Come, get me

Table of Contents

Come, get me

Come, get me...........

5/9/16 10:00am

The door opens:

5/10/16 8:38am

5/12/16 10:01pm

5/15/16 7:20am

5/18/16 7:14pm

5/21/16 7:24am

5/21/16 8:10pm

5/22/16 6:55am

5/25/16 6:26am

5/29/16 6:12pm

5/30/16 9:32am

6/1/16 10:38am

6/4/16 4:16pm

6/8/16 11:01am

6/13/16 9:42am

6/17/16 9:25am

6/17/16 9:04am

6/19/16 8:04am

6/19/16 7:55pm

8/18/16 6:48am

9/4/16 9:44am

9/5/16 7:54am

9/7/16 11:43am

12/2/16 10:10pm

12/4/16 12:37pm

12/5/16 5:55pm

12/26/2016 10:24am

1/1/2017 12:12am

1/12/2017 7:55pm

1/13/2017 6:32pm

1/25/17 8:51am

1/29/17 8:59am

1/28/2017 12:57pm

1/29/2017 1:57pm

3/19/2017 6:50am

3/21/17 9:25pm

4/4/17 9:33am

4/7/17 9:53am

Come, get me

Copyright © 2017 by Kate Candy

All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Come, get me...........

––––––––

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be gotten? Or to get someone else?

Have you ever wondered what other people are really thinking? Do they think about the same things you do? And if you got into someone’s head, would that help you understand your own thoughts?

What if you could have your dream therapist?

Here are the transcripts of my year with Caitlyn Jenner, a therapist that I dreamed up. Here are my problems, my worries, my angst responded to by a celebrity whose life experiences would make her incredibly insightful.

Please to enjoy,

Kate Candy

5/9/16 10:00am

I feel terrible. Today, I woke up, sweaty, congested, drained. What did I have? It feels like some sort of undefined bug. Too severe to be a cold, but not quite the flu. It just knocked me out. I really would like to go to a therapist. There are areas of my life that need fixing, but I can’t afford it. Nor do I know how to find a good therapist, so I decided to role-play, with the hope that I can pull myself up and out of my funk and get a life that I would be proud of.

Who would be my ideal therapist? I think it is someone who has compassion, and a kind of empathy that comes from an experience beyond school: someone who has a knowledge of something. I think I’m going to choose a tailor because I think that a tailor has a love of process, prevision, color, style. I want my therapist to be a man because men seem strong, but men are also hard. I don’t like women. Let’s explore. I don’t have experience with women being nice to me. Is this true? I think this is something I should explore with the therapist. I guess I’m going to have to have a transgendered therapist. At least, they would be able to understand me being tall. I guess my therapist would have to be Caitlyn Jenner. Not a tailor, but an extreme athlete, so someone who understands practice, success, striving, and she’s raised a bunch of kids, Kardashians, who need to work on my likeability.

The great thing about a dream therapist is that when you want her, she’s there. (I’ll try to stick to 30-minute sessions with the occasional one hour).

The door opens:

Caitlyn: What’s going on with you?

Me: I feel horrible. I saw Boyd the Sunday before last and he was sick. He thought he had allergies, which he said were really bad, but then Tuesday I started feeling sick. I thought I should take a day off from work, but I didn’t. And then Saturday I just kind of fell apart.

Caitlyn: Do you blame Boyd?

Me: That’s interesting because I kind of do. I’m sort of like how did you not know you didn’t have allergies? I had to tell myself that families give each other crap all the time. Do the mothers blame the kids for all the illnesses they get? Interestingly, I don’t remember giving my parents anything. The upside of the low physical contact family.

Caitlyn: Besides the illness, your vulnerability, and blaming Boyd. How else do you feel?

Me: Well, I think my blaming Boyd is actually very interesting. I wonder if I feel that there’s some sort of malicious intent at work, like he gave this to me on purpose. I don’t think I trust him.

Caitlyn: Really?

