Succumbing to his Fear

Copyright © 2018 by River Mitchell

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

without the express written permission of the author.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Chapter One

Alfie

Life can change in an instant. One minute, I was an average twenty-four-year-old, going to work, hanging out with friends, and doing what typical twenty-somethings do. Then, late one Thursday night, I received a phone call and was completely blindsided, my life flipped upside down.

My father, the great and wonderful Alfred McKenzie Senior, only stuck around until I was the ripe old age of five. At that point, the bright lights and the lure of reaping a fortune became too much for him to resist, so off he went, never to be seen again. I got an odd birthday card or phone call over the years, but I don’t think either of us tried very hard to keep in contact. Maybe it would’ve been different if Mum hadn’t taken me back to London with her, but deep down, I don’t believe he would’ve made any more of an effort if I had lived next door. The idea of him going to the trouble of jumping on a plane and traveling to a different continent to visit me was clearly out of the question.

You’d think that nineteen years would be long enough for me to have let go of any daddy issues I might have been holding onto, but when I heard the news that my father had been killed in a car accident, the grief was immediate. I felt as if I’d been punched in the gut. My first thought was that I would never have the opportunity to get to know the man who’d donated his sperm to create me. It shocked the shit out of me how much it actually hurt. What made that pain worse was that he had a wife and two kids who I’d known nothing about. A whole new family, one he didn’t feel I was good enough to be a part of—or even know.

To say I didn’t cope very well when I found out would be a radical understatement. The culmination of the revelations hit me like a sledgehammer, and I suffered a mini breakdown. Or, as my mother would say, I had an Alfie Attack.

I’ve suffered from panic attacks for most of my life. They varied in severity from causing difficulty in breathing to withdrawing into myself and shutting everyone out. They began when I was in an accident when I was eight and a drunk driver ran a red light, smashing into my mum’s car and two others. The multiple therapists I was sent to after the attacks started diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder that manifested in a number of delightful ways. The attacks were often triggered when I felt a loss of control.

Okay, so when I said I was an average twenty-four-year-old, it may have been wishful thinking on my part.

Most of the time I can control my condition well enough to hide it. Only my best friend Eddie, Mum and Mum’s husband, Ben, know how much I’ve struggled. Dad’s death sent me into a tailspin of loss, anger, and a ton of fear, all of which led me to finding out just how far out of control my life was.

The fear came from the knowledge that my two siblings, who I had only just learned existed, were currently in the care of the state, awaiting my arrival and their subsequent rescue. Seemed that daddy fucking dearest left a stipulation in his will that if anything were to happen to him and his wife, he wanted me to take custody of the children. This from the man who couldn’t even tell me I had a brother and sister. I mean, would it really have been out of the question to give a guy a heads up? A letter, smoke signals, a phone call saying, I know you haven’t heard from me since you were a child, but do me a solid and look after the kids I chose to hang around for if my wife and I pop our clogs. Nothing!

Even my mother, the queen of crazy town, was taken aback by what Dad and his wife, Claire, had done. It all made sense upon finding out I wasn’t chosen because of any family bond or love he felt toward me. I was simply the only choice. Neither Claire nor Alfred Senior had any other relatives they considered worthy. The warm and fuzzy feelings that news gave me lasted all of a second.

The anger that followed quickly on their warm, fuzzy heels was so strong I actually thought my head would explode. I mean, who does that? He couldn’t be bothered to tell me about my siblings, but expected me to raise them. If I had the chance to see him again, my first order of business would be to smash his face in.

Yes, I was twenty-four, and technically an adult, but being a pseudo-dad to my long-lost siblings was not something I was ready for.

When I thought things couldn’t get worse—yes, there was more. It was also stipulated in the will that the children were to remain in the States. I was expected to move, and remain there until both children finished their high school educations. I, of course, had the right to decline the request, but that would force the children to remain in the custody of the state and risk being split up. Both my mother and I hated the thought of that; none of what was happening was their fault.

Not only had they lost both parents, but they were somewhere that I was sure was scary. Did they even know what was happening? They were facing the possibility of being separated from the only other person they had left in the world, excluding me. It wasn’t even clear from the will if they knew about me.

After about a million talks with both Mum and Ben, we decided that we’d all go to America. Milford, Pennsylvania, to be precise, and see if this was something that I could even attempt to take on.

