Self-Help
By Norm Foster
()
About this ebook
A married pair of second-rate theatre actors cast themselves as nationally renowned self-help gurus. Their lives unravel in a farce as they try to conceal a body and hold on to their falsely won fame.
Norm Foster
Norm Foster has been the most produced playwright in Canada every year for the past twenty years. His plays receive an average of one hundred and fifty productions annually. Norm has over sixty plays to his credit, including The Foursome, On a First Name Basis, and Hilda’s Yard. He is the recipient of the Los Angeles Drama-Logue Award for his play The Melville Boys and is an Officer of the Order of Canada. He lives in Fredericton.
Read more from Norm Foster
The Ladies Foursome Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Office Hours Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Foursome Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOn a First Name Basis Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWrong for Each Other Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Watching Jeopardy Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Gentleman Clothier Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOpening Night Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsJenny's House of Joy Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Skin Flick Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsJonas and Barry in the Home Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOld Love Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDear Santa Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSinners Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Kiss the Moon, Kiss the Sun Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Melville Boys Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Long Weekend Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBedtime Stories Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHalfway There Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsJasper Station Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOutlaw Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsStorm Warning Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsNed Durango Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Writer Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHilda's Yard Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMending Fences Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Related to Self-Help
Related ebooks
Sweet and Twenty: A Comedy in One Act Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Scandaltown (NHB Modern Plays) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSt. Francis of Millbrook Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsUnder Wraps Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSinners Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Jenny's House of Joy Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Long Weekend Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsShining City (NHB Modern Plays) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsChange My Medication: 10 One-Act Plays Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPerfect Pie Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love and Human Remains Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOne Voice: House and Here Lies Henry Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsForever Yours, Marie-Lou Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Jekyll & Hyde (NHB Modern Plays) Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Days of Wine and Roses (NHB Modern Plays): Stage Version Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWhen the Rain Stops Falling (NHB Modern Plays) Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Rune Arlidge Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Dumb Waiter (SparkNotes Literature Guide) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThis Is What Happens Next Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFor the Pleasure of Seeing Her Again Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Birds (stage version) (NHB Modern Plays) Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Christopher Durang Explains It All for You: 6 Plays Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMy Old Lady: Complete Stage Play and Screenplay with an Essay on Adaptation Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Opening Night Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsKing Charles III (West End Edition) (NHB Modern Plays) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Christmas Carol (NHB Modern Plays): Old Vic Stage Version Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsNell Gwynn (NHB Modern Plays) Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5People Live Here: The Parkdale Trilogy: The Chance, Her Inside Life, and Kill the Poor Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSt Nicholas (NHB Modern Plays) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Doll's House Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Performing Arts For You
Becoming Free Indeed: My Story of Disentangling Faith from Fear Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Star Wars: Book of Lists Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Complete Sherlock Holmes Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book: The Script Book Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Romeo and Juliet Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Lucky Dog Lessons: From Renowned Expert Dog Trainer and Host of Lucky Dog: Reunions Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Oleson and Learned to Love Being Hated Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mash: A Novel About Three Army Doctors Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Storyworthy: Engage, Teach, Persuade, and Change Your Life through the Power of Storytelling Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Science of Storytelling: Why Stories Make Us Human and How to Tell Them Better Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Trial Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hollywood's Dark History: Silver Screen Scandals Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hamlet Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Diamond Eye: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Coreyography: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Wuthering Heights Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5For colored girls who have considered suicide/When the rainbow is enuf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Fifth Mountain: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Unsheltered: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Our Town: A Play in Three Acts Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Robin Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I'm Your Huckleberry: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Dolls House Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Strange Loop Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Agatha Christie Collection Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Art of Dramatic Writing: Its Basis in the Creative Interpretation of Human Motives Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Count Of Monte Cristo (Unabridged) Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Woman Is No Man: A Read with Jenna Pick Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Reviews for Self-Help
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
Self-Help - Norm Foster
ACT ONE
Scene 1
Time: Eight years ago.
Place: A dressing room at the Moonglow Dinner Theatre.
The dressing room is represented by two chairs and a make-up mirror. HAL and CINDY SAVAGE are preparing to go on for a performance. HAL sits in one chair applying make-up. CINDY is reading a book. They are both wearing bathrobes.
VOICE: ( off ) Mr. Savage and Mrs. Savage? Five minutes please.
HAL: Thank you!
CINDY: Thank you!
HAL: Closing night. Thank God. Five weeks on the same stage with Mitchell Quinty is like having Laurence Olivier for a dentist.
CINDY: What a steaming load of horse manure.
HAL: What?
