What We Deserve

Dedication

To my husband, who's pretty sure I'm certifiable but loves me anyway.

Acknowledgements

Many thanks to Becca Scott and Shae Connor for beta-reading and cheerleading, Jules Robin for making me seem literate, my critique group for keeping me sane, and a wonderful group of friends I call the Chicago Girls for encouraging me to write.

Journal Entry

May 4, 1992

Last night, I realized I am in love with Jamie.

I mean, not like a best friend or a brother I never had or anything like that.

I love love him.

Yesterday at school, my friends were talking about what happens when you love someone. They said that you think about the person all the time and that you get really nervous around them. One of the girls said that you have dreams about the person. Maybe in your dreams you hold hands and kiss. One of the guys laughed and said that maybe you have dreams of the person naked.

Then the bell rang, and lunch was over.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it all night. I think about Jamie all the time, and I even dream about him. The dreams freaked me out at first, because Jamie and I were touching each other in them. Not anything too weird...at least at first. Then I dreamed about kissing him. A lot.

I never dream about girls or think about girls that way. The first guys I ever thought about like that were Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, and I kinda knew what that meant. But to feel that way about Jamie...

Jamie and I have been best friends as long as I can remember. My dad and his mom teach at UGA, and our parents are all really good friends. Even though he’s in high school now, Jamie still hangs out with me. Mom and Dad even let me ride with Jamie in his truck now that he has his license.

He’s really nice, and he listens to me. Even when I’m a basket case, like I was today.

We’re standing at the counter at Jack’s waiting for lunch, and I tell him all about how Josh at school says that Alabama will always be better than Georgia in football and yelled at me because I said that’s not true. Jamie’s looking at me and smiling. I can’t stop talking, because if I stop talking, I’ll start thinking about how much I love Jamie. I can’t think about that when I’m around him. It makes me nervous.

Jamie’s laughing, and I feel butterflies all in my stomach. Even though I’m talking a mile a minute, Jamie is listening to every single word. The only time he looks away from me is when the Jack’s lady calls another number. He’s got the most awesome brown eyes. How come I never noticed that before? I’m just staring at his awesome brown eyes, and I have no idea how long I’ve been doing that when he asks me if I’m okay.

No, I’m not okay. I’m staring at my best friend...the guy I love...and I probably look like a complete idiot. I know I’m blushing, because my face feels really hot all of the sudden. And I’m telling him all about how hungry I am and that Mom made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, but that was hours ago. And then I talked about that time we went to see Wayne’s World and my stomach growled so loud people stared at me.

Why can’t I just shut up?

Jamie is smiling again. Before I make myself look any dorkier, the lady calls our number. Jamie grabs one bag and hands me the other. I follow him out to the parking lot to his truck. It’s old and red, and I think it’s cool. I tell him that I’ll be glad when I can drive and take him places.

Jamie grabs me around the shoulders and hugs me tight. He’s really warm and a little sweaty from the heat. I can smell something spicy on him, and I wonder if it’s his soap. I notice he didn’t shave today. He says that he will let me drive him but I have to wait until I get my license in four years. When he unlocks my door and holds my bag until I climb in my seat, he asks if it’s okay if he drives me around until then.

Crap, I’m blushing again. I can just feel it. I take both bags, put them in the floorboard, and don’t look back up at him. I tell him that would be awesome.

He smiles and shuts the door, and I try to get my heart to stop beating so fast.

Yeah, I am so in love with Jamie.

Chapter One

1998

I looked into the mirror and scowled at myself. I’d spent over an hour deciding what to wear and how to fix my hair only to end up looking like I always did. My hair, long in front, was hanging into my eyes and shaggy against my neck. My parents hated it, but Jamie had once said he liked it. I despised the freckles sprayed across the bridge of my nose, but they came in a package deal with my dark auburn hair.

Sean, my mother called from the doorway behind me, why aren’t you dressed? When I turned to glare at her, she gave me her evil smile. Just kidding. You look nice.

Nice? I didn’t want to look nice. I turned back to the mirror and examined myself, dressed in a dark green polo and khakis. As much as I tried, I still looked like a complete geek. All I needed to complete the look was a pocket protector. At least my sneakers were a little bit stylish.

I jumped when my mother’s arms wrapped around me and she looked over my shoulder.

Come on, sweetheart, it’s just a college graduation. Why all the stress?

It’s nothing. If my blush didn’t give me away, staring at my feet was sure to. I just didn’t want to embarrass you and Dad in front of your friends.

Don’t be silly. Mom kissed my cheek and then rubbed the resulting lipstick mark away with her thumb. You’d never embarrass us. I’d kill you if you did.

I laughed, shaking my head at her reflection in the mirror. Remind me to add death threats to my list of complaints to send to child services.

You do that. It’ll be months before they even get around to investigating. I’ll have you buried by then.

My mouth hung open. Mom!

Releasing me, she laughed and walked to the door. Come on now. Your dad’s already left since he’s in the procession. We don’t want to be late and miss James getting his diploma. I’ll be downstairs waiting.

