Onward: Volume Seven

Onward: The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Volume Seven

Meghan McDonnell

Copyright 2017 Meghan K. McDonnell

Discover other Titles by Meghan McDonnell:

Minor: Volume One

Novice: Volume Two

Limbo: Volume Three

Elsewhere: Volume Four

Faithful: Volume Five

Vespers: Volume Six

Onward: Volume Seven

Sojourn: Volume Eight

Ingress: Volume Nine

Note

All names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. I have solely recorded my interpretations and opinions of all events. Certain place names have been changed. Aside from minor edits, all else is as I wrote it at the time. If you’re new to the journals, welcome. If you’re a veteran, thank you for coming back for more. You’ll find links to songs, books, films, and more throughout the text, and a playlist at the end.

Contents

July 2002

August 2002

September 2002

October 2002

November 2002

December 2002

January 2003

February 2003

March 2003

April 2003

Playlist

July 2002

Sunday, July 21, 2002

I am marrying Carson. I am in love and elated. I feel beautiful, graceful, light. Every inch of my body is electrified.

I worked last night and the hours passed like minutes because Carson and my friends were there. I can’t keep track of the days; they pass like water. I am with Carson all the time.

The night I last wrote was mayhem. We were all insane. I told Carson I wanted to smoke a cigarette, listen to a song, go home, and learn how it feels to kiss him.

Forgive the sporadic intervals at which I’ll relate what has happened. It blends into one realization: Carson Hall is my love, my soul.

Last night, I told Mom that he and I are getting married. She took it well. She repeated, Okay, but she didn’t sound critical.

Carson drove to see his parents today. He said they are excited and he told his dad, I’m going to marry her.

When I got off the phone with Mom, it was ridiculous and funny at the bar. All of us were there physically, but each a million miles away in mind. I was thinking of Carson; Rachel was out to lunch with her thoughts; Shelly was lusting after Chet the cook. Poor Derek (the bar back, for God’s sake) ran around like a mad man because he wanted to clock off early and get a drink with a cute gay guy he likes, and his co-workers were useless.

At one point, we stood around smoking cigarettes while Derek poured drinks, took tables, and punched in tickets, among other things. Jill smiled and said, Good job, girls. You’ve got him trained.

Yesterday, Carson and I sat in the Cabin Tavern after buying duds at Blue Moon and looking at the antique mall for wedding rings.

Carson’s mother’s health is in question. He cried and looked at me. He said, I’m probably going to have a big breakdown when you get done with work. He didn’t.

We had sex for the first time. I was going to have us wait until our wedding night. Our connection is a refutation of Anne Sexton’s When Man Enters Woman. Carson is like water, whisky, wine, and oxygen to me. I feel open and exposed to him and I give freely. I told him we are maps and territories. He makes me a beautiful vessel.

We are getting married in Las Vegas and then going to Burning Man. His brother Craig will be our witness.

Earlier this week, Carson, Angela, Corey, and I went to Angela’s and drank whisky on her deck until 7 a.m.

Everything is becoming we when before, it was always I.

Carson and I have considered talking to Prof. Pittman about our lackluster attendance in class. We think we should fill him in on why we are preoccupied.

Carson said he hopes we will always make people’s jaws drop, as we have been every time we tell someone we are getting married. They think we’re kidding and then realize we’re not.

Cassie had lunch with us yesterday. She gives her blessing. This time is indescribable: Cassidy’s pregnancy, Angela’s departure for grad school, me and Carson’s union. We owe thanks to the people in our lives. We ought to call Ryan Adams and thank him for providing the soundtrack to our falling in love.

I cried when I talked to Elizabeth about Carson. She knew I was being real.

Love, Meghan

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

Carson and skipped theory class so we could finish our papers. We walked in together near the end of class and Prof. Roberts looked calm, welcoming, and warm. We apologized for turning our papers in late and she said it’s okay because our attendance has been good. Carson told her we are invested in the class but personal things have distracted us.

We went to Shakespeare class and wrote notes back and forth. We went back to his place after class to nap. We ordered Thai food and ate at his work before I met Cass and Nina at the Beaver. Cassie and I are going through some major shit in our lives: a baby and marriage. I love her dearly and I can’t wait to meet her baby. She has a name for her: Sylvie. Carson is excited to meet her, too. We want Cassie to carry her down the aisle when we have an official wedding ceremony. I want to have it on February 3rd, my grandparents’ anniversary, but we’re focused on the Vegas wedding for now.

Carson and Angela came in while I worked last night. It was slow so Sue cut me loose and then of course it got busy.

