Dan Clark's Humor File

Preface

When the publishers were trying to find someone to write this book, they called up the best looking guy they knew. He turned them down. So they called up the most intelligent guy they knew. He turned them down too. So they called up the humblest, sweetest, most sincere guy they knew. Hey, I couldn’t turn them down three times in a row, so I said yes!

By profession, I am a full-time speaker. No, I did not say motivational speaker. I don’t want to be a motivational speaker. They quote shallow cliché’s like, We become what we think about. That’s not true. If that were true, I would have been a woman by the time I was twelve years old! I want to be an inspirational speaker. And yes, inspiration includes humor.

The only time we can take life more seriously is when we take ourselves less seriously. A sense of humor makes our idiosyncrasies acceptable and our short falls and failings bearable, which allows us to admit that we are okay just the way we are. For example, when I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped me and then went out in the hall and slapped my dad! And as I grew older my dad kept the photo that came with the wallet! When I was in Junior High, I was so skinny I had to jump around in the shower to get wet!

On a friendship note: my buddy Bubba Bechtol, president of Bubbas of America and headlining country comedian, is one of the funniest men on earth. His entire act reminds us to laugh at ourselves. He is five feet eleven inches tall and weighs 340 pounds. He usually walks out on stage wearing a skimpy T-shirt, exposing his navel (thinks he’s Shania Twain!). His opening line is Hey, I beat anorexia! I got it into permanent remission, and it ain’t coming back! Bubba then continues, "I haven’t always been this big. My doctor put me on

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a dehydrated food diet for six months and one day I got caught in the rain! It was awful! I gained 104 pounds in five minutes!!

Another very large friend was having chest pains. I was concerned and took him to our mutual friend working that night in the emergency room. Trying to explain his predicament he told the doc, I’m overweight because it’s a medical problem. The doctor replied, No. The only medical problem you suffer from is that your body retains too much chocolate fudge cake! But, my friend insisted, obesity runs in my family. With a grin and an honest sense of humor, our doctor friend replied, "No, no one runs in your family!

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All-time Classics

Who Is This

A young soldier was working in the army supply building when he answered a telephone call. Inventory check, the deep voice demanded.

The soldier reported, We have 1500 rifles, 10 tanks, and one fat-headed sergeant’s Jeep.

The voice on the other end said, What?

The soldier repeated, We have 1500 rifles, 10 tanks, and one fat-headed sergeant’s Jeep.

Angrily, the voice asked, Do you know who this is? The soldier replied, No.

This is the Sergeant!

The soldier gasped, Whoa. Do you know who this is? The Sergeant answered, No.

The soldier yelled, Good. Bye, bye, fat-head!

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General’s Secret

A young Army General finally got a chance to meet a famous older General who had never lost a battle. When the young General asked him what his secret was, the older General explained, "I always led my men into battle, marching

at the front of the line wearing a bright red shirt."

Perplexed, the young General observed, But didn’t that make you a target?

The older General answered, Yes. But when I got shot, the red color of my blood meshed perfectly into the red color of my shirt and my men never knew I had been shot. So they kept fighting until we won the battle. You should try it.

The young General replied, Thanks. I will. Lieutenant, will you please bring me my brown pants?

Wake Up

A man was sitting at a table in the bar. Suddenly, two huge men came in the door, walked up to him, and beat the ever-living tar out of him. Leaving him unconscious and in a pool of blood on the floor, the two men strutted out of the bar. As they left, they stopped the bartender and proudly said, When he wakes up, tell him that was Karate from Korea and Judo from Japan!

In a few minutes the guy regained consciousness, stood up, wiped himself off, finished his drink, and left.

Later that day the two men came back to the bar. While they were drinking and laughing about the guy they beat up earlier that day, the guy they beat up walked back into the bar, straight up to their table and knocked both of

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them out cold. As he left he told the bartender, When they wake up, tell them that was a crowbar from Sears!

The Devil

In the middle of a preacher’s sermon, the back door of the church slams open, and in walks the devil. Church members climb out the windows, and the preacher slides out the back door. However, one good old boy stays seated on his bench. The devil walks

up to him and says, Apparently, you don’t know who I am.

The old boy says, You’re Satan.

The devil says, Apparently, you don’t realize that with one gesture, I can have you cast to outer darkness.

The old boy says, Yea.

The devil says, Apparently you don’t realize that with one word of my voice, I can have you tormented for eternity!

The old boy says, Yea.

The devil asks, Then why aren’t you afraid of me?

The good old boy says, Listen, I’ve been married to your sister for forty-two years, and there’s nothing you can do that would surprise or intimidate me!

