Faithful: Volume Five

Faithful: The Journals of Meghan McDonnell

Volume Five

Meghan McDonnell

Copyright 2016 Meghan K. McDonnell

Discover other Titles by Meghan McDonnell:

Minor: Volume One

Novice: Volume Two

Limbo: Volume Three

Elsewhere: Volume Four

Faithful: Volume Five

Vespers: Volume Six

Onward: Volume Seven

Sojourn: Volume Eight

Ingress: Volume Nine

Note

All names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. I have solely recorded my interpretations and opinions of all events. Certain place names have been changed. Aside from minor edits, all else is as I wrote it at the time. If you’re new to the journals, welcome. If you’re a veteran, thank you for coming back for more. You’ll find links to songs, books, films, and more throughout the text, and a playlist at the end.

Contents

January 2001

February 2001

March 2001

April 2001

May 2001

June 2001

July 2001

August 2001

September 2001

October 2001

Playlist

January 2001

Monday, January 1, 2001

Happy New Year. I don’t feel the change a new year should bring. I don’t see a difference or feel a clean slate. I’m at Ozzie’s because the Mecca is closed. Jeff and I went out with Stacey and her new beau a couple nights ago. I had too many martinis and got plowed. We took a cab home and after stumbling through the kitchen, I fell asleep and woke up to a hellish hangover yesterday. I worked but it was slow so I left at 10:30. Jeff and I went to Cameron and Monica’s and drank champagne on the roof to ring in the New Year. I got confused and asked Jeff if we were celebrating the year that had just passed or the one coming in. He said, Well, I think the one to come; the New Year. I hadn’t reflected on the year to come so I didn’t feel that I could celebrate whole-heartedly.

Cassidy is on the island with her cousins. I miss her. I miss my friends. I’ve enjoyed spending time with my family and Jeff over the holidays but I miss my alone time and my friends. I feel physically gross and I’m not active enough. Winter has begun and I want to go running and maintain motivation for school. I only have classes two days a week next quarter other than math which is every day at noon.

I wish I were taller. Maybe I’ll hit a growth spurt. Studies show that you can still grow taller into your 20s. I’m depressed. I’m not doing enough. I feel restless and bored.

I finished Marjorie Morningstar. The ending was depressing. Wouk showed Marjorie’s life when she was in her late 30s with a husband and four children. She never became Marjorie Morningstar. Just settled into suburban mediocrity. It was a great book but so many male characters told Marjorie she wouldn’t make it as an actress and she didn’t. The men made comments about the stupidity and frivolity of women and said that we don’t know how to think. Blah blah blah. I wonder if that propaganda was Herman Wouk, a reflection of the era, or just the characters being assholes. It annoyed me.

The Rose Bowl is on TV. In one of my anthropology text books, I saw a picture of American pro football players on a field. The caption underneath described homosexual undertones and symbolism in that game. I told my folks about it while we were watching the game and they got pissed off. It amused me. Football is so manly-man and yet I get the sense that the players feel threatened about anything counter to their hetero masculinity. For a book to just come right out (no pun intended) and emphasize the homosexual aspects of the sport, it would probably piss football players and their (male) fans off more than any other groups. The date today reads 01.01.01. I don’t want to be here anymore but I’m waiting for Jeff to come back for me.

Love, Meghan

Thursday, January 4, 2001

Winter doldrums - uninspired, unmotivated, lethargic, and lazy. I went shopping on Tuesday and bought perfume, a jacket, makeup, and Cassidy’s Christmas gift. I got her canvas and acrylic paints. Jeff and I went to Jared’s grandparents’ house that night to have dinner with Elizabeth and Jared. It was great. We ate, drank, and played cards. Elizabeth helped me draft a resume for Cassidy’s coffee shop. I ran errands and washed the car before Stephen and I drove to Bellingham yesterday.

When I got to my apartment, I set up my stereo and cleaned the place. Stephen and I had dinner and then I went to see Cass. We opened our presents to and from each other. I was excited to give her the paints and canvas. She spoiled me. She made me a beautiful silk satchel. She gave me a candle in a silver espresso cup with a saucer. And she gave me the millennium edition of Trivial Pursuit and a New York Times crossword companion. She’s a doll. We played Trivial Pursuit and I helped her clean up and close the coffee shop. We went to the Wagon Wheel for a beer and played Crupette. Stephen came over to my apartment after that. We drank wine and sorted through CDs I could sell for quick money.

