On The Whole: A Story of Mothering and Disability
By Ona Gritz
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About this ebook
Ona Gritz
Ona Gritz's first full length poetry collection, Geode, was a finalist for the 2013 Main Street Rag Poetry Book Award. She is also the author of a poetry chapbook and two children's books. Her book Tangerines & Tea, My Grandparents & Me was chosen by Nick Jr. Magazine as Best Alphabet Book of 2005 and one of six best children's books of the year by Scholastic Parent & Child Magazine. Ona's memoir, On the Whole: A Story of Mothering and Disability, is available now as an ebook.
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On The Whole - Ona Gritz
On the Whole
1.
Do you have any medical conditions I should know about?
I’m perched on the edge of the exam table, still in my jeans, when the midwife asks this, but with the question hanging between us, I may as well be in a gaping paper robe.
Still, she did have to ask, which I tell myself says something. She hasn’t noticed my limp. Once again, I’ve passed.
Cerebral palsy,
I say apologetically. Only on my right side. A mild case.
Jan looks at her clipboard and makes a note.
I’m sure it won’t affect the pregnancy,
I add, and she nods, moving to the next question on the list.
With my confession behind me, I gaze around the room, taking in its pastel orderliness, the vase of lilies on the counter, the poster-sized drawing of a woman, her abdomen sliced to reveal the baby curled and upside down inside her.
Any diabetes in the family? Heart disease? Are you on any medication?
No... No…,
I answer Jan, placing my good hand on my still-flat abdomen. Thinking, bustling little seed. Miracle question mark.
Let’s have a look. Shall we?
Jan stays in the room while I remove my pants and underwear and place them folded together on an empty chair. She has, I discover, no humiliating paper dresses. Nor those absurd paper sheets my gynecologist uses so we can both pretend we don’t know what he’s looking at.
In Jan’s office, I’m given a cup and a litmus strip at the start of each visit and sent in to test my urine. I stand on the scale and write my weight in the file where my C.P. is a two-letter notation on some earlier page. Jan trusts me to know my own body. That first day, I said my disability is a nonissue, so she never brings it up. The only time it crosses my own mind within these soothing pastel walls is when she asks if I want to test for Down syndrome or spina bifida.
No,
I answer quickly. My C.P. clumsiness may embarrass me, but I know life with a disability is worth having.
You don’t want to talk this over with Richard?
No,
I say again.
Just weeks before, Richard and I passed an elderly couple as we were leaving a restaurant, the man slouched in a wheelchair, his wife struggling to push him along the gravel path.
Do me a favor,
Richard said once they were out of earshot. I knew what was coming. If I ever get to that point, just do me in.
Inside me, my own fear of his or my debilitation battled it out with my indignation at my husband’s assumption that this man, a stranger to us, was better