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    One: Valuing the Single Life
    One: Valuing the Single Life
    One: Valuing the Single Life
    Ebook161 pages6 hours

    One: Valuing the Single Life

    By Clare Payne

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    About this ebook

    More adults than ever before are now living alone—one quarter of all households in Australia are currently single-person households. They are forging new ways of having contented and connected lives.

    One gives insight to the once maligned and now increasingly chosen status of being single. It is an inspiring call to politicians, business leaders and individuals, challenging us all to recognise the worth and standing of One.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMelbourne University Publishing Ltd
    Release dateApr 30, 2018
    ISBN9780522872552
    One: Valuing the Single Life

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      Book preview

      One - Clare Payne

      Clare Payne is a globally recognised leader for her work in ethics in finance and commitment to social issues. She is a World Economic Forum Young Global Leader and has been recognised by the Australian Financial Review and Westpac as one of their 100 Women of Influence. She co-authored A Matter of Trust: The Practice of Ethics in Finance. Clare is a former employment lawyer and an accomplished marathon swimmer.

      O

      N

      E

      VALUING THE SINGLE LIFE

      Clare Payne

      MELBOURNE UNIVERSITY PRESS

      An imprint of Melbourne University Publishing Limited

      Level 1, 715 Swanston Street, Carlton, Victoria 3053, Australia

      mup-contact@unimelb.edu.au

      www.mup.com.au

      First published 2018

      Text © Clare Payne, 2018

      Design and typography © Melbourne University Publishing Limited, 2018

      This book is copyright. Apart from any use permitted under the Copyright Act 1968 and subsequent amendments, no part may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means or process whatsoever without the prior written permission of the publishers.

      Every attempt has been made to locate the copyright holders for material quoted in this book. Any person or organisation that may have been overlooked or misattributed may contact the publisher.

      Cover design by Evi O. Studio

      Typeset by Sonya Murphy, Typeskill

      Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

      9780522872545 (paperback)

      9780522872552 (ebook)

      For those with an open mind, however slightly.

      Contents

      Author’s Note

      1. SO JUST WHO IS NORMAL?

      Singled Out

      The Unspoken Demographic Shift

      A ‘Normal’ Adulthood

      The Whole Leadership Package

      2. REVALUING INDEPENDENCE

      Did Feminism Forget the Single Woman?

      The Price Singles Can Pay

      3. HARSH PERCEPTIONS

      Character Assassination

      Women and Children

      Single Men

      4. MYTHS AND MATCHES

      Dispelling the Singles Myths

      The Pursuit of Love and Sex

      5. A NEW POLICY PERSPECTIVE

      At Work

      In the Community

      Academic Blind Spots

      An Inclusive Society

      6. A GOOD LIFE

      The Value of Life

      Reflections on a Good Life

      Afterword

      Acknowledgements

      Notes

      Index

      Author’s Note

      Researching and writing about single people ended up being a bigger task than I first thought, and at times I wondered if I’d bitten off more than I could chew. I soon realised many factors are at play in how single people are perceived: some are large, some small, some societal, some specific to individual situations. Many of the topics I touch on could make for separate studies in themselves. I’ve attempted to address what I see as the biggest issues, but there are likely others some will believe I’ve missed. Regardless, I hope One gives new insights into the lives of single people and our society. I felt an urgency while researching and writing because I see a need for single people to have a greater public voice and be a bigger part of social commentary and policymaking in government, business and the community.

      As with all authors, my perspective is shaped by my own background and experiences. I’ve attempted to read and consult widely to fill the gaps in my own knowledge and challenge my own beliefs. I’ve also been conscious of focusing on the lives of single people rather than on critiquing marriage. Marriage is right for some, but this book is about those who are not married—it’s about single people.

      I hope you, the reader, will learn something from these pages, as I have. Of course, there’s much more to know, and I look forward to learning more as people respond and as the future rolls out before us. Hopefully, on reading One, we might all be a little better prepared for it.

      Clare Payne

      November 2017

      Chapter 1

      So Just Who Is Normal?

      Singled Out

      For over a decade I held a position on the board of a large not-for-profit organisation, which I’d joined when I was in my twenties. In that time I had at least three boyfriends. I also had stretches of being single, but my fellow board members, who I didn’t mix with socially, wouldn’t have known. Over the years, if they inquired as to how my boyfriend was, I would just say ‘Good’, even if I’d changed boyfriends or was single. In conversations about ‘his’ work, ‘he’ would move from one field to another. I didn’t announce break-ups or explain single periods or new relationships. Instead, I had a ‘boyfriend’ I talked about who was a mix of the boyfriends I’d had.

