Gloateus Maximus: Inside Lives of Personal Trainers

Publication:

Editorial/production: D.A Editorial Consulting. Cover design: Roger James: Graphic Artist Illustrator

www.rjamesgallery.com: Tel:301-922-4539

All rights reserved.

Copyright ©Dan & Laurent Amzallag 2006

Published in Rockville, Maryland by:

Pro-Ace International Publishing Group 122 Gold Kettle Drive

Gaithersburg, MD 20878

E-mail: publishing@proaceintl.com

Library of Congress Control Number: 2005902412

No part of this book may be reproduced, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, magnetic, and photographic including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior written permission of the publisher or author.

ISBN No: 0-9688644-3-0

First Printing in 2006

Printed in the United States of America

This publication is designed to provide information on the subject covered. It is sold in the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required during acquisition process, the services of competent professionals should be sought.

The authors and Pro-Ace International, individually or corporately, do not accept any responsibility for any liabilities resulting from the actions of any parties involved.

Acknowledgment

We would like to thank everyone and anyone that enabled us to write this book. It is through behavior analysis, interviews; lots of reading of magazines, newspapers, books, seminars that we were able to write a book that divulges our sense of humor to all of you. It is now that we decided to open our world to you, our lives, our secrets, our sarcasm, and everything you wanted to know about what happens in a gym environment.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our world. We hope you’ll have as much fun reading as we had writing. This book is rated R. Readers discretion is advised. This book contains sexual content that might shock the innocent mind.

Have fun!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Part I

PREFACE

Introduction

Gym Personal-E-Tease

Something before chapter I

Chapter One (One in English): Also called January: The Gym is packed: Yep! The New Year Resolution!

Chapter 2: February : The month of love!

Chapter III: March: Getting ready for what can be a beautiful summer

Chapter Quattro (Four in Spanish): April: Still getting ready!

Chapter cinq: May: Not yet there

Chapter Chesh (6 in Hebrew): June: Dammm! The kids are off school

Chapter Sieben ( Seven in German): July: Family summer vacation

Chapter Otto (Eight in Italian): August: Summer is almost over

Chapter Negen (Nine for September): September: Quantum leap to reality

Chapter Dez (Ten in Portuguese): October: Change in weather=change of body size

Chapter Eleve (Eleven in Norvegian): November: Turkey industry goes crazy, and so as our insulin spike

Chapter Twelve (Since English is still a predominant language in the world): December: Santa is coming to town

Part II

Basic Principles you all need to know about

How to find the right gym, and the right personal trainer????

Here are some few tips for the right gym etiquette:

How to recover from life ailments:

•  Recover from a strenuous cardio work-out

•  Recover from a cold

•  Recover from pumpin’ da waits

•  Recover from relationship break-up

•  Recover from a hangover

•  Recover from....well...performance anxiety

Bodybuilding as an aphrodisiac Plastic Surgery: Good and bad Food Supplements:

Part III:

Interviews with trainers

Part IV:

Nutrition:

INTRODUCTION:

How Society Perceives You Versus How You Perceive Yourself

About Nutrition:

How do we gain weight?

Managing Your Nutrients

Motivation: The One Unique Factor for Success

The method: Phase I of losing weight

Practical Part of the program: Phase I

Menu Samples

Phase II: Maintenance phase

Menu Sample

Summary of Phase II: Maintenance phase

Conclusion of part V

PART I

Preface

This book is dedicated to, well, everyone. Now you might ask yourself, Why on earth did we write a book like this? Gloateus Maximus (which can also be read as Gluteus Maximus) is the Latin term for the human butt. This body part is an obsession in today’s society. J.Lo’s gluteus maximus makes headlines; everyone (mostly women, and some men, of course) is looking for the ideal butt. To reach that specific goal, going to the gym and working out is necessary. Nothing comes easily. From squats to lunges, abductors to adductors, these exercises are a prerequisite for that ideal butt. Most people have no knowledge of how to exercise specific body parts and ask the help of personal trainers. We are then pressured to help these individuals reach their goals of attaining that perfect butt. Finally, having that perfect butt makes you gloat.