Me: But I’m trusting him more than I did in the beginning. I went through this horrible period when I wanted to drive by his house to see if anyone was parked in front of it. He’s really protective of the space in front of his house, so I thought that if there was a car in front of his house, then it would indicate something.

Caitlyn: That he was stumpfing someone else.

Me: Yes, and he isn’t stumpfing me, so.....

Caitlyn: So, that’s the realization of your worst nightmare, the guy who can’t get it up for you, but....

Me: is getting it up for someone else. Exactly.

Caitlyn: So, what happened when you went over there?

Me: I didn’t go over there. I thought that I would get angry if there was a car, angry to the point of slashing tires or breaking glass and I would be sad if there were no car.

Caitlyn: Sad?

Me: Sad because I’d feel like a fool

Caitlyn: Okay, let’s put aside this toxicity, and focus on what would make you feel that you could trust Boyd. What do you need to see in the relationship?

Me: Arrrrrrrgh, I don’t know. That’ a great question. Let’s bold it: What would you need to see/feel in the relationship to feel that you trusted Boyd?

Caitlyn: You know I think we should flip that and ask you, what would you need to do to trust yourself? You talk about how you were worried that if you saw a car in front of Boyd’s house that you would flip out. What is that about? If Boyd’s going to be that big of an asshole, why are you worried about your reaction? Why do you see yourself as the problem?

Me: Good point. Let’s bold it. Why do you see yourself as the problem?

Fuck, I guess I want more happiness, which would mean more control. And my job doesn’t help. The constant whine of We don’t like you.

Caitlyn: Are you talking about your survey evaluation scores where the students rate your teaching?

Me: They’re not going up, and I don’t know why.

Caitlyn: Hard to get up in the morning when you feel like all that’s in store is a class full of negativity.

Me:  Yes, it is. Which brings me to today’s hot topic: the TESOL proposal. I would love to work on that but I’m scared of trying.

Caitlyn: Because it brings up emotions and you can’t control emotions.

Me: Well, I kind of can, but I feel that I can’t. Because there’s negative blowback.

Caitlyn: And you feel that your response to the blowback would cause more blowback.

Me: And I’ll get in trouble, like I did with my annual review.

Caitlyn: Okay, I feel that you’re going wavy on me, like an old-timey TV dream sequence. Are you still with me?

Me: Yes, but I’m feeling all these distracting things: food, the Deck for lunch? My mind’s just going in and out.

Caitlyn: I think that’s a defense mechanism when things look as if they might be uncomfortable.

Me: Maybe.

Caitlyn: Okay, we only have 15 more minutes, so let’s talk about the TESOL proposal. Are you afraid of failure?

Me: No, I’m afraid of pain.

Caitlyn: Keep going.

Me: It was so painful not to get my proposal accepted last year.

Caitlyn: Okay. Let’s look at that. Painful that you didn’t get accepted. How many people didn’t get it?

Me: Okay.

Caitlyn: How many?

Me: Lots.

Caitlyn: How do you feel right now?

Me: Shitty.

Caitlyn: Trouble focusing?

Me: Yes.

Caitlyn: What are you feeling right now? In your body?

Me: Chest compressions.

Caitlyn: Anxiety.

Me: Yes.

Caitlyn: Okay, stay with it, breathe. This won’t kill you. Stay with it.

Me: It’s hard, I feel like I want to cry.

Caitlyn: Tears won’t kill you either.

Me: Yeah. No. Maybe (smile)?

Caitlyn: How many people didn’t get accepted to go to TESOL?

Me: Lots.

Caitlyn: Why do you want to go to TESOL?

Me: A feeling that I’m moving forward. It seems the thing to do.

Caitlyn: But do you WANT to do it?

Me: I don’t want Nina to get it and I don’t. And I won’t if I don’t try, and I think she will.

Caitlyn: Whoa. Is this about Nina?

Me: Maybe.

