A Dude's Guide to Surviving His Wedding

DEDICATION

This one is easy. This book is dedicated to my beautiful wife. We had fun planning our wedding, we fought during the planning of our wedding, but ultimately, you made me the happiest guy in the world on our wedding day.

I love you, Christina.

1. INTRODUCTION

… to the Wild Ride

The average person reads about two-hundred to three-hundred words per minute, about one page in sixty seconds¹. So, non-stop, you’re looking at two hours to finish a one-hundred and fifty-page book, but chances are you will get side tracked by stupid videos online, then the game will be on, so let’s call it a two-week (fourteen-day) process by the time you plough through this puppy.

So, let’s put that timing into perspective in relation to the theme of this guide. During the time it takes you to read this book over fourteen days, approximately one-hundred and forty thousand weddings will take place around the world, making that around seven couples tying the knot per minute².

Of these marriages, $4,060,000,000 will be collectively spent on the big day, with 1,860,000 guests in attendance, offering $2,709,000,000 total in wedding gifts (approx. $150-250 value per gift of avg. guest). Thanks for carrying the brunt of the load of that stat, rich uncle Al.

Your lady friend will put a combined thirty-six days into the planning and researching of your wedding leading up to the Big Day (aka BD. We’ll use this as the acronym from here on out; this will be one of many acronyms because, c’mon, I’m a dude and constantly looking for a shortcut).³

8% of best men (aka BM) will make an inappropriate comment about the bride’s mom, while 77% of his counterpart, the maid of honour (MOH), will find themselves reaching for a tissue to thwart the waterworks issue they have going on.

Ok, I made those last stats up and are not based on anything other than my own experience of attending thirty+ weddings, being in eight wedding parties, and DJing twenty+ as well.

Here’s a real stat to chew on, though: along with all of those hours spent planning and talking about this BD, you’ll only be spending 30-40% of your yearly earnings on this upcoming wedding.

Do all of those big $’s and stats scare you? Well they should, but I’m not here to play grim reaper, just to add perspective. Also, don’t worry, I won’t use too many statistics throughout this book, and if I do they’ll be somewhat humourous, or I’ll try to have them involve fantasy sports.

Along this journey we’re going to embark on together, I will be sharing advice, getting the help of some experts, as well as sprinkling in real life stories from guys and gals who are in the process, or survived the exhausting, yet gratifying task of planning and executing a wedding. You’ll be so prepared mentally and financially; your lady friend won’t hate you as much as she should along the way. Therefore, you’re welcome in advance.

I’m sure you’re wondering, Tyler, I’m down man, but who the hell are you to offer such advice? Well, I’ll tell you.

I am you. I am you a year ago, three years ago, a decade from now when books make a comeback and you find this in a rare bookstore on a lunch break from your fancy robot computer job.

I also have some experience attending and working weddings, as I alluded to above, but most importantly, I am just your average gentleman who saw a void. See, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing when I made the decision to go from being eternally single to locking down the amazing wife I have the pleasure of still calling my wife today (so I must be doing something right).

Whatever stage you are in, the following read will help you immensely.

We’ll break it down nice and easy for you, ya big lug, so you will be able to recite cool stats at your friends’ engagement parties like, Hey Austin, did you know King Henry VIII had six wives? We’re lucky we just have to deal with one Jane Seymour… ya hear me? or Recent studies show that 2.4 million weddings happen in the U.S. every year. Guess we don’t have to suffer alone, am I right?⁴

Ahhh man, you will be the hit of that NFL Sunday afternoon, gabbing away about weddings instead of watching the game. Get used to it; that’s only the beginning of your life changes.

Annnnyway, I’ve aimed to be as clear as possible during the writing process, so I’ve broken this guide up for you into the follow sections:

Pre-Engagement: This will be the vetting process to ensure that going through all of this trouble to buy aring and plan out aproposal is worth it with this lady. I’ll make sure you’re set up for success before you get on one knee.

Planning: This is where you will hate your life to the max; however, it’ll be alittle bit more enjoyable if you listen to my advice. We’ll cover everything from the guest list, venue, photographer, flowers, timelines, and yes, the bachelor parties.

Day-of: The big day finally arrives; I’ll show you how to get out relatively unscathed.

Post-Wedding: This is pretty much asection about thank you cards and honeymoons. You make it to here, and you’re in the home stretch!

Now, I know this crazy world is made of all types; it’s what makes our universe turn. I know not everything will directly relate to you and your situation; however, I can assure you that there will be relatable aspects littered throughout this guide to help you navigate this process.

Now, let’s have some fun out there.

1 Maloney, Evan. You Can’t Speed Read Literature, The Guardian, Guardian News and Media Limited. December 15, 2009

2 Lake, Rebecca. 23 Unbelievable Average Wedding Cost Statistics, Credit Donkey. December 10, 2015

3 Winter, Katy. Brides Spend 36 Days Planning Their Wedding, Mail Online. September 12, 2017

4 Sardone, Susan. Wedding Statistics and Honeymoon Facts & Figures, tripsaavy.com. August 22, 2017

Section 1:

PRE-ENGAGEMENT

2. The Perfect Mate

Forever Is Like Forever, Bro

Let’s kick the first section off with a vital step in the direction of getting married: the other person.

