Release Candidate

Release Candidate

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Contents

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Also by

Copyright

To my family and friends

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1

‘I wish I could tell you something with a smile.’ sighed Dr Chandran. Her posture dropped as she tapped at her keyboard. ‘We might as well have given you a placebo.’

‘If there’s another poison in the cupboard, pull it out.’ shrugged Tomás. He trembled imperceptibly.

‘There’s nothing on the screen you haven’t tried... I’m looking at any palliative items I could possibly give.’

Tomás froze in his seat, eyes bulging.

‘This is to get some emotional help.’ she handed him a referral form. ‘You’ll be lying to yourself if you think you don’t need it. Weeks and days can no longer be taken for granted.’

‘Come on now, Dr! There must be some sort of experimental thing left out there to try? Elsewhere in the world maybe?’

She shook her head slowly. ‘Tomás, in all my years as a GP I’ve never got used to giving bad news. I’m never slow when I see a speck of hope.’

Tomás looked at her mouth, seemingly hoping she would add to the sentence. After a few moments of silence he got up and slowly walked to the door.

‘Well, no point in keeping you.’ he turned to her.

‘Take it easy, Tomás. Occasionally patients sometimes surprise their doctors.’ her eyes followed him out.

He handed his form to the receptionist and nodded at the appointment offered. Upon pocketing his card his wife got up from a waiting room seat and accompanied him outside. She wrung her hands.

‘You’re faking sadness, aren’t you?’ asked Marilyn cautiously.

Tomás closed his eyes, squeezed out a tear and shook his head.

Once inside the car Marilyn looked out of the window for the longest time.

‘The time frame she gave me could be all bullshit.’ he said.

Tears broke as she turned to him. ‘You’ve been fighting so hard for so long.’

‘Goes to show that even though an opponent can sometimes stay still in the boxing ring, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can knock them out.’

Marilyn cried quietly and thumbed the ignition. They remained silent throughout the journey.

‘Well,’ she sighed when they reached their house, ‘we can’t just sit in the car.’

Tomás momentarily closed his eyes. ‘Shame bad news doesn’t get sweeter the longer you leave it.’ he nodded towards their door and got out.

Tomás tapped a finger on the door’s scanner and trailed behind Marilyn down the corridor.

‘Dad, Mum...’ said Tomás to the quiet pair on the sofa. His subsequent words rolled off his tongue like a grenade.

Marilyn ran to his mother’s arms; his father scrunched up his face. Tomás remained where he was, looking the odd one out.

Come bedtime Tomás winced at his parents’ exaggerated goodnight messages. Upon sinking into his pillow he turned on his side towards the window to look at bare trees against a navy sky. When he blinked a flurry of eye floaters swam around what lighting there was.

Marilyn beside looked over at him. Once she saw his eyelashes clamped together and his chest continued to rise and fall she waved her lamp off.

Tomás woke the next morning with his thumb and forefinger pressed against his forehead. This had come to be the way he greeted new days. After getting up and slowly brushing his teeth and shaving he went down to the kitchen. Marilyn had laid eggs, toast and tea on the table.

‘Didn’t have a disturbed sleep, did you?’ she asked.

‘It’s waking up that’s the problem.’

‘You do know you don’t have to finish off those funny-looking pills now?’

He laughed as he popped out a capsule from its foil. ‘My hand can’t forget about tossing stuff into me.’

Marilyn put potato waffles in front of him then sat across the table. ‘I’m guessing you’re not going to lay back and take it easy today?’

Tomás’s mother Estela barged in. Her eyes were bagged.

‘Friends need stuff to remember me by, right? No need for them to wait, then.’

Marilyn’s eyebrows rose.

‘No point waiting ‘til my last breath is there? After that I only want you lot around me, when I... Close my eyes for good.’

Estela squeezed the rim of the silver sink with both hands and closed her eyes.

Early that afternoon several of Tomás’s friends arrived in his room. Their expressions wouldn’t have looked out of place if a mugshot height chart were behind them.

‘I don’t wanna see any of these boxes left in here, okay? If any of you guys are going to ask me if I’m sure, the answer beforehand is please, please, quit the soppy crap.’

