In Love I Trust

IN LOVE I TRUST

A.B. Deos

PUBLISHER

ARTHUR B

Sydney, Australia

Copyright @ 2017 by A.B. Deos

All rights reserved.

Contact:author.abdeos@gmail.com

This non-fiction work is written under the pen name A.B. Deos

Category: Gay themed memoir written by a gay man

First Arthur B paperback/ebook Edition 2017

Language edition: English (U.S.)

ISBN-10:  0-6481879-1-8 (Ebook)

ISBN-13: 978-0-6481879-1-2 (Ebook)

ISBN-10:  0-6481879-0-X (Paperback)

ISBN-13: 978-0-6481879-0-5 (Paperback)

Dammit, Bones, you’re a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with the wave of a magic wand. They’re things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are...If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don’t want my pain taken away. I need my pain.

Captain James T. Kirk

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

© Paramount Pictures Corporation

Contents

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

CHAPTER 17

CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER 19

CHAPTER 20

CHAPTER 21

CHAPTER 22

CHAPTER 23

CHAPTER 24

CHAPTER 25

CHAPTER 26

CHAPTER 27

CONCLUSION

INTRODUCTION

THE PRESENT - PART i

We’re at the destination sir, said the driver. The vehicle came to a stop, across the road from the church. The next service was going to be a wedding ceremony and I was determined to have words with the groom.

I got out and stood on the sidewalk, hoping the sunlight wasn’t going to be too harsh on my sensitive skin. I was only going to be in Orlando for a short time anyway and luckily it was not as humid as I feared for I only liked wearing a suit & tie when I felt comfortable in one. I headed across the road, wishing I was invisible so as not to draw any attention to myself. I stepped into the building and as I walked along a side corridor I passed stained-glass windows where the sunlight came crashing through to mark my steps. Getting to the final door, labelled with a sign for the groom, I grabbed the door handle. There was no turning back now, no time for regrets of what I was about to do. I turned the handle, pushed the door open and walked in, without hesitation, or waiting for permission.

Closing the door shut behind me I was alone with Will in the room. I stood staring at him, confident in my reasons for being here now. Dressed in a formal black suit, and looking as handsome as the first time I met him, I was hoping Will had come to his senses, but the glaring look, and the clenched fists, conveyed a different feeling.

Do you think this is your only chance at love, going through with this? I said, speaking calmly, and with my arms at my sides in a non-threatening stance. I paused, wanting my introductory words to sink in as I continued staring at Will. For fear of showing weakness I didn’t want to look away, and Will was going to listen to me for once.

Don’t make this mistake because it will eat away at you, one day at a time, until you can’t live with it anymore. Will still hadn’t said a word and his unwelcoming expression hadn’t changed. With no response so far I continued to plead my case.

Don’t think of just this one day, today, Will. Think of every day to follow after you go through with this, ‘sham’, of a wedding. Surely you can see this to be true Will, don’t go through with it...I beg you.

I took a step back but still focused my attention on Will, hoping there were signs he acknowledged my words. It was critical that he made the right decision today but could he even comprehend what that was?

Don’t tell me how to run my life, Will said, finally vocal. He then raised a finger pointing at me, and continued.

Who are you? You’re just a fucking little faggot I knew a long time ago...and now you think you have the right to come back into my life and tell me what to do? Will’s harsh words were like the wind from a Chicago winter striking my face. He brought his arms up to place them around his forehead and started pacing around the room. Hoping he could see how much I still cared about his happiness, I continued.

Yes...it is your life...so don’t waste it, don’t accept anything less than what’s best for you, or anyone who doesn’t believe in you, and who doesn’t put you above everything else!

Will stopped pacing now, and then turned and walked towards me. He raised his hands, grabbed my arms and looked at me face to face, standing only a few inches away. Would he physically hurt me, we had never gone this far before, but those were different times and this was a new scenario.

Just go, I don’t want you here, just go, and never come back ... do you hear me Arturo, just go! Will said, raising his voice with each new word. He then pushed me away and the force knocked me to the ground. I was not injured, but I accepted the blame for his physical response.

Will stood back, looked away from me and continued pacing the room again. The advice I gave him, however truthful, would never be enough once Will made his mind up. He had demonstrated that many times, and it tended to go his way. There was nothing more I could say now, this righteous plan, it had not worked.