James. It was hard to think of Jamie as a James. It sounded so grown-up. Then again, he was grown-up now, soon to be a college graduate. As always, I was following in his footsteps. Only I was so far behind that I would never catch up to him.

We made it to graduation just in time to find our seats next to Col. Matthews, Jamie’s father. Like my dad, Jamie’s mother was a professor at the University of Georgia, and they were both waiting to enter Stegeman Coliseum, where graduation was being held. As impressive as the entire ceremony would be, I was most anxious to see Jamie in his black cap and gown take the stage.

Col. Matthews peered at me over his program as I took a seat between him and my mother. Well, hello there, Sean. Good to see you.

I swallowed hard. Col. Matthews was an intimidating man, retired army, and he made me nervous. Nice to see you too, sir. Congratulations on Jamie’s graduation.

He nodded and looked past me to talk to my mother.

Finally, the ceremony started. From our seats, it was hard to distinguish one black-clad graduate from another. They were all just so many little ants. Still, when Jamie walked onto the coliseum floor, I was immediately aware of him. My gaze was locked on him, following his steady glide to his chair. Once there, he looked up into the stands, his eyes darting back and forth until he finally saw us. He smiled and waved at us, and I couldn’t help smiling like an idiot when I waved back.

Every so often during the ceremony, Mom would point at something or someone and whisper some arcane fact in my ear. When the students began to receive their degrees, she grabbed my hand.

Just think, Sean, she whispered, in four years that will be you walking across that stage.

Four years seemed so far away. So much could happen. I only hoped that my future included Jamie. I couldn’t imagine one that didn’t.

I sat at attention when Jamie began to walk across the stage. His mother was waiting for him at the other end, and even as far away as we were, I could see that she was crying. Jamie strode toward her, his steps sure and his body fluid. He wasn’t the scrawny sixteen-year-old I had fallen in love with. At twenty-two, he was strong and self-possessed, and watching him take his mother into his arms, I fell in love with him a little more.

Tapping my feet on the concrete floor of the bleachers, I took a mental inventory of all the reasons Jamie would never love me in return. I was a geek. I was tall and lanky. My hands were too big for my arms. I had red hair and freckles.

The biggest reason, however, was the most important. I wasn’t sure Jamie was even gay. He wasn’t much of a partier or dater, but that could have been attributed to his seriousness about school. He never talked about girls, or guys for that matter, around me. But we hadn’t spent much time together since the summer before he started college. He could have fucked every girl in his dorm for all I knew.

And all I knew was that the boy—no, the man—I loved was my best friend. I had that if I never had anything else, and that was okay.

Fifteen hundred names later, we walked out the nearest exit to meet my dad, Jamie’s mother, and Jamie outside. Dad and Dr. Matthews were already waiting for us. As we talked about the ceremony and the commencement speaker’s speech, I saw Jamie walking toward us.

He hugged both his parents and shook both my parents’ hands. When he reached me, he smiled and slapped me lightly on the shoulder.

Thanks for coming, Sean. It’s really good to see you.

My stupid cheeks were suddenly on fire. No problem, Jamie. Congratulations, by the way.

His smile widened, showing off his deep dimples. Gazing into his bright eyes, I wondered if I’d ever seen a more beautiful shade of deep brown. He’d let his hair grow out a little, and the dirty blond strands were blowing in the early-summer breeze.

I’m sorry I missed your graduation.

I shrugged. It’s okay. I know you had a final.

I wanted to be there. His voice dropped. I hope you know that.

My dad cleared his throat and brought us back to reality. I thought I saw a brief flash of embarrassment across Jamie’s face. He looked down at his feet and toed the grass, looking all of sixteen again.

You’re all going to dinner with us, right? Dr. Matthews asked. We made reservations for everyone. I know James would really like you to come with us.

Jamie nodded, and after some token resistance, my parents agreed. We separated to find our cars, and forty-five minutes and one huge traffic jam later, we arrived at the most expensive restaurant in Athens. I followed at the back of the group, half due to fear I was underdressed and half due to wanting to watch Jamie walk up the restaurant’s brick steps.

Dinner passed in a blur. I was either staring at Jamie or trying to remember which fork to use. When our salads arrived, I hesitated, my hand hovering over my silverware.

Jamie leaned over and whispered in my ear. Screw the forks. Let’s eat with our hands.

His sly grin and wink instantly made me feel better. And made me have very, very bad thoughts at the same time. I was hopeless.

I barely participated in the dinner conversation. My only contribution was to declare that computer science would be my major when I started UGA in the fall. Everyone at the table nodded and agreed that my choice was really no surprise. Jamie said I was destined to forever make more money than he would. I always wondered what he would do with a sociology degree, but he consistently avoided any discussion about his future. It wasn’t like him to not have a plan.

After dinner, we all stood in the parking lot to decide on our next destination. My parents were going to the Matthews’ house, and Jamie was going to a postgraduation party on campus. This left me the odd man out, and I just wanted to go home.

Jamie bumped me with his shoulder. Why don’t you go to the party with me? You might meet some people you’ll run into again in the fall.

I don’t know, James. Yes, my mother, perpetual voice of reason and cockblocker. He’s a little young for a college party.

"Aw, Sarah, let’s let him