It was hard to leave bed this morning because my down comforter is so comfortable. I borrowed Stephen’s power drill to install a towel rack in the bathroom and to hang the star lamp John gave to me. I made tea and cleaned up and Cassie came over. We walked to the Wagon Wheel for breakfast. After that, I drove to her coffee shop, breezed in, introduced myself to the owner and said, I’m here to be hired for a job. He laughed and said he won’t be hiring for a week or two.

Cass, Nina, Stephen, and I went to see Dancer in the Dark. Bjork is a genius. I admire her more than I already did. The movie disturbed me. I admire women who have power and gentleness and drive, who have a comfort with themselves and a willingness that I often feel like I have but haven’t cultivated enough yet. I wonder when my time to embrace those qualities in me will come. When will I exercise and give voice to them? It’s a daily process.

I bought a book about art and commerce. The introduction states that the designer looks at everything in terms of how can I improve this? That’s me.

Love, Meghan

Friday, January 5, 2001

Despite that today’s main mission was a date with the magistrate to contest a ticket I got for not having proof of insurance, the day has gone in my favor. I recognize and appreciate it and will recall it when I have a bad day. I’m in Seattle, drinking a pint at Elephant & Castle before I get a massage. Liz gave me a gift certificate for one at Christmas.

I woke up this morning and cleaned, did laundry, and showered. Saul is going to pay me for work I did a while ago. People told me that I would have to pay for a meeting with the magistrate even though I didn’t do anything wrong. Dad wrote out a check for it. I didn’t have to pay and I’m so happy I can give the check back to him instead of adding it to my debts. I can pay John back. I can get a haircut. I need one in a major way. It feels good to be taking care of necessities. I called the phone company and negotiated with them so they won’t turn off my phone service. I got the paperwork together to send to the hospital so insurance will cover my appendectomy. I need to pay my phone bill and my $8 power bill and I’ll be set. I need a job.

I’m looking forward to a massage. I’ve been tight and tense. I considered cashing in the gift certificate for cash since I need the money. But Jeff told me that Elizabeth meant for me to do something nice for myself. He made the point that there will always be ways to pay the bills but how often will I kick down to nurture myself. He’s right.

I took Christmas lights down to storage earlier and found a cheesy 1970s book about how to understand and listen to your wife. There was a list of 100 things that contribute to a happy marriage. I read the first 30 and thought that Jeff fulfills each one. That’s easy to say. We’ve been together for seven months.

I read a story in the book about a man who sat watching TV one day. His wife and their kids came in to join him and they were all eating sandwiches. He was pissed off because his wife didn’t make one for him (selfish prick). He cleared his throat loudly and obnoxiously to have his wife look over, realize her oversight, and rush to make a sandwich for him. She didn’t notice or acted like she didn’t (key words: acted like; the idiot thought she was oblivious). He got up and made his own damn sandwich. A few days later, he asked her why she hadn’t made him one. He went on and on about it. She told him every time she makes food for him, he criticizes it and she just didn’t feel like being criticized that day.

This type of shit is common. There are so many reasons this story annoys me. That man is selfish, stupid, unaware, critical, and undeserving. I’m glad Jeff has none of those qualities. I don’t want to spoil my mood with thoughts of inconsiderate men.

I’ve been in a great mood. If anyone ever happens upon this journal, they are going to barf about how boring I am: paying bills and 1970s save-your-marriage books. I’ll be more fun tomorrow, but for now, it’s time for a massage.

Love, Meghan

Monday, January 8, 2001

I’ve been lazy about writing. I’ve had dialogue in my head that I should have written down as it came to me. I hope it’s not gone forever. I’m out of the habit of writing everything that comes to me. I don’t know when it started but I don’t feel as free to sit down and write as I used to. I feel confined but I don’t know how or why.

I went to Hoyt’s with Jeff yesterday. He was excited about the trailer for his movie and other projects. He talked about moving to LA or New York within the year. I got a familiar sting of heart ache but I told myself, Don’t freak out and get sad and weird and scared.

I wonder if I’ve gotten into the old pattern of being with someone and relying on them for my life’s purpose and meaning. I don’t know that I’m doing that. I did it with Lucas. I didn’t need to do it with Roman because he was often vacant. I wrote a lot when he and I were seeing each other.

Thinking about this, I sang "Immature by Bjork. The lyrics fit: How could I be so immature? How extremely lazy of me to think he could replace the missing elements in me." I don’t think she sings this to dog on her man or their relationship. But she realizes she must have her own life and do her thing, to seek and act, instead of putting her energy into one thing: him. I relaxed about Jeff’s plans. I’m not going to mess this up. I don’t need to worry.

