None to Help

None to Help

Alison M. Tomlinson

Copyright Alison M. Tomlinson 2018

Smashwords edition

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To my friends

(You know who you are.)

. . .they fell down, and there was none to help.

Psalm 107:12 (KJV)

CHAPTER 1

Surely, I can trust myself by now.

Nicole stared at the computer screen.

This was exactly what she’d hoped for.

This was exactly what she feared.

The time had come. She had to face it. She had to deal with it.

Come on, Nicole, you’re nearly thirty. You can’t wait forever.

She stood up and started to pace the small apartment. Just take a deep breath and calm down. She glanced out the window. The gyeong-bi was tidying up the recycled waste area. She smiled. The kind old man was super friendly to her as the only white foreigner in the apartment complex, and he was very patient with her clumsy attempts at pidgin Korean.

She returned to the computer and re-read the email.

Dear Nicole

I hope the students aren’t getting you down. It’s always a bit crazy just before finals, and I know it’s even harder when it’s your first semester. The university’s management fiascos are certainly frustrating, but I hope you can take them in your stride.

Having said how crazy busy we are, my reason for writing might seem a bit odd. I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner one night next week. It would be good to have a couple of hours away from the chaos. I heard you mention you’ve never tried samgye-tang. Soon Koreans will be telling you to eat it on the three hottest days in summer. If you have some now, you’ll know what they’re talking about.

If you’re too busy, we can take a rain check until after the finals and grading.

Dave

Nicole desperately wanted to reply immediately saying she’d be delighted to accept, but she remembered her Christian psychologist’s advice: Resist impulsive decisions about men. Take your time. Let your head rule your heart.

OK, Nicole. Do what your organized, disciplined, business-like father taught you to do. Make a list of pros and cons.

She got some paper and a pen out of the desk drawer. She decided to start with the pros. (No subjective feelings allowed. Just facts. ) She began to write.

No relationship for twelve years.

Cleared by psychologist and team leader eight years ago.

Avoided known triggers for eight years.

Remained accountable to team leader for eight years.

Nearly thirty. Time running out.

Dave is a good, respectable Christian.

She read the list. Surely, it was conclusive. You had to rest a broken leg, but there comes a time to try your weight on it again. This was the same thing. If she never tested herself, how would she know?

What about the cons? Were there any?

He’s Korean. Cultural differences.

In Korea. Out of comfort zone.

Work in the same place.

Age difference.

Don’t know him well.

Yes, there were some cons. But were they really cons? I know you want to rationalize these all away, but you can’t.

That wasn’t true. She could. Quite easily.

He wasn’t really Korean, he was a gyopo, a Korean American. He thought like a westerner, not a Korean. Of course, there were cultural differences between Americans and Brits, but much less than Koreans and Brits.

As for being in Korea, maybe being in a different country would keep her on her toes. Yes, maybe it was even an advantage. If she were in her comfort zone, she would be more likely to drop her guard.

They both taught English at the same university, but their different teaching schedules made them like ships that pass in the night. They occasionally met in the photocopy room. They were hardly under each other’s feet.

She knew Dave was thirty-five because nobody’s age is a secret in Korea due to the Confucian hierarchy. Nicole had tried hard to learn some Korean, but the honorific system drove her crazy. Not only did she have to get the grammar, vocabulary, and pronunciation right, she also had to choose the right level of language depending on the age and status of the person she was talking to and the person she was talking about. It did her head in. When she first arrived in Korea, she was offended by being constantly asked her age—a cultural no-no in Britain. Then she came to understand that everybody has to know everybody else’s age in order to choose the right honorific language level.

Dave was six years her senior. That wasn’t such a big age gap really. His maturity and greater experience of the world would surely be an asset to any future relationship. And as for not knowing him very well, going for dinner would be an excellent way to correct that.

It was just dinner. That’s all. She wouldn’t be expected to reveal her deepest secrets on a first date. She could just test the water. If it didn’t work out, there would be no second date. And that would be that.

She made it sound so clinical, dispassionate.

Who was she kidding?