Collector’s discs by the band Silver Monochrome were brimming out of one box. Another contained his e-reader and yellowed dog-eared paperbacks. The only things not in a container but also gestured for removal were a shiny white computer and a glossy red bass guitar and amplifier.

Tomás prodded his friends to the corners of the room as if they were children confused about what to do on Christmas Day. When they left with moist eyes he spent the rest of the day silent.

In the evening Tomás and Marilyn went to the café where their relationship began. A female friend of Marilyn’s accompanied them by telephone request, to buffer any extreme emotions they may have from revisiting the place.

‘My maths must be fucked. Has it really been eight whole ones?’ asked Tomás.

‘No longer the kids in the place, are we?’ replied Marilyn.

‘Cupid must’ve looked well out of place at the Halloween party we were at,’ he explained to the friend, ‘held by a guy whose only real major achievement in life was to go to college with me and school with her. Anyway, there I was in my green make-up and all of a sudden I feel someone fiddling with the fake bolts on my neck! I turned meaning to yell but my eyes just froze at this pale, fanged beauty. Alright, she was extremely caked up but I could see through it and she didn’t seem put off by the man behind the monster either. Basically, then, a magnet found its metal.’ he smiled.

‘Luckily there was no real fright of each other here the next day either.’ added Marilyn.

‘Yeah, if you can sit with someone and willingly let them make your pricey coffee go cold, that’s the proof!’ said Tomás. ‘In all this time we’ve hardly ever raised our voices to one another; never for anything serious.’

The friend studied them with a half-frown-half-smile. Tomás looked down and scratched his nose. None of them let their tea turn cold.

Next morning Tomás woke with a moist red face. Marilyn put a hand against his forehead.

‘Marilyn, it’s just something going round. You could get this too, you know.’

‘So you’re a medical expert now, are you?’

‘Look, a couple of tablets and a glass of water is all I need.’

‘I’m getting on the phone, booking you another day.’ she jerked two tablets from a foil in his drawer.

‘You want me to go when I might be on my last legs?’

A few hours later they reached the counselling department. The waiting room walls were homely beige, the floor reflective white. A handful of revolutions completed on the analogue clock before a door opened.

‘T. Gabino?’ called out a man.

Tomás and Marilyn stepped forward.

‘Gordon.’ he shook Tomás’s hand. ‘Grab a chair.’

Gordon sat behind his desk and waved over a hologram file on his tablet computer. ‘You’re one of a lot more than usual today, so apols if I speak too fast. Okay. I bet you’re thinking: this guy makes a living from spouting trash, correct? I’m not going to tell you to take it easy or eat your greens etcetera, etcetera. Though you couldn’t have walked into the building as if you were entering an airport lounge, I’m not here to be an obstacle for you. Tell me now, it hasn’t been a sweet bowl of cherries since you last set foot in Dr Chandran’s, has it?’ he smiled.

Tomás brushed non-existent fluff off his thigh.

‘Does that question even need answering?’ he replied. ‘No one promised me I could make it to old age. But becoming aware that your body is almost ready to go under the soil... The heart fights it. You try to make sure your hours don’t go to waste and that puts a blindfold on what’s coming. There’s times when I can’t stop quivering, though, no matter how much I shake off images of my brain exploding.’

‘It can’t be comfortable for you either, Mrs Gabino, am I right?’

‘That’s not worth asking either.’ she replied. ‘Never in my wildest dreams did I believe a doctor would stop saying we can try something else.

‘Not bowing down before death is good, Tomás. If you cave in you’re a walking corpse. No doctor can look at you and say oh, four months, twelve days and seven hours left. Never let that slip your mind. Slip into despondency and your loved ones will only echo you.’

Tomás focussed on the exaggerated puppet-like gestures of Gordon’s hands.

‘Sometimes what you read in a textbook isn’t easy to follow to the letter in the real world.’ said Tomás.

‘I didn’t say it’s not a mountain climb. That said, you’re not using your hands to push a pair of wheels or have a tube in your throat. Maybe tomorrow or the next day you will, or worse. So you need to juice the days where you are as you are. You’re the director of your picture so only you can make the final scene a good one.’