I have been trippin’ about women, him, old paranoia, insecurity, jealousy. I no longer believe they mean love. They mean paranoia, insecurity, and jealousy. I do love Jeff and we don’t have time or room for that junk. I told him that I love him. It makes me happy but it scares me. I don’t like to feel needy or clingy. He is good to me and does not deserve distrust from me. He brought me roses yesterday and bought me pads at the store. Where did he come from? I feel consumed with love and desire for him and it scares me. We’ve known each other for a year now. We watched movies last night. Before we fell asleep, we talked about scary stories, ghosts, and serial killers. It scared me but I was glad to be next to Jeff.

We went to a party with Tim, Cameron, and Monica on Saturday night to drink, dance, and watch fire blowers. Jeff and I pretended that we had just met. We went into the bathroom when we were ready to leave the party. I pretended to be passed out and Jeff carried me outside in his arms. Earlier, he had asked a stranger if he thought Jeff had a chance with me. The guy said, Yeah, man. You made her laugh. I think you can do it. Jeff told me that when he walked out of the party with me in his arms, the guy looked shocked, and worried for me.

School starts tomorrow. I need a job. I need to stay focused on school and give myself time to write and dream. I have stopped thinking about what I want to do with my life. I don’t know why but I don’t like it. It’s good that I’m more focused on the present but I don’t want that to be at the cost of my future.

It’s going to be hard to be away from Jeff. He’s an angel. I’m on my way to kiss him and hit the road for Bellingham.

Love, Meghan

Tuesday, January 9, 2001

I feel listless, purposeless, unmotivated, and confused. This leads me to think I’m lacking something, I want something I’m not getting, or I’m not paying attention to something important. I need to list out what I want and make a promise that I will immediately pursue it to begin creating the life I want. And no, this isn’t some bullshit New Year resolution junk. I want to drink enough water. I want to go to all my classes, read all I can, study hard, do as well as I can (which means getting only As). I want to run. I want to dance with no insecurities, awkwardness, apprehension, or boredom. It is dancing: celebration, movement.

I want to write every day. I want to laugh. I want to work. I want to be compensated well for my work. I want to use my precious time. I want to recognize and remember how blessed I am - how much I have been given, how much my parents care for me in every possible way even when it’s hard for them. I want to find ways to give to people and care for them without sacrificing the core of myself.

I want to see my friends. I want to be alone sometimes. I want to go for more walks. I want to get enough sleep. I want to love Jeff with a pure, honest, and genuine heart. I want to be a stranger to jealousy, insecurity, distrust, and fleeting lust. I want to realize there are no barriers. I want to conquer math (algebra specifically). I want to learn more about art. I want to get back into writing poetry.

I’ve got to wake up early tomorrow and get my affairs sorted out. Nina is driving to Seattle on Thursday and I’m going with her so I can see Jeff. We’ll come back for Friday classes. Mom left me a kind message tonight. I love her and Dad so much.

I’ve been down but it’s just because I have been ignoring myself and what I want. No more. I am going to get a job and study my arse off. I’m going to organize my time and love every minute of my fortunate life.

Love, Meghan

Wednesday, January 10, 2001

I walked down to the Wagon. It’s a gorgeous day. I’ve been taping music from Stephen: Built to Spill, The Dismemberment Plan, and Town & Country. I like "Else" by Built to Spill. It’s sad and nostalgic.

I had my first dance class today and I loved it. I’m excited to go back. Nicole Mason is in the class, too. I went to math class and I am already lost. I’ll be doing most of my homework at the tutorial center. I need a job.

I talked to Mom last night about feeling down. I don’t have time to waste on it. I need a nap.

I had a great talk with Sadie when we went out the other night. She told me she and Skyler talk about how I do so many activities, take creative classes (dance, acting, pottery, etc.), and I throw myself into everything. We talked about how skewed your perceptions can be about yourself, your life, and what you’re doing.

I miss Skyler. We talked the other night. Whenever I miss her, I think about how much I relate to where she’s at: away from school and friends, living with the folks, working, and going to bars.

I don’t want to feel empty. I need to reinvest myself in school. I met a nasty older man last night at the library. He teaches at Western. He wanted to take me out to dinner and he called me today. I knew he had a cell phone and as I answered, I had a feeling it was him so I hung up on him. He called back and left a message. It was static-y and I couldn’t hear his number. As if I would use it had I been able to. Why does being nice turn into being unnecessarily pursued? It drives me nuts. I’ve got homework.