      When I think about why I did this, I could easily conclude it was because I didn’t want to seem ‘flighty’ or ‘unstable’, or even worse, ‘promiscuous’. But while it was about the perception of me, the desire to be seen in a certain way related to something much bigger. Through my actions, I was responding to a pressure that was much larger than me and my life. I wanted to appear that I ‘had it together’, that everything was stable on the home front, as it was supposed to be—the majority, if not all, of my fellow board members being married with children. I wanted to appear ‘adult’ and worthy of my leadership position. I wanted others to think that in life, as at work, I had good judgement.

      Of course, I was already adult, and perhaps the rest of it as well. However, I assumed my colleagues held a particular notion of a ‘proper adult life’ and I thought I wasn’t living it yet, not if I was still single or changing partners. The realisation I had obscured part of my life, and so lost opportunities for connection, understanding and empathy, led me to wonder what it meant to be an adult and what counted as a good life. After researching, and with a new-found awareness, the subtle and not-so-subtle forms of bias against everything outside the perceived norm of getting married and having children became apparent.

      Working as a professional in large law and finance firms, I’d already developed a hunch that there was a negative bias against single people, and in particular single women. As a former employment lawyer, perhaps I had a more finely tuned radar for identifying discrimination and stereotypes that disadvantaged certain groups.

      Legislation is now well established to protect people from discrimination based on sex, race, disability, sexual orientation and even marital status, although it’s most commonly assumed that protection is needed for married women, rather than women and men who are not married. Yet, despite these protections, discrimination continues to affect the lives of people every day. Calling this out should remain an area of continued focus until there are no more cases. It’s important to be constantly analysing barriers to the advancement of individuals and groups, particularly when it comes to work and how we live our lives. As a society, we must remain aware of evolving attitudes and changing patterns of behaviour, for while we focus our attention on dealing with one issue, another may be emerging. I believe this is the case with bias, and in some cases discrimination, against single people.

      Single people are singled out, from what may seem like small things, such as invasive questioning as to why someone is still single, to accusations of ‘being too picky’ or ‘selfish’, to assumptions that single people, apparently lacking the accountability of a relationship, are not responsible or trustworthy. Such assumptions have great implications, affecting everything from service in restaurants to job prospects, to managing personal finances, even the value given to a life.

      As workplaces and politicians continue to tailor initiatives and benefits to families—nuclear, that is—the single person is often forgotten. They’re seemingly invisible at a time when living single is more common than ever, and is set to become more so. Discrimination and bias based on being single might not be the worst thing that an individual suffers, but for some it will be the biggest and most distressing issue they face—as with most things, it all depends on the person. I’m not seeking to compare forms of discrimination; I’m simply seeking to establish that discrimination and bias against single people exist.

      It’s important to understand and address negative bias and unfair perceptions regarding single people, not least because there are just so many single people across the globe. They are the teachers, doctors, lawyers and social workers who help our communities to thrive. Single people are parents, aunties, uncles, godparents and grandparents, people who make the effort to keep families united. They are trusted members of our society and for many they make the best of friends. Many single people have ‘got it together’. It’s just that their ‘together’ looks different to the lives of those who have coupled.

      Valuing single life is not an issue of small significance. If we are to address the destructive dysfunction of many intimate relationships, and the cases of domestic violence that are occuring at alarming rates, regardless of socioeconomic status, then it’s essential the single life is not feared. Policies at work and which affect other parts of our lives must consider the unique position of single adults. It’s time for single people to be truly valued, certainly enough to be considered in the formation and consequences of policies. Politicians should address and appeal to not just the ‘mums and dads’ but to the many single people who contribute to society as well.

      As I moved from my twenties through to my late thirties as a single woman working in global firms in Sydney, London and New York, I became increasingly conscious of my single status. When I looked around senior management, I rarely saw a single person. In the conservative fields of law and banking, divorces were quickly met by remarriage. The more senior I got, the fewer single people I worked with, and the lack of understanding and judgements of others began to envelop my work life.

      Of course, my awareness was undoubtedly influenced by my upbringing (married parents, my three siblings married as well), religion (raised Catholic) and my social circle (many of my close friends are from my school days and few were children of divorce). I suspect I was not alone, however, in having attempted to fit into a perceived notion of what’s right, what’s best and what’s ‘normal’, even though the truth was

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