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    Urban Myths
    Urban Myths
    Urban Myths
    Ebook217 pages5 hours

    Urban Myths

    By Albert Jack

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    About this ebook

    From the Author of the Internationally Bestselling Books - Red Herrings & White Elephants, Shaggy Dogs, Pop Goes the Weasel, What Caesar did for My Salad & They Laughed at Galileo.

    Hundreds of the world's famous Urban Myths and Legends. 'Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?'

    From stolen kidneys to phantom hitchhikers and the missing brain of JFK, we all love a good urban legend (the more extreme the better), but sometimes they end suspiciously neatly, however much the teller swears they know the person it happened to. 

    And it’s not just word of mouth; we are bombarded by chain letters and emails, newspaper articles and TV programmes all spinning stories of ghosts and revenge, of bizarre scientific breakthroughs, of political cover-ups and conspiracy theories. But where do these stories come from? Are any of them actually true? 

    Does Coca Cola own Santa Claus? Whatever happened to the Millennium bug? Are there alligators in the sewers? Was Winston Churchill a Druid? And why should you always double-check that your car door is locked and beware of any man with a hook? 

    Albert Jack's quest for the truth has led him right round the world and throughout history and he has discovered all kinds of unforgettable, hilarious facts and even stranger stories. From pop stars to musical breast implants, reality will never be the same again. Prepare to enter the dark world of the urban legend.

    Stories include;

    The Famous Hooked Hand
    The Vanishing Hitchhiker,
    Body under the Mattress,
    The Kidney Theft
    Buried Alive
    The Fatal Hairdo
    The Boyfriend Death
    Babysitter and the Man Upstairs
    Aren’t You Glad You Didn’t Turn On The Light?
    Walt Disney is Cryogenically Frozen
    Mick Jagger and David Bowie were Lovers
    Van Halen and the Brown M&Ms
    Alligators in the Sewers
    Killer in the Backseat
    Bloody Mary and Hundreds more..............

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAlbert Jack
    Release dateFeb 25, 2018
    ISBN9781386329985
    Urban Myths

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      Book preview

      Urban Myths - Albert Jack

      Albert Jack

      Albert Jack Publishing

      Copyright Page

      Urban Legends

      Short Stories: Urban Myths & Legends

      (2017 Paperback Edition)

      Copyright ©December 2017 Albert Jack

      Cover Art: Albert Jack Publishing

      Cover Design: Albert Jack Publishing

      All rights are reserved to the author. no part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

      This is largely a work of fiction although the author could not resist the temptation to be creative with historical detail wherever possible. Any reference to any real life character or name used is purely coincidental, for the most part. However, some of these tales are true.

      Albert Jack Publishing

      PO Box 661

      Seapoint

      Cape Town

      South Africa

      albertjack.com

      albertjackchat (Facebook & Twitter)

      About the Author

      Albert Jack is a writer and historian. His first book, Red Herrings and White Elephants explored the origins of well-known idioms and phrases and became an international bestseller in 2004. It was serialised by the Sunday Times and remained in their bestseller list for sixteen straight months. He followed this up with a series of bestsellers including Shaggy Dogs and Black Sheep, Pop Goes the Weasel and What Caesar did for My Salad.

      Fascinated by discovering the truth behind the world’s great stories, Albert has become an expert in explaining the unexplained, enriching millions of dinner table conversations and ending bar-room disputes the world over. He is now a veteran of hundreds of live television shows and thousands of radio programmes worldwide. Albert lives somewhere between Guildford in England and Cape Town in South Africa.

