Intimacy: The Essence of True Love

Ph.D

Introduction

It appears that finding true love is on the top of most people’s priority list. However, when we put how people generally relate to one another under a microscope; those in recovery, in relationships, singles—pretty much the whole, general population, we see a tragic irony unfolding; as desperate as we are for love, let alone, true love, that’s how seemingly elusive it is. Clearly, more people are emotionally isolated from one another than they are close and connected.

Whenever true love is the subject of conversation, we see expressions of cynicism and doubt. I’m sure we’d like to believe that true love goes beyond perception, that it is something real and attainable.

When we’re talking about true love, intimacy, not love, may be the more operative term. Intimacy is what we see, hear and feel. Whereas true love is often thought of an ideal that never quite measures up in reality, intimacy is the manifestation of the ideal.

Intimacy implies ‘between two peaple,’ a relationship between two people. So when we’re talking about intimacy, we’re also talking about intimate relationships; creating healthy, intimate relationships as being both, an art and a science.

How great would it be to have an inside and up-close view of how intimate relationships happen, what it takes to create them, what it takes for them to grow and deepen over time, and how to overcome an array of inevitable challenges along the way! As soon as one begins learning and applying some basic principles, true love suddenly becomes attainable and sustainable. We can assume that knowledge and experience are the difference between hunger and fulfillment.

One must also learn how to distinguish between emotionally nourishing relationships and non-emotionally nourishing relationships, and between behavior that fosters intimacy and behavior that shuts down and sabotages intimacy.

For this, you must have a vision of what you’re after that tells you when you are hitting your mark or are at least getting close. The moment you lose touch with your vision, you lose your point of reference as well as your inspiration. True love will revert to the unrealized ideal. You’ll start feeling and acting differently than when it was in the forefront of your consciousness. We might assume that in order to attain and sustain intimacy or true love, your relationship vision must be one of, if not, the most important thing in your life, your life’s purpose. Your vision, purpose and understanding about what goes into the creation of intimate relationships ultimately become parts of yourself.

What are the conditions that work against us in our pursuit of healthy, intimate relationships and true love?

The major contributing factor for such rampant difficulty is the lack of experience in intimate, emotionally nourishing relationships, and lack of role models as such. We’ve heard estimates as high as ninety five percent of our relationships are dysfunctional. Healthy relationships are obviously a rarity. Without a healthy point of reference, those seeking greater relationship fulfillment flounder, as they will most likely be relating to others who also lack the same experience and skills. Chances are that they will be oblivious to their own limitations and dysfunction, and blinded to the limitations and dysfunction staring them in the face. Intimacy will not likely be at the top of their list of priorities, but rather an afterthought, something imagined, abstract or impossible.

Exposure to television, movies or romance novels doesn’t help either. Such depictions shape our expectations, hopes and understanding about how intimate relationships happen, but obviously don’t tell the whole story. There is always more than meets the eye. We never see what really goes on or what it actually takes to create and sustain an intimate relationship. They leave us believing or wanting to believe that the day will come when we will meet the ‘one’ and everything will just happen.

Despite the need for relationship training resources, there is no school or program. The fact is that very few, if any, exist. The place where people generally go is to a therapist.

Therapy is often one’s first exposure to a healthy relationship and the first opportunity the patient has to explore what is or is not working in his/her relationships. The patient-therapist relationship may be the patient’s first taste of healthy relationship. In theory, his/her experience is supposed to act as a springboard toward the development of other healthy relationships outside of treatment.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way—for several reasons. The quality of the therapeutic relationship is not the primary determinant of change. Most critical is the patient’s level of motivation to apply what he/she learns in therapy to real-life situations. I always tell patients, Therapy is what happens when you leave my office. It is the patient’s experience in the real world, when they are on their own, assessing and deciding how they’re going to handle situations that make for actual change.

Even for the most motivated patients, however, the impact of therapy is quite limited. The context of therapy is, by its nature, artificial and non-reciprocal. The environment is controlled, and conditions are as close to ideal as possible. Instead of a womb-like environment in which to relate, the real world is a rather cold and desperate place. Alienation and pessimism are norms. In other words, don’t expect to receive the same treatment from the average person that you would from a therapist.

Intimacy, The Essence of True Love is intended to serve as necessary ‘basic training’ for the rigorous journey ahead. If not adequately trained or prepared, chances are slim that you will make it to your destination.

Chapter 1

THE CHALLENGE OF A LIFETIME

Whenever you are with someone, it’s important to be aware of what it is that you are looking for, the kind of relationship you ultimately want; what it is you are trying to accomplish and what it takes to create it. It comes down to taking responsibility for creating what you want, being committed to your purpose, being inner-directed and self-reliant.

