Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    Quick and Quirky: Short Stories with Quips!
    Quick and Quirky: Short Stories with Quips!
    Quick and Quirky: Short Stories with Quips!
    Ebook116 pages1 hour

    Quick and Quirky: Short Stories with Quips!

    By Fred Onymouse and Ann Onymouse

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    In his debut collection of short stories, Fred Onymouse takes a humorous and light-hearted glance at life. Quick and Quirky draws from Fred’s unique sense of humour to produce a read that leaves readers chuckling as they enjoy the quips inside the book. In the book, Fred writes hilarious stories about all aspects of life, each with a memorable protagonist and accompanied by fun illustrations by the author’s wife, Ann Onymouse. What happens when a couple find their holiday crashed by elephants? How can a blind artist and his colourblind dog produce the most desirable paintings in the world? And will two competing neighbours ever resolve their issues? Each story in the book concludes with a light-hearted moral that readers are guaranteed to remember. Comparable to the work of Spike Milligan, Quick and Quirky is a unique read that will appeal to all readers that enjoy humorous fiction. The book will have wide appeal from younger readers aged 9 years and over to a more mature audience.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherTroubador Publishing Ltd
    Release dateNov 28, 2017
    ISBN9781788031233
    Quick and Quirky: Short Stories with Quips!

    Related to Quick and Quirky

    Related ebooks

    Short Stories For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      Clean SWEEP

      Aug 31, 2022

      Clean SWEEP
      9 min read

    • Article

      It Happened to Me…

      Apr 21, 2022

      It Happened to Me…
      8 min read

    • Article

      Tapping At The Window

      Jan 12, 2022

      Tapping At The Window
      2 min read

    • Article

      Trouble in Strange Places

      May 1, 2022

      Growing up in a small town has got to be different from growing up in the city, but I don’t know exactly how. I’ve never lived anywhere else but this small town, and I’m eleven years old. The rest of the family is fine with living in Luverne, Minneso

      6 min read

    • Article

      The Anarchic Aestheric

      Jan 29, 2018

      SAM WILSON-SPÄTH OUR HOUSE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR STREET. BEING A MADNESS FAN, I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THAT. In fact, I have loved our house from the moment I saw it… 17 years ago at a 6 pm winter walkthrough, when there were children running happily d

      3 min read

    • Article

      Geordie Malone & Eartha Smith

      Dec 5, 2023

      Geordie Malone & Eartha Smith
      5 min read

    • Article

      Buried in Time

      Nov 3, 2022

      Buried in Time
      3 min read

    • Article

      A new START

      Aug 19, 2020

      A new START
      3 min read

    • Article

      Singing The Same Tune

      May 19, 2021

      Singing The Same Tune
      2 min read

    • Article

      Singing The Same Tune

      May 19, 2021

      Singing The Same Tune
      2 min read

    • Article

      Who’s In The Spare Room?

      Feb 20, 2020

      Who’s In The Spare Room?
      2 min read

    • Article

      DON’T GO INTO The Cellar!

      Jan 21, 2020

      DON’T GO INTO The Cellar!
      4 min read

    • Article

      SIGNS ACROSS THE divide

      Jan 19, 2021

      Pippa Heald, 43, from Exeter Picking up the toys, books, games and – for some reason – odd socks strewn across my living room floor, I sighed to myself. As a single mum to Liam*, now 10, and Matt*, eight, my work was never done! ‘Boys, can you come

      1 min read

    • Article

      Homebodies

      Jun 4, 2023

      Homebodies
      5 min read

    • Article

      1940s HOUSE

      Dec 5, 2023

      1940s HOUSE
      4 min read

    • Article

      Ghosts

      Nov 29, 2019

      Ghosts
      5 min read

    • Article

      THE Extra Guest

      May 12, 2021

      Helen Gazzara, Mornington Peninsula, Vic I think we can make this liveable,’ my partner, Tom, assured me. ‘Sure we can,’ I said, gazing at the rundown, old, Edwardian, weatherboard house we’d just rented. It was 1981, and there were none of the har

      2 min read

    • Article

      BARRY DODDS’ Haunted Britain

      Mar 17, 2020

      THE VENUE: Antwerp Mansion, Manchester THE HAUNTING: Ravers in Manchester will be familiar with Antwerp Mansion – tucked away down the backstreets, this was a popular venue with clubbers until it shut its doors in 2018. This grand, if dilapidated,

      3 min read

    • Article

      The Bird

      Jun 18, 2021

      DON’T think I’ve ever felt cold I like this before. There wasn’t a hint of snow anywhere but the cold went all the way down to my bones. Even here in a minibus taxi packed with plenty of warm bodies, the cold bit. I was only wearing a T-shirt and a t

      5 min read

    • Article

      Cricket League

      Sep 1, 2022

      First prize 10 and under Tang Li, age 9 Palmetto Bay, FL My name is Anisa. I was in Hawaii on vacation. I enjoyed sipping refreshing drinks, overlooking the turquoise ocean, and dancing with others, before I overheard that the priceless Fire Ring wa

      10 min read

    • Article

      “No Brown Sugar in Anybody’s Milk”

