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    Healing: The Essential Guide to Helping Others Overcome Grief & Loss
    Healing: The Essential Guide to Helping Others Overcome Grief & Loss
    Healing: The Essential Guide to Helping Others Overcome Grief & Loss
    Ebook124 pages1 hour

    Healing: The Essential Guide to Helping Others Overcome Grief & Loss

    By Alicia King

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    About this ebook

    “When I ask people who are grieving what comforts them, nearly every single person gives the same answer. ‘Someone to listen.’ They don’t want someone to ‘fix’ it. They’re not asking for answers, spiritual wisdom, or uplifting cliches. Nope, they just need you to be there.”

    In Healing: The Essential Guide to Helping Others Overcome Grief and Loss, Alicia King combines her own wisdom and that of others who have “been there” to offer good advice for those who feel helpless when it comes to helping the bereaved. Included here are

    • the best ways to get involved on behalf of the grief-stricken

    • how to care for young children in grief

    • interviews with and advice from those who have suffered a loss

    • 20 ways to pay tribute to the beloved • 10 things never to say
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherTurner Publishing Company
    Release dateApr 28, 2011
    ISBN9781596529397
    Healing: The Essential Guide to Helping Others Overcome Grief & Loss
    Author

    Alicia King

    Thank you for picking up this book, please enjoy it, or at least try to… You want to hear about Alicia? So meet her. Alicia has completed one year of English at university, and she is fully planning on finishing her degree. Alicia kind of fell from three-storey building, so she is in a clinic getting better, slowly but surely. Currently she can’t walk, talk, eat or drink and she can’t move her left arm. So that has given her plenty of time for writing, hence how this book has come about…

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      Book preview

      Healing - Alicia King

      A

      1

      Listen. Then Listen Some More

      When I ask people who are grieving what comforts them, nearly every single person gives the same answer. Someone to listen.

      The same three words, over and over and over again. Someone to listen. The simplicity of this is important. They don’t want someone to fix it. They’re not asking for answers, spiritual wisdom, or uplifting cliches. Nope, they just need you to be there.

      Don’t doubt your ability to help the person who is grieving. What is needed most is something we all can do—show up. You don’t need any special skills or education to be present.

      Even professional bereavement counselors acknowledge this. The New York State Mental Health Office writes, We are not the experts on anyone’s grief. As bereavement workers we must meet the grieving without expectations about what should happen or what they should be feeling. There are no experts in this work.

      Jan Davies is a Certified Whole Health Educator, with more than twenty years’ experience as a hospice volunteer. She explains the importance of what she calls deep listening:

      The greatest gift we can give to another is our complete attention, which requires few words. Not just our mental attention but our intuitive attention as well, noticing body language, facial expressions, tears, sighs, and silence just as if they too are words. Oftentimes when people ask us what to do next, they’re not really asking for our advice, but rather to be a witness to their own processes. Let go of the desire to fix the other person, or the need to make them feel better. Let go of the need to provide snazzy advice. All that inner attention robs the griever of your full attention. Deep listening replaces the fear of don’t know what to say syndrome. We can just listen until something comes to us from our inner source of wisdom. Just be present. Be a witness. Be the calm in the storm. Be willing to laugh when they need to laugh. Be willing to allow tears when they need to cry. Open your heart to the experience in spite of the possible pain. By supporting the bereaved in these ways, we create sacred space for them to heal in their own way and in their own time.

      A widow I met told me, The loss of a loved one needs to be acknowledged and the grieving person given the opportunity to speak about the loss, if they want to. I found talking about my loss after my late husband died, was extremely helpful. The attitude that someone should get over it and not cry and be strong with a stiff upper lip is also not helpful. It is much more helpful to give the person time to cry and make them feel safe and secure in sharing their grief and pain.

      Don’t underestimate the value of sitting with someone. It provides a comfort that most people deeply need after a death. At a time when loneliness can be painfully intense, your visit may be the only possible source of peace.

      Sarah Gutin Beaty remembers, When I was in high school, my boyfriend was killed in a car-train accident. I think the best thing for me was when people would shut up and just be there. I wanted them to recognize that I was grieving but not tell me it was going to be okay.

      JoAnne Funch writes in her book, How to Support Anyone Grieving a Loss, You don’t have to understand someone’s loss, just continue to be supportive. This means keeping in contact with them for weeks and months after loss. You don’t have to fix the person grieving—just be there to listen and they will give you the signs or directly communicate what they need, and if they don’t, just listen in a non-judgmental way.

      That’s important advice. Too often, we overwhelm those who are grieving. Try to hold back and take your cues from them before expressing too much emotion.

      John and Cynthia Colagross were married for forty-seven years before John died of cancer. Cynthia

      advises, Do not be over-solicitous of the survivors. Some people said things like, ‘Oh, oh, oh, I am so, so sorry!’ with an attitude of complete emotional devastation. A hug is enough for me. Maybe, ‘Sorry for your loss.’ Just let the person who has lost their loved one talk about it, and if they cry? Let them! If you are close to them, hug them. No need for words. You can cry too. It’s all right to talk about the person who has passed away. They may have died, but they were a big part of your life, my life. Memories are wonderful.

      Susan Petrina sums it up with a biblical example. The first thing I want to say is learn a lesson from the early chapters of the book of Job. When Job loses everything, some of his friends come and sit with him in his grief. What a comfort the presence of someone who cares for us in our times of difficulty can be. Physical presence or sending cards or notes with simple offerings such as we’re sorry, we’re thinking of you, we’re praying for you, is there anything we can do; these words can be a salve to the wound. Then his friends begin to speak . . . hmmmm, all of a sudden their presence isn’t quite as comforting. The big lesson for us: being there for someone grieving is very good; trying to offer advice, or fill the space with words may not be helpful at all and may even be hurtful. Just let the person know you care and are thinking of them. Be available. Listen.

      The Bottom Line: Go to them and listen. It’s the simplest, yet most important thing you can do.

      Resources

      The Good Listener, by James E. Sullivan

      Listening: The Forgotten Skill: A Self-Teaching Guide, by Madelyn Burley-Allen

      Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. Pooh he whispered.

      Yes, Piglet?

      Nothing, said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. I just wanted to be sure of you.

      ~A. A. Milne

      Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.

      ~William Shakespeare

      A

      2

      Give Them a Choice

      I have interviewed hundreds of people while writing this book, and most of them experienced difficulty making the simplest of decisions immediately following a death. It’s ironic, right? Just when we need help more than ever, we are virtually incapable of knowing where to start when someone offers.

      Time after time, people will tell the family in mourning, Whatever you need, we’re here for you. Just call us. This is sweet, but vague. When you can barely cope with getting out of bed, you may find managing your home, funeral arrangements and out-of-towners to be overwhelming. This is why so many people tell me they were grateful for concrete favors. When a neighbor asks, Would you rather I bring dinner tonight or tomorrow? this is easier to process than, What do you need? After all, what they really need is for this not to have happened.

      There is no general favor that will fit every situation. If the person finds peace in being busy, then allow them to do that, then be there when they need to break down. For many, it’s not the favors that are appreciated and remembered most. It’s the hugs and permission to cry without judgment that got them through.

      When Jerry and Susan’s son, Spencer, died before his first birthday, they were given plenty of support. Sometimes too much. Susan explains:

      Offer to help, offer again later, drop by a meal or two, offer to help clean the house, yard, pick up some groceries, whatever practical services you could do. Letting someone know you are available is the first step, then listen to what the person’s needs are. I had

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