Love, Meghan

(later) I’m studying and reading for my poetry class. Prof. McCann wants us to remember and write down our dreams. I just thought of part of one from last night: my family and I were staying in a tropical place (Mexico?) in a hotel with cabanas. I needed money. Dad knew this and wanted to give me some. He said he was going out. Later, I decided to follow him. I walked outside past other cabanas and saw a restaurant. When I got to it, I saw my Dad inside. He was bussing tables. I was embarrassed, like, What the hell are you doing working as a busboy? What if people we know see you? Then I felt more ashamed and awful than I have ever felt when I realized that embarrassment was the farthest emotion I should be feeling. I should have felt proud and grateful. I should have hugged him and taken his apron from him, shooed him out the door, and taken over the job. Because I knew he was out of money and took work at the restaurant to earn money to give to me. It dawned on me that he is the most selfless, giving man in the whole world. Anyway. Back to the books.

Love, Meghan

Thursday, January 18, 2001

I feel down. It’s the weather and I’m not in top health. I got viciously sick over the weekend and I feel gross. I wish I’d written sooner.

On Friday, I intended to sleep and relax up in Bellingham. Instead, I went to see Cassidy at the coffee shop. We played Trivial Pursuit with Aidan and Ryan as our opponents. We supposedly lost (I call bullshit) and so had to buy them tickets for all of us to see Traffic. It was sad and slow in parts. Benicio del Toro is a badass, beautiful actor. Ryan and Aidan and a couple other dudes came over. We drank beers and Jack Daniels. It’s fun to hang out with a group of males after spending time primarily with females. Two of them slept in my living room.

One of my favorite things in this world is inviting people into my environment and making them feel at home, welcome, and comfortable. I wrote a few drunken lines about that night, before falling asleep. The guys at my place that night are homeless and couch surfing until they find a place to land. I found it endearing, funny, and classic for some reason.

I love the song "You are Invited by The Dismemberment Plan. The last line I wrote about those boys was: They are invited. That song says, Be who you are. You are invited to bust out with and say or do whatever the hell you want. We need to see/hear/feel and know your visions." It doesn’t actually say that but that’s my interpretation.

I drove to Seattle that weekend and spent most of it with Jeff and sleeping/recuperating. We didn’t have classes that Monday so I came back up on Tuesday. I’ve been in oblivion these past days - sickness and medicine. They mess with my head. I feel trapped in a dream world, but not necessarily a peaceful and beautiful one that I have any control over. We’re focusing on that in my poetry class: the subconscious, unconscious, the subtle (which can be more powerful and intense than the overt - but I’ve always sensed that).

My art history class is wonderful. I dig the professor. I thought she was dry at first but she’s grown on me. I’m involved in my classes but I feel I’m slacking. I need the first week or two of a new quarter to feel out what I’m in for.

Anne Undine and Nicole Mason are in my art history class, too. Math is giving me trouble but I’m trying to overcome it. My dance class is rad. I love it. My classes are so different this quarter. Last quarter, it was about learning the world, arguing points, analyzing heavy issues. This quarter is like, Let’s read this poem aloud and enjoy the wonderful sounds. Let’s look at this gorgeous painting and admire its beauty and discover its form and content. Let’s solve this abstract math problem. Let’s learn a new dance sequence and enjoy moving our bodies. It’s hilarious to consider, so aesthetically pleasing.

Claire is in town and we went out to Caddyshack with her on Tuesday night. Cassie isn’t doing well. I wish she didn’t shut off when she’s struggling. She’s working hard and is overwhelmed with her job and classes. I saw her today. She has a habit of being cold to me when she’s struggling. I don’t take it personally but I wish she could see that I love her and I am here to help her. I would do anything for her. It seems to make it worse when I ask her how she is or if she wants to talk about it. But I relate to her. I recognize qualities in her that I have in myself.

Skyler called me yesterday. She’s coming here for two weeks, arriving Saturday. I’m excited. I can’t wait to see her. It’s been since July that I last did. Too long to be away from your soul/spirit sister. Queen Skyler!

I drove down to Seattle to see Jeff last night. I watched Traffic with him and we mushed. Jeff is dynamic and multi-faceted to me. He treats me well and takes good care of himself. We talked for hours and played cards at the Mecca last night. We talked about Lucas and Tracy.

I’ve been thinking about Lucas and I don’t know why. I can’t believe I still might be looking for resolution about something so obviously unresolvable. When I saw Margo at class earlier tonight, she told me she saw Terrence at the guys’ new house in town. She tried to be cool with him but he was immature and couldn’t handle it. He called her names and said shameful things to her. She socked him