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    Alonzo Fitz and Other Stories
    Alonzo Fitz and Other Stories
    Alonzo Fitz and Other Stories
    Ebook115 pages1 hour

    Alonzo Fitz and Other Stories

    By Mark Twain

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    About this ebook

    Classic Twain humor. The stories include: THE LOVES OF ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON, ON THE DECAY OF THE ART OF LYING, ABOUT MAGNANIMOUS-INCIDENT LITERATURE,THE GRATEFUL POODLE,THE BENEVOLENT AUTHOR,THE GRATEFUL HUSBAND, PUNCH, BROTHERS, PUNCH; THE GREAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIRN, THE CANVASSER'S TALE, AN ENCOUNTER WITH AN INTERVIEWER, PARIS NOTES, LEGEND OF SAGENFELD, IN GERMANY; SPEECH ON THE BABIES, SPEECH ON THE WEATHER, CONCERNING THE AMERICAN LANGUAGE, and ROGERS.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSeltzer Books
    Release dateMar 1, 2018
    ISBN9781455359882
    Author

    Mark Twain

    Mark Twain, born Samuel Langhorne Clemens, was an American humorist and writer, who is best known for his enduring novels The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which has been called the Great American Novel. 

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      Book preview

      Alonzo Fitz and Other Stories - Mark Twain

      Alonzo Fitz And Other Stories By Mark Twain

      published by Samizdat Express, Orange, CT, USA

      established in 1974, offering over 14,000 books

      Collections of Stories by Mark Twain:

      The $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories

      Alonzo Fitz and Other Stories

      The Curious Republic of Gondour and Other Whimsical Sketches

      The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg and Other Stories

      A Mysterious Stranger

      feedback welcome: info@samizdat.com

      visit us at samizdat.com

      The Loves of Alonzo Fitz Clarence and Rosannah Ethelton;

      On the Decay of the Art of Lying;

      About Magnanimous-Incident Literature (The Grateful Poodle, The Benevolent Author, The Grateful Husband);

      Punch, Brothers, Punch;

      The Great Revolution in Pitcairn;

      The Canvasser's Tale;

      An Encounter with an Interviewer;

      Paris Notes;

      Legend of Sagenfeld, in Germany;

      Speech on the Babies;

      Speech on the Weather;

      Concerining the American Language;

      Rogers

      _________________

      THE LOVES OF ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON

       It was well along in the forenoon of a bitter winter's day. The town of Eastport, in the state of Maine, lay buried under a deep snow that was newly fallen. The customary bustle in the streets was wanting. One could look long distances down them and see nothing but a dead-white emptiness, with silence to match. Of course I do not mean that you could see the silence--no, you could only hear it. The sidewalks were merely long, deep ditches, with steep snow walls on either side. Here and there you might hear the faint, far scrape of a wooden shovel, and if you were quick enough you might catch a glimpse of a distant black figure stooping and disappearing in one of those ditches, and reappearing the next moment with a motion which you would know meant the heaving out of a shovelful of snow. But you needed to be quick, for that black figure would not linger, but would soar drop that shovel and scud for the house, thrashing itself with its arms to warm them. Yes, it was too venomously cold for snow-shovelers or anybody else to stay out long.

      Presently the sky darkened; then the wind rose and began to blow in fitful, vigorous gusts, which sent clouds of powdery snow aloft, and straight ahead, and everywhere. Under the impulse of one of these gusts, great white drifts banked themselves like graves across the streets; a moment later another gust shifted them around the other way, driving a fine spray of snow from their sharp crests, as the gale drives the spume flakes from wave-crests at sea; a third gust swept that place as clean as your hand, if it saw fit. This was fooling, this was play; but each and all of the gusts dumped some snow into the sidewalk ditches, for that was business.

      Alonzo Fitz Clarence was sitting in his snug and elegant little parlor, in a lovely blue silk dressing-gown, with cuffs and facings of crimson satin, elaborately quilted. The remains of his breakfast were before him, and the dainty and costly little table service added a harmonious charm to the grace, beauty, and richness of the fixed appointments of the room. A cheery fire was blazing on the hearth.

      A furious gust of wind shook the windows, and a great wave of snow washed against them with a drenching sound, so to speak. The handsome young bachelor murmured:

      That means, no going out to-day. Well, I am content. But what to do for company? Mother is well enough, Aunt Susan is well enough; but these, like the poor, I have with me always. On so grim a day as this, one needs a new interest, a fresh element, to whet the dull edge of captivity. That was very neatly said, but it doesn't mean anything. One doesn't want the edge of captivity sharpened up, you know, but just the reverse.

