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    Santa’s Little Helper Wants To Eat Your Children & Other Holiday Musings
    Santa’s Little Helper Wants To Eat Your Children & Other Holiday Musings
    Santa’s Little Helper Wants To Eat Your Children & Other Holiday Musings
    Ebook96 pages1 hour

    Santa’s Little Helper Wants To Eat Your Children & Other Holiday Musings

    By Rob Errera

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    About this ebook

    “A string of cheap lights can turn the ordinary into something shimmering and magical, the drab into the dazzling. Christmas lights remind us that the ordinary is extraordinary if viewed in the right light.”

    Funny and poignant, Santa’s Little Helper Wants To Eat Your Children & Other Holiday Musings is a collection of holiday-themed essays and recollections from award-winning writer Rob Errera that looks at the family, friends, feasts, fantasy, and folklore behind the modern American holiday season. Grab a mug of something hot, and curl up for a cozy yuletide ride through decorating disasters, family freak-outs, and child-eating monsters. Santa’s Little Helper Wants To Eat Your Children & Other Holiday Musings includes bonus essays about New Years, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Independence Day, digging into the history and traditions of these classic American celebrations.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGiantDogBooks
    Release dateDec 22, 2017
    ISBN9781981501304
    Santa’s Little Helper Wants To Eat Your Children & Other Holiday Musings
    Author

    Rob Errera

    Rob Errera is a writer, editor, musician, and literary critic. His fiction, non-fiction, and essays have earned numerous awards. He lives in New Jersey with his wife, two kids, and a bunch of rescued dogs and cats. He blogs at roberrera.com, tweets @haikubob, and his work is available in both print and digital editions at all major online booksellers.

    Read more from Rob Errera

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      Book preview

      Santa’s Little Helper Wants To Eat Your Children & Other Holiday Musings - Rob Errera

      'Tis The Season

      THE MOVIE GROUNDHOG DAY PORTRAYS a basic truth: Journalists cover the same story over and over and over again. As a newspaper columnist, I was tasked with coming up with an annual holiday column. How many different takes on Christmas and New Year could I have? Enough to fill a book...this book.

      This collection of holiday essays spans the years between 1994 and 2016. Each is a snapshot of my life at the time. The columns I wrote in my twenties are brash and angry; stuff I wrote in my thirties is humor-based (but still angry); the columns written in my forties are more thoughtful. For me there's a very clear dividing line; I was an asshole until my kids were born, and that slow transition from monster to man is reflected in these columns. That's the closest thing you'll find to a character arc in this book; the rest is about fun, family, and holiday memories--both good and bad.

      Stepping back and looking at my work as a whole, I come off as a perennial malcontent, a constant complainer. Sometimes I provoke people, too. But it's not because I'm mean-spirited. (Okay, maybe a little, but for the sake of argument, I'll leave my personal hang-ups out of it.) I'm merely trying to get people to think. If I provoke people to anger, it's with the intent of provoking them to challenge the way they think. Because I want to believe change is possible, that the world can become a better place. I want to believe in hope. 

      The holidays are about believing in miracles, believing peace on earth and goodwill toward men are more than sentiment, they're tangible goals that can be reached if we all put our minds and hearts to it. 

      The end of the calendar year, regardless of your religious affiliation, is a natural time to reflect on the past year(s) and consider the future. Thanks to everyone who read my work this year. Thank you for letting me share...and over-share.

      Enjoy a safe, and prosperous New Year!

      Rob Errera

      December 2017

      <<>>

      HAPPY HOLIDAYS

      Mega-Holiday Acquisitions & Mergers

      IN THE SPIRIT OF MERGING, consolidating, downsizing, and streamlining, it's my pleasure to announce the following holiday mergers which will result in a more unified Yuletide season.

      1. Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa will be unified into one 10-day Holiday Season lasting from Dec. 23 to Jan. 2. The holiday (working name: Kwanukkamas; working slogan: Enjoy Kwanukkamas) will feature gift giving (good for the economy), candle lighting (very holistic), and dancing to tribal music (lots of fun). 

      2. All holiday decorations will be consolidated into one ornament. The ornament (working name: The Ornament) will be a six-inch square made of gray felt. The Ornament won't stand for anything except the spirit of the Holiday Season, bland and non-offensive. With the exception of The Ornament, all other holiday decorations will be prohibited. (Sorry, Christmas tree fans, but killing a seven-year-old Douglass Fir so you can drag it into your living room and decorate it with cheap lights and bits of colorful plastic is environmentally insensitive.) 

      3. Santa Claus, Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, and Frosty the Snowman will merge into one central icon (working name: Rudy Claus, the Red-Nose Snow Man). The new icon will look like a gigantic frozen deer wearing a red suit. On Christmas Eve, Rudy Claus will descend the chimney, bringing with him the scent of steam and smoked venison. He will deliver practical gifts priced under $10; socks, soap, and non-perishable food items. 

      4. Ebenezer Scrooge and George Bailey will combine in It's a Wonderful Christmas Carol, about a mean, old miser who wishes he was never born. The Spirit of Kwanukkamas (working icon: a corpulent bald man in a blue suit) visits Ebenezer Bailey and shows him that yes, the world would have been a better place without him. Ebenezer Bailey wishes he was dead, and the Holiday Spirit summons Rudy Claus to trample him into frozen pulp. Not the most uplifting holiday tale, but one that demonstrates what happens to those who choose to live outside the mainstream. 

      5. The merging of Miracle on 34th Street, Home Alone, and Gremlins sees little Susan finally moving into her dream house, only to be abandoned by her mother during the Holiday Season. The house is besieged by small furry creatures who want to eat Susan. All seems lost until Rudy Claus shows up and tramples the Gremlins into frozen pulp (it's amazing how well this device works under the new Kwanukkamas banner). This new film will demonstrate that even if you can't trust your mother, you can trust the monolithic power represented by Rudy Claus. 

      These holiday mergers, like big corporate mergers, help eliminate the confusion of too many choices, and centralize the public into a more unified way of thinking. Don't worry about the small business owner; the little guy will be assimilated into the masses. Mergers promote unity and growth. Mergers help us all become one great global village. There is no need for diversity. Less choice leads to sharper focus. Mergers are good. All hail the mega-merger! 

      Enjoy Kwanukkamas.

      <<>>

      Getting A Jump On Being Jolly

      AH, YES, THE HOLIDAYS ARE here again! This should be a time to relax, have a drink with friends, break bread with family, and toast out the old year as you ring in the new.

      It just never seems to work out that way for me.

      Invariably, the holiday season is a hectic time of year. There's always so much

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