      ––––––––

      Other Books By Albert Jack

      Red Herrings and White Elephants

      Shaggy Dogs and Black Sheep

      Phantom Hitchhikers

      Loch Ness Monsters and other Mysteries Solved

      Pop Goes the Weasel

      The Old Dog and Duck

      What Caesar did for My Salad

      Its a Wonderful Word

      Money for Old Rope  Part 1

      American History

      The Jam: Sounds from the Street

      Want To Be a Writer? Then Do it Properly

      New World Order

      9/11 Conspiracy

      Rose Versus Thistle

      They Laughed at Galileo

      Including tales of;

      1: Revenge

      2: Tales of the Rich and Famous

      3: Not Such a Good Idea

      4: The Daily Grind

      5: Love is a Dangerous Business

      6: The Unbelievable Truth

      7: Animal Crackers

      8: On Both Sides of the Law

      9: Sporting Life

      10: Holiday Snaps

      11: The American Presidency

      12: Look Behind You

      13: Historically Speaking

      14: Intellectually Challenged

      15: That’s Entertainment

      16: The Appliance of Science

      Introduction

      The subject of urban myths and legends is one I have been interested in for a couple of years now. It occurred to me, one day at lunch with friends on the Isle of Dogs, that many long rambling conversations (and ours are certainly long and always rambling) will include a tall tale or two. One person will then be reminded of a story he or she once heard which is then presented as near or actual fact. The story will be introduced like this: ‘That reminds me of a story I once heard . . .’ or ‘I remember my uncle/aunt/sister/hairdresser telling me what happened to a friend of theirs . . .’

      So urban legends are easy to spot and always have a ring of truth about them. The events they describe could happen or might have happened to any of us. Each of us could have been as unfortunate or stupid as the character(s) in the story, and that is one of the reasons we all enjoy urban legends so much: that the misfortune involved didn’t happen to us but to somebody else. And that makes us laugh. The stories come in many different forms. Some involve ghostly goings on, some are about love found or lost.

      Some centre on plain stupidity and some on unfortunate coincidences, although some do have happy endings. The connecting feature is that all are told and then retold and come back around in altered forms, and all of them are passed around by word of mouth or, especially these days, via the internet, where they spread like wildfire. These ‘legends’ (so-called ‘urban,' although they don’t need to have an urban setting) are the modern-day version of medieval folklore and all of the anecdotes in this collection can be recited the next time you are at lunch, dinner or in the pub with friends. They can make even the most unimaginative person seem interesting, I promise. They seem to be working for me, at any rate.

      I should point out here that many of the tales told in this collection are probably not true and that any names given, apart from when they are used to back up evidence in genuine accounts, are made up, by me. So, for example, if there really is a Peter Patsalides who worked at the World Trade Centre in New York prior to 11 September 2001 (see Caught with his Trousers Down), then I am not suggesting he was having an affair because that is also the name of a friend of mine, the one who told me the story in the first place. So please don’t sue and leave me penniless if your marriage collapses as a result of something I have written. I am sure many of the stories included must be untrue, despite their ring of truth, but that is part of the fun of urban legends: any one of them could be true and it is up to us to decide for ourselves what to believe and what not to.

      Some well-known urban legends are bound to be missing from this book, but they may well pop up in a second volume if this one proves to be popular. It is only meant to be a little bit of fun and perhaps to provoke some thought and conversation. Anything that does that must be a good thing and also, reading this book and reciting a few of the tales might make you more popular – you never know.

      Albert Jack

      Bangkok - August 2017

      REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD

      The Seafood Effect

      June was not a happy lady. Just before Christmas in 1998 her husband Mike had left her to start a new life with her closest friend. June spent the whole winter alone in the house until the day she received a letter from a divorce lawyer, asking for possession so that Mike and her old friend could move back in. That was when she planned her revenge. She replied, offering vacant possession, on the condition the house was sold and the proceeds split between the two. The evening before she was due to move out June invited her real friends around for a lavish ‘Last Supper.'  The following morning she carefully unscrewed the ends of the metal curtain rails in all the rooms and filled the cavity with half-eaten prawns, shells and spoonfuls of caviar, after which she picked up the rest of her belongings and left the home she loved.