I walked over to the door, pulled it open and left, but kept the door intentionally wide open behind me. I took a deep breath, hoping to calm myself. My eyes had watered up as I walked through the corridor again, defeated by Will’s response. I tried, that was all I could do. When differences between us had arisen, I had always backed-down, taken the high road and given Will a free pass, regardless of who was to blame. But this day was not over yet and I would be seeing Will again, for one last time. Things would be different. I wouldn’t be backing down again, never again!

EXPERIENCES FROM MY past that shaped my reactions to the world, they all came back to me now. The built-up anger I sustained from school yard bullying. The echoes of misguided choices & denied opportunities throughout my adulthood. Drowning in my own lost potential, a chance for change was presented, and I moved to Chicago. A new job offer, a new life, and finally real independence. The stars had aligned to make it happen, and then I met Will.

These were the stories I had never dared to tell anyone about.

CHAPTER 1

MONDAY APRIL 4th, 2005

Walking back into Jackhammer, on Chicago’s north side, I sat back at the stool where I had left my leather jacket hanging. I had come here to see Will, for one more time, but things didn’t go as I had hoped. Looking for a distraction I did something I would never do, attempt to pick up a guy, and it worked.

Hearing him talk earlier I suspected he was South American. He was about my size, average body, bald head and glasses, and I thought the shiny black tracksuit-type jacket he was wearing was aligned with my own wardrobe tastes. I moved to an empty stool closer to the pool table and started talking to him, a few words at first while I sensed his interest. It seemed easy enough and he was friendly, willing to engage in conversation with me. Once the current pool game finished I told him let’s go, and that sealed the deal. I didn’t even get his name, it didn’t matter.

Following his lead, I got into a taxi with him and we ended up at Steamworks, a gay men’s bathhouse. At the reception counter he bought poppers. I knew what there were, having purchased those little bottles of my own back in Australia. The immediate, but temporary, buzz it produced added an extra thrill when I would jerk off. We walked out of the place and got into another taxi.

We ended up in front of an apartment building and I followed him in. Once inside his apartment he gestured me to stay in the living room, while he went off to another room. I took my shoes off. So far so good as I felt safe in this stranger’s apartment. Also noting I had drank alcoholic drinks tonight, enough to make me sociable, but not too much to make me dizzy.

He returned and led me to the bedroom. We took our pants off and jumped onto the bed. He took out the bottle of poppers and we took turns inhaling. He then took out a pipe, put it to my mouth and lit it. Breathing in the smoke I made sure it reached down my throat and then held it there for as long as I could. Breathing it out, I was feeling so grateful for the hit.

He motioned me to lie back on the bed and pulled down my boxer shorts, exposing my cock. Putting his mouth around it he moved his head up & down in front of me, as I looked around and questioned if the room was spinning. Light-headed from the drinks but now adding the poppers & the weed to the mix, how would this first time combination affect me?

I closed my eyes and my mind wandered, a different setting, something more pleasing, and colorful. A deserted beach, no, a pool, at a mansion, overlooking a beach on a tropical island. Just me, and then a different man, lying next to me, light blue speedos and sunglasses, a hunky muscled frame of a man, who was massaging my back with lotion. When he smiled it was the biggest of grins, and even bigger dimples.

I opened my eyes, jolted back into reality by the lack of any physical pleasure. My cock had remained limp the whole time. Maybe I was too drunk and relaxed, I told the guy, blaming myself to make him feel better, but I wasn’t embarrassed.

We got off the bed, put our clothes back on and went back to the living room, where I found my shoes. He told me I had to go now as his boyfriend would be returning soon, and I believed him. Even as he hugged me, he turned his check when I tried to kiss him on his lips. He opened the door and I left, walking down the stairs and exiting the building. I still didn’t think much of this encounter, now feeling like the other man, but it was still just a distraction.

Walking up to a main road, I was standing alone on the deserted street corner looking out for a taxi. It was raining, my clothes were getting soaked and I had tears streaking down my face. It was really over between Will and me. After twelve months of getting to know him, support him, share things with him and along the way finally experience my ‘first kiss’ with a person I loved, it was time I accepted it was over. I felt so taken for granted and used by Will, and that everything we had been through had never meant anything to him.

I looked up into the sky, wanting the rain to wipe away the last tears on my face. Acceptance had made it clear now. I had longed for Will’s company but it was denied to me now. The hope and wonder of it all, it didn’t exist anymore. Our pairing, it had enlightened me with true affection, and filled me with passion, but no more. With the moon being hidden under the clouds there was no shepherd to guide me on this night and keep me safe. The rain had stopped now but still I felt the torture from the elements, the cold air piercing my exposed face and hands, the unfamiliar sounds making me fearful of my personal safety, and the overcast skies painting a picture of gloom that never-ended into the distance. My heart was truly broken.

