Lotus

Copyright T.L Smith 2017

Lotus by T.L Smith

All Rights Reserved

This book is a work of fiction. Any references to real events, real people, and real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the Author’s imagination and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, organizations or places is entirely coincidental.

All rights are reserved. This book is intended for the purchaser of this paperback ONLY. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the express written permission of the Author. All songs, song titles and lyrics contained in this book are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.

WARNING

This ebook contains sexually explicit scenes and adult language and may be considered offensive to some readers. This ebook is intended for adults ONLY. Please store your files wisely, where they cannot be accessed by under-aged readers.

Cover – RBA

Photographer- Wander Photography

Edited – Swish Editing

Proofread – Contagious Edits

Formatter – Angel’s Indie Formatting

Table of Contents

Disclaimer

Lotus

Other books by T.L Smith

Seventeen Years Old

Present

Seventeen Years Old

Present

Eighteen Years Old

Present

Nineteen Years Old

Present

Present

Twenty Years Old

Twenty Years Old

Present

Twenty Years Old

Present

Untouched Perfection

Prologue

chapter one

Note:

Although this book has been written in US English, it is set in Australia. It may contain euphemisms, terms and slang that form part of the everyday UK English/Australian language.

If you would like further explanation, please do not hesitate to contact the author. Contact details have been provided, for your convenience, at the end of this book.

Other books by T.L Smith

Sasha's Dilemma (Dilemma #1)

Adam’s Heaven (Dilemma #1.5)

Sasha’s Demons (Dilemma #2)

Krinos (Take Over #1)

Kalon (Take Over #2)

Kratos (Take Over #3)

Pure Punishment (Standalone)

Antagonize Me (Standalone)

Degrade (Flawed #1)

Twisted (Flawed #2)

Black (Black #1)

Red (Black #2)

White (Black #3)

Distrust (Smirnov Bratva #1)

Disbelief (Smirnov Bratva #2)

Defiance (Smirnov Bratva #3)

Lovesick (Standalone)

Savage Collision (A Savage Love Duet book 1)

Savage Reckoning (A Savage Love Duet book 2)

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To break a heart is easy.

All you have to do is reach in, wrap your blood-covered hands around it, and pull.

This happened to me.

Two hands, both red as my hair, did this exact thing.

Tore it away like it wasn’t made for me.

Maybe it was his to take?

Because years on, with those same blood-red hands, he still has it.

In his clenched fists.

And he won’t give it back.

But the real question is, do I want it back?

He is dangerous, uncontrollable, and downright sexy.

I fell for it all, but in the end, he didn’t catch me. He let me fall.

Prologue

Lotus’ eyes were red, her hands bunched into fists. Blood covered my clothes. She looked me up and down then demanded to know how the blood got there—she wanted answers. Answers I couldn’t give her, they weren’t mine to give.

Walking away, I heard a thump. The noise was loud, so deafening, it echoed around this quiet house. Walking back to her, I noticed she was on the floor. Lotus’ head was down, and there was a mass of curls covering her face. She also had her hands tucked under her stomach.

What was she doing?

Was she okay? 

I walked over to touch her, to make sure she was all right. The moment my blood-stained hand touched her, she stood, and moved away quickly from my grasp. Then Lotus stared at me, black mascara streaked like rivers down her cheeks, but she no longer shed tears.

Lotus straightened, placing her hands at her sides and both feet in line. Her mask came up, and she was going to hide from me. I knew it. She had done this before and I hated it. It destroyed me every time she did it. Like she was trying to take something from me, that wasn’t even mine to begin with.

I wanted all of Lotus, and, most of the time, I had all of her.

Was it unfair I never told her certain things? Maybe it was.

It was for her own good, though. To protect her.

Lotus’ breathing grew harder. I listened, and it became as loud as a train that rushes through the station at peak hour.

Her mass of curls flowed down over her shoulders, and I wanted to run my fingers through them, the same hands that were now covered in blood.

Looking down and turning my hands over, I realized I needed to wash them. When I left, my hands were covered, but somehow, they have become drenched in blood.  At the time, all I knew was I needed to get back to her, so I had no time to clean them—I should have made time—and now I know better.

Looking up again, I noticed Lotus’ mask was fully in position. I wouldn’t be able to break it. Now was not the time. But how could you do that to the love of your life?

She was everything.

She was my everything.

We were the best lovers.

Then we turned.

To the scorned lovers we were now.

