The Medicine Wheel for Step Parents: A Disaster Manual When Someone Has More Rights Than Step Parents

The Medicine Wheel

For Step Parents

A Disaster Manual When

Someone Has More Rights

Than Step Parents

By

Mary Jane Grange, R.N.

About the Cover

Authors usually try to represent their entire book by the picture which they have chosen for their book cover. A picture is worth a thousand words. My picture on my book cover follows this tradition. Step parents, and even biological parents, have become like driftwood-neither root nor branch. Step parents and biological parents are expected to accent their homes while confined to a corner of their property and then walled-off with stone walls-built by step children and children. Step parents are expected to watch others bloom, but not bloom themselves. The Lord expects fruit on these branches. (John 15:5; Malachi 4:1-6; Doctrine and Covenants 2:1-3)

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Copyright 2008 Mary Jane Grange.

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Contents

Acknowledgments

Prologue

The Stages of Blending Families

Chapter One The Stages of Blending Families

Chapter Two Mom Said: ‘I Could Have That’.

Chapter Three Issues of Attention, Broken Wing Acts, and Power and Control

Chapter Four I Do Not Need Another Mother. I Already Have One.

Chapter Five| I Have More Rights in This House Than You Do!

Where Does This Lead?

Chapter Six I Am Not Ready for Mom or Dad to Date Yet!

Chapter Seven I Cannot Afford to Buy Something for Someone Who Is Not Really Related to Me.

Chapter Eight Anyway, There Is No Proof.

Chapter Nine Keep Each Other Functioning!

Chapter Ten The Rest of the Story

Chapter Eleven Jesus Is a Step Child, Too!

The Medicine Wheel That Helps

Chapter Twelve The Medicine Wheel for Families

Chapter Thirteen But We Are Not Really Family!

Chapter Fourteen You May Win the Battle, But You Will Lose the War!

Chapter Fifteen The Heimlich Maneuver Found in Isaiah

Chapter Twenty The Unjust Judge

Chapter Seventeen Amazing Grace

Chapter Eighteen They Commanded That I Should Remain With Them!

Chapter Nineteen Neither Root Nor Branch

Epilogue

To Joseph of Bethlehem

To Joseph Of Bethlehem

Author Mary Jane Grange

Endnotes:

To Joseph

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank my husband for his support in my many endeavors. He has always been the wind beneath my wings because he was never threatened when I took flight and never laughed when I crash-landed. My husband, our children, our grandchildren, and our greatgrandchildren have been some of my greatest teachers. Because of the passing of their dear mother and grandmother, these individuals are now labeled steps. By society’s standards, steps are to be intimidated, isolated, ignored, and then discarded. I would have missed a lot if I had not married my husband and learned from the trials of our families.

I would like to thank the following: Morris Kjar, Ron Collins, Michael McShane, Glen Cameron, Dr. Owen Asplund, PhD, and Dr. Paul C. Singleton, PhD. They were always willing to listen, answer my questions, help me retrieve data on my computer, and fix my printer. Your help was deeply appreciated.

Lastly, I would like to acknowledge and thank my mutual teacher, Hortense Singleton. She was my Laurel Teacher for three years in Laramie, Wyoming. Her lessons were not based on crafts, make-overs, and sports. I will be eternally grateful. Because of her teachings, I was able to comfort my child, my patients, and myself when I was tired, stressed, and busy with my family and nursing career. My patients were also grateful. If you have ever held a life in your hands, you will know how precious a good example is when you are tired.

All footnotes from individuals have been used with permission. The text of the four scriptures, The Holy Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, and The Pearl of Great Price are in public domain. I do not translate doctrine for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My stewardship is to try to apply the teachings of the scriptures and The Church of Jesus Christ to my life.

Mary Jane Grange, R.N.

16   Then came there two women, that were harlots, unto the king, and stood before him.

17   And the one woman said, O my lord, I and this woman dwell in one house; and I was delivered of a child with her in the house.

18   And it came to pass the third day after that I was delivered, that this woman was delivered also: and we were together; there was no stranger with us in the house, save we two in the house.

19   And this woman’s child died in the night; because she overlaid it.

20   And she arose at midnight, and took my son from beside me, while thine handmaid slept, and laid it in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom.

21   And when I rose in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead: but when I had considered it in the morning, behold, it was not my son, which I did bear.

22   And the other woman said, Nay; but the living is my son, and the dead is thy son. And this said, No; but the dead is thy son, and the living is my son. Thus they spake before the king.

23   Then said the king, The one saith, This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead: and the other saith, Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the living.

24   And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the king.

25   And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.

26   Then spake the woman whose the living child was unto the king, for her bowels yearned upon her son, and she said,

O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it. But the other said, Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it.

27   Then the king answered and said, Give her the living child, and in no wise slay it: she is the mother thereof.

-King Solomon,

1 Kings 3:16-27, The Holy Bible

Prologue

When my husband and I married, we thought that we were beginning a process to blend our two families. We knew that this process would not be easy, but we were willing to try. To our surprise, we discovered that we were in a process to keep families apart.

When prospective step parents marry, they are also thinking they are beginning a process to blend their families. They are not. Most usually, they are in a process which will keep their families apart, too. This process will be initiated by the children of both parents, their grandparents, divorced spouses, counselors, friends, neighbors, or all of the above. Even parents and step parents may feel more comfortable by keeping both families apart.

