Jesus Returns! Here he comes again...

Jesus Returns!

Here he comes again…

Matthew James

Copyright 2018 Matthew James

Published by Matthew James at Smashwords

Email: onlyanatheist@mail.com

Twitter: onlyanatheist1

Cover designed by Natasha Snow. http://natashasnow.com/

Smashwords Edition, license notes

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All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

All characters in this publication are fictitious, or based on fictitious religious characters, and any resemblance to real persons (or deities), living or dead, is purely coincidental (or for satirical purposes). None of this is meant to be taken seriously.

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Chapter One

In which the prodigal son returns, God and His son are reunited, and Jesus faces The New Committee

Meetings, always with the meetings

God was in a meeting. God was often in a meeting but these days it really wasn’t so bad. Since reclaiming His Divine Kingdom and reinstalling Himself back into a position of power, God’s life had markedly improved. He was once again Lord of all that He surveyed and He had even presided over a reorganisation of the bureaucratic structure of Heaven that had dramatically improved his working life. Now, instead of sitting through endless, incredibly tedious meetings He only had to endure a few, very condensed, summations and thus He was happier.

He knew that He didn’t really need to listen to what anyone said anyway; He could tell them the way that things should be and they would just have to put up with it and implement whatever it was He told them to do. He was the Chief after all. Oh, yes, since His trip to Earth and His failed attempt to persuade the belligerent humans to listen to Him, He had most definitely rediscovered His mojo. God was once again in charge of the Universe.

But actually, He didn't want to do that. Since His failed mission God had had become an all-round nicer deity and though he didn’t succeed in His aims, the effect the trip had had on Him was dramatic. He was again trying to do the best job that He could do and so that did mean listening to those whose knowledge was greater than His, figuring out the best course of action and then implementing the changes for the better. Thus, He attended the necessary meetings and He listened as well as He could and came to the best conclusions available to Him. Such was the burden of command.

That wasn’t to say that things were perfect; they weren’t. The angels were still the cause of most of His grief and the thing that annoyed him the most was that they still listened to the whinging of those who thoroughly enjoyed complaining even when the matters that they were whining about were trivial. Consequently some of these issues still made it to His ears but, unless they were serious and needed addressing, God simply ignored them. He wished He had figured that trick out eons ago. It would’ve saved Him a lot of grief.

Also, since returning from His trip to Earth, God had honoured his promise to Sandalphon and had been spending time with the psychiatrist to which he had been referred. God had tried to keep this information a secret but the bloody angels and their habit of gossiping meant that it had become public knowledge in an astonishingly brief time. To His surprise, God found that he didn’t care. He was enjoying the sessions and they were useful. He was a complicated being with issues to resolve and it was nobody’s business but His own, not that anyone else seemed to see it that way. But His attitude towards this matter actually seemed to have worked and no one was hassling Him about it. Business for His psychiatrist had also recently spiked; it seemed that everyone wanted to go to the shrink who God talked to.

Actually, one of His unresolved issues had recently returned to Heaven from a mission on a world with newly discovered intelligent life. His son, Jesus. God had been given this information this very morning by His very-much-to-His-surprise now long-suffering secretary. The young angel had not followed the usual pattern of those in his position and sought reassignment as soon as possible and had remained at God's side. God knew this had much to do with His changed attitude since His return and, even though His mission had failed and He had been unable to restore that world to its former glory, God had seemingly reached some peace over the issue and now considered the matter closed.

But He knew that others did not feel the same, including His son, and having ‘done His thing’, as Jesus liked to say, on yet another world God had been informed that he now wanted to talk to Him about the Earth situation. God was not looking forward to this conversation and now found Himself in the unpleasant situation of not really wanting to talk to His own son. Not that Jesus was actually His biological offspring any more than any other of His creations. He really wasn't all that different from the angels, both had been created by His hands, but for reasons that made perfect sense at the time yet seemed far less sensible now, God had decided to impart a part, a very small measure, of his own energy into Jesus' frame. This gave his son a greater control of the 'divine energies' that he used and was necessary for his missions. It also made Jesus slightly more his son than anything else in the Universe. It shouldn't matter, but no one, not Jesus, not God, nor the angels, saw him in the same way as they did the angels. To everyone Jesus was the son of God and there seemed to be nothing that He could do about it.