This butt book is a satire of personal training, how personal trainers view regular people and how the outside world perceives us. Some think that personal trainers act as G.O.s (Gracious Organizers) from Club Med while their clients are G.M. (Very Gracious Members). But for the most part, we are obligated to follow a strong code of ethics that keeps us on a straight line. Personal trainers are well-educated individuals who are required to obtain national certification and approval to work in the field. The certification exams are NOT a joke. After completing the required apprenticeship, you can practically consider yourself a doctor, physical therapist, and nutritionist, all in one package. We do not call our clients patients and we can’t prescribe medication, but we know as much as any medical practitioner out there.

For many people, personal trainers act mostly as Psychologists, for others, Psychiatrists. We are practiced at listening to others’ problems. Knowledge about health is important to be able to attract clients, but it is not the sole factor clients use to choose between the personal trainers walking around the neighborhood health clubs. Reputation is key; popularity is helpful; being known by sight by the health club members is paramount. Why do some succeed in this field and others languish with the same clients for years? Personality makes a world of difference. Gym members seek a personal trainer with a great personality, an excellent sense of humor, and superb listening skills (we’ve got tons of stories for you). Clients are not looking for lessons on every muscle group while working out. Those trainers are BORING! Great, you have knowledge of kinesiology, but why bore your client with medical terms such as vastis medialis, soleus, or pectoralis major? Clients are not going to the gym to repeat their high school biology class; they want to have fun. Working out is already a pain to perform, without the added medical terms. Keep it simple. Make it exciting.

Personal trainers need to build a new reputation. We need to re-educate the world on the personal training industry. Our true value comes from being individuals with one goal in mind: Helping you to attain the body you desire so you can lead a long and healthy life!

Introduction

In this book we use several different approaches to tell our story: monthly schedules, dialogues, stories, gym personal-e-tease interactions (which will be described shortly), and other concepts that make this book funny, sarcastic, easy to read, and right to the point. My brother and I are personal trainers and we are here to let you know the deep secrets of our lives. This is not an autobiography; it is an accumulation of many stories we’ve encountered in our work. It is only those working in the industry that can truly poke fun at themselves. Personal trainers need to be funny and entertaining to keep themselves IN the race. And it IS a race for all of us. Results are what make the difference. If a personal trainer begins training a client at a gym, other members will notice the results within the following months. If a positive change in the client’s body is apparent, other gym members will seek the expertise of that particular trainer, simple as that.

Gym members judge personal trainers by their ability to help clients change their bodies. This standard is a bit unfair. If, for instance, client A works out with trainer A for several months but sees no difference or positive changes in the body of client A during this time, several questions might arise for the trainer:

Am I doing something wrong?

Should I reassess the workout schedule with my client and see how can I make it more strenuous?

Should I add more cardio exercise to increase loss of weight? What needs to be done? What will other members think of me now?

As you can see, the personal trainer will automatically find himself at fault. He worries that his knowledge base is not sufficient or his workout plan was not appropriate since he/she was not able to make the client lose the weight or tone the muscles.

Let see it in from different perspective.

Personal trainer B trains client B appropriately, including a ferocious cardio workout and proper resistance training, but still no positive results. Why is that? Maybe client B finds himself hungry after the workouts and stuffs himself each time with a couple of 16-inch pizzas. While the personal trainer tries his best to solve a problem, the client destroys the solution through lack of self-control and poor eating habits.

Do you get my point?

These cases are somewhat rare, but all personal trainers have their little secrets and horror stories to share. With this book, we are opening the doors, ladies and gentlemen, to a world full of humor, happiness, and sadness. Hold on tight, it’s going to be an interesting ride!

Before we start entertaining you, this next section is for those who have no clue what personal trainers do, how to find one, what they offer, or what to expect from them. Even though most of our readers have already encountered a personal trainer, we would like to educate those who haven’t yet had the privilege to know one.

Personal Training Defined

Apersonal trainer is a fitness professional who is qualified to design exercise programs to fit the differing requirements of any individual. A qualified trainer has a great deal of knowledge and experience in principles of anatomy, physiology, and kinesiology. With their experience and powerful motivational skills (maybe as good as Anthony Robbins in Personal Power), trainers can help you reach your goals faster than if you work out alone.

As we all know, training muscles is more of an individual sport, done alone with headphones and good music. However, for those looking for added motivation to push them further, personal trainers can be a wise choice. Also, the trainer teaches you how to perform an exercise routine properly to avoid injury. Personal trainers help you start a safe and successful fitness program that will benefit you for years to come. They can provide you with a weight loss program, a strength and endurance training regimen, or a cardio and resistance training plan to isolate precise body parts that need more attention than others.