      A few weeks later the new couple noticed a lingering smell. It became worse as the days passed. They paid to have the house professionally cleaned from top to bottom, the air vents and floorboards checked for dead rats and air purifiers installed in every room, but still the smell grew worse. Before long the workmen were refusing to enter the house and, as potential buyers were failing to make it past the front door before they fled, the estate agents suggested taking the property off the market until the smell had been removed.

      Eventually the couple had to retreat to a hotel before taking on a huge loan and buying another house. Soon afterwards, as chance would have it, June phoned Mike to enquire how the house sale was progressing and listened as her cheating husband made up a story about the depressed housing market and how he had been unable to find a buyer. He was amazed when his former wife offered to buy his share, for a substantially reduced amount. Seizing the chance to burden his ex with the mysteriously smelling house, he accepted a nominal payment for his half share, but not without one last act of meanness. On the day of the transfer June pulled up with her removal men just in time to find Mike’s men stripping the house of the last fixtures and fittings to be taken and installed at his new home down to the light bulbs, carpets, curtains and .....curtain rails. June’s plan had worked to perfection.

      The Better Man

      This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. During the reception afterwards the groom got up on stage to deliver his speech. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family for all attending.

      ––––––––

      To show his personal appreciation he announced there was a gift from him to everyone and taped to the bottom of each chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everybody and told them to open it.

      Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his bride giving the best man oral sex in their back garden. (He had become suspicious and hired a private detective to follow her) As the wedding guests gasped in shock, the groom turned to his new bride and announced he was leaving her. The marriage was annulled the following day.

      Revenge is a Cheap Jaguar

      Early one morning a teenage garage mechanic in Godalming, Surrey was looking through his local paper for a cheap second hand car and feasted his eye upon one small advert that puzzled him. ‘Jaguar XK8 For Sale, two-years old, perfect condition, leather interior and Sat Nav - only, only £200.' Believing it to be a misprint that should have read at least  £20,000 he moved onto to other adverts but his attention kept drifting back to the Jaguar until he finally made up his mind to telephone the number included. An elegant sounding lady answered and confirmed he was the first caller and that the car was indeed only £200.

      Still puzzled he drove to the address she gave and found himself at a large country house with landscaped gardens, tennis courts and a pool. Outside the garage was a shiny black Jaguar XK8 being polished by the gardener. The V8 engine purred and the car was in mint condition so on checking the price again the mechanic quickly handed over £200 and promptly received the keys and logbook. He couldn’t believe his luck but had to ask, ‘why are you selling the car so cheaply, surely you must know it is worth much more?’ The lady hesitated and then decided no harm could be done if she explained the story. ‘A few years ago,' she told him, ‘I met the perfect man. He was tall, attractive and owned a very successful publishing business. We got married, moved into this house and everything was perfect for three years.

      Then, he employed a beautiful, young sexy PR executive and before I knew it they were having an affair. I found out about a month ago and when I confronted him he admitted everything, packed his bags and left, just like that. Then, last week, I received a letter from his lawyer confirming I could keep the house and all the money and, as long as he could keep his business, he was happy to rebuild his personal life with his new partner but there was one condition. As he didn’t want to come back to the house and face me I was told I had to sell his Jaguar, keep half the money and forward the balance onto him to use as a deposit for a new car, so that is exactly what I am doing.'

      Mind Your Manners

      In Weybridge, Surrey an elegant lady was patiently waiting for a parking space at the shopping centre near the old Brooklands Race Track. After a short while she noticed a man walking to his car and so she pulled closer in order to use the space as he left. But as he did so an arrogant youngster nipped past her and forced his boy-racer Escort into the empty bay ahead of her. The lady wound her window down, ‘Young man, I have been waiting for that space.'

      ‘Sorry old girl,' came the reply, ‘but that’s what happens when you are young and quick.' With that the lady positioned her Mercedes and reversed as fast as she could, smashing the tow bar straight through the front of the escort, destroying the radiator and the entire front end. As the car sat hissing and leaking water all over the car park the youngster stood in amazement. ‘You can’t do that,' he stammered. ‘Yes you can,' came the reply, ‘you can when you are old and rich.'