The angels were His servants; they were tasked with following His commands and managing His Divine Kingdom and caring for all of the worlds in the Universe. That was their remit. Jesus was an operator from within who was sent to a world, born into the form of an indigenous being and his job was to then set about infiltrating the population, become renowned and use his limited divine power to become revered. Then he would build himself up as an icon around which a religion could be formed and this was used to steer the population down the path that God and His angels felt was right for that individual world. All of this was done in the name of civility and in most cases it worked. But not always. If a population was particularly difficult or belligerent it sometimes backfired. As it had with the bloody humans!

On that world Jesus’ method had worked for a time and indeed there were those who still believed in him. But it had not been entirely successful. As well as God and his Kingdom, the humans now believed in all manner of things including many that were fanciful. These included extraterrestrials, fairies and goblins and ogres and many such oddities. Of course, there were indeed species on other worlds but none had yet displayed more than a passing interest in humanity who had been broadcasting their presence to the universe, via radio and televisual signals, for some time. They had gotten some brief interest but the distances involved were so enormous that an expedition had yet to be mounted. And at the rate humans were destroying their world it was more than likely that extraterrestrial visitors would find only a dead world when they arrived.

God didn’t know whether or not His son would actually be able to help with the Earth problem but now that Jesus had decided he wanted to try there was little that God, or anyone else, could do about it. Even God had a hard time deterring his son from his chosen path once his mind was set on a particular course and that belligerence was what made Jesus both an effective operator and a pain in the arse. Mostly a pain in the arse.

God knew that His son was already on a flight headed back to the Divine Kingdom and that they would soon need to have a conversation. Most likely a difficult conversation. He asked His secretary to bring Him some tea and then settled in to get as much work done between now and whenever His son decided to show Himself. Once Jesus arrived God knew that His days would likely become very full until such time as he departed, likely leaving a considerable mess in his wake. That was simply Jesus' way: charge in, create a fuss and a mess, and then leave. Someone else would clean it up, they always did. And so God needed as clear a schedule as He could make between now and then. His tea arrived, He thanked His secretary, took a sip and then knuckled down to get some work done.

The prodigal son returns

Jesus’ flight arrived back at the Divine Kingdom; he hustled through the airport, flagged down a cab to get back to his residence and headed back to the nice little house that was his. It was within walking distance of his father’s residence and, though he wanted to talk to his dad about the success of his recent mission and his desire to help with the Earth situation, it would all have to wait until tomorrow for he was exhausted.

Whenever he undertook a mission like the one he had just completed, the name of the world and people he was already forgetting, he always returned happy but exhausted. Happy that the mission was a success and that he was a revered figure on yet another world and for yet another people, but exhausted as getting to that point was a lot of work. It also didn’t help that the usual end point for his mission was the death of the body in which he had been living. But that was the way the gig worked and there was nothing to be done about it and so little point complaining.

Unfortunately, this process always left him physically and mentally exhausted. Sure, there was the resurrection, which was a blast, but in between came his sacrifice in undeniably brutal ways. This time it had been exsanguination, but throughout history Jesus had been killed in almost every way that it was possible for a mortal being to die. And, after he'd had a few drinks with his posse, his cadre, his disciples, Jesus was prone to describing, at length, what the experience of each was like to anyone who'd listen. He could tell you which was more painful, which lasted longest, which was surprisingly peaceful and so on. He had recounted all of them to his fans, of which he had a large number, both on the world’s he visited and in the Heavenly Realm at the gatherings that he decided to grace with his presence.

Right now though Jesus needed to eat, bathe, and then to sleep, in that order and so made some food, crashed out in front of the TV and relaxed. He found some inane show imported from Earth to watch as he ate and, moments later, realised that he was actually enjoying it. The last time he was on that particular world the indigenous life forms hadn’t yet reached the technological stage required to produce entertainment like this and he wondered what else he might find, what other fun he might have. It now occurred to him that visiting Earth might be more enjoyable than he had initially thought. From what he remembered humans liked to drink, party and fornicate, three of Jesus' favourite activities, so maybe he could actually enjoy himself before he returned to the Heavenly Realm for his next mission.

First though he had to tell his dad what he had planned and so, when the show ended, he bathed and retired to his bed to rest. He wanted to have the energy required for the discussion and, most likely, the arguments that would inevitably follow once he announced his intentions. It didn’t really matter though, his mind was set, he was going to Earth and all he now had to do was convince his father, and the interminable bureaucracy that Heaven had become, of this fact. Yet whatever happened on Earth he knew he should try to enjoy himself and he would, provided his followers, of which he usually had many, acceded to his wishes. And they usually were only too happy to do so for was he not the son of God? And life for the son of God was usually quite a blast!

