Jayde: Behind the Words

Prologue

My black lace dress clung to my soaked body as I sobbed uncontrollably against the old oak tree. With one hand pressed against my heart I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, trying to remember the last thing he had said to me. I love you, Jayde, with all my heart. Give Sawyer a kiss for me, I’ll be home after the show. My body continued to heave as my knees gave out and I crumbled to the ground. The sky roared with thunder and lightning; usually I would have been scared shitless to be out in this stuff, but right then, I didn’t care what happened to me. I just wanted it all to be a horrible dream…and I would wake up with a racing heart, and find him beside me in our bed instead of buried in the ground.

This can’t be real!! I wailed loudly into my hands, where my head was now resting. I had no energy to lift my body from the ground, not that I wanted to. But if I didn’t get out of the storm I would most likely be sucked up into it. I remembered losing my parents at a very young age, but the one thing I did not remember was how badly my heart ached from having someone ripped from your life at the drop of a hat.

Everything was perfect…too perfect. Anytime in my life when things seemed to fall together, something had always come along to wreak havoc and remind me that my life would never be perfect. I should have gone to the show; if I was there…I could have stopped it from happening and we would be together…in our home. One big happy family.

Baby girl… That voice cut right through me. Was it bad of me to want to allow him to help me? After everything he had done…and after everything I had done? I didn’t even bother to look up; I continued to pour every ounce of emotions I had out through my tears and onto my soaking wet self. Let me get you out of this storm… You’re going to be sick and Sawyer needs you. He scooped me up into his arms; the warmth of his skin caused me to gasp. I circled my arms around his neck and rested my head against his shoulder. I know this sounds cliché and I’m fucking horrible with words…but it’ll get better with time, Jayde. I promise you… His voice was thick with emotion.

His kindness only caused me to cry even harder. I was a horrible person…I didn’t deserve happiness, and I definitely didn’t deserve him to be kind to me right now. He wouldn’t be if he knew the truth. I heard the car door open just before he lowered me into the passenger’s seat. When the door shut I finally looked at him through the rain streaked window. His hair was shorter than usual, but my heart still fluttered uncontrollably at the sight of him. What the hell is wrong with me? I shouldn’t feel this way, not today… I curled my legs up into the seat with me and wrapped my arms around them tightly. Resting my head against my knees, I stared out the front window as the driver’s door shut.

Is there anywhere you want me to take you? His voice was just above a whisper. Without moving my eyes from the front window, I shook my head no. Do you want to go home? Home…Where all the memories were… The thought of walking back into that house caused a horrible sob to rip from my chest. Wasn’t there a limit of tears a person could produce? I buried my face into my knees to ride out the emotional rollercoaster I was on yet again.

I’m staying at Aria and Bryden’s place while I’m in town. How ‘bout I take you there? I didn’t respond, and after a few long seconds I felt the car shift into gear. He pulled his jacket from the backseat and draped it over me. I hadn’t realized my body was shaking so badly until then. I rolled onto my side facing the door, gripping the jacket tightly around me, and fell into a silent cry, the kind where your body shook aggressively, but you didn’t produce any noise. I felt his warm hand touch my arm lightly causing even more goose bumps to run across my skin. Seeing you like this is killing me right now… His hand had run up and down my arm briefly before it was gone, and the coldness was back.

I must have cried myself to sleep on the way; when I opened my eyes I was in the large bed of Aria’s guesthouse wearing what had to be a pair of her pajamas. Sitting up, I caught sight of the alarm clock across the room on the dresser; it read a quarter after six. I had slept for well over three hours. My head was pounding from the—I’ll just say events of the day. I couldn’t bring myself to say the other words. Not yet. A light tap on the door grabbed my attention. Come in… I said flatly. The doorknob turned and in stepped a heartbroken Aria.

I can’t believe he’s gone… I choked out just before the sobs came back full force. I fell back onto my pillow and curled up on my side. Aria was instantly in the bed with me; her arms wrapped around my sides.