      He glanced at his pretty French mantel-clock.

      That clock's wrong again. That clock hardly ever knows what time it is; and when it does know, it lies about it--which amounts to the same thing. Alfred!

      There was no answer.

      Alfred! . . . Good servant, but as uncertain as the clock.

      Alonzo touched an electric bell button in the wall. He waited a moment, then touched it again; waited a few moments more, and said:

      Battery out of order, no doubt. But now that I have started, I will find out what time it is. He stepped to a speaking-tube in the wall, blew its whistle, and called, Mother! and repeated it twice.

      Well, that's no use. Mother's battery is out of order, too. Can't raise anybody down-stairs--that is plain.

      He sat down at a rosewood desk, leaned his chin on the left-hand edge of it and spoke, as if to the floor: Aunt Susan!

      A low, pleasant voice answered, "Is that you, Alonzo?'

      Yes. I'm too lazy and comfortable to go downstairs; I am in extremity, and I can't seem to scare up any help.

      Dear me, what is the matter?

      Matter enough, I can tell you!

      Oh, don't keep me in suspense, dear! What is it?

      I want to know what time it is.

      You abominable boy, what a turn you did give me! Is that all?

      All--on my honor. Calm yourself. Tell me the time, and receive my blessing.

      Just five minutes after nine. No charge--keep your blessing.

      Thanks. It wouldn't have impoverished me, aunty, nor so enriched you that you could live without other means.

      He got up, murmuring, Just five minutes after nine, and faced his clock. Ah, said he, you are doing better than usual. You are only thirty-four minutes wrong. Let me see . . , let me see. . . . Thirty-three and twenty-one are fifty-four; four times fifty-four are two hundred and thirty-six. One off, leaves two hundred and thirty-five. That's right.

      He turned the hands of his clock forward till they marked twenty-five minutes to one, and said, Now see if you can't keep right for a while --else I'll raffle you!

      He sat down at the desk again, and said, Aunt Susan!

      Yes, dear.

      Had breakfast?

      Yes, indeed, an hour ago.

      Busy?

      No--except sewing. Why?

      Got any company?

      No, but I expect some at half past nine.

      I wish I did. I'm lonesome. I want to talk to somebody.

      Very well, talk to me.

      But this is very private.

      Don't be afraid--talk right along, there's nobody here but me.

      I hardly know whether to venture or not, but--

      But what? Oh, don't stop there! You know you can trust me, Alonzo--you know, you can.

      I feel it, aunt, but this is very serious. It affects me deeply--me, and all the family---even the whole community.

      Oh, Alonzo, tell me! I will never breathe a word of it. What is it?

      Aunt, if I might dare--

      Oh, please go on! I love you, and feel for you. Tell me all. Confide in me. What is it?

      The weather!

      Plague take the weather! I don't see how you can have the heart to serve me so, Lon.

      There, there, aunty dear, I'm sorry; I am, on my honor. I won't do it again. Do you forgive me?

      Yes, since you seem so sincere about it, though I know I oughtn't to. You will fool me again as soon as I have forgotten this time.

      No, I won't, honor bright. But such weather, oh, such weather! You've got to keep your spirits up artificially. It is snowy, and blowy, and gusty, and bitter cold! How is the weather with you?

      Warm and rainy and melancholy. The mourners go about the streets with their umbrellas running streams from the end of every whalebone. There's an elevated double pavement of umbrellas, stretching down the sides of the streets as far as I can see. I've got a fire for cheerfulness, and the windows open to keep cool. But it is vain, it is useless: nothing comes in but the balmy breath of December, with its burden of mocking odors from the flowers that possess the realm outside, and rejoice in their lawless profusion whilst the spirit of man is low, and flaunt their gaudy splendors in his face while his soul is clothed in sackcloth and ashes and his heart breaketh.

      Alonzo opened his lips to say, You ought to print that, and get it framed, but checked himself, for he heard his aunt speaking to some one else. He went and stood at the window and looked out upon the wintry prospect. The storm was driving the snow before it more furiously than ever; window-shutters were slamming and banging; a forlorn dog, with bowed head and tail withdrawn from service, was pressing his quaking body against a windward wall for shelter and protection; a young girl was plowing knee-deep through the drifts, with her face turned from the blast, and the cape of her waterproof blowing straight rearward over her head. Alonzo shuddered, and said with a sigh, "Better the slop, and the sultry

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