The following morning Jesus was woken by Jedathun and his newly reformed choir. Since returning to the Heavenly Realm God had restored several things, including this gathering, to something of their former glories. And though the choir was not as it once had been, which would have required more resources than even God could spare for something so frivolous, it was nevertheless an impressive sight and sound. Jesus just wished they didn't have to start so bloody early! He wondered why the day couldn't be welcomed a little more quietly and much, much later on. He pulled his pillow over his head and tried to get back to sleep but it was no use. The noise was simply too loud to be ignored.

Jesus dragged himself from his bed, made and poured himself a coffee and then took another cab to the office to talk to his father. On expenses of course for the son of God does not pay for anything that he does not have to. As far as Jesus was concerned he didn’t need an appointment to talk to his dad; he could just show up and they would accommodate him, they always did. Jesus didn’t really know how the world worked for other people, but for him it was just fine.

He rode the elevator up to the office and walked straight in passing the secretary who really disliked him. Actually none of his father's secretaries had ever really liked him, but Jesus truly didn’t care. The angel tried to put himself between Jesus and the door to God’s office but he was far too slow. Jesus had practised the art of rushing past someone who didn’t want you going where you were intent on going far too many times to be stopped by this amateur. He opened the door and found that his father was in the middle of a phone call and God looked up to see his son standing in His office. He was far less surprised than Jesus had expected and so he knew that someone had blabbed that he was coming. Those bloody angels and their gossiping!

OK, God said to the person on the other end of the line. Thanks for the update. I’ll look forward to your report. Goodbye, Sandy. God placed the phone back in the receiver and walked over to Jesus. They hugged, something which God had only recently adopted as a form of greeting, and then God retook his seat behind the desk while Jesus took the one that sat in front.

It’s good to see you, son, said God, sincerely. It had been a while since they had been in the same room together and God found that He had missed His son's company. How did the mission go?

It was a rousing success, Dad, but then I’m sure you knew that. God had in fact known that but had asked so as to be polite. Despite having been father and son for a long time neither felt truly comfortable in their respective roles and God did not yet know how to change this situation. For the time being it was what it was.

Good, I’m glad, He replied. How are you feeling after your, well, the conclusion of your mission?

Tired, Jesus replied. As always. But then that’s the gig, isn't it. And it's not like anyone else can do it. God still felt guilty that his son had been created to fulfill this particular role and for all that came with it. He knew Jesus enjoyed the work, indeed he was very good at it, but he also knew the cost he paid. It wasn't easy dying so frequently, even if he was always reborn. There was inevitably some trauma involved.

Well, rest and relax. You’ve earned it. And if you want someone to talk to... Jesus smirked. He actually smirked at the suggestion that he might want to talk to his dad.

Yeah, I don't think so, Jesus sharply replied.

Well, I’ve been talking to someone for a little while now and it’s been very helpful, God added.

Yeah, I know, Jesus replied. Everyone knows. It's lame, dad. God wondered why his son had to make him feel small for needing someone to talk to and then immediately decided not to feel that way. Since beginning His sessions He genuinely felt better, His mood had improved, and He knew that He was dealing with issues that ideally should’ve been resolved a long time ago.

Well, I'm finding it useful, He said. Jesus nearly scoffed again and so God pressed on. Look, the offer is there, should you change your mind. Jesus simply smiled a very patronising smile.

I don’t think so, he repeated. But there was something I wanted to talk to you about. Right, here we go, thought God. Quick to the point, as ever. Earth. It's a mess. You went, you tried to fix it, you failed. Now I want to try. There was a long, awkward pause while the two beings collected their thoughts.

Why? asked God.

That world still needs saving, right? replied Jesus, glibly. God took His time replying, seemingly gathering His thoughts.

I thought that it did, replied God. That is why I went. Now I'm not so sure.

Look, dad, said Jesus, "just 'cause you failed, doesn’t mean that I will." God hated when Jesus spoke to Him this way. His son was one of the few beings that got away with being glib to Him. Jesus had been His son for many thousands of millennia and God had expected him to get past his rebellious phase by now but that had not yet happened. He had also been hoping that His son would’ve grown up a little, but that too was yet to materialise and God knew that the treatment Jesus received from those around him was probably part of the problem.

Everyone in Heaven, and indeed anyone employed by the Heavenly Realm, treated Jesus exactly as they thought they should. As the son of their Lord. God knew this was partly His fault but what could He do? The role Jesus played needed a ‘one of a kind’ creation were he to be successful, and a higher status inevitably came with said role. There was no doubt that dying during the mission also unsurprisingly impacted on His son’s ego and all of this dictated His son’s place