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    Departmental Ditties
    Departmental Ditties
    Departmental Ditties
    Ebook184 pages1 hour

    Departmental Ditties

    By Rudyard Kipling

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    Two volumes of verse in one file. According to Wikipedia: "Joseph Rudyard Kipling (1865 – 1936) was an English author and poet. Born in Bombay, British India (now Mumbai), he is best known for his works The Jungle Book (1894) and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi (1902), his novel, Kim (1901); his poems, including Mandalay (1890), Gunga Din (1890), If— (1910); and his many short stories, including The Man Who Would Be King (1888). He is regarded as a major "innovator in the art of the short story"; his children's books are enduring classics of children's literature; and his best works speak to a versatile and luminous narrative gift. Kipling was one of the most popular writers in English, in both prose and verse, in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.[2] The author Henry James said of him: "Kipling strikes me personally as the most complete man of genius (as distinct from fine intelligence) that I have ever known." In 1907, he was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature, making him the first English language writer to receive the prize, and to date he remains its youngest recipient. Among other honours, he was sounded out for the British Poet Laureateship and on several occasions for a knighthood, all of which he declined.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSeltzer Books
    Release dateMar 1, 2018
    ISBN9781455395149
    Departmental Ditties
    Author

    Rudyard Kipling

    Rudyard Kipling was born in India in 1865. After intermittently moving between India and England during his early life, he settled in the latter in 1889, published his novel The Light That Failed in 1891 and married Caroline (Carrie) Balestier the following year. They returned to her home in Brattleboro, Vermont, where Kipling wrote both The Jungle Book and its sequel, as well as Captains Courageous. He continued to write prolifically and was the first Englishman to receive the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1907 but his later years were darkened by the death of his son John at the Battle of Loos in 1915. He died in 1936.

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      Book preview

      Departmental Ditties - Rudyard Kipling

      DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES AND BALLADS AND BARRACK ROOM BALLADS BY RUDYARD KIPLING

      published by Samizdat Express, Orange, CT, USA

      established in 1974, offering over 14,000  books

      Books by Rudyard Kipling available from us:

      Actions and Reactions

      American Notes

      Departmental Ditties and Ballads

      Captains Courageous

      The Day's Work

      A Diversity of Creatures

      France at War

      Indian Tales

      The Jungle Book

      Just So Stories

      Kim

      Letters of Travel

      Life's Handicap, Being Stories of Mine Own People

      The Light that Failed

      The Man Who Would Be King

      Plain Tales from the Hills

      Puck of Pook's Hill

      Rewards and Fairies

      Sea Warfare

      The Second Jungle Book

      Soldiers Three

      Songs from Books

      Stalky and Company

      The Story of the Gadsby

      Traffics and Discoveries

      Under the Deodars

      Verses

      The Years Between

      feedback welcome: info@samizdat.com

      visit us at samizdat.com

      VOLUME I: DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES AND OTHER VERSES

      Departmental Ditties

      General Summary

      Army Headquarters

      Study of an Elevation, in Indian Ink

      A Legend of the Foreign Office

      The Story of Uriah

      The Post that Fitted

      Public Waste

      Delilah

      What Happened

      Pink Dominoes

      The Man Who Could Write

      Municipal

      A Code of Morals

      The Last Department

      VOLUME II BALLADS AND BARRACK -ROOM BALLADS

      The Ballad of Fisher’s Boarding-House

      As The Bell Clinks

      An Old Song

      Certain Maxims of Hafiz

      The Grave of The Hundred Head

      The Moon of Other Days

      The Overland Mail

      What The People Said

      The Undertaker’s Horse

      The Fall of Jock Gillespie

      Arithmetic on The Frontier

      The Betrothed

      A Tale of Two Cities

      VOLUME III: BALLADS AND BARRACK-ROOM BALLADS

      The Ballad of East and West

      The Last Suttee

      The Ballad of the King's Mercy

      The Ballad of the King's Jest

      The Ballad of Boh Da Thone

      The Lament of the Border Cattle Thief

      The Rhyme of the Three Captains

      The Ballad of the Clampherdown

      The Ballad of the Bolivar

      The English Flag

      Cleared

      An Imperial Rescript

      Tomlinson

      Danny Deever

      Tommy

      Fuzzy-Wuzzv

      Soldier, Soldier

      Screw-Guns

      Gunga Din

      Oonts

      Loot

      Snarleyow

      The Widow at Windsor

      Belts

      The Young British Soldier

      Mandalay

      Troopin'

      Ford O' Kabul River

      Route-Marchin'

      VOLUME I: DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES AND OTHER VERSES

      DEPARTMENTAL DITTIES

      I have eaten your bread and salt,

         I have drunk your water and wine,

      The deaths ye died I have watched beside,

         And the lives that ye led were mine.

      Was there aught that I did not share

         In vigil or toil or ease,

      One joy or woe that I did not know,

         Dear hearts across the seas?

      I have written the tale of our life

         For a sheltered people's mirth,

      In jesting guise--but ye are wise,

      And ye know what the jest is worth.

      GENERAL SUMMARY

      We are very slightly changed

      From the semi-apes who ranged

         India's prehistoric clay;

      Whoso drew the longest bow,

      Ran his brother down, you know,

         As we run men down today.

      Dowb, the first of all his race,

      Met the Mammoth face to face

         On the lake or in the cave,

      Stole the steadiest canoe,

      Ate the quarry others slew,

         Died--and took the finest grave.

      When they scratched the reindeer-bone

      Someone made the sketch his own,

         Filched it from the artist--then,

      Even in those early days,

      Won a simple Viceroy's praise

         Through the toil of other men.