Heavenly Spelling Bee

A woman died and St. Peter greeted her at the Pearly Gates with one question: If you can spell the word ‘love’ you can enter into heaven? She answered, l, o, v, e and was invited in. Curiously she inquired if he asked everybody this same question. He said he did, and felt inspired to have her take

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over this important job. One by one she asked each person to spell ‘love’ until she suddenly saw her husband waving his hands at the back of the line. She called him to the front and asked him why he was there? How had he died so suddenly?

Sheepishly, he confessed that instead of attending her funeral that morning, he had gone golfing with his buddies. And

on his way home he got hit by a bus and was killed.

So, he asked, what do I have to do to get into this heavenly place? His wife answered, Spell Czechoslovakia!

Quick Thinking

A man was given a promotion in his company. The president called him in and said, We are impressed with your leadership skills. We need you to move to Detroit.

The man soured, I don’t want to move to Detroit. The only things Detroit has are good hockey teams and ugly women.

The president was offended, What do you mean? My wife is from Detroit.

The man quickly replied, Oh yeah, which team does she play for?

Don’t Drink and Ride

Monday night we went to a bachelor party, my friends got drunk, I was the designated driver and they talked me into taking them horseback riding on our way home. There was only one horse and before the groom could settle in on its back, it started bucking out of control until he was thrown face first

to the ground. With his foot caught in the stirrup, his body bouncing off the saddle, and about to go unconscious, luckily the Wal-Mart manager came outside and unplugged it!

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Temperature

An arrogant businessman had been in the hospital for days, bossing the nurses around like his employees, who decided they would not check on him again. So the head nurse came to the rescue, walked in his room and told him she needed an accurate temperature. When he grunted and opened his mouth, she told him to roll over. After she inserted the thermometer she left and did not close the door. For 30 minutes people walked by giggling at the man on his stomach.

Finally the doctor arrived and asked, What’s going on here?

Angrily, the man answered, What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?

Yes, said the doctor. But never with a carnation!

The Cover-Up

Two neighbor ladies had been feuding for months. One day they finally reconciled their differences and rekindled their friendship. They hugged and retired to their respective homes. Thirty minutes later one of the women was looking out her patio window and discovered her dog with something

white in its mouth. It was her neighbor’s pet rabbit.

Oh, no, she said to herself. I’ve just glued our relationship back together and my dog kills her rabbit! So she quickly took it into her home, washed it, blow-dried its fur into a beautiful fluff, and then tiptoed into her neighbor’s backyard and secretly placed

the dead rabbit in its hutch and locked the door. She thought all was well until she heard a blood-curdling scream. When she ran outside to greet her neighbor she asked what was wrong?

Her neighbor blurted, Our rabbit died two weeks ago, we buried it in the garden, and now it’s back in it’s cage!

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Sweet Mom

My 89 year-old mother went in for her annual physical and the physician told her she needed more exercise. So she joined a fitness club and signed up for an aerobics class for seniors. Sure enough, she bent over, twisted and turned, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time she got her leotard on, the class was over!

107 Years Old

A 107-year-old man was interviewed on The Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon said, It says here in your bio that you’ve been married seven times. The intense, energetic little man excitedly answered, Yep. I loved them all but I outlived ’em all.

Fallon continued, It says here that your current wife is thirty-five years old. Aren’t you afraid of a heart attack? The old man perked up, smiled, and quickly replied, Hey, if she goes, she goes!

Brutal Honesty

A police officer pulled over an older couple and said, Sir, you were speeding, and you are not wearing your seat belt.

The elderly man scoffed and replied, "No, I wasn’t speeding.

Prove it. And I just took the belt off to talk to you!"

Exasperated, the officer turned to the wife. Ma’am, your husband was speeding, wasn’t he, and he probably hasn’t had his seat belt on all day.

Officer, she replied. After forty years of marriage, I’ve learned never to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.

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Idiots in the Park

One day I was sitting on a bench on a folded newspaper. A man strolled by and asked, Excuse me, are you reading that? A few minutes later the same thing happened again, but this time I was ready. I was still sitting on the paper when a different man came up to me and asked if I was reading it. I stood up, turned the page, sat back down, and answered, Yes, but I’ll be done in a minute!

God Father’s Lawyer

A Mafia Godfather hired a bookkeeper who is deaf, knowing that because he can’t hear, he will never be asked to testify in court. One day he finds out his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million dollars. When the Godfather goes to confront him, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer to ask him where the money is.

The lawyer, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper, Where’s the money?

The bookkeeper signs back, I don’t know what you are talking about.

The lawyer tells the Godfather, He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s head and says, Ask him again or I’ll kill him!

The lawyer signs to the bookkeeper, "He’ll