He loved you, Jayde. I know he did, but he wouldn’t want you to be like this… She said quietly to me. I knew she was right; he wouldn’t want me to be this heartbroken. He would want me to pull myself together and make sure Sawyer grew up having a good life. As much as I knew all of that, I couldn’t stop the heartache that was ripping through me. Aria laid with me until my sobs had subsided. She sat up in the bed, and I followed suit. Do you want something to eat? I shook my head no. Jayde, I’m not sure when you ate last. You have to eat.

I’m not hungry.

Dammit, Jayde! I don’t mean to get angry with you right now, but I can’t sit back and let you destroy yourself…I know you’re grieving, we all are. He was a big part of each of our lives, but you can’t close yourself off. You have a little girl that needs her momma, she needs her momma to be okay—she needs you to get up out of this bed, eat something, and figure out how in the hell you are going to move on from this. I don’t want to see you end up like I did when Ashleigh died. I know this situation is a helluva lot different, but I know what heartache and loss like this can do to a person. It’s not pretty. She was right…I needed to try and pull myself together, if not for me, then for Sawyer.

Okay, I’ll try to eat something.

Good, Aria smiled a weak smile at me. Do you want to come in the kitchen or for me to bring it in here? she asked.

Where’s Sawyer? I ignored her question.

She’s here.

Who’s watching her?! I almost jumped out of the bed.

Whoa…Calm it down. Sasha has her. She’s fine. Aria placed a hand on my leg.

Kitchen’s fine. I need to see her.

First, we need to clean you up a little. You have mascara running down your face. Aria got up from the bed and offered me a hand for help. She led me into the bathroom of the guesthouse and made me sit on the closed toilet seat. As she went to work on washing my face with a warm rag, I closed my eyes.

Did—did he change my clothes? I asked Aria, knowing she would understand whom I was talking about. She slowly nodded yes. I wish he hadn’t done that…

Why?

Because— I fumbled with my words, Because I can’t be around him right now… The thickness of my voice was back, and I was holding onto the emotion so tightly, trying to make it subside.

He just wants to help you, Jayde…He isn’t trying to make a pass at you, if that is what you’re thinking. He knows you’re hurting like hell from this…so don’t be so hard on him for wanting to show you that he cares. Aria stood back holding the now cool rag in her hand. Hell, if he hadn’t found you way back in the cemetery earlier, there is no telling what would have happened to you. That storm was horrible… Thoughts of the storm taking me were running through my head, but I quickly pushed them away. I couldn’t allow something like that to happen to me because who would Sawyer have then?

Can you give me a minute? I asked Aria.

Sure. She sat the rag down on the sink and turned to leave, stopping before she walked out the door. All this pain that we have been dealt throughout our lives is only making us stronger. I know it’s hard to believe, but Dr. Pat has helped me realize this. Losing the people we love isn’t fair…but closing out the people we still have isn’t either. I love you, Jayde. Please don’t close me out. I will cry with you when you need to cry, I will listen when you need to talk, and I will punch someone if you need me to… Hell, I might even help you commit murder if the person deserves it. Her last line caused us both to laugh. When you’re ready, I’ll be here. She walked back in and hugged me one last time. I wiped another set of tears from my face when I heard the guesthouse door shut.

I have no idea how I am supposed to be strong right now, I whispered to myself. Taking a deep breath I stood and walked over to the sink. I hadn’t dared to look at myself in the mirror yet. I was afraid of what the person staring back at me would look like. I lifted my head up to take in the sight: my eyes were puffy and outlined with thick red circles, my face was make-up free, thanks to Aria, my odd-ball eyes were glistening with unshed tears. They looked even crazier when I cried. One blue and one green, the blue looked like clear ocean water while the green was more along the lines of a bright-colored forest. My bangs were spread out in a messy manner across my forehead; the rest of my hair was frizzy and wavy from the storm. Some of my things sat on the sink counter from when I had attempted to get ready for the funeral. I grabbed the brush and slowly ran it through my hair before twisting it up into a messy bun. Rummaging through the small bag, I found a headband, which I pushed back through my bangs to hold them against the top of my head. That was as far as I would go to make myself look presentable to whoever was in Aria’s house, which I was hoping would be no one.