Tomás tried hard not to yawn for the remainder of the talk.

That night back at home Tomás had a large seizure while raising himself from the sofa. Marilyn heard a loud thud and rushed from upstairs.

When Tomás regained consciousness he cupped his knee caps and looked up at her.

‘...Damn floor turned into an ice rink.’

Marilyn’s face flushed in the effort to lift him. He looked at her as a baby does to a mother and sighed.

‘First my dick no longer gets hard and now you’re just my nurse.’

Marilyn pretended not to hear.

Estela ran in ranting and hollering at various high pitches. He covered his ears.

Tomás remained in bed late the following morning. He looked at Marilyn playing with her phone beside him then at the ultra-white rectangle on the wall where his hi-fi used to be.

His father, Alberto, came up. ‘Not looking too much like a ghost now. Good.’

‘The itching and rashes from those tablets aren’t bugging me any more as well. Just need to flush all the crap out before the zombie face goes.’

‘Well... If there is someone in the skies...’ he turned away and soon left.

By lunchtime Tomás had the energy to get up, though he nearly lost his balance.

‘Marilyn, hey.’ he called.

‘You alright?’ she replied from the bathroom.

‘Canines... How are you for giving one a home?’

‘I’m not sure I heard you right.’ she appeared towelling her hair.

‘You know, furry thing, woof woof; like you said you had back in your parents’ house?’

‘They’re brilliant animals!’ she laughed. ‘But doesn’t your mum scream when she sees them?’

‘Well, we’ll pick up one that’s as far away from a wolf as you can get. Sometimes you can force love for one. This’ll be easier to sell if only I take responsibility for the idea.’

Marilyn looked at the bedroom door then back at Tomás. ‘If she gets in a huff then we swap it for a goldfish or something, okay?’

Tomás smiled and nodded.

An hour later they were at the local pet shop.

‘This one is too gorgeous!’ said Marilyn patting a brown puppy.

‘I think coming here wasn’t a smart idea. I’d be seeing less red pimping you to a new man!’

‘Look, his smile isn’t in my direction.’

‘It could be a she.’

Tomás saw himself reflected in the dog’s big wet eyes. He put his finger in the cage which the dog sniffed. Tomás then stuck out his other fingers and felt satiny cheek fur rub against them. Marilyn noted the carbon copy of the dog’s smile on Tomás.

‘Is it worth looking at the other mutts?’ he asked.

‘Love at first sight, is it?’

‘Can’t part me from a good bitch!’

Marilyn parted one of the pup’s hind legs.

‘...Well, my best mates can’t really be women, can they?’

‘Certainly no eyesore, is that dog.’ said the shop owner to their backs.

‘I know squat about them, unlike her.’

‘Some other breed would be a right headache for you, then.’ replied the shop owner. ‘If not baring its teeth, an ability to do more than fetch a stick and the life of a cat is on your check list, look no further.’

‘Tell me,’ Tomás whispered to Marilyn, ‘could you leave those puppy eyes here?’

‘He’s a handsome devil... Not sure if it’s worth an earful, though.’

‘You think you’re gonna see my mum jump up and down and smile? We leave the dog here and I doubt we can take him home next time.’

‘And your mum thinks you’re an angel.’

‘We won’t expect her to lift a finger for him.’

‘What made you decide to want a dog?’

‘A luckier woman has a son or daughter as a souvenir.’

Marilyn hugged him tight then stroked the pup’s head.

‘Let’s not keep him caged any longer.’ he added.

Within an hour they were back home.

‘What this you bring?’ screeched Estela

‘Come on, Mum, this ain’t the kind of dog that’ll chew you to pieces. Marilyn knows the drill with them and we won’t ask you to even pick up a hair.’ he feigned loss of balance.

‘Okay, you win, stop game!’ she directed a wide eye at Marilyn. ‘No want to see in same place as me. If show teeth is gone!’

Tomás laughed.

Later that evening Tomás played with whom they named Gus while Marilyn went out for a pre-planned meal with friends.

Her Gus-induced smile at the table was inversed on the faces of her three friends. Word had got around about her husband.

