you believe that you can do nothing right

    •  you believe that no-one really cares for you

    •  you are often negative

    •  you waiting for someone to rescue you

    •  you put pressure on you partner to make everything alright for you

    •  you opt out of life

    •  you are fearful

    •  your are insecure

    •  you are usually depressed or anxious

    •  you feel under constant threat of something bad happening

    •  you sabotage positive thinking and behavior

    •  you are distrustful

    •  you wait for disasters to occur

    •  you have emotional problems

    •  you may turn to drugs or alcohol as a means of escape

    •  you are isolated from friends and family

    •  you withdraw from real life

    A ‘victim’ in a marriage/partnership relationship sucks and drinks the energy of the other member. A ‘victim’ is a ‘bloodsucker’ draining the partner of energy, enthusiasm and drive. ‘Victims’ are negative and/or can’t be bothered to do anything constructive for themselves so they rely on a partner or anyone else to give them what they want at any cost. They will surrender control of their lives over to their partner in the hope that their partner will make everything alright.

    A ‘victim’ needs to work hard to stay the same in order to prevent life changes. Victimhood is enabled by the partner doing things to help the victim. A ‘victim’ has taken a long time to become this way and will be extremely reluctant to surrender the role. If you are living with a ‘victim’ or are a ‘victim’ yourself, you will know that by opting out of responsibility and accountability you are, in effect, the controller of the relationship, albeit a negative controller.

    To victimize someone is to persecute them. To victimize someone is also to ‘pester’ them. Slow and deliberate pestering can wear an individual down into an anxious/depressive state of mind. Pestering (nagging) is to persistently annoy someone into surrender.

    When persecuting/victimizing someone, you are subjecting them to harassment designed to injure, grieve and afflict.(Merriam-Webster)

    Example of Becoming a Victim

    A lady I have counseled told me that she had tried, very hard, to mend her broken marriage with her husband. When they separated, she had moved out of the family home with her children and moved back to her mother’s home nearby. The couple remained in touch daily. He visited her mother’s home every weekend to spend quality time with his children. Eventually, both parties accepted the break-up but were eager that the children would not suffer unduly.

    During this phase, they continued sleeping together on the weekend visits and generally behaved as if they were still in a marriage. My patient was happy with this situation because she wanted to reconcile and give the marriage a second chance. Her husband seemed happy with this arrangement and gave her all the signs that this is what he wanted also. This situation continued for some 18 months. As time moved on, however, this lady began to realize that she had become a victim of her husband’s controlling behavior yet again.

    The weekend typically began with her welcoming him into her mum’s home on a Friday evening with a hearty meal, wine and the warmth of a loving family atmosphere. The following day he took the children on a daytrip and she never knew whether she would be invited to ‘tag’ along. She always was invited eventually, but the question always hung in the air until the last possible moment when he grudgingly agreed to her coming along, usually after a request from one of the children.

    It dawned on her that even when they had lived together permanently, her views had still never been taken into consideration. Indeed, she told me that when the family embarked on a daytrip she was never allowed to suggest a place to visit. If she volunteered an opinion, he would say quite curtly, No-one is interested in where you want to go, your opinion in unimportant.

    She also recalled being told to keep her head down as she walked along the road while taking their newly born baby for a walk in the pram, as she was offending passers-by because she was so ugly. During the years she was married to him, he had brainwashed her into believing that she was not up to much and lucky to have met and married him. Slow and persistent brainwashing had reduced her to believing she could make nothing of herself and her life and was, therefore, privileged and grateful to have him. She became a ‘victim’ because she did not have the confidence to stand up to her controlling husband.

    This is an all too familiar story of how to become a victim.

    If You Are A Victim…

    •  You believe you’re at your partner’s mercy

    •  You smile when you want to cry

    •  You pretend that everything is alright

    •  You tip-toe around your partner all the time (treading on egg shells)

    •  You will do your partner’s bidding—no matter the consequence to yourself

    •  You give-up on yourself

    •  You experience suppressed anger and frustration

    •  You become nondescript

    •  You have a low self-esteem

    •  You block out emotions

    •  You believe you are unloved

    •  Your life is flat-lining

    •  You are depressed and/or anxious

    •  You opt out of all responsibility and accountability, preferring their partner to make decisions

    If you had a friend who talked to you like you sometimes talk to yourself, would you continue to hang around with that person?

    —Rob Bremer

    Here are some examples of positive responses a victim

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