Since the storm had passed, the sun was shining brightly. I think it was nature’s way to try and get me to smile, but it wasn’t happening. The walk from the guesthouse to their patio doors was short; a concrete walkway led the way from one to the other. Before I reached the patio, I saw Sawyer sitting in a highchair grinning from ear to ear. Her blonde curly hair was actually tamed; when she broke out in laughter I smiled. The sight of her caused my heart to constrict in my chest. I had to get a hold of myself; I couldn’t let her down as a mother.

I left my flip-flops just outside the door on the patio. I could hear the voice of many people in the living room; I didn’t dare look that way. I went directly to Sawyer, and when she saw me she extended her arms out and smiled widely. Momma… she called out to me. I slid the top of the highchair back so I could pick her up. It felt good to have her in my arms.

Hi, pretty girl. I kissed her cheeks. Her bright-blue eyes twinkled as she giggled from my touch. She was the most ticklish baby I had ever seen. The sound of her sing-song laughs had me smiling even wider.

That smile looks good on you, I heard his voice from beside me. My heart felt like it had stopped. I turned to face him; he was leaning against the island with his hands pushed down into his front pockets. His eyes kept switching from me to Sawyer.

Nanas, Sawyer said while reaching for the bananas on the counter.

You want a banana, baby? I asked her; she nodded her head yes. I took her back to her highchair and locked the tray back in place.

Here. He was beside me now, peeling the banana for Sawyer.

I’ve got it. I tried to take it from him but when our hands collided; I let out a shaky gasp.

Please, don’t be like this to me, he pleaded as he finished peeling the banana and started breaking it up for Sawyer. I watched him interact with her. She smiled at him as she grabbed a piece of the banana and shoved it in her tiny mouth. Good? he asked her. She made some kind of noise and shook her head yes.

Why don’t you get yourself something to eat? He looked over at me. I’m sure you’re hungry. I can make sure she’s all right.

When he sat down in the chair, in front of Sawyer’s, I touched his hand, bringing his eyes back to mine. Thank you, I said just above a whisper and left the two of them sitting there so I could fix myself a bagel.

I sat at the table and continued watching them. I didn’t know if I should smile or cry because of how well they were getting along. I took another bite of my bagel as Aria sat down beside me.

He’s good with her, she stated.

I thought about how different this situation could have been, but that line of speculation had me back on the brink of a breakdown. I shook my head and pushed the thoughts away. Yeah, he is.

It’ll be okay, Jayde. Just take thing one day at a time…I know it sounds cliché as hell, but, time will eventually heal what you’re feeling. You will learn to move on and be happy again. I promise, she laid her hand on top of mine on the table. Aria had been my savior on many occasions, and I was more than thankful to have someone like her in my life.

Daddy… Sawyer’s words caught me off guard. I looked over at her and watched her point at him sitting in front of her, repeating the word she had just said. That was all it took for me to start falling back over the cliff I had attempted to climb back up. I gasped loudly as a sob broke loose from my chest. Dropping the remainder of my bagel on the table I got to my feet, making a beeline for the patio doors.

Jayde, wait! he called out after me. I heard Aria tell him to let me go, that I needed some space, and he started to argue. I pushed through the guesthouse door and slammed it shut behind me, collapsing onto the floor a few feet from the door. I wailed so loudly I was sure they could probably hear me back at the house. Sawyer calling him ‘daddy’ had ripped my heart out in more ways than one. Why had I put myself in this situation?