What is it you are looking for in a relationship?

Excitement? Intrigue? Attraction? Sex? Great sex? To be in love? Live happily ever after? Someone who looks good? Has money? Power? Common interests? Someone worse off than yourself? Someone who likes you? Companionship? Someone to be with so you’re not alone? Do you want a lot of communication? Or a little?

How important is what you’re looking for to you?

Nothing can be more important. Making the creation of an emotionally nourishing relationship your top priority doesn’t mean dwelling on its importance or pushing for it to happen, but rather having it in the back of your mind.

Obviously, different people are looking for different things, but what they’re looking for and how important what they’re looking for is to them are like magnetic forces. Your motivation will attract others with like motivation, that is two people looking for and wanting the same thing.

Clarity of vision and purpose go together. Making a distinction between the kind of relationship you would like to have and the kind you wouldn’t, anchors your perception and makes acting purposefully become second nature. Given that every relationship and individual is unique in their own right, it might help to define intimacy and an intimate relationship in terms of stages and qualifying characteristics; establish identifying features for what you are looking for. An inner vision will take hold and becomes a driving force. You must also believe that your vision will eventually manifest.

What is an Intimate Relationship?

An intimate or emotionally nourishing relationship is characterized by mutual respect, trust, acceptance and deep understanding. Mutual respect, trust, acceptance and deep understanding are the basic ingredients, the substance and sustenance. They are what nourishes and endures over time and in the face of conflict, differences, fluctuations in sexual desire and fulfillment, and life stresses.

• Respect = Inherent Regard = Feeling Valued

Respect has to do with honoring each other with regard, validating each other as inherently worthy, treating each other as if the other person’s thoughts and feelings are as important and matter as much as one’s own.

Eye contact, attentiveness, and how you listen to each other are nonverbal expressions of respect. Certainly there are verbal communications that convey acknowledgement and humble reverence.

• Trust = Emotional Safety

Trust is a quality that develops between two people. Each encounter either builds trust or mistrust. In order to build trust, both people must act responsibly on a consistent basis—do what they say they’re going to do. It is when two people rely on each other to be there for each other, be supportive and responsive, and look out for each other.

Trust is also feeling safe enough to be open, honest and vulnerable with each other, and counting on each other to be open and honest. It is the sense of security of solidarity that makes it possible to have and get through conflicts and differences.

Commitment to being fully open and honest is necessary for both trust and safety. When one is not totally committed, is holding back, trust is limited.

• Acceptance = Unconditional

Basic to any intimate relationship is acceptance. It too, is non-negotiable. If there isn’t acceptance, the health of, or potential for intimacy in the relationship will be limited.

Acceptance means embracing each other’s limitations and flaws, as opposed to holding one-sided expectations. Invariably, during the course of any relationship, there will be disillusionment—something about the other will be discovered that we never anticipated and that contradicts what we had previously thought or assumed. Every now and then, do a reality check. Do I want my partner to say what s/he really thinks or feels, or to say what I’d like to hear? Do I say what is true or what I think s/he wants to hear? Perhaps what we want more than anything else is to be who we are and be accepted as such, and not have to live up to an image or ideal.

• Deep Understanding

The ability to communicate is a pre-requisite for achieving deep understanding. Getting to know each other means seeing more than meets the eye, becoming acquainted with subtleties and nuances in each other is not going to happen unless basic communication skills are in place. Both people must be self-aware in order to accurately represent themselves, to reveal themselves, to express their wants, needs and feelings to each other, to be able to listen effectively and convey understanding.

Deep understanding encompasses being able to pretty much talk about anything at anytime, no matter how personal or painful, and achieve a mutual understanding a high percentage of the time; the sense of knowing each other like no one else, and the insights and revelations that occur over time that brings about an ever deepening sense of knowing each other.

An intimate or emotionally nourishing relationship is characterized by mutual respect, trust, acceptance and deep understanding.

Rapport

Intimacy begins with rapport. Rapport occurs when two people are engaged in conversation. They are listening and responding freely and spontaneously, neither self-monitoring nor anticipating what is going to happen next, but rather existing totally in the moment. Rapport is characterized by mutual interest, honesty and understanding. It’s a natural unfolding process untainted by a wish for any specific desired outcome.

Each person maintains a relatively high level of interest and desire to engage in the pursuit of discovery. Each maintains a high level of openness, honesty and willingness to express thoughts and feelings. When rapport is the top priority, both people are relishing the realness, intensity, truth and understanding.