Many people ask me about the advantages of working with a personal trainer. When you need the house cleaned, you call a cleaning lady. When you need landscaping done, you call a landscaping professional. When you want the paint on your house to look good, you call a reputable painter. Well, if you want your body to look amazing, you call a personal trainer. We exercise with you at a time that is convenient to you. We always provide you with personal feedback on what you do well or need to work on. When working with a personal trainer, you pay for his full attention. Since you have someone who will get your ass working whether you like it or not, you can assure yourself of progress, which will eventually motivate you by itself.

Let’s talk about what’s going to come out of your wallet when you seek the services of a personal trainer: They are not cheap. If you want a good one, you will need to ask the sales representative at a gym for a training staff and certification list. You can dish out 55 to 125 dollars per hour, depending on your geographic location and the expertise of the trainer. If you want someone with 20 years experience, expect to pay for his maturity.

Also, when you buy sessions, buy them in groups of five or ten; they are always less expensive than if you buy them a la carte.

You might be wondering if you need a home equity loan to maintain a personal trainer. Not exactly. Those who can afford one on a daily basis, kudos to you; you’ve succeeded financially. However, if you are not one of the fortunate ones but still want to lead a healthy life, you can always use a personal trainer for a couple of sessions and learn as much as possible. Perhaps all you need from the trainer is a personalized workout program. You do not need to see the trainer every week to achieve a positive change, but please note that, if you are new to the gym, more than a couple of sessions will be required for you to become accustomed to the exercises. After you purchase your sessions, do not take them all at once; take time to digest the information so you can learn at your own pace. The amount of information shared in one hour can be overwhelming.

When you meet your trainer for the first time, consider if he is someone that you want to deal with on a regular basis. Also, find out if this job for him is a hobby or a career. A real personal trainer will ask you to fill out a PAR-Q (Physical Activity Readiness Questionnaire). This form asks about your medical history and serves as a safety precaution for both you and the personal trainer. If you have had any serious health problems in the past, the trainer will advise you to seek your doctor’s approval before training. For the trainer, the form helps them assess your physical capabilities. Any gym can provide you with the PAR-Q but you should wait until the trainer asks before completing it. You are about to make drastic and positive changes in your life that you and others will notice and that will enhance your self-esteem and help you reach any goals you set in your life.

The next section of this book will help you learn to identify certain personalities common to all gyms across our dear planet earth. These personal-e-tease are simply a fact of our environment and we are pleased to describe some of them to you. After reading about them, I am certain you will be able to point out examples in your own gym. Some of these personalities will even describe you. Here’s hoping that no one takes offense.

Gym Personal-e-tease

If you use a gym, you’re probably familiar with the personalities I’ll be talking about. They’re in every health club on planet earth. Seems they were all born from the same mother.

What are they, you might ask. Let me run them down for you.

Cardio-nuts: These are members who come in about twice a day and run for a couple of hours on the treadmill, then another hour on the step machine, and finish off with thirty minutes of recumbent bike. All of these exercises in one session, usually between six and nine in the morning. But that’s just the morning shift—they come back at night for an hour of spinning. Why all this cardio? Are they feeling guilty about something? A bit more of the cardio pump and they’ll fit in the tiniest crack in the wall! Being able to count every bone of your body by just looking yourself in the mirror is not quite the healthiest option. Some suffer from anorexia or bulimia, and feel constantly guilty or fear of being overweight. They tend to adapt a proactive approach to their fear by working out so much. Try telling them that over-training has its drawbacks, and they answer you with the meanest look. Why bother? I just say, looking good! and go on my merry, finely-cut way.

Massive nuts: Now this one is common to all gyms. They hate cardio, and spend most of their hours pumping iron, working on building the most massive body. Most of them are loners; they pump iron, for several hours, then leave the gym. When you attempt to talk to them, they are very nice, a bit shy, but often with very interesting stories.

Social nuts: They are, as the name suggests, the social butterflies of the gym. Everyone knows them, whether they want to or not. They’re a lot like characters on Cheers. You got it: everybody knows their names. Most of their time is spent trying to meet new people, forgetting the reason they are truly supposed to be at the gym, which is, I sometimes have to remind people, working out. For social nuts, a good pump is the cell-phone number of a beautiful gym member, female, in most cases.