I struggled to catch a heaving breath when the door opened behind me, Jayde, I’m sorry! I didn’t think—Shit… He fell to the floor beside me and lifted my body into his arms. Let it out, baby girl… He spoke softly at my ear as he caressed my hair. I let him hold me there on the floor as I continued to free fall into despair.

1

Fairytales Don’t Exist

A re you sure he won’t be mad at me for just showing up? I asked Sadie.

"Why would he be? You guys might as well be married—minus the whole changing of the last names, engagement, oh…and actually officially dating," she shrugged her shoulders and extended the keycard to me.

Yeah, yeah. I hear that shit from everybody. I’m just assuming we are a couple, he isn’t seeing anyone else, and I’m not either. Cash doesn’t strike me as the type to ask someone to be his girlfriend. That would be too high school for him. I eyed the card in Sadie’s hand, debating what to do.

Take the card, Jayde, Sadie pushed it closer to me, You’re already here, and you can’t turn back now. She was right. I drove from Louisville to Cincinnati to surprise him; I couldn’t chicken out now.

Okay, I’m doing it, I snatched the card out of her hand and slid it into the back pocket of my pants. What did you say the room number was?

Nine-fifteen.

And you’re sure he is alone? I asked again.

Yes…How many times do I have to tell you? All the guys have their own rooms. Cash is not sharing a room with anybody. Now, go! Surprise your man and give him the night of his life. She turned me around and gave me a little push forward. I didn’t bother saying anything else. I headed straight for the elevators.

The guys were doing a radio show the next morning for Cincinnati’s local station. Since they were gearing up to start on the new album their label had them do small shows like that for a couple of weeks. With Nate and me practicing like people who had no life, I hadn’t had a chance to see Cash in almost two months. The last time I had seen him was almost a month after the tour had ended. He had surprised me in Louisville, showing up at my door without me having any idea that he was coming. Even though he and Nate got along, I was glad Nate wasn’t over. Cash seemed to get slightly territorial while Nate’s whole body language changed. Every time Cash and I were together, our night ends up with us having sex for hours. I wasn’t complaining, either.

The elevator doors opened, and a crowd of people exited. I was the only one waiting to take it up. I was wearing little makeup; I didn’t bother with it much when I wasn’t on stage. I had naturally thick eyelashes and anytime I wore eye shadow or liner; my crazy-colored eyes would stand out even more than usual. I watched the floor number grow as I stood in the center of the empty elevator. My nerves were getting the best of me. I didn’t know why I was so afraid that he would be upset that I just showed up, but something deep down kept telling me I should have told him that I was coming. The number hit nine, and the doors opened. I quickly exited the elevator, looking for the room number signs to point me in the right direction. Finding the one I needed I took off down the hall to the right and found room nine-fifteen staring back at me, at the end of the hall. Definitely a suite. I took a deep breath and released it slowly. Cash wasn’t supposed to be back for another twenty minutes, so I had plenty of time to change into the lingerie I had brought and light candles all around the room. He was going to be surprised when he came back from their radio interview.

The keycard clicked letting me know the door was now unlocked. The thoughts of how Cash was going to react had me smiling like a lovesick puppy but that smile soon faltered completely. As soon as I stepped into the room I was welcomed with a very naked Cash backed up against the floor length windows with a blonde on her knees, and her mouth wrapped around his dick. I froze. The groans, he was letting out, were no different from the ones he let out in pleasure while I was doing that to him. Tears were building in my eyes as I stood there watching the blonde bob her head back and forth on him. The door clicked loudly when it shut, and Cash snapped his eyes open. The look on his face was complete terror. I began shaking my head aggressively back and forth when he went to move the blonde out from in front of him.

Jayde… My name passed his lips in shock. Before he could get the blonde off his dick I was already running down the hall. The elevator was still open so I hurried inside. I angrily pushed the Door Close button numerous times before the doors finally started to shut. But it wasn’t fast enough. Cash’s face was in front of me yelling for me to stop.