There was no denying it, our love could light up a fire unlike any others. But, our love could also scorch everything it touched. The highs were high, so unimaginably fucking high, like jumping from a plane—the adrenaline, the rush—it would sear through my veins.

Then the lows—mean, evil, hate. We didn’t hit a low like some did when they had problems. No, we scorned each other in every possible way to make the other feel as wretched as they could. The whole thing turned into some sort of twisted game.

Who could love the hardest?

Then, who could make you fall the hardest?

Sometimes I thought it was me—that was until today—now I believed it may have been her who fell the hardest.

Maybe she was better at hiding it than me. Because of the look in her eyes. How her green eyes turned a shade darker, her lips lost their color, and her hands fell loosely by her sides.

She listened—I thought she understood.

Maybe she didn’t?

She must have, though, because she walked out taking all the highs and lows with her.

And my fucking soul as well.

That was the problem with loving someone so hard, so fast, so uncontrollably. It was bound to fuck with you. Screw you over, and tear your soul to shreds.

Lotus Vein was my high, but she was also my low.

Plus, she was everything in-between.

Chapter 1

Orion

My breath hitches as my head comes up out of the water. I take a deep breath and drop back under. Dropping further and further until I can go no deeper. Looking up, the water is murky at best. Lily pads clog my view of the night sky, so I close my eyes. I want to keep them shut because I need to see what I always see when I’m here, in this spot. The strain becomes too much, almost to the point of my lungs tightening and darkness is now my only view.

Her. It’s her I want to see. Nothing else.

If I could see her every day I would die right now a happy man, but that can’t happen. Not seeing her in forever has done that to me. The only memory I have of her is from years ago, the memory as I watched her walk out the door. It wasn’t as easy as that. It was something I would have chosen not to do if I had a choice, but I had to do it to protect her. And now, I’m not even sure what I’m doing.

My hands start moving, but as my vision begins to blur, I see her. Her hair. The way it hangs over her shoulders, red, as bright as the blood that stains my hands every day, to her creamy skin that my lips touched on a daily basis.

She wouldn’t approve, that isn’t who Lotus is. Yes, her name, funny, isn’t it?

The house I own, the one I can never bring myself to leave, has a large pond—or as some call it, a dam—and it’s full of lotus flowers and lily pads. Each night, when everything is at its worst, my tired feet drag me to this very spot, and I let it consume me. Because no matter who I lose, who I hurt, when I come here I see an angel amongst the putrid, a lotus above the murky water. And I can’t seem to let her go.

Her eyes come into view, that’s when I know it’s time to move. So I don’t let the water that feeds the lotus, consume me. My hands push up, my hair touches the surface followed by my mouth, which takes a large breath to fill my lungs with lifesaving air.

The moon shines its bright beams of silvery blue down on me now that I can see clearer. I wonder where Lotus is and what she’s doing at this very moment. Finding her wasn’t an option, she moved out of our small town, and left to accomplish bigger and better things with her life. It’s what was planned for her all along—bigger and better.

Not me. I was a mistake she made along the way.

The women I fuck and touch now are nothing like her, and they could never be. They don’t challenge me, fight me, love me the same way she did. Lotus Vein fucked with my heart so badly not a single soul can replace it.

Maybe that is what’s made me so cold.

So disconnected from the world.

Maybe she was the last irredeemable tower in my life that had to fall, to make me who I am today. Even if I could rebuild every wall to have her never leave again, I know it wouldn’t be the wisest decision for Lotus or me.

Breathing again, I see? His voice comes from behind me, and I turn to see him through the darkness. His hands are in his pockets, and his head is shaking at me. I still haven’t moved, the water wants to pull me down to its murky depths again. But what makes that even worse is I want to go back down just so I can see her again.

Now I have eyes on me, I know I can’t. Lotus doesn’t come to me when other people are around, she only visits when I’m alone, lost in my mind.

Cole drops to his knees and touches one of the Lotus flowers, then picks it from the water. She will be there tomorrow night. Do you want to go instead of me? Sebastian did ask specifically for you to attend.

How do you know? I don’t intend to sound hostile, but it comes out that way. He pulls the lotus flower closer to his eyes and studies it carefully.

Sebastian may have mentioned it. Cole stands with the lotus flower still in his hand, then drops it back to the water. It sinks past the lily pads. The pink that colored it, and made the flower so vibrant, is now covered and hard to see as it sinks further down. I watch as it drops until I can no longer see it. Be prepared though, she’s moved on. Cole doesn’t wait for me to ask any questions, he simply turns, walking away and getting lost in the long grass as it licks at his ankles.