It was time to think about feelings. Yes, she was attracted to him. Yes, she always hoped to see him in the photocopy room. Yes, she was drawn to him, and there was no denying it.

And yes, she was terrified. Was she really ‘cured’? Was a cure possible? If it went wrong, she could end up back at square one, nine years of work down the drain.

She put the pros and cons sheet aside, reached for the keyboard, and clicked the reply button.

Dear Dave

Thanks for the email.

I’m just about keeping my head above water with the work.

Thanks for the invitation. You’re right. It’s time to find out what samgye-tang tastes like.

Which evening would be good for you?

Take care

Nicole

She froze with the pointer over the send button. She felt like she was about to dive off a cliff into unknown waters.

She should wait. She should pray. She should contact someone in her support group back in England or maybe talk to Betsy, the minister’s wife.

No, it was time to grow up, to make her own decisions, to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility for her own actions.

She clicked the send button.

There. It was done. It was decided.

Now to get back to work. She re-opened the document she had been working on before the email arrived. She was writing the final exam paper for her composition class. She really must finish it today.

She wrote one line. She re-wrote it. Then she deleted it. She told herself to concentrate but her mind was elsewhere. What restaurant would he take her to? Would she make a fool of herself eating with chopsticks? Had Dave dated a British woman before? What would they talk about? She imagined the scene, and her brain immediately flipped into fantasy mode.

She shook her head and forced her mind back to final exam preparation.

She wrote one more.

Then she gave up, went into the bedroom, and opened the wardrobe door.

What was she going to wear?

CHAPTER 2

Paul, if you want to communicate with your average plebeian, you need to bring your vocabulary down a notch. Nicole handed Paul his marked composition homework.

What’s a plebeian? asked Cameron.

You are, said Johnny.

A plebeian is a member of the lower social classes, said Nicole, glaring at Johnny. "And Johnny, if you want a good grade, you need to bring your vocabulary up a notch. ‘Hey dudes, you wanna chill out?’ is totally unacceptable language in an academic composition as I’ve told you a hundred times." Johnny smirked, and Nicole wanted to hit him. Maintain professionalism, Nicole.

In general, she liked teaching this special class—a small group of students with a high level of English, who used English names. It contrasted sharply with her other classes—teaching ‘Do you like bananas? Yes, I do. No, I don’t.’ to thirty students with impossibly similar Korean names, who made no effort to hide the fact they would much rather be out on the soccer field. However, Johnny tried her patience. She knew he was only doing this course because it was an easy option. He’d been brought up in the Philippines. English came naturally.

But we’re all going to get good grades in this class, right? Johnny’s stunningly beautiful girlfriend, Mimi, flashed her killer smile at Nicole.

It’s true, in such a small class, the university does not place restrictions on the grading curve, and it’s possible for you to all get A+. Mimi clapped and cheered but soon stopped when Nicole added, But it’s also possible for you to all get F.

You wouldn’t do that, would you? asked Vanessa. She was slumped in her chair looking grumpy as usual.

I will award grades based on merit, said Nicole.

This is your first semester in Korea, right? said Mimi, You don’t understand how things work here. It’s usual for students in small classes to all get good grades. Prof Lee always does that.

Nicole did not want to be reminded she was the new girl. Nor did she want to be reminded that her attempts to clarify the university’s grading policy had brought vague and conflicting responses from different members of staff.

I can’t comment on what Professor Lee does—

He’s tenure track and head of department, interjected Mimi.

Yes, he is, but my understanding is that the government is putting pressure on universities to raise standards. Policies are changing. I have to account for my teaching. I repeat, I will be grading this class on merit.

Of course, she wouldn’t be awarding grades until after the final exams, but she already had a good idea how it would work out. Paul was clearly an A+. The two girls would do quite well, but they weren’t in Paul’s league. Cameron really struggled academically. She wasn’t sure why he’d chosen this course, but he made an effort, and she would find him a pass grade. Johnny was the wildcard. He was lazy. He just did enough to pass, then went off to practise taekwondo. However, he was capable of pulling off a first class final exam.