I gave him the finger, Fuck off, Cash. I said as the doors shut completely. I stepped back, bracing myself against the back wall of the elevator. I had a feeling that he would try to meet me in the lobby, so I pushed the button for the second floor. My heart and mind were racing so fast. I couldn’t believe what I had walked in on. I couldn’t believe that Cash would do something like that to me. Given, he didn’t know that I was going to show up in his hotel room. The more I thought about it the dirtier I felt. How long had Cash been screwing other girls behind my back? I couldn’t tell you how many times we didn’t bother using protection. It was a big mistake on my part, I know, but I thought we were only seeing each other. Apparently I was wrong.

I stepped off the elevator and found the second floor quiet. I quickly found the bathroom; turning on the sink I splashed my face with cool water. The tears were continuously pooling in my eyes; I blinked rapidly causing them to spill over and rush down my cheeks. How could he?! I asked my reflection in the mirror like it was honestly going to respond. I’m such a fucking idiot. I took a couple deep breaths before I left the bathroom. I didn’t bother finding Sadie and telling her what happened. She would end up having Cash’s balls on a platter if I did. Heading back out into the hallway, I looked for the signs that pointed me towards the second floor of the parking garage. For some reason the hotel had exits to the parking garage on the first three floors, and I silently thanked the building designer for them.

As soon as I reached my car I locked myself inside. I sat there for a while taking in everything that had happened between Cash and me. How I thought everything was perfect. He seemed like the guy I could picture myself with in the long run. Never would I have imagined walking in on him with some bitch on her knees. I couldn’t help but sit there and cry over the fact that the relationship that I thought was real and meaningful didn’t amount to a pile of shit to him. The only thing I was happy about was that it didn’t happen while we were on the road. I lived hundreds of miles away from Cash, and I planned on keeping that distance between us from then on.

`

It was in the wee hours of the morning when I finally saw the Louisville city limits sign. Cash had called my cell at least twenty times—not to mention how many times Aria and Sadie had also called. I didn’t bother to answer any of them. The scene of Cash’s naked ass pushed up against the glass windows with the blonde—most likely a groupie—plastered on him kept playing over and over in my head. Driving home without stopping was a horrible idea; because there were a few times I was sure if I didn’t pull over I would most likely wreck from the lack of visibility I had because of the Cash-driven tears pouring from my eyes. He was such a bastard. The biggest bastard I had ever met. I knew how badly pissed off and hurt Aria was when Jeremy cheated on her, but I didn’t realize exactly how shitty it felt until that moment. Cash was officially the first, and hopefully last, piece of shit to cheat on me.

I pulled into The Underground’s parking lot. It was beyond packed, but I didn’t mind. Hopefully, I could disappear into the crowd and find someone to get my mind off the douchebag that had torn my heart out. I flipped my car’s visor down; the reflection in the mirror was a hot mess. I needed to attempt to cover my puffy eyes and blotched face. I reached into the overnight bag I had packed in search of my makeup bag. It didn’t take a lot of rummaging to find it. I sat it in my lap and went to town painting my face on. After I was finished, I changed from my khaki pants to my leather skinny ones. The plain shirt I had on wasn’t going to cut it, so I rummaged through my bag again and found the hardly-there number I had planned on wearing on top of my racy lingerie for Cash. It went around my neck, dipping extremely low in the front. I had two choices, to wear it without a bra or put on the lingerie top. I went with the second option. I had too much boobage going on to let the puppies hang freely for the world to see. Not seeing anyone near my car I changed my clothes as fast as possible. I took one more look in the mirror before I got out of the car and headed towards the entrance. It was unusually warm in Kentucky that December, so unusually warm that I didn’t bother putting a coat on to walk from my car to the entrance of The Underground.

The line was ridiculous, and I had no patience to wait in it. I bypassed the crowd to find the security guard working the door, "Hey…Will