Moved on.

My head goes back under, the water my friend once again. The moon shines brightly through the murky liquid, the pink from the lotus that Cole dropped the only color I see as I sink along with it.

Years have passed.

I haven’t had my fill.

Still can’t seem to find my breath.

Lotus is like a breath you take on a cold night, one you know you don’t want to breathe in because the frost will bite you. Yet you can’t resist it.

I need her like that frosty air.

Even after all these years, all the deaths, all this destruction.

It’s always been her.

Always.

Chapter 2

Lotus

I watched him from afar, the way his hands slid into his pockets, to the way his lips formed a perfectly straight line as he listened. Orion was always the same, so devastatingly beautiful. It hurt to see him, to know he was living while I was barely surviving. Even years onward, it hurt like it had only just happened, as if he’d walked up to me, stuck his hand inside my chest and ripped my heart out, dropping it to the floor without a care in the world.

Orion hadn’t seen me yet, and I was thankful for small mercies. I didn’t know what I’d do if he saw me right now. Would I look the other way? Would I be lost in those eyes as I have been so many times before?

I look away for a brief moment to my brother whose function this is, and wonder if he knew. Did my brother know Orion would be here? I don’t think he did, but who knows. I would like to think he wouldn’t have invited me to here if he did.

He wouldn’t have, would he? 

Sebastian stands, smiling at the group of people surrounding him. He’s always been a smiley, happy person, that’s just who my brother is. He looks at the world with such awe, it’s sometimes too much to be around him. It hurt to know that I couldn’t look at everything the way he did. Even when it came to love, even when my heart was in tatters all over the ground, he didn’t look at it the way I did—like my life was over. Sebastian would have picked my heart up and placed it back into my chest where it belonged like nothing had ever happened, if he had half a chance.

My eyes turn straight back to Orion. His posture unmoved. Did I expect it to? No. I expected him to stay exactly the same, never moving, unless it’s away from me.

Shaking my head, I look down to my hands. They sit in my lap with a ring on my left hand, one that’s squeezing my finger so tight as I look at the massive diamond.

How does Orion affect me so?

How can he still hold my heart, because he doesn’t deserve it? I want it back. I want to give it to Roan, he’s the one who deserves it. I think about where exactly I would be if it didn’t happen, if he didn’t reach into my chest and tear my heart out. Would we have kids? Would we be insatiable? Yes, I believe that more than anything. Orion and I could never keep our hands to ourselves. We were like glue, until we weren’t.

Baby, Roan’s hand lands on my shoulder and my eyes lift to his as he stands handsomely in front of me. Looking him over, I know why the women at his office don’t like me. He’s a successful lawyer, and he was a staunch bachelor, a playboy, until me.

I want to tell you it was my master plan to suck him into my clutches and never let him escape. That my heart only beats for the man whose ring is lustrously shining on my finger, but that would be a lie. A complete and utter fabrication.

Roan’s strong hand reaches for my hand, the one with his diamond on it, and he pulls me to him. His beautiful hair, long enough for me to run my fingers through, is sitting on his shoulders. It’s always beautifully styled. I used to think he spent hours blow-drying it, to obtain that perfect look. As it turns out, he’s just fortunate and does very little to maintain that gorgeous appearance.

My right hand touches his chest as he pulls me closer. I can feel every inch of him and it’s hard, just the way I like it, or used to, I’m not sure which. Roan’s hazel eyes sparkle when he stares down at me.

Lies, Lies. It’s all I can hear when he whispers in my ear that he loves me, and when I repeat it back. More lies.

I’m not immune to Roan. If I’d met him first, things may have been different. I wouldn’t be standing here in the arms of a man that loves me, trying my hardest to not look at the man that I do love. Roan’s hands run down the center of my back comforting me. He knows I don’t like these gatherings—social functions—it’s not what I want to do. But Roan and my brother Sebastian work together, and because it’s their work function, I need to support both of the men in my life the best I can.

Not much longer, love. Roan’s words are soft as he whispers them into my hair. He knows me, but only parts of me. Why can’t I love Roan the way he loves me? It makes me want to tear into my chest and squish with both hands. It’s not fair.

I’m fine. The lie drips from my tongue, and he pulls back to look into my eyes.

You hate it. That’s why you haven’t moved. Someone calls his name. Roan looks over his shoulder and nods his head. Leaning in, he kisses me softly on my forehead before tells me he’ll be back. I watch as he walks off.

I wonder if