Now, I want to discuss the content of your last assignment. As I’ve said many times, I want to hear your true opinion, and I also want you to effectively argue for that opinion. She wrote the title of the assignment on the whiteboard, Family: The Basic Unit of Society. Some of you just gave me the standard Korean perspective on this. That’s fine if it is truly your perspective too, but you must explain why you hold that opinion. Some of you simply threw out the concept of family without adequate explanation.

She means me, said Johnny, smirking again.

Yes, Johnny, and the only reason you gave was that people should be allowed to do what they want.

Well, they should, said Johnny defiantly.

They should be allowed to rape and murder people? said Vanessa, sitting up in her chair.

Don’t be stupid. You know I didn’t mean that.

There is an incontrovertible requirement for established society to mandate behavioural restrictions for the betterment of the populace at large, said Paul.

Johnny laughed. Most people choose Harry Potter for light bedtime reading, not the dictionary.

Here we go. The constant friction between Johnny and Paul made managing this class very awkward at times. They were chalk and cheese, Paul a bookworm, Johnny a rebel. Naturally handsome, Paul put little effort into his appearance beyond the standard requirements for conservative Koreans. Johnny, on the other hand considered himself the coolest dude on the block. The hairstyle alone must have cost a small fortune to maintain— a mass of dyed ash blond hair thrown forward over his dark, Korean eyes in a pseudo casual way.

And Nicole could not claim to be unbiased. She favoured Paul. She had known his parents in England when she was a child. His father studied theology there, and he and his wife were friendly with Nicole’s parents. Paul’s father now pastored an English ministry at a large church in Seoul, and Nicole attended. His parents had kind of adopted her, and they were delighted Paul was in her class. Paul wanted to be a missionary doctor and was doing a double major in life sciences and English. His father held a traditional Korean view of education and pressed his son to memorize reams of English vocabulary.

Nicole tried to handle the Johnny/Paul conflict in an impartial, professional manner.

But it was difficult.

Johnny, how would you simplify Paul’s statement? Johnny shrugged. Come on. You criticized it. Tell us how to improve it.

He’s saying we have to stop people doing stuff that hurts others, said Johnny reluctantly.

Good, and how does that relate to the issue of family?

It doesn’t. How does it affect others if I spend my life fucking goats rather than getting married and having two point four children?

Nicole hated dealing with Johnny’s little rebellions. In her other classes, the Korean respect for teachers was generally accepted. In this foreign-influenced class, she was constantly juggling between maintaining an open atmosphere for discussion, and maintaining discipline.

Johnny, I will not tolerate that kind of language. If you can’t discuss this in a sensible way, you can leave the class right now.

Will it affect my grade if I leave?

Of course.

Johnny leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.

Vanessa turned to Johnny, I’d like to know what your girlfriend thinks about your attitude to family.

Mimi glared at her. Vanessa was her best friend, but everybody knew Vanessa enjoyed stirring things up, causing a small war, and then making a quick exit.

I think Johnny has a point, said Mimi, After all, gay marriage is now legal in a lot of countries. It’s only boring Korea that stays in the dark ages. Thirty percent of the population is Christian, and they force their morality on the rest of us.

Secular social analysts also concur with the hypothesis . . . Paul caught Nicole’s raised eyebrows, . . . agree with the idea that society collapses when the family unit breaks down.

Vanessa ignored Paul and said to Mimi, So, it’s OK your boyfriend just uses you to boost his image and doesn’t give a damn about you.

The self-satisfied smirk left Johnny’s face. He actually stood up behind his desk and took a step towards Vanessa.

Sit down, commanded Nicole with all the authority she could muster. She was losing control. She should have nipped this conversation in the bud. Please, everybody, get a grip. This is a university English class in case you’ve forgotten.

Johnny reluctantly slid back into his chair and retaliated with I wonder what Dave thinks about the family unit..

What’s that got to do with anything? asked Nicole.

You’re going on a date with him tonight, aren’t you?