CINDY: This book. Listen to this. ( She reads .) You’ve got to have faith in your ability to achieve worthy rewards. You can dwell in the misery of life, or you can choose to say, life is good.
HAL: What book is that?
CINDY: Oh, some self-help book that Mitchell loaned me.
HAL: Mitchell reads self-help books? The man should be reading an acting primer. And I’ll tell you this right now. If he grabs my ass before we go on tonight, I’m going to break his nose.
CINDY: He grabs your ass?
HAL: He’s grabbed it every night for the entire run. He says it’s for luck.
CINDY: He never grabs my ass.
HAL: Yes, well, I don’t think he’s hoping to get lucky with you.
CINDY: ( reading ) Focus your energies, funnel your abilities, and channel your desires.
Oh, please.
HAL: Which reminds me. Did I tell you what the director said to me on opening night? He said I didn’t seem focused. Focused? You try playing Felix Unger to a gay Oscar Madison. I dare you!
CINDY: You know, I could write this drivel.
HAL: What?
CINDY: This self-help malarkey. It’s just a bunch of generalities. It’s common sense rhetoric. Listen to this. Do not be concerned about where you are. It’s where you are going that counts.
HAL: Yes, well, I know where I’m going. To the nearest telephone to fire our agent for landing us in a show with Mitchell Quinty.
CINDY: Have you spoken to Ruby today?
HAL: No. She was supposed to call and let me know if I got that part in Edmonton.
CINDY: And if you do get it, you go off to Edmonton and I go home and we don’t see each other for six weeks.
HAL: I don’t like the thought of it anymore than you do, sweetheart, but it’s the nature of the business. We have to go where the work is.
CINDY: Work. When we don’t get it we complain because we’re broke, and when we do get it, we wind up being separated for weeks at a time. Now, this guy’s got the right idea.
HAL: What guy?
CINDY: This self-help guru. He does seminars, sells books, tapes. And he makes millions.
HAL: Yes, but is he fulfilled?
CINDY: ( looking at the cover ) He sure looks fulfilled. He’s got a nice tan too. Must have got that on that tropical island he owns. Hal, I think we’re in the wrong business.
HAL: Look, Cindy, this fellow may own a tropical island, but does he get the satisfaction of a warm round of applause from an appreciative audience every night? .
CINDY: He plays to sold out auditoriums two hundred nights a year.
HAL: Well, screw him then.
CINDY: You know, we could do this.
HAL: Do what?
CINDY: This self-help nonsense. I could write it and we could do it together.
HAL: Cindy, we’re actors.
CINDY: And that’s exactly why we could do it. Making people believe in a fantasy? We’re naturals for it.
HAL: Sorry, love. As much as this particular show has been a harrowing experience, my heart still belongs to the theatre. She’s my mistress. I could never leave her. I mean, we owe everything we have to her.
CINDY: Hal, we’re at the Moonglow Dinner Theatre on the outskirts of Flin Flon, Manitoba. Our entire wardrobe is stuffed into two hefty bags in the trunk of our nine year old Ford Tempo. Meanwhile, we live in a one bedroom apartment over a Thai Kosher restaurant and everything we own smells of curried makah. If theatre is our mistress, I say let’s dump the bitch.
HAL: No, I couldn’t. And neither could you and you know it.
CINDY: We’d get to spend more time together.
HAL: Cindy, we have been working together for the last five weeks.
CINDY: Yes, but imagine doing that fifty-two weeks a year. Every year.
HAL: It would be too much to hope for. All right, my love, time to go.
Beyond this door, our playground awaits.
CINDY: Playground. Then why do I feel like the cat’s always peeing in our sandbox? Hal, I really think we should give this self-help idea some serious thought.
HAL: Sorry, Cindy. The only thing that would make me leave the theatre right now would be if this show were held over and I were forced to act with Mitchell Quinty for one more agonizing night. That, my dear, would be the last straw.
VOICE: ( over an intercom ) Places please, for the top of act one. Places please. Thank you.
HAL: Now, let us away. We have tarried long enough so as to make our audience breathless with anticipation.
CINDY: I hope they’ve finished their cheesecake.
Lights down. The music begins for Scene 2 so that the scenes almost overlap.
Scene 2
Time: Seven years later.
Place: A sold out auditorium.
The stage is very softly lit. We hear the pre-recorded voice of an announcer over a dramatic and spirited piece of music.
ANNCR: ( over ) Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts and open your minds because you are about to experience the power of ‘The Savage