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    I Think Therefore I Fee: A Lawyer's Candid Confessions
    I Think Therefore I Fee: A Lawyer's Candid Confessions
    I Think Therefore I Fee: A Lawyer's Candid Confessions
    Ebook75 pages38 minutes

    I Think Therefore I Fee: A Lawyer's Candid Confessions

    By William Spaul

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    About this ebook

    I Think Therefore I Fee: A Lawyer’s Candid Confessions is a 10,000 word tour de force of rhyming verse and legal satire.

    Written by a lawyer, it educates the reader about how bad some lawyers really are, warning them to be wary of lawyers, even if they seem benign: “We may appear to be sincere, But don’t be fooled for we are schooled, In all the sorts of crime and sin, And every way to take you in”.

    The book is narrated by Mr. Guttersneak, who starts by describing his own checkered career, dating from his experiences as a law student: “When I was young, I went to uni, To have the law imparted to me. But while I often paid attention, I can’t recall a single mention, Of things that might be fair or just, I never heard such things discussed”.

    He catalogues his deceit of naïve clients, including how he “settled every case too soon, To gain his fees with greater ease, And reach the golf course prior to noon”.

    He has advice for young lawyers, such as: “Don’t be shy to tell a lie, Just look the judges in the eye, And spout your fiction with conviction” and “Don’t be frank and don’t be candid, Do be sly and underhanded, And never tell them all the story, Should your aim be legal glory”.

    He then sells out his fellow lawyers, including judges, by exposing and making fun of their various failures. For example:

    -Mr. Ignoramus, who specializes in defending the guilty: “No matter what your sin, he could save your rotten skin, and make you look legit, so the jury would acquit”;

    -The greedy Mr. Dollarsnatch: He paid no heed to those in need, he’d never been a nice guy, And built his fees through legalese, he wasn’t a concise guy, But had a grand collection and a consummate command, Of words and phrases hard to say, and hard to understand”;

    The book envisages an apocalypse and judgement day – just for lawyers: “Upon midnight there comes a light, so bright it seems like noon, A gavel pounds, its fearful sound begins their day of doom”.

    The lawyers are forced to defend themselves outside the pearly gates: “For misdeeds vile they’ll have a trial, with judgement strict of course, For all the wrong for centuries long, they wrought without remorse”.

    A few lawyers admit their wrongdoing: “How wrong we were to ever err, and how we’ve come to rue it. We wish we had not been so bad, for now we can’t undo it”.

    They promise to do better in future: “And every law and every rule in the future we foresee, Will be true to truth and fairness, we give our guarantee”.

    Most lawyers, however, try to defend or make excuses for all their wrongdoing in order to be admitted to heaven: The lawyers grin, they think they’ll win, since in defending crime, They are well read, it’s buttered bread, they do it all the time.

    They make a series of unconvincing or absurd excuses for their bad behavior, for example “We’ve bills to pay like all the rest, It costs a packet for the best. The price is steep for private schools, nor is it cheap for swimming pools”.

    The lawyers seem to be in danger of losing their case: “Their wigs now fall, and many bawl, It seems they’ll soon be toast. Their law books first to flames have burst, And most give up the ghost”. Then Mr Ignoramus takes center stage to defend the lawyers. He speaks like Nostradamus, but is he the man to plot a plan, to save their Judgement Day?

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherWilliam Spaul
    Release dateApr 7, 2018
    ISBN9780980727517
    I Think Therefore I Fee: A Lawyer's Candid Confessions
    Author

    William Spaul

    William Spaul writes high quality rhymed and rhythmical verse to entertain readers and spread ideas about altruism. William grew up on a sheep-wheat farm in Australia, represented his state in tennis during high school, and was also proficient in cricket, golf, athletics and swimming. At university and beyond he trained in Olympic weightlifting in the superheavyweight category. He has undergraduate degrees in science (pure mathematics, physics) and law, and was awarded a master of laws for his thesis on issues raised by the landmark Californian case of Nally v Grace Community Church of the Valley. He was a volunteer director and company secretary of a charity with child sponsorship programs in several countries for ten years. He currently volunteers with a telephone crisis support organization. In his spare time, he likes to play the piano and juggle. None of his writing is related to his current legal work.

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      Book preview

      I Think Therefore I Fee - William Spaul

      Prologue

      If judges jail you for no crime,

      Are they the ones who should do time?

      If lawyers curse the tree of love,

      Should they be tried in court above?

      And if their hearts have turned to gold,

      Must truth and nothing but be told?

      What is the price that would suffice,

      To punish lawyers for their vice?

      Do they deserve a paradise,

      Or somewhere hot that's not as nice?

      Preface

      Early Days

      May I say by way of intro

      Some preliminary info?

      My name is Mr Guttersneak,

      When I was young I went to uni,

      To have the law imparted to me.

      But while I often paid attention

      I can’t recall a single mention,

      Of things that might be fair or just,

      I never heard such things discussed.

      Instead I had my head instilled,

      With uninspiring legal tripe,

      And then my youthful brain was filled

      With ways to cheat of every type:

      I majored in the ways to win,

      On minor technicalities,

      I studied how to fudge and blur,

      And smudge and smear, and cast a slur,

      To modify realities,

      And strictly stick to fallacies.

      Through dint of drill in methods ill

      I learnt my expertise,

      To twist the facts, avoid contracts,

      As athletes bend the knees.

      And when I could dispute the truth,

      And shift the blame with ease,

      And knew by heart the swindler’s art,

      And was a buff on legal guff,

      And had a grip of brinkmanship,

      I won my law degrees.

      I joined the lawyers on the roll,

      A bunch of shysters, on the whole.

      We are the women and the guys,

      Who'll never reach a compromise.

      We know that when we disagree

      We're sure to get a bigger fee.

      We may appear to be sincere,

      But don’t be fooled for we are schooled,

      In all the sorts of crime and sin,

      And much rehearsed and fully versed,

      In every way to take you in.

      My Poor Clients

      My clients are a trusting lot,

      And soon I’ve got what they have not.

      I can’t believe they’re so naive,

      I rip them off and then receive

      A gift, a Christmas card, or such,

      To say they thank me for my work,

      They don't realise that I'm a jerk,

      And could have won them twice as much,

      But settled every case too soon,

      To gain my fees with greater ease,

      And reach the golf course prior to noon.

      I Think Therefore I Fee

      I like to think I’m cool and measured,

      I try to be relaxed and leisured,

      I never fly into a flurry,

      It’s never been my style to hurry.

      When plenty lies in more delay,

      It’s wise to take the longest way.

      I take my time and think about

      My fees, I mean about your case,

      Well, I’m sure you know my meaning.

      If you see me sipping coffee,

      Don’t assume I’m only drinking,

      I will probably be thinking.

      My thought of course is not for free,

      I think therefore I fee.

      And the only reason for my being

      Is so I can be feeing.

      The Law Is Made For Lawyers

      You’ll never understand the law,

      For that’s the way we’ve planned the law,

      It keeps us in demand some more,

      Enjoying the preview?
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