‘If you, like, have to go, we understand.’ said friend one.

‘I’ll just not be downing any pints after.’ replied Marilyn.

‘No upsets today, no?’ the friend replied.

‘Can a dog be classed as that?’ smiled Marilyn.

‘A mixed breed?’ asked friend two.

‘I keep you in my prayers, Marilyn.’ said friend three. ‘You know, a relative of mine was fighting something far from small too and we were really convinced they would make it back home... Then the next thing you know you’re confused, drying your eyes and following a black hearse.’

Marilyn gave a millimetre nod and breathed deeply when a waiter approached their table with menus.

Once the bright food and drink arrived the girls’ ensuing conversation managed to break in some high-pitched laughter.

After going their separate ways Marilyn’s happy mask fell off as she walked to the bus stop.

Back at home Alberto peered in through Tomás’s slightly wedged open door to see his son and Gus dozing on a leather chair. Their inhalation and exhalation was in sync.

Marilyn had returned and entered the kitchen. Estela sat in pyjamas with tea at the table. Her tongue was almost popping out of her cheek. Marilyn then walked into where Tomás was. He opened his eyes.

‘Not sick from that greasy food, no?’ he asked blearily.

‘The time felt like it flew. You haven’t had any problems, have you?’

‘Nothing new since you left. I don’t think I’ve heard Gus bark yet. We were watching a bit of TV and then just nodded off. It’s relaxing having a dog on your lap.’

Marilyn smiled.

‘Only thing is if he stays a second longer on my thighs they’re gonna turn into pancakes!’

She eased Gus off to the floor then pulled Tomás by his arms and guided him to bed.

About half an hour after both settled in Tomás started blowing his nose followed by prolonged dabbing. Marilyn turned and saw in the dark, spots of inky liquid above his top lip. She flicked on her lamp.

‘Babe, I’m not gushing, okay?’

Marilyn sat up and pushed his chin towards the ceiling. ‘That’s no little stream... Don’t tell me your shirt naturally has red blobs on it now! Is it still flowing?’ she pulled the limp and stained tissue from him.

‘You wanna shove a telescope up my nose to check?’

Marilyn returned from the bathroom with a wad of fresh tissue. Tomás laid his head back and pressed his hands either side of him deep into the mattress. Marilyn wiped his nose then paused to look at him and sunk a tooth into her lip. She then helped him change into a new top and handed a glass of water.

‘Schtum about this with Mum, yeah? Last thing I need is my eardrums blown by her voice.’

‘Tomás, I could keep a vow of silence for the rest of my life, but that’s still not going to save you, is it?’ her eyes moistened and she covered her mouth. ‘My eyes can’t watch you rot.’

Tomás turned towards the window. A clear drop fell from his eye which he rubbed off with a thumb.

‘Look, Marilyn, my brain’s been whirring, and, maybe this isn’t the right time, if there is one, but just hear me out.’

He turned back. Her eyes seemed lost on the carpet.

‘We’ve been through a lot of shit,’ he continued, ‘can’t be ripped from each other.’

She dislodged from her stare.

‘And, so what I’m about to spill out, you’re not gonna rant against, okay?’ he closed his eyes and briefly stuck his tongue out to moisten his lips. ‘...I want you not, you know, to live as a widow.’

Marilyn squinted.

Tomás quickly continued. ‘Ah, ah, ah! I’m not saying bring a man to my funeral. Just don’t let Gus ever be the only guy around you. I’d hate to think you’ll become some wrinkly old woman worshipping a tombstone. Don’t let that womb dry up before it’s served its function.’

‘Like I’m aching to have a swollen belly, right?’

‘Whatever. Don’t think I don’t know you, you’re the type of girl that could bawl over me for eternity. You don’t so much as bat an eyelid at any other guys at all, not even for a laugh or to bump up your friend list. Me? One of your friends would be in these sheets at the click of my fingers.’ he chuckled.

‘That’s just garbage coming from your mouth now!’

‘A dead man can’t preach forever and I haven’t the energy. But this will replay in your head.’

She opened her mouth then shut it. After glancing up his nostrils she clapped off the lamp.