      Ere they hewed the Sphinx's visage

      Favoritism governed kissage,

      Even as it does in this age.

      Who shall doubt the secret hid

      Under Cheops' pyramid

      Was that the contractor did

         Cheops out of several millions?

      Or that Joseph's sudden rise

      To Comptroller of Supplies

      Was a fraud of monstrous size

         On King Pharoah's swart Civilians?

      Thus, the artless songs I sing

      Do not deal with anything

         New or never said before.

      As it was in the beginning,

      Is today official sinning,

         And shall be forevermore.

      ARMY HEADQUARTERS

      Old is the song that I sing--

         Old as my unpaid bills--

      Old as the chicken that kitmutgars bring

      Men at dak-bungalows--old as the Hills.

      Ahasuerus Jenkins of the Operatic Own

      Was dowered with a tenor voice of super-Santley tone.

      His views on equitation were, perhaps, a trifle queer;

      He had no seat worth mentioning, but oh! he had an ear.

      He clubbed his wretched company a dozen times a day,

      He used to quit his charger in a parabolic way,

      His method of saluting was the joy of all beholders,

      But Ahasuerus Jenkins had a head upon his shoulders.

      He took two months to Simla when the year was at the spring,

      And underneath the deodars eternally did sing.

      He warbled like a bulbul, but particularly at

      Cornelia Agrippina who was musical and fat.

      She controlled a humble husband, who, in turn, controlled a Dept.,

      Where Cornelia Agrippina's human singing-birds were kept

      From April to October on a plump retaining fee,

      Supplied, of course, per mensem, by the Indian Treasury.

      Cornelia used to sing with him, and Jenkins used to play;

      He praised unblushingly her notes, for he was false as they:

      So when the winds of April turned the budding roses brown,

      Cornelia told her husband: Tom, you mustn't send him down.

      They haled him from his regiment which didn't much regret him;

      They found for him an office-stool, and on that stool they set him,

      To play with maps and catalogues three idle hours a day,

      And draw his plump retaining fee--which means his double pay.

      Now, ever after dinner, when the coffeecups are brought,

      Ahasuerus waileth o'er the grand pianoforte;

      And, thanks to fair Cornelia, his fame hath waxen great,

      And Ahasuerus Jenkins is a power in the State.

      STUDY OF AN ELEVATION, IN INDIAN INK

      This ditty is a string of lies.

      But--how the deuce did Gubbins rise?

      POTIPHAR GUBBINS, C. E.,

      Stands at the top of the tree;

      And I muse in my bed on the reasons that led

      To the hoisting of Potiphar G.

      Potiphar Gubbins, C. E.,

      Is seven years junior to Me;

      Each bridge that he makes he either buckles or breaks,

      And his work is as rough as he.

      Potiphar Gubbins, C. E.,

      Is coarse as a chimpanzee;

      And I can't understand why you gave him your hand,

      Lovely Mehitabel Lee.

      Potiphar Gubbins, C. E.,

      Is dear to the Powers that Be;

      For They bow and They smile in an affable style

      Which is seldom accorded to Me.

      Potiphar Gubbins, C. E.,

      Is certain as certain can be

      Of a highly-paid post which is claimed by a host

      Of seniors--including Me.

      Careless and lazy is he,

      Greatly inferior to Me.

      What is the spell that you manage so well,

      Commonplace Potiphar G.?

      Lovely Mehitabel Lee,

      Let me inquire of thee,

      Should I have riz to what Potiphar is,

      Hadst thou been mated to me?

      A LEGEND

      This is the reason why Rustum Beg,

      Rajah of Kolazai,

      Drinketh the simpkin and brandy peg,

      Maketh the money to fly,

      Vexeth a Government, tender and kind,

      Also--but this is a detail--blind.

      RUSTUM BEG of Kolazai--slightly backward native state

      Lusted for a C. S. I.,--so began to sanitate.

      Built a Jail and Hospital--nearly built a City drain--

      Till his faithful subjects all thought their Ruler was insane.

      Strange departures made he then--yea, Departments stranger still,

      Half a dozen Englishmen helped the Rajah with a will,

      Talked of noble aims and high, hinted of a future fine

      For the state of Kolazai, on a strictly Western line.

      Rajah Rustum held his peace; lowered octroi dues a half;

      Organized a State Police; purified the. Civil Staff;

      Settled cess and tax afresh in a very liberal way;

      Cut temptations of the flesh--also cut the Bukhshi's pay;

      Roused his Secretariat to a fine Mahratta fury,

      By a Hookum hinting at supervision of dasturi;

      Turned the State of Kolazai very nearly upside-down;

      When the end of May was nigh, waited his achievement crown.

      When the Birthday Honors came,

      Sad to state and sad to see,

      Stood against the Rajah's name nothing more than C. I. E.!

      *   *   *   *   *

      Things were lively for a week in the State of Kolazai.

      Even now the people speak of that time regretfully.

      How he disendowed the Jail--stopped at once the City drain;

      Turned to beauty fair and frail--got his senses back again;

      Doubled taxes, cesses, all; cleared away each new-built thana;

      Turned the two-lakh Hospital into a superb Zenana;

      Heaped upon the Bukhshi Sahib wealth and honors manifold;

      Clad himself in Eastern garb--squeezed his people as of old.

      Happy, happy Kolazai!  Never more  will Rustum Beg

      Play to catch the Viceroy's eye. He prefers the simpkin peg.

      THE STORY OF URIAH

      "Now there were two men in one city;

      the one rich and the other poor."

      Jack Barrett went to Quetta

         Because they told him to.

      He left his wife at Simla

         On three-fourths his monthly screw:

      Jack Barrett died at Quetta

         Ere the next month's pay he drew.

      Jack Barrett went to

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