      Jun 5, 2023

      Essie T-e-e-e. Essie T. Where is that girl? Essie T., hurry up and come in here and fasten the back of this dress. Honestly, girl, are you always so slow? A big clumsy-looking girl pushed herself across the room. She walked as if she were afraid that

      10 min read

    • Article

      A Buzz In THE DARK

      Sep 16, 2020

      “When I say there was a lot going on in the master bedroom at Dear Towers one night recently, please don’t get the wrong impression. For a start, Mr D was snoring for most of the time. Perhaps that’s not fair. Mr Dear doesn’t snore as most people wo

      3 min read

    • Article

      WINNERS APRIL 2023 STORY CONTEST Pet

      Sep 1, 2023

      Danah Jang, age 10Westlake, OH Finn, the Goat Picasso I had a tawny-colored goat named Finn. I raised him after finding him in the fields. He was in poor condition, calling out with miserable, piercing wails. The heart-melting scene convinced me to

      9 min read

    • Article

      Moving On

      Nov 6, 2022

      Moving On
      5 min read

    • Article

      Your Poetry

      May 28, 2021

      Email your poems to: (editorial@choicemag.co.uk) or post to Your Poetry, Choice, 4 Milnyard Square, Orton Southgate, Peterborough PE2 6GX There’s a train that runs on barren track, along the side & at the back,of the caravan. The children laugh & sho

      3 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for Quick and Quirky

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      Quick and Quirky - Fred Onymouse

      Copyright © 2017 Fred and Ann Onymouse

      The moral right of the author has been asserted.

      Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

      Matador

      9 Priory Business Park,

      Wistow Road, Kibworth Beauchamp,

      Leicestershire. LE8 0RX

      Tel: 0116 279 2299

      Email: books@troubador.co.uk

      Web: www.troubador.co.uk/matador

      Twitter: @matadorbooks

      ISBN 9781788031233

      British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

      A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

      Matador is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

      Short stories for anyone who might enjoy them – a degree is by no means a necessity, but a SoH might help… and PoS definitely would!

      SoH = Sense of Humour

      PoS = Pinch of Salt

      AUTHOR

      Fred left secondary school at 14, without any GCE or A-Levels.

      He found a job in the warehouse of a small firm, and worked there for ten years. Then he went to work in the warehouse of a supermarket, for nearly 30 years.

      He has only been writing creatively for the past two years, before that he scarcely wrote at all… but Ann (his wife) thinks he has a colloquial quirky humour – of a ‘je ne sais quoi’ ingenious kind!

      Fred has also written the lyrics for Ann’s children’s rhyming short stories book: The Conjurer’s Mouse.

      CONTENTS

      Buttons

      Tit for Tat

      Councillor

      Holiday Elephants

      Magic

      China Set

      Bingo

      Teapots

      Horses

      Mix-up

      Blind Painter

      Dog and Cat

      Robots

      Bottle Breaker

      Mystery Suitcase

      BUTTONS

      As we all know, there are millions of buttons in the world – all different sizes and shapes: some with six or four holes, and some with two holes. There are even some very ancient ones, with just one hole – but not so many of those. This is about some extra special buttons!

      There were two sisters in the North of England, Elsie and Doris, who were both button-mad. They had a room in their house, completely covered with buttons. Buttons were stuck to the walls… the ceiling… everywhere there were buttons!

      Each week on a Wednesday, they opened their doors to anyone who was interested in seeing their display. Women mostly would come in, and pay fifty pence to browse through them.

      Now, the sisters had some extra special buttons in their collection, which were worth a lot of money. They kept these buttons in a metal box, fastened to the wall with bolts, as a safety measure; and although they tried to keep it a secret, word got around.

      It wasn’t long before a gang of boys wanted to get their hands on the extra special buttons. Every time they came to see the display, they kept looking at the box. Would it be possible to rip, or more likely, drag it off the wall?

      The gang leader, a bit of a boaster, said, ‘I could easily get that box off the wall.’ ‘How?’ asked one of his mates.

      ‘I’ll get a sledgehammer. That will shift it… if I give it a good whack.’

      ‘How, are you going to get into the house?’ another of his mates queried.

      ‘I don’t know yet, but I’m working on it,’ said the leader. ‘You could do some thinking too!’

      The boys went home, pondering on how they could get into the house.

      Elsie and Doris decided to have a holiday, and they locked the door of the room, with the button box in it. They had their house burglar alarm set, so that the buttons would be safe, and the button box was alarm-wired inside.

      When the gang heard that the sisters were going away, they jumped for joy. ‘Good,’ they said, ‘now we can get the extra special buttons!’

      They got a sledgehammer, and tried to get into the house. They had to be very quiet, so as not to disturb the neighbours, and they then decided, ‘We’ll go through the skylight window, if we can get it open.’

      They pushed and pulled each other up, but they couldn’t open that either. They didn’t want to break the glass, as it would make a noise and would wake the neighbours.

      The gang worked at attempts to open the skylight for half-an-hour. In the end, they had to give up for the night. They would be back tomorrow, with another plan on how to get into the house!

      The next night the boys were back with some shovels. After about an hour, they managed to dig a tunnel through the garden, and were able to squeeze themselves into the cellar – but they didn’t know that the house was burglar alarmed – and one of the boys set the alarm off! They quickly covered up the cellar opening, and crawled

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1