Caitlyn: Are you doing this because of Nina? Are you competing with Nina?

Me: In a way. Maybe. I think Nina is competing with me. I think she’s set me up as a benchmark that she uses as a measurement of her success.

Caitlyn: Is this about you or is this about Nina?

Me: Huh?

Caitlyn: About how Nina is in the world?

Me: What do you mean?

Caitlyn: Nina is competitive. That is her nature. Remember her story about being fast on hikes. Remember her and Scrabble. She likes to win. She does win. That’s her. Who are you? Forget Nina. What is TESOL to you?

Me: Another opportunity to feel a whole bunch of fucking stress.

Caitlyn laughs: Right? Just signing up for more chest compressions.

Me: And tears.

Caitlyn: And then there’s the stress of the conference. And the expense accounts. And what you’re going to wear? And the actual presentation.

Me: Yeah.

Caitlyn: How do you feel in your body right now?

Me: Crying.

Caitlyn: Why?

Me: Just thinking about all that stress? You know it was really stressful waiting to hear back from them.

Caitlyn: Yeah, but that’s the game.

Me: Yeah.

Caitlyn: How can you make this about you and not Nina? How can you look at this first step, the writing of the proposal as something you want to do?

Me: Fuck. I don’t know. Let’s bold it. How can I look at the proposal as something I want to do?

Caitlyn: And I think you should look at your relationship with Nina for a minute. What are you afraid of?

Me: That Nina turns out to be Rebecca.

Caitlyn: What does that mean to you?

Me: Rebecca dumped me.

Caitlyn: Judgment. Actually, what happened?

Me: She went to California after I helped her move her boxes, after I was there for her when Jacob let her down or didn’t show up, whatever, and when I called her after she moved, she was oddly distanced.

Caitlyn: Maybe that’s Rebecca. You know, her personality. She oddly distances herself. You can try to give her another call.

Me: Yeah.

Caitlyn: Friendship is hard.

Me: I’m doing all the work.

Caitlyn: Then you aren’t friends.

Me: I don’t think we’re friends.

Caitlyn: Remember how on her phone, she had you listed as Work Kate. This indicates that she always saw you as someone connected with the workplace. People make friends at the workplace to help them in the workplace. Work allies. Rebecca doesn’t work with you anymore.  Nothing personal, she just doesn’t need a Work Kate in her life anymore. Is that what you think Nina is doing?

Me: Definitely.

Caitlyn: How does that feel to you.

Me: Super fake.

Caitlyn: It’s bullshit. People are not connected with a place. Like, oh when I go to the mall, I’ll go with So and So because she’s my mall buddy, but I don’t want to have shit to do with her at any other time. You know, I don’t really care about her, but she’s good for stories or supporting me at work. It’s extremely selfish. Is that what you’re picking up on?

Me: It could be.

Caitlyn: OK, let’s bold this question for later: How do you want to interact with Nina?

Me: TESOL?

Caitlyn: Think about that. We’ll talk soon. Be good to yourself.

5/10/16 8:38am

Caitlyn: First of all, how are you this morning?

Me: Horrible. Thanks for asking. Actually, the fever’s gone, but I got a little ambitious last night and decided to dance around the bedroom a few times to Usher’s Good Kisser, and, it was too soon.

Caitlyn: How was staying home from work?

Me: Gorgeous.

Caitlyn: What was the best thing about yesterday?

Me: Well, I heard back from Rhett Butler, my film school boyfriend. I wrote him on a whim during my Guided Research Skills class, and, what is there to say? It’s been about 4 years since I sent him an email, 10 years since we talked on the phone, 15 years since we’ve seen each other. And it was a cataclysmic breakup.

Caitlyn: Why did you reach out to him?

Me: I miss smart. I always thought of him as smart. I miss film school, and myself in film school.

Caitlyn: What do you mean?

Me: About?

Caitlyn: Choose one. What do you mean that you miss smart?