Narcissist nuts: You find them everywhere, including out of the gym. They always need to look beautiful for the mirror. They pump one specific muscle in the body and then have to pose and ask the mirror, Who’s the fairest one of all. They flex their muscles a couple of times then return to working out. Though mostly men, women do it as well. Oh, yes. They work out, feel a little bit of sweat falling from their forehead, then it’s off to the locker room to put on more make-up and dry their hair. After each set, they go back to the locker room and do it all over again. That’s their ritual. It’s fun to watch!

Want-to-impress nuts: This is a quite interesting personality—very suicidal. They want to impress their peers by the amount of weight they can press or bench. Most of the time, they’re new to the sport and want to lift more than they can handle to obtain respect. Awful form, but you can’t tell them anything. A want-to-impress nut will put up several hundred pounds on the bench press. Results? Backaches, muscle pull, maybe even a trip to the E.R.

Ego-nuts: Not quite the same as narcissist-nuts. This one is often quite interesting, but quite annoying sometimes. Anyone seen Pumping Iron with, well, the governor of Califohhhhhnia? Yep! The famous Arnold Schwarzenegger. I can quite understanding why Arnold assumed this personality. Hell, he had the body to show for. Impossible to find as perfect a body as his these days. Well, you can find the same egocentric type in any gym today. They talk about themselves constantly, the new inch that popped up off the bicep, last weekend’s conquest, etc. They can go on and on and on – and usually do. Before you know it, your work-out is spent pumping bullshit from your ears. If you have time to burn, they can be quite amusing. However, a couple of hours spent with an ego-nut, and you might just jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.

There are many more personal-e-tease that you will encounter at the gym. Some have nicknames. Yep! They deserve them. Between personal trainers, you will hear the craziest names. I sometimes burst out laughing at some of them.

A friend in the business has earned the nickname Three-head Gibson. Why three heads? Well, reading a biological book, you will notice that all human beings have heads (in most cases), of course. But some have dedicated their lives to building what we call the trapezius, a muscle located in each side of the head, close to the neck, which, when they are really pumped, tend to stick up very prominently. In my friend’s case, they are so huge that they look like twin heads on each side of the one he was born with.

Another noteworthy nickname is Eclipse. This guy had such huge latissimus dorsi (lats, in the trade) that when he spread his wings, he blocked out the sun, like a mythological beast of some sort! Other nicknames are given to those who do deserve them. The nicknames are not similar to the personal-e-tease, however, they can be based on them.

You get my point. Now, let’s start with what you are all looking forward to. I will now turn to the main part of the book. Welcome to our personal lives.....

Something before Chapter I.

How are we being perceived by the outside world and vice versa.

This question lurks in the minds of gym members around the world. I was once in the same position. Being younger, I’ve perceived personal trainers as being Doctors of Muscles. Going to the gym was intimidating, looking at all the strong and healthy personal trainers. My brother and I were getting more and more involved in building muscles (especially after viewing Pumping Iron, with, of course, the legendary Ahhhhhnold!).

Once we’d seen it(my brother and I) a couple hundred times, we decided to embark on a new journey. Suffering myself from obesity, I found it difficult to go to the gym—just too intimidating. So we decided to purchase weight-lifting equipment and built a little gym in the basement of our house. Every morning, before school, we used to wake up at six to pump Da weights. While my brother was pumping up his chest everyday (we didn’t know the concepts of resting periods), I was exercising my biceps and triceps. Since we didn’t have much choice in the training routine, we were improvising our workouts to get our bodies to respond quicker. As teenagers, our muscles weren’t mature enough to grow the way we expected. It took time, and in high school, we had plenty of time. I started to see drastic changes in my body, and self-esteem. My brother was getting his chest the size of the Austrian Oak, and I was getting myself in great shape. The body tends to respond quicker to severe workouts. The love of feeling iron in our hands was becoming scary. We were getting obsessed with weights, both suffering from biggerexia. It was becoming a routine part of our lives. Days without it made us feel like crap. We needed it.

Once I moved on to a gym facility, it opened new horizons. More potential for growth in terms of body size. I was in awe of all the new opportunities I saw: Smith machines, quad sleds, preacher bars, and things I didn’t even know existed but soon did. In the beginning, I hesitantly approached the personal trainers for help, not knowing exactly what to ask, and scared to be laughed at if I asked stupid questions. Personal trainers have a tremendous amount of knowledge in the field, and stupid questions can annoy them, though their professionalism tells them not to show it. Once the fear of asking questions diminished, I was able to converse with them and see how much of a great resource they can be,