Chapter Two

Alfie

A week after receiving the phone call, Mum, Ben, and I arrived in Milford, a small town of about 1,200 people, located in the midst of the Pocono Mountains. I knew straight away that if I was going to do this, there was no way in hell I’d be able to stay in Milford.

Dad’s house, although beautiful, was completely isolated. Without knowledge of the area or other homes close by, staying there was too daunting a prospect to undertake.

Mum and Ben were able to come with me to help with the lawyers and social services interviews and meetings, but they wouldn’t be able to stay in the US long-term. Their lives were back in England. I would all too soon be left alone, and if I was going to try to parent my brother and sister, I’d need to be comfortable enough in my surroundings that I didn’t feel cut off from everyone else on the planet.

The first meeting with Dad’s lawyer was an eye-opener, that’s for sure. Both Mum and Dad worked in the music industry back in the day. When they met, Mum was a singer in an up and coming rock band, and Dad was a promoter. It was lust at first sight, or at least that was how Mum described it. There was no big love affair, just a Whoopsie, the condom broke. They stuck it out for more than five years, but by the end, it was better for all concerned that they went their separate ways.

There was no bad blood, just the realization that there had to be a better life out there for both of them. Mum had given up the life of a wannabe rocker when they married. According to what we found out from the lawyer and through nosing around Dad’s house, he’d continued to work in the music business and had a rather successful career in promotion.

Claire was from money, so between what the two of them left behind, money was never going to be a problem for my two new siblings and me. It was sad, really; Dad had actually recently retired to spend more time with the family, and they’d moved to Milford only weeks earlier.

The lawyer informed us that I was bequeathed eighty percent of their combined funds, as well as the house, cars, and a small boat. All of which I was to use to provide a home, care, and anything else the children needed along the way. The remaining twenty percent of the estate would be split between the rug rats, and it was nothing to sneeze at. They’d each receive two million dollars when they turned twenty-five. There were additional funds set aside for their education.

I was presented with a letter that Dad and Claire had written to me that I point blank refused to read. If there was something either of them had wanted to say to me, how hard would it have been to pick up the fucking phone? The anger and pain were making me bitter, which wasn’t a good place for my mind to be.

On the fourth night in Milford, the night before the dreaded social services visit, Mum found me sitting on the porch, drinking a beer. I knew she had things she wanted to say, a lot of things by the look of her determined expression and fierce body language. I could see that my time was up, and I was about to hear it all.

How you doing, baby? she asked, sitting down next to me.

Spit it out, woman, I said with a giggle. Mum and I had a great relationship. She was my rock and the only person who could read me like a book.

The cheek coming out of you. I was going to be all smooth and shit. I have finesse, dammit. You’ve gone and ruined my flow. She laughed

Course you do, Mum. Come; let’s get this over with. No, I have not read the letter yet. No, I am not going to have an Alfie Attack. Yes, I am freaking out about tomorrow. I figured I might as well get it all out of the way in one go. The woman would continue to dig until she got what she wanted anyway.

I’m not surprised that you’re worried about tomorrow. It’s a big undertaking. I know you can do it, though. But know that if you feel like you can’t do this, I’ll support whatever decision you make. It’s a lot to ask of anyone, she said, looking at me with love shining in her eyes. It felt good to know that I would always have her on my side.

Thanks, Mum, I said around the lump in my throat.

Okay. With that out of the way, read this bloody letter already. She produced the letter from her back pocket.

You read it if you need to know what it says so badly. I knew I was acting like a petulant child. I just didn’t care.

It’s not my letter to read. I will admit the not knowing is killing me, but I think you need to read it to understand your dad and Claire’s thoughts. It’ll give you some answers, or at the very least, give you some closure and a chance to say goodbye to your dad. Here. She handed me the envelope. I really do think that you need to go into tomorrow with a clear, open mind and without the hurt and anger you feel right now. That letter won’t eradicate it, but it will start you off on the right foot. If it turns out that it doesn’t, I’ll get totally drunk with you on the weekend, and we can trash talk random people to feel better about ourselves.

Should you really be encouraging binge drinking, Mother? I am on the brink of becoming a parent, I said, giving her a mock glare.

Whatever, loser. Read the letter, she ordered, before going back inside where I could hear her talking to Ben.