Marilyn stared at the ceiling the whole night. Tomás had curled up with his eyes shut tight.

At breakfast time barely a few words passed between them.

‘Where’s that smile gone?’ asked Alberto. He looked at Marilyn.

‘A bad night dragged it out of me.’

Alberto watched Tomás spoon out his cereal bowl without looking up from it.

In the surgery at a quiet hour Dr Chandran shuffled together green sheets that her printer ejected and keyed in new patient results on the computer. Finally she stripped open a special delivery envelope. After her eyes moved up and down the letter for a number of minutes she gently lifted her handset.

‘Jane. Dr Chandran. Put me through to Prof Barber or one of his registrars urgently, if you could be so kind.’

‘I’ll be back in a sec.’

After a few minutes came the sound of plastic being grabbed.

‘Barber’s caught up, Dr Klimek here.’

‘Dr Klimek, an alarming letter arrived at my desk concerning a patient of mine that attends your clinic. Tomás Gabino, a man not in a condition to be played jokes with. The paper is headed with your hospital’s branding, but is the reference number...’

‘I’m definitely, definitely, not unfamiliar with who you’re talking about.’ he interrupted. ‘And we don’t employ pranksters to have free run with our paper or templates.’

‘Buh... But this letter sounds like something off of the cinema?’

‘The only clowns we sometimes contract, Dr Chandran,’ he disarmed with a friendly tone, ‘run in the children’s ward. It’s not in Prof Barber to run some elaborate placebo either. All of us have poured enough blood, sweat and tears into what you’ve read to fill several labs many times over. We’re not saying we’ve got a polished product here but, as written, we can’t take it further without a battery and Mr Gabino has no other dice to roll. Now, don’t ignore any courier ringing tomorrow, and if you could then get Tomás into your surgery without much haste to kick-start things, his patient record mightn’t have to be lined up for deletion.’

‘I can’t base a discussion on a lett...’ the dial tone sounded ‘...er.’

She picked up the paper again and shook her head at it.

Still at home, Tomás went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. He repeatedly open and closed a fist with his nails digging deep into the palm. Suddenly his knees bent like straws and his face pressed against the outer bottom of the sink.

The thud led Estela to shoot upstairs from the kitchen. The muffled radio static sound of running water led her to knock on the door.

‘Tomás!’

She said it again before pushing the door.

Then she screamed it.

Two pairs of feet bolted up to her. Marilyn then knelt beside Tomás. She put her hands on his shoulders and tried to slow down her breathing.

After a minute he started blinking.

‘999!’ said Alberto.

‘Wha’... So they can pump me... With unnecessary drugs... On an unnecessary bed?’ his head fell to one side.

‘He disappearing before my eye! Each tick of clock!’

Marilyn gently squeezed his arm. Tomás’s eyes barely met hers.

After Tomás managed to lift himself up they helped him down to the kitchen. He smacked his lips as Estela opened some cupboards. Gus settled by his side under the table and made him smile weakly.

The dog’s eyes shone like marbles as it looked back and forth between Tomás and Marilyn. Estela had one eye on Tomás too as she navigated the cupboards. Alberto, who seemed to be fighting back tears, shook his head and left the kitchen.

After leaving his plates crumb-free Tomás went out to the corridor and grabbed his coat.

‘You no stay inside, rest?’ she followed him.

‘I’m choking in here.’

‘Marilyn, I no want him go alone.’

Marilyn appeared.

‘Look, I’m not wandering off far. I have my mobile. No need to put Gus’s leash on me.’

Estela looked at him and sighed. ‘Text.’

‘I can manage that.’

It was a two minute walk to the small local park. Tomás sat on a bench and superimposed the swing, slide and climbing frame he remembered from his childhood on a patch of blank tarmac partitioned right of the grass. His younger feet didn’t dance much around the place and his bigger soles only frequented it in the last year for fresh air. The items he superimposed had been removed a decade ago. There never used to be any tarmac. He smiled at the popped mirage.

A few minutes later came the sound of skittish paws pattering on the pavement behind.

‘Your mum doesn’t take no for an answer.’ Marilyn sat