Me: There’s something about Portland that has always seemed rather slow to me. I remember when I first came here and I met people who were in their eighth year of undergrad and they were unashamed and unapologetic. I remember thinking during the whole of my first year of grad school, Wow, we do undergrad in 4 years where I come from. And there’s a definite lack of backing opinions up with stuff, like quotes. Or history; whereas, I think in New York, people would pull out at least a movie reference. But not here. And the suffocating need to always be positive. It’s boring! I get so much out of clashing, or, maybe that’s what’s familiar to me so I feel most comfortable with it.

Caitlyn: Okay, so why did you reach out to Rhett?

Me: I can’t remember the actual moment of origin, but I was in class and the class is so draining even though I’m not standing in front of it teaching. What I’m doing is reading their rough drafts and they are all boring. And the boring is a collection of Portland boring, none of the ideas are particularly fresh, or original or well said, and as I’m reading these things I feel my brain struggling to inject some juice into the prose and the juice is going out of my brain and, at the end of the day, I feel so drained, so I looked up Rhett on Google and Facebook, you know, the usual electronic stalking, and he was married to a woman named Lou who made quilts and I thought, Are you fucking kidding me? Quilts? And then I had to go to her Facebook page and then I realized that there was no way in hell that Rhett had become a person who married a woman whose passion was quilts. Like in Chicago and New York, you do not meet people who quilt, but here in Portland, it’s a total thing. I remember this First Thursday where I went to a gallery and there was a quilt made out of old jeans—the artist had taken jeans, split the seams, spread them, sewed them together, filled in the spaces with random pieces of non-denim material, sewed that, called it good—and now it was selling for $25,000 and I said out loud, You are fucking kidding me. I still have a postcard from that show somewhere to remind me of the meaning of absurd.  

So, I got on Amazon to look for Rhett’s book, which I’ve always felt guilty about.

Caitlyn: Guilty?

Me: Because when we were living together, he ran in once, excited, because he’d come up with this idea for looking at film in a radical way. He wanted to look at the development of film, not chronologically as it had always been done, but to look at film as occurring through the development of sound, so technological, not chronological.  It’s called Electric Sounds, by the way, which fulfills my need for a title to have two meanings, one literal and one abstract. The sounds are created by electricity, but the sounds created are also dynamic.

Caitlyn: I get it.

Me: Anyhow, I sent him this short email: Hi, I’m bored, saw your book. And then I remembered that I kind of sent him a similar thing 4 years ago and told him I was going to read the book, but I never did. So, I thought he might remember and say, Hey, I thought you were going to read that.

Caitlyn: Did he?

Me: No. But then I didn’t hear from him. And I thought, well, of course, I mean we didn’t end on the best of terms. I tried to buy a gun and go kill him. I slept with his best friend. I forced him to take the limp noodle girl he was currently holed up with out into a blizzard in the middle of the night, so I can kind of understand why he might recoil when he sees my name in the subject line, so there were no hard feelings when he didn’t write back.

Caitlyn: But then he did.

Me: Then he did.

Caitlyn: What did he say?

Me: He just spoke to the points that I had presented in my email. Oh, you’re bored and writing an email during a class, you’re a multitasker. Oh, you know about my book, well, I sold one hardback and 13 paperbacks and one eBook last year and oh, hope you’re well, which is what I had said to him. So, I took a chance and wrote back. The last time I wrote back, eight years ago, I asked him about the incoherent text. It’s a film idea and I think that each movie made today suffers from this idea of not having a strong central spine. Filmmakers just throw a lot of ideas up on the screen, but they are not connected to anything. An example would be that monstrosity, The Witch and My Name is Doris, two movies that are completely dissimilar in time period, genre, approach and acting method, but are completely the same in the trashing of women: women are hysterical, women will destroy your life, women pretend to be nice; they’re actually calculating succubi. It’s depressing.

Caitlyn: But Rhett didn’t write back.

Me: No, and I’m not sure if