Neither is afraid of his/her own or the other’s strong feelings, neither is afraid of conflict, and neither is afraid to be different. All the while there is a sense that something deep is happening, that they can talk to each other, that there is a special understanding between them. Some call this chemistry. Some call this intimacy. The level of rapport achieved is a joint-effort creation.

Where there is mutual interest (in each other as well as in the process of relating) and honesty, understanding follows naturally.

Understanding occurs when one’s experience registers with the other: Then there is a bridging or sharing of experiences. A connection is achieved, one that is deep, profound, but hard to define. As the interaction continues, this connection deepens.

The content of communication becomes more personal, more emotionally charged. As this rapport continues in subsequent encounters, an intimate relationship will likely develop.

Rapport is characterized by mutual interest, honesty and understanding.

The level of rapport correlates with the potential for intimacy and may well be the most reliable factor in determining whether or not to pursue a relationship. If two people have great rapport the first time they are together, it is at least possible, if not likely, that they will continue to do so in subsequent encounters. When there is such rapport, both people will place a high value on communication and understanding and this will likely remain a constant throughout the course of the developing relationship.

Unfortunately, as important as the ability to generate rapport is, most people tend to focus on other things (on sexual attraction, how one looks, whether one is wealthy or accomplished), on attributes that don’t in any way correlate with potential for a lasting intimate relationship.

Rapport requires unconditional interest—interest to get to know each other, interest in creating rapport. Learning to maintain interest and involvement during any encounter regardless of level of attraction is a discipline. The discipline is to make your interest a mantra, treating your interest as you would your breath; focusing on your interest whether attracted or not. The idea is to maintain a minimal level of interest and to be participating fully throughout a specified time frame.

Relationships are Created

You are mistaken if you believe that intimacy is merely a matter of finding the right person. After you have found him or her, what happens next? When an intimate relationship develops, both people are actively involved every step of the way, beginning with the initial contact.

As is the case with any creative endeavor, you must be inner directed; that is, you must have a sense of where you are going and how you are going to get there. You must have a vision of what you are trying to create, as well as a realistic sense of what is required of you. Regardless of your experience in intimate relationships, your role models or lack thereof, whether you come from a functional or dysfunctional family, there are specific strategies and skills that must be learned. Anyone can learn them, and with the right partner, create a healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationship!

A creative process is one of discovering as you go, learning as you gain experience. There will be times when you will be at your best, yet still fall short. There will also be occasions when you will be sub-par and something pleasant happens. To be successful, you must be highly motivated, committed to creating quality relationships, and believe in yourself.

It is your motivation that keeps you actively involved in the creative process. It’s passion, intensity and determination. There must be something you want, something that impels you to go after it and to keep going after it in the face of discouragement and disappointment. Often times, motivation comes from being in touch with the yearning for closeness and connection with another human being.

Commitment means following up your motivation with action, making a concerted effort, gaining the necessary experience and developing the skills that make intimacy possible. It means constantly practicing—whenever the opportunity presents itself. It means paying attention to the communication process, particularly to your own tendencies: what you talk about and what you don’t talk about, when you open up and when you close down, when you are listening and when you are unable to listen, when you are being listened to and when you aren’t. Being committed means becoming more aware of your feelings and reactions and making a concerted effort to incorporate them into your conversations. If you know that you tend to be fearful and defensive, you’ll do whatever is necessary to learn to open up and trust, i.e. seek therapy.

You must also have the firm belief that you are capable of creating an intimate relationship and that as long as you keep on track, you will eventually be successful. When you find yourself frustrated with the people you meet and the kinds of experiences you have, you’ll remember that by each experience, regardless of how disappointing it might be, you are moving closer to what you are trying to accomplish.

While it is a tremendous challenge to learn and grow from what are often frustrating and seemingly unproductive encounters, it helps to remember that they are part of a much larger process of creation, one in which you participate, to make the connection that leads to an intimate relationship. Without such a perspective, you will be much more vulnerable to demoralization. Resiliency is a key factor. There will be both, demoralizing and inspiring times. If you’re committed and determined, and maintain a realistic perspective regarding the importance of any one particularly encouraging or discouraging experience, achieving intimacy will only be a matter of time. We know that intimacy builds and deepens over time, and that any one encounter, regardless of how encouraging or discouraging, doesn’t make a relationship. Rather, the quality relationship is dictated by the sum total of intimate encounters.

Vulnerability and Risk-taking

A client once asked me, Is it possible to be intimate without being vulnerable?

The rigors of learning how to communicate intimately with his wife had turned out to be more than Bill had bargained for. They required him to open up emotionally—to get in touch with his feelings, express them, and respond to his wife’s expression of her feelings, which were