When we got home, Carson said, I want to show you something. He showed me a picture of myself on a corner in New York, the Empire State Building behind me. Claire took it. I’m smiling and holding Claire’s and my coffees. Carson said he wants to be the one on that corner with me one day; he wants the other cup of coffee to be his.

We mushed and showered this morning and then walked to school. We got coffee and as we walked through campus, Carson said he’s glad he met his future wife in college, and that he didn’t expect to. I wrote notes to him all through theory class. We sat by the fountain after and ran into Cassie. She and I went to the Bagelry for lunch and I returned to campus for Shakespeare class.

Carson and I wrote more notes. Pittman wondered aloud why we were smiling. Near the end of class, we talked about ideal love vis a vis Shakespeare’s plays. Sadie shouted, They’re getting married! All eyes on us. We held hands and laughed and nodded.

Pittman talked to us after class. I went to Mambo Italiano with Cassie, Skyler, Nina, and Sadie. I called Mom and Elizabeth. Elizabeth cried and misunderstood what we had talked about on Saturday. She thought I was not including her, that I was inviting a few friends to Vegas and that was it. She didn’t realize we want to have a formal ceremony down the road for family and friends. Mom sounds happy. I’m driving down to see them on Friday.

Claire is coming home this weekend for a few weeks before she leaves for Italy. I want her to design my wedding dress and fly home to be in the wedding down the line. Carson and I want to visit her in Florence.

Carson is concerned about Charlie’s reaction when he catches wind of our engagement. The song "Movie Star Girl" by Ryan Adams sums it up.

It’s Angela’s last night in town. It makes me sad. She’s going to Eastern Washington, then coming back here for a couple days until she leaves for DC for good. Her departure will be difficult for me.

I struggle with change and the absence of people I love. But with Carson, I feel like that won’t affect me as much. He is my home and my safety now. I have Carson. I don’t need possessions or to be afraid. I have him. He came along when I’d given up on the prospect that he could exist.

Traveling, graduating, leaving Bellingham, moving on … all seemed sad and lonely. Now they seem illuminated because Carson will be with me. I give thanks for my renewed sense of purpose.

Love, Meghan

Thursday, July 25, 2002

Car and I missed classes yesterday and hit the road for Seattle. We had drinks and went to see Jeff’s film that I was in. I didn’t even cringe when I was onscreen. Sis came with Andrew, Sarah, and Hannah. It was thoughtful of them to come.

Carson and I told people of our plans. Jeff looked sad when he heard but everyone else was excited.

Sis gave me a blender as a belated birthday present. She told Mom and Dad about Vegas. They’re not mad. They want to go. That got Carson and me thinking. We’ll do the official ceremony in Vegas and have a celebration in Seattle when we get back.

After the film, Carson and I met Angela on the Ave. I can’t believe what is going and I wish Angela wasn’t leaving. Carson and I are getting married. Cassidy is pregnant. Sadie is a lesbian. Angela’s going to grad school.

This morning in the kitchen, Carson and I hugged and listened to Movie Star Girl. We sang to each other: Trust is what to true love is about. To open up your house to the sun. Afraid but turning cold into warm. I feel like crying when I hear it. Some serious crying impends but not yet. I’m reveling in awe for now.

Ryan Adams is coming to Seattle a few days before we leave for Vegas. I want to see the show. We discussed places we want to go on our road trips to and from Nevada. We want to visit Margo in Yellowstone. I can’t wait to roll through and tell her the news. I like that she can only communicate through hand-written letters, so old-fashioned. My soul is on its true path.

Angela told us about her parents’ divorce. Her dad cheated on her mom for 26 years. Carson and I talked about how stories like these make us feel more convicted about our choice to marry each other. We’ll be hermits and socialites at revolving intervals.

I was exhausted while we were at the pub last night. Car and I split one of Angela’s Adderalls. I told my landlord that Carson and I are getting married and asked if I can put him on the lease and renew it. He was cool about it.

On our drive home last night, Carson and I listened to The Boss and Ryan Adams and sang along. We talked about my past relationships. When we got home, we sat on the steps outside and smoked cigs and I cried because I can’t understand why I didn’t wait and watch and hold out for Carson. What does it mean that I was in other relationships?

Carson told me that he used to have a hang up about that sort of thing but with me, he doesn’t. He said we have arrived at this place with each other but have come through different paths. He hasn’t ever been in a serious relationship. It’s different from my experience. But here we are.

We got ready for bed and I read him excerpts from The Prophet. We fell to sleep and went to theory class this morning.