      Hunter’s Revenge

      Three friends are out for a weekend’s hunting and they stopped by at a remote farm to ask the farmer’s permission to hunt on his land. The farmer happily granted permission but asked the man to shoot the old bull in the top field as he had been planning to get rid of it.  The hunter went back to the car and decided to play a trick on his friends. He told them the angry farmer had denied them permission so they set off to find another location. As they passed the top field the hunter saw the bull. With that he stopped the car, pulled out his rifle and shot the bull dead. ‘That will teach the miserable old sod a lesson.’ He exclaimed. And his friends also pulled out their rifles but before he could stop them they shot three of the cows dead as well, ‘That will really teach him a lesson,’ they said.

      Dearly Departed

      Many people have been tempted to have cryptic messages carved onto either their own headstones or to that of loved ones. Spike Milligan famously requested the line, in his native Gaelic, ‘Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite.’  In English this becomes ‘I told you I was ill.’ His headstone was finally erected in 2004 St Thomas' Church in Winchelsea, East Sussex and is typical of the great man’s humour. Some messages, however, are not so funny and while graveyard owners or The Church usually forbid acrimony on headstones, there are ways of overcoming the rules. Such as in the case of John Laird McCaffery who died on 14th August 1995. The stonemason carving the inscription claims he did not notice the hidden message when the deceased man’s wife and mistress placed the order for the stone together. They claimed the poem was a personal matter between only the three of them. It reads;

      John

      Free Your Body And Soul

      Unfold Your Powerful Wings

      Climb Up The Highest Mountains

      Kick Your Feet Up In The Air

      You May Now Live Forever

      Or Return To This Earth

      Unless You Feel Good Where You Are

      Reading the first letter of each line vertically will reveal the true message to poor old John. The offending headstone can be found at Section C, Plot 01369 of Montreal's Cimetière Notre-Dame-des-Neiges.

      Other famously funny epitaphs include;

      Sir Winston Churchill. ‘I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.’

      And

      John Brown – Dentist. ‘Stranger approach this spot with gravity, for John Brown is filling his last cavity.’

      The Guildford Gypsies

      The A3 is a major and historic road in the south of England linking London to the port of Portsmouth, the traditional home of the British Navy. For centuries travellers have used the route, which has consistently been modified, updated, altered and improved. As the modern road passes Guildford and climbs the Hog’s Back we reach the ancient Gypsy site that the engineers bulldozed through in a road widening scheme to include a bridge that would filter traffic away from the A3 and along the Hog’s Back towards Farnham. Work began in 1973 and technical problems delayed the opening by a full year. Only months after the bridge finally did open, in 1976, freak rainstorms wrecked the drainage and the road was promptly closed again. This was the time the legend of the Gypsy Curse began circulating and locals believed the bridge would never be safe.

      An anonymous letter to The Times warned ‘They are wasting ratepayers money if they try and shore up the bridge over the A3 because that bridge has a gypsy curse on it.’  Local reporter Jane Garrett investigated and Gypsy community leader Jasper Smith told her in 1980 that his grandmother often told him stories of the gypsy curse condemning the Guildford end of the Hog’s Back. He claimed nothing engineers could do would ever resolve the problems. ‘After five years or so it will go wrong again.’ He warned.

      ‘Apparently there was a lot of trouble with the police here years ago,’ he continued. ‘Some of the gypsies were prosecuted and sent to prison for being camped there illegally.’ Locals have confirmed that a gypsy camp did used to occupy that area and they all were evicted to make way for a road-widening scheme. The eviction is believed to be the time the prosecutions came about and the curse placed on the land.

      In reality the bridge was closed soon after it was opened 1976 and reopened again in 1979. It was closed again that year until 1982 after major repairs and closed again in 1986, 1992 and 1994 for major repair work. Many locals believe in the gypsy curse and have refused to travel over or under the bridge. Stories have circulated that one-day the cursed bridge will

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