The other students looked up with interest. Nicole felt herself blush and hated herself for it. I don’t know how you know that, but it’s none of your business. She groped around for a way to take back control of the conversation and said, Cameron, you haven’t said anything. What do you think? She immediately regretted this. Cameron didn’t contribute because he couldn’t keep up with the rapid exchange of English. When directly asked a question, he would look flustered and pause while he mentally concocted an acceptable answer. Johnny would not conceal his contempt. Nicole tried not to put Cameron on the spot too often.

After a few seconds, Cameron replied, I agree Paul. Family important for society.

Vanessa turned and smiled at Paul. If you’re so keen on the family unit, why don’t you find a girlfriend?

Paul looked embarrassed and said, I’m concentrating on my studies. I’m only twenty-two. I have plenty of time before I marry.

Come on, there’s a distinct lack of tall, dark, handsome young men in the dating game round here.

Nicole sighed and started to lose it. What’s wrong with you guys? You are the future of Korea. Your finals are approaching rapidly, and I can’t get a serious discussion out of you on a fundamental issue that will affect every aspect of your lives.

The classroom went quiet. Nicole glanced at her watch. It was ten to five, a little early to finish but no one would complain. Nicole took a deep breath. O.K. We’ll finish there. If you have questions about your assignment, please ask me individually. See you next time. She turned back to the desk to collect her belongings as chairs were scraped back and vacated. She intended to catch Paul to offer him some encouragement after his treatment by the other students, but when she turned around he was already darting out the door with Cameron in hot pursuit.

* * * * * * * *

Cameron was desperate to talk to Paul. This was his chance. He couldn’t let him get away.

Paul was walking briskly down the corridor towards the lifts, just a few metres ahead. Cameron would easily catch him at the lifts. But then another classroom door opened, and out streamed a mass of students, all slinging backpacks over their shoulders, intent on getting home. Cameron was caught in the rush. He shouted in Korean, Paul, wait. I’ve got to talk to you. Paul turned, saw him, and started running. Cameron pushed his way frantically through the crowd. The students glared and shouted abuse, but he didn’t care. He felt like his life was over. He knew the other students saw him as a short, dumpy nerd. They used honorific language to him due to his superior age, but then treated him with disdain. At this moment, that wasn’t important. Only one thing mattered.

Cameron managed to grab Paul’s elbow just as he was about to enter the lift. Please, Paul. You’ve got to help me.

I can’t help you. Let go.

You’re the only one who understands. There’s no one else I can talk to.

I’ll pray for you, said Paul, wrestling himself out of Cameron’s grip. The lift had gone, so he started towards the stairs. Cameron followed.

What good will that do, said Cameron angrily. You know as well as I do it doesn’t work.

Paul stopped and turned. We have to trust God. He’s the only one who can help.

OK. Let’s go have coffee, and you can explain why faith in God is the answer.

‘No. Talk to a pastor."

Shall I go talk to your father? said Cameron quietly. Their eyes locked and unspoken understanding passed between them. Paul opened his mouth to speak, then pursed his lips, and turned way.

He walked straight into Vanessa and Mimi.

Paul, would you like to come for a coffee, said Vanessa in English. Cameron knew she was using English to cut him out of the conversation. I’d really like to ask you how you get such good grades in composition. Maybe you can give us some tips for the final exam.

I have to get home, said Paul. The lift had returned, and he followed a group of students into it. Cameron stepped in, but the weight alarm sounded, and he was forced to step back.

You should try working out at the gym and lose a few pounds, said Vanessa, as she and Mimi headed for the stairs.

Cameron was left alone in the now deserted corridor. He headed for the toilets where no one would see him cry.

* * * * * * * *

You’re so transparent, said Mimi.

Listen who’s talking, Miss Supermodel.

Vanessa and Mimi continued in English to keep their conversation private from other students on the stairs.

I don’t throw myself at men like you just did. I don’t need to.

"Men use you, Mimi, don’t you realize that? Johnny Just considers you a trophy. He parades you around. Look at me. I pulled the best looking girl in the university."

Mimi stopped on a landing and turned to Vanessa. Is he using me, or am I using him?

What does that mean?