SUNDAY APRIL 3rd, 2005

Since that night in February, I understood, I wasn’t in denial, but to have gone through all we did, without any explanation, it didn’t seem fair. He denied I ever meant anything to him and he forgot all those times he had no one else to lean on. In the lead up to my thirty-fifth birthday I had become so anxious wanting to see Will. I tried on Thursday night to share an experience and tonight I hoped to again.

Sunday nights at Jackhammer were quiet, just a handful of male patrons sitting around the bar, the pool table, and in the back playing the video arcade games. There was only background music being played which allowed for patrons to hear each other quite easily. I got there by nine, but Will wouldn’t be performing until at least ten, so I took a seat at the bar. Wanting to keep to myself, that being my nature, I minded my own business.

I ordered a drink, bourbon & coke, and as I sat there the patron sitting next to me started making attempts at conversation. He was an older, white American gentleman who told me he was involved in production design for a local theatre group. He had definitely been drinking, perhaps a little too much already, judging by the slowness in his speech patterns and his incomplete sentences. I would look in his direction, making eye contact, and then turn to look away. I was polite but I wasn’t sending any signals of interest.

He started to lean over in my direction, turning his head to look directly at me. In foreseeing his advance, thinking he was going to kiss me, I instinctively leaned away as I did not wish to make contact. Normally I would have been flattered by such a move but his alcohol fueled courage was a distraction to my purpose in this bar tonight. Thankfully he had friends with him who quickly pulled him back into his seat. They apologized to me for his behavior, while lending physical support to take him out of the bar. Maybe they thought I was going to be angry about it but I assured them, truthfully, I wasn’t. It did however continue to feel a little flattering and I couldn’t help but look down and grin to myself about the experience.

Getting back to finishing my drink and keeping to myself another patron at the bar moved to the now empty seat next to me. He must have been younger than me, a taller, skinnier, white guy, with slight facial stubble. I didn’t say anything. He turned to look at me and managed to tell me, in almost a whisper, that I would look hot in speedos. I must have felt more open this time about the flirting, seeing he was not intoxicated like the first guy. Getting hit on twice in a matter of minutes was truly unprecedented in my own experience.

After a few minutes had passed, where only a few words had been exchanged between us, he got up, gave me his number on a piece of paper, and proceeded to leave the bar, with one of the bartenders. I guess that bartender was going to be stirring him tonight. After that second incident, I decided to move to another section of the venue and watch the guy’s playing pool. My time on the magic bar stool was over.

Eventually Will walked into the bar, with his gym bag full of work accessories, and a work mode smile flashing across his face. I resisted going up to him, or trying to get his attention. After seeing him Thursday night I wanted to be extra careful about how I acted in front of him. Will canvassed the room, greeting patrons as he walked around. It allowed him to sense the interest of patrons in his talents tonight, weeding out the spenders from the time-wasters. When he came around the pool table Will made quick eye contact with me as well as greeting the other patrons in this area. It felt awkward as he placed his hand on my shoulder but didn’t say a word to me. I didn’t say anything either, just smiled at the hint of attention.

Will went downstairs to the performer change rooms to prepare, and waited for his first set cue. On his first show, I did go up to him with some bills in hand. I didn’t want to give him money but to be close to him like that I needed to offer a gratuity. As Will looked down at me from his elevated stage he took my tribute, but offered no friendly conversation or physical touch. It was all nice and cordial, no drama, for onlookers to see.

As Will finished each set he immediately went downstairs again, rather than choosing to wander through the crowd. I was sure he was avoiding me again, like Thursday night, and so I just continued drinking, wanting an activity to keep me occupied, and relaxed.

There were other performers, drag queens, all dressed up in fancy gowns, elaborate makeup & over the top wigs. I had no interest in seeing men pretending to be women lip-synching to popular songs, but if it was your thing fine.

Eventually Will finished for the night and appeared again all dressed up in casual clothes holding his gym bag. I didn’t want to see him go without some chance of being able to talk to him in private so I walked over. Will had to go see the club owner, and asked me to mind his bag. So I did. After a minute or so, Will came back, and we walked out together, to his car across the road in the parking lot. He didn’t say anything and his expression around me was just blank, but I was glad to be around him. As he got into the driver’s seat, he said that he would be back here later, but I didn’t believe him. I stared into Will’s face, believing that this would be the last time I would see him. I felt adventurous so I asked him if I could get a birthday kiss. His expression remained the same, no