Forgiveness: Finding Peace Through Letting Go
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"If your enemies are starving, feed them some bread; if they are thirsty, give them water to drink." Proverbs 24:17 (CEB)
There is nothing more crippling than holding on to anger. Anger, more than any other emotion, has the power to consume all aspects of our lives, distort our sense of purpose, and destroy our relationship with God.
In the passionate and life-changing book Forgiveness: Finding Peace Though Letting Go, bestselling author Adam Hamilton brings the same insight that he applied in the bestseller "Why?" to the challenge of forgiveness. Hamilton argues that revelation comes when we realize that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves rather than to someone else. He also contends that only when we learn to forgive others and ourselves can we truly receive forgiveness from God.
“Adam Hamilton not only reminds us about the importance of reconnecting the broken pieces of our lives, but shows how the process of grace and forgiveness is possibly our most complete picture of God.”
--Shane Stanford, author of Making Life Matter: Embracing the Joy in the Everyday
“The heartbeat of the gospel is grace. With practical insight, Hamilton makes grace understandable--both for seeking and for granting forgiveness. I highly recommend this book.”
--Melody Carlson, author of Healing Waters: A Bible Study on Forgiveness, Grace, and Second Chances
“Adam Hamilton’s book offers clear guidance for believers struggling with the practical application of our biblical imperative to forgive. It is a must-read for both Christian counselors and every person who has something or someone to forgive.”
--Jennifer Cisney Ellers, author of The First 48 Hours: Spiritual Caregivers as First Responders
"Deeply rooted in the Bible’s testimony about God’s extravagant mercy, this fine little book explores the Christian call to practice both repentance and forgiveness in the image of God. Straightforward and practical, Hamilton vividly sketches the habits of the heart that discipleship requires in our daily relationships with spouses and intimate life partners, family members, friends and strangers."
--Patricia Beattie Jung, Professor of Christian Ethics, Saint Paul School of Theology
Adam Hamilton
Adam Hamilton is the founding pastor of the United Methodist Church of the Resurrection in Kansas City. Started in 1990 with four people, the church has grown to become the largest United Methodist Church in the United States with over 18,000 members. The church is well known for connecting with agnostics, skeptics, and spiritual seekers. In 2012, it was recognized as the most influential mainline church in America, and Hamilton was asked by the White House to deliver the sermon at the Obama inaugural prayer service. Hamilton, whose theological training includes an undergraduate degree from Oral Roberts University and a graduate degree from Southern Methodist University where he was honored for his work in social ethics, is the author of nineteen books. He has been married to his wife, LaVon, for thirty-one years and has two adult daughters.
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Forgiveness - Adam Hamilton
PREFACE
SIX WORDS
Forgiveness is essential to our lives. Without it, no marriage can survive, no family can stay together, and no society can be sustained. It is a necessary part of lasting friendships and work relationships.
The reason lies in an inescapable fact of human nature: we are bound to hurt others, and others are bound to hurt us. If we are to live successfully, and if we are ever to know freedom and joy, these six words must be a regular part of our vocabulary: I am sorry
and I forgive you.
If we lack the ability to say, I am sorry,
life will be immeasurably more difficult than it needs to be. If we can’t bring ourselves to say, I forgive you,
life will be filled with bitterness and pain.
This book is not meant to be an exhaustive study on the topic of forgiveness. There are many excellent but much lengthier and more comprehensive books on the topic. Instead, this little book examines four common relationships in which we find ourselves in need of receiving or extending forgiveness: our relationship with God, with our spouses or romantic interests, with our parents and siblings, and with all others in our lives.
There are many dimensions to forgiveness, and each situation in which forgiveness is required is unique; there are circumstances that have led me to counsel individuals in ways different from what I describe in this book. But here, we will cover the big concepts surrounding forgiveness, as well as the most common relationships in which we find ourselves needing to give or receive it.
My hope is that all who read this book might find help and encouragement as they seek reconciliation and healing through the act of asking for, and extending, forgiveness.
CHAPTER ONE
THE DIVINE ANSWER
Happy are those whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
Happy are those to whom the LORD imputes no iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
While I kept silence, my body wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not hide my iniquity;
I said, I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,
and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Psalm 32:1-5
To all of the customers of the local florist who got sneezing powder in their flowers last Tuesday, I apologize. You were really not the intended victims. I just wanted to make you angry at the florist, my stingy employer. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. Bill
I’m sorry. You were waiting for the car to get out of the parking place so you could back in. I slid in frontward—I had to do this because I was desperate to get into the store so I could use the men’s room, and there were no other spaces. My apologies. I hope you read this and understand. Driver of gray Honda.
To all my high school classmates, I am so sorry for those mornings when I came to school without brushing my teeth. I don’t know where I got the idea that if I didn’t eat, I didn’t need to brush. I know you tried to hint, but I didn’t get it.
For all the things that happened to you as a kid that I never knew about. Maybe you were told not to tell me, but I should have been there for you, and you should have been able to tell me anything. For the fact that you weren’t and I wasn’t, I am truly sorry. Mom
Recently, I discovered several websites on which people can anonymously post apologies like those above. Some who post on these sites apparently don’t know how to reach those they have wronged. In the case of others, the person wronged is deceased. Still others seem unwilling or not yet prepared to apologize directly to the individuals. Some of the postings are humorous; some are far more weighty. I think all of us can find a part of ourselves in one of them.
In a sermon called To Whom Much is Forgiven,
twentieth-century existentialist theologian Paul Tillich offers a perspective that speaks to people such as the above, and to all of us. Tillich wrote, Forgiveness is an answer, the divine answer, to the question implied in our existence
(The New Being [New York: Scribner’s, 1955]).
I would suggest that there are at least three questions implied in our existence,
to which forgiveness is God’s answer. For example, in the apology of the mother, if you are the child who has been wounded, who perhaps experienced abuse when you were little, and whose mother did nothing to stop it, the question implied is How do I keep bitterness, anger, hate, or the desire for revenge from consuming me? If you are the mother who feels great guilt because you didn’t step in to stop the abuse, there are perhaps two questions implied: How can I be reconciled to the one I wronged? and How can my burden of guilt be removed?
Every one of us asks questions like these, and God’s answer to each of them is forgiveness. While abuse may not have been a part of our story, at some point we’ve been wronged, at some point we’ve failed to intervene to stop someone else from being wronged, and in one way or another we’ve all wronged others. If we are not to spend our lives stumbling in the dark as wounded, angry human beings, we must know and carry with us the answer—God’s answer: forgiveness.
MAKING SENSE OF SIN
Making sense of forgiveness means talking about sin, a word certain to make some people cringe. It brings to mind preachers who use the word to beat people down, or to frighten and intimidate children, applying it to all sorts of acts that aren’t really sin, from going to the movies to learning to dance. But understood correctly, the concept of sin is one that serves a very useful purpose in any discussion of forgiveness.
The Greek and Hebrew words most often translated as sin in the Bible refer to missing the mark
(think archery and an arrow that misses the target) or straying from the path
(picture someone wandering off a trail and getting hopelessly lost). The implication is that there is a mark, an ideal, or a path that we are meant to follow in order to have a proper relationship with others and with God. We are meant to love. We are meant to do justice. We are meant to care for people and put their needs before our own. We are meant to tell the truth, to be faithful, to do the kind and loving thing. If we did these things all the time, there would be no need for forgiveness.
I suspect that all of us, whether we have any religious faith or not, could agree that there is a way we’re meant to live, an ideal path we should take. We know, too, that most of us struggle in walking that path. We stray at times. In fact, it seems to be the human condition that we stray too often