I stared at the letter for a few minutes. For fuck’s sake, read the letter, I shouted at myself internally. Even with the inner berating, it took me another half hour to open the envelope and yet another hour before I actually started to read.

Alfie,

I hope to God that you never have to read this letter. But if you do, the first thing I want you to know is how sorry I am. I never meant for us to drift so far apart. There are so many things I should’ve said. Please know that they have and continue to haunt me. I have no excuse, and I’m not about to make one now. The reason, albeit an inadequate one, is that life just got away from me.

When Sheridan left with you, I was completely focused on working. I wanted to make a name for myself. All of which seems pointless and such a waste now. For the first ten years after you left, work was all I did. I thought of you every day and told myself that as soon as things quieted down, or as soon as the next deal went through, I would be on the first flight to you with a ton of stories that would make you proud of me. I am well aware of the stupidity of my actions. Not only did I lose my chance at having you in my life, but I missed out on being a part of yours, and that is, above all else, my biggest regret.

Claire and I met eight years ago, and yet again, I got swept away. I’d just reached a pinnacle in my career and was hoping to slow down. I was so ashamed of how I handled things with you. I was embarrassed and felt too guilty to contemplate approaching you at the time. But just because you didn’t see me didn’t mean I was far away. Claire and I were at your high school graduation and your amazing art exhibition. You are so very talented.

Proud could not even begin to describe how I felt watching you receive your award at the exhibition. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. I never approached you because I didn’t feel that I deserved to be a part of all that you had accomplished. I didn’t want our being there to take away from your magnificent achievements.

Please know that I’m aware that the man you have become is all thanks to your mother and stepfather. Claire and I fought many times about contacting you. She wanted me to call or visit, but I felt I just didn’t have that right. If you’re reading this, I so wish I’d at least had the courage to try. My weakness and failure are the only explanations I have to give for staying away, and yes, I know both offer little consolation, but they are all I have to offer.

When Claire became pregnant with Griffin, I was petrified. I promised myself that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes; I wouldn’t let my pride keep me away from my child again. I pledged to get in touch with you. But, as it turned out, life had other plans. Griffin was very sick for the first four years of his life. Claire and I were both consumed with making him well, and I admit that once again, you were the one to suffer. Griffin would look up at me, and I saw you in him so clearly. I prayed daily that I wouldn’t lose him. We would lie together in the hospital, and I would tell him all about his amazing big brother that lived overseas. That he was a talented artist who would be famous one day. You were his favorite story. He asks about you constantly, wanting to know everything. He even has a picture of you, one that I took at the exhibition, by his bed. He calls you his hero.

When we finally got the all clear and Griffin was in good health, Claire was already four months pregnant with Lily. Thankfully, Lily was a healthy baby, so full of personality and quite the little handful. Griffin took his big brother duties very seriously. I think he did it so he could be like you and make you proud. He wanted to be just like his hero big brother.

Claire and I made the decision to slow things down then and move to a small town where we could focus on being a family. A family that I had great hopes of bringing you into. If you’re reading this, I was too late and failed you again. I am so sorry. I wanted so badly the chance to start making my absence up to you. To begin righting all my wrongs.

I love you so much, son, and could not be prouder of the man you’ve become.

After the move, Claire and I decided to update our wills and the plans we had in place for Griffin and Lily. We hadn’t done that since we were married, and Griffin and Lily’s arrivals changed everything. Claire has no family, and I wouldn’t wish my family on anybody. We knew that we had enough money to set the children up comfortably and could maybe even hire someone to care for them, but that wasn’t what either of us wanted. It was actually Claire who suggested you be given guardianship in the event of our deaths. I didn’t feel as if I had the right to ask such a thing. Claire, as usual, was right. There is no one I would trust more or want to raise and care for Griffin and Lily. They are great kids, and I know they’ll love you whole-heartedly. If they turn out half as great as you did, I will have created three wonderful children.

I know that my asking this is inexplicably selfish, and I have no right to expect you to understand our reasons. But I am asking. I want you to raise Griffin and Lily. I want you to share your life with them. I want you to have the chance to have them in your life, and more than anything, I want them to have you in theirs.

I’m so sorry for causing you to miss out on being a part of us. I know that it truly was my loss, and it’s a regret that I don’t want Griffin and Lily to share. They deserve to know you.

I love you from the bottom of my heart. Always have. My beautiful boy.

Dad

By the time I finished reading I was a mess.