Let me assume you’ve gone out of your way to find this book by an up and coming author (that’s me), called A Dude’s Guide to Surviving His Wedding because you already have someone in your targets. She may even be sitting beside you.

If not, and you’re just interested in how you one day will survive your wedding, then that’s quite the pro-active step as well.

The search for that soulmate is a unique one to each and every one of us. It’s like a snowflake, a complicated, expensive, cursing snowflake.

Your path is surely different than mine, than your coffee barista’s, and that guy on your hockey team who never passes (fuckin’ Brent).

Also, with the game changing revelation of dating sites and apps (comparable to the invention of sliced bread) your path might have only involved a couple swipes here and there; quite different than my story, which happened a mere six years ago. Man, you kids have it easy now.

However, you have reached your end goal of locking down a lady friend; good on you. It doesn’t matter how you got here, the advice remains the same in evaluating whether or not you’re ready to say, I DO want to get married.

I know, fella. It’s a scary thought.

By now, you are more than familiar with those old fashion ribbings of It’s all over jaw-fests with you and your buddies. Deep down, if you are mentally preparing to ask your lady to join in Holy matrimony, you figure this must be just a myth.

My old lady is cool beans; there’s no way things will change, you reassure yourself. Well, cool beans or not, there has to be compromise.

Your relationship to date has come with ups and downs. This will not change once you’re married. The X factor is what replaces your ups and downs as you grow together.

Now your ups are giving her roses at work when she gets a promotion (10x brownie points), or showing off your significant other in that sexy black dress at your buddy’s wedding.

Your downs consist of (but not limited to) forgetting to call her when you’re out late with the boys, and having to hang out with her shitty friends who she claims, Used to be cooler in high school.

You’re now thinking about committing yourself to her with a nice, shiny ring; you’ve set the relationship to light speed. You’re going to have to be more accountable, more responsible (gross!), and more aware of your actions.

You’re selecting each other for life. She wants to know that you’re going to be a great husband, father, and caretaker who she can really lean on. If you don’t think you can provide this to your lady, or stomach any of the above, hide this book until you find someone you can openly feel this way about.

You need to be able to love her at her best and more importantly during her ugly crying and/or screaming moments. If you have an inch of doubt, then you need to do some soul searching.

Now, if you’re 100% on board, let’s move on. Prepare yourself for compromise. You’ll hear the cliché, Happy wife, happy life a lot over the upcoming months. It’s definitely, annoyingly true and something to live by.

You should know by now when to pick your battles, but you should also not look at your lifestyle change as a complete compromise moving forward. This is more than a relationship now; husband and wife is a completely different animal. Don’t worry, it looks the same and familiar in a lot of ways. Seriously, you’ll be fine. Well, that is, if you listen to me in the upcoming chapters.

Here’s a solid checklist to assess whether your lady friend is wifey material for you:

Do you share the same morals? (i.e. Do you have similar political and religious views? Do you both want kids? Does she pretend to like your sports teams?)

Do you laugh together? (You don’t have to be Mitch Hedberg or Dave Chappelle, but do you share alike-minded sense of humour?)

Do you find each other physically attractive at all times (even in the morning after anight of drinking JD)? How about emotionally attractive (Ilove you INSIDE and out – that kind of stuff)?

Are you both driven professionally? (If she’s adrifter and expects you to do all the heavy lifting financially, that could be an issue.)

Can you picture your lives ten, twenty-five, fifty years from now (No, not how well she will age, but more can you put up with her quirky habits that long? Alternatively, will she be able to put up with your antics for that long?)?

How well do you really know her? (Note: you should not be pondering this question on the plane ride to Vegas.)

Fill these out on your own, but maybe don’t show them to her if your answers aren’t working out in her favour. If you’re unsure of where she’s at with acouple of these, please, please, please ASK! You don’t want to be that guy who’s like, Ok, Iwant to name our first kid Theodore and our second Chewy, and she’s all like, Ummm… Idon’t want kids, and if Idid, who the hell names akid Chewy? (<- She’s got agood point; what were you thinking?)

If this isn’t enough, don’t spend hours online with compatibility tests. My advice is to chat casually with your family, best bud(s), as well as her bestie. If you want to get someone’s outside opinion, it’s a good gauge to use the people closest to her as a reference. Be savvy and really soak in their honesty level. I recommend only talking to people you can trust. This should give you reassurance either way.

Regardless how long you’ve been together, make sure you still get that I-just-made-it-to-the-top-of-the-ropes-in-gym-class feeling. Those stupid butterflies that make you say stupid things in front of her are a good thing! If you lose those, you are in trouble.

If you’re still feeling good about the idea of proposing to this special lady, then congratulations, sir. Now stop dilly-dallying around and let’s get to the fun/terrifying part of planning this damn thing.

Real Life Dude

Throughout the book I will be incorporating real stories from real humans that relate to topics within a chapter. These will be titled Real Life Dude as well as Real Life Dudette to gain the woman’s perspective that we guys should not use our powerful selective hearing on.

To kick it off, I will use my own personal story to share with you as the intro to these tales.

How