Carson’s friend Tanner approached us on campus. He found out about the wedding a couple days ago. He said, I think it’s a terrible idea. It’s totally fucked up and you guys don’t know what you’re doing. Thanks for the support, bro. He told Carson that he’s only saying this because he loves him and no one else will tell him what Tanner will. He got accusatory and judge-y with me and said, Didn’t you just break up with someone? I said, You don’t know me and you don’t know the circumstances. He said, Well, it’s fucked up. Don’t give me this year and a half crap, presumably referring to how long Carson and I have known each other.

Tanner said he loves Carson but he can’t support this because it doesn’t make sense. We thanked him for his input and said, We’re happy. We’re not going to get defensive or make excuses. Carson and I talked for a minute after Tanner walked away. We parted until Shakespeare class, where we wrote notes back and forth like grade-schoolers. We’ve got one week left of school and then it will solely be work, freedom, and the insanity that will be August.

We went to La Fiamma with Sadie and Stephen earlier. I love them. Sadie is seeing a girl and she’s happy. She seems to have found herself. We are close again. Carson and I are surrounded by good people. His friend Elliott cried when he found out about the wedding because he is happy for us. I talked to Scott yesterday and he is supportive of us.

I’m waiting for Skyler to show so we can chill before I have to work. I want to describe Carson as I am seeing him but I don’t have the words. He is warmth and light.

Love, Meghan

Saturday, July 27, 2002

I’m at the old hideout: Cap Hansen’s. I miss Angela. She is my darling. We sat in a booth here one day and read poems to each other.

I’m tired. I’m on my period and I feel like nutrients are draining out of my body. I woke up at Carson’s and we lay around until he had to go to work.

Craig, Carson’s brother, hung out with us and then I went to Mykonos, Sadie’s restaurant. Skyler and Cassie met me and we ate, drank, and played cards. I love them. They are supportive. I joked about Carson and me wanting to adopt Angela, Ryan Adams, and Lyle Lovett. I told Cass we’ll also adopt her and Sylvie so we can be one big family.

I talked to Mom and Dad yesterday. They sound … hesitant? Dad was cool and sounds great about it but I can tell Mom has reservations.

Car and I spent yesterday together. We did homework in the computer labs and then went to Old Fairhaven to do laundry and eat at the Black Cat. While we folded clothes, Car asked if there is a washer and dryer in my apartment building. I said yes and he said, Well, let’s go to laundromats anyway. I concurred. Laundromats and grocery stores - they make you feel better somehow.

We cried at dinner over wine and cigs. Carson has been here for me and I was distant for a long time. Charlie made me sad all the time and Carson was there, smiling, able to make me feel better. I didn’t know then that behind the smile was a well of tears that could break like a dam. Carson is selfless.

I know he looked at me sometimes and felt sad, not because he couldn’t be with me but because he knew I was sad. He said it was difficult because he likes Charlie but couldn’t see how Charlie and I were together when I often said things that conveyed to Carson that I didn’t know Charlie at all.

It pissed Carson off because, per him, not only was Charlie uncommunicative, cold, and uninterested, but he didn’t express any desire to be different. He didn’t engage when people around him were having fun, enjoying themselves, and opening up to each other.

Every day, I wake up and feel blessed for another day to know Carson.

We left the Cat and went to The Keg to meet Carson’s friends, Hudson and Stephanie, and Stephanie’s friend Liza. Craig, Scott, and a few more of their friends came by, too. Scott is one of the only members of that entourage whom I feel comfortable with. Elliott and Dodd are sweet to me but they have their doubts.

Tanner showed up with his girlfriend. Tension. I had to get to work and couldn’t find Carson. I waited for him to come back and it took a while so I went to find him because he was my ride. When I did, he was talking to Tanner. I put my hand on Carson’s arm so I wouldn’t interrupt their conversation. Tanner turned to me and said, Could you give us a minute? I said, I’ll give you all the minutes you want. Carson is taking me to work and if we don’t leave now, I’m going to be late. And you don’t need to be short with me. While we’re at it, you don’t know me or my past. My life is none of your business. If you love Carson as much as you say you do, you’d stop being a judgmental prick. He said, Okay. I’m sorry. He didn’t expect me to call him out.

Work was busy. Carson came with Craig, and their friends met him there. Tanner pisses me off. He has other beef with Carson (which is not my business) and he’s adding me to his ever-growing list of bones to pick and judgements to make. I hope I didn’t make Car uncomfortable with what I said to Tanner but he knows me well