When their parents remarry, children think they must begin a process which will preserve their inheritances and what is left of their family. Hopefully, they will preserve the memory of their absent parent also. Children may want to preserve their family with the best of intentions. This will never happen if they isolate their step parent and step siblings. This book explains why.

When the two opposing forces in a step family collide, most step parents try reading books which give them ten steps to step parental bliss. Step parents soon discover there is no real help in these books. These books are too sugar-coated, too generalized, and too easy to minimize everyone’s behavior. These books are written so prospective step parents will not become overwhelmed and decide not to marry. However, step parents and step children are overwhelmed and are afraid. The problems of step parenting still remain. We all are in water over our head.

There are things that can help step parents and step children with the issues that arise. It is easier to learn about the things that overwhelm parents and step children before the situation happens. Step parents will have more success if they learn about these things when they are not under so much stress. Everyone thinks more clearly when they are not angry or hurting.

Most books and most counselors advise new step parents to do nothing for at least a year. It is easier to avoid each other to avoid conflicts and frustrations. The prophet Isaiah tells us in Isaiah 58:7 to not hide ourselves from our own flesh or families. I do not recommend this. Most step parents are related distantly to their step children. Doing nothing for family is unrealistic.

Many topics related to step parenting are discussed in this book. Some topics are discussed intensely. Since I am not a general with advanced degrees in psychology and family therapy, I chose books that teach step parents how to parent. These books are the greatest textbooks of all time. No one can replace them. They teach truth-not theory or philosophy.

These books are The Holy Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, and The Pearl of Great Price. The Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ and His teachings. The Book of Mormon is not a replacement for The Holy Bible. The Doctrine and Covenants is not a replacement for The Book of Mormon. The Doctrine and Covenants is a compilation of many revelations and history given to Latter-day prophets for latter-day families. The Pearl of Great Price contains The Book of Moses and The Book of Abraham. There are stories in these books about early-day families and their struggles. It is most enlightening when the truths from all four scriptures are put together. They do not conflict with one another. I call them the Lord’s Textbooks.

My husband and I are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, commonly known as The Mormon Church. Our church and its members have had many

struggles. Nevertheless, our church believes in doing good to all men. Our church is also famous for pulling the sheep out of the many pits in which they are in many lands. To do this, the members of The Church of Jesus Christ use the Lord’s textbooks and a lot of elbow grease.

Step parenting today is a pit as grievous as the plagues of Egypt were to the Hebrews and the Egyptians. Our Heavenly Father pulled these opposing forces out of the mire many times. Unfortunately, He allowed each to experience what one had done to the other. The Hebrews and Egyptians can understand what walking a mile in each other’s shoes really means.

There is a correct way to pull the many step families out of the mire in which they are in. It is not as easy as one would like, but practice and self control is all that is required. However, one must learn self-control and persistence while being victimized or ignored purposely. It is easy to be in control of our emotions when everything is running smoothly.

This type of self control is best learned line up on line, precept upon precept. One builds a house, paints a picture, or does cross-stitch step by step, degree by degree, or line upon line. Changes within ourselves are made the same way.

Lastly, this book is not a story about my step family experience! This book is about the pits that every step family endures. Your experiences in the pits of families and step families will be unique. All step families have common threads of dysfunction because we are all human.

I cared for my first step parent when I was a senior nursing student in 1969-1970. His wife had recently died of cancer. No one, including his own children, checked on him. In his depression, he shot himself in the head. When he shot himself, he must have jerked. The bullet went in his neck, lodging near his spine. His doctors told him that he did a stupid thing because the bullet now would kill him slowly. When his carotid artery pulsated, it rubbed on the bullet. In 1969-1970, surgeons were not able to operate near the spinal cord without compromising blood supply to the brain and spinal cord. This patient elected to not attempt brain surgery.

His step children and natural children did not know that he was conscious. He did not want to notify them of his condition. He told me they were busy dividing up the estate. I called them anyway. They never came to the hospital. I waited with him till eight P.M. I wondered if anyone brought anything back to this man’s home for him when he was discharged.

I cared for his physical wounds. His physical wounds were small in comparison to his spiritual wounds. I was not allowed to call his religious leader because religion confuses psychiatric patients. He was now a psychiatric patient since his suicide attempt. I was allowed to give him two magazines to read though he had a terrible headache. He was stuck in a room at the end of the hospital corridor. He could make a decision about having brain surgery, but not about his religion. I wrote my senior nursing paper on this patient. In one of my bibliography sources, I discovered the information that Wyoming had the highest suicide rate per capita in the nation at that time. This suicide rate was attributed to the wind. Wind does not cause a high suicide rate. Had I been more experienced, this is the paper I would have liked to have written. I do not know when my patient died. When we meet again, we will have much to talk about. I am now a step parent, too.

The Stages of Blending Families

Chapter One

The Stages of Blending Families

From experience, I know step parents wish they could enjoy their families like normal families do. Step parents wish they could become acquainted without the many problems and divisions for which step families are so famous. Step parents also want their own child to parent. Step families are more like regular families than we realize. Sadly, biological families are more like step families. This is why the term dysfunctional is used so often with family.

Take heart. All families and all individuals are dysfunctional before they become functional. Likewise, all step families are dysfunctional before they become functional. In other words, we all have to learn the techniques of being in a family, like we learn how to be in a symphony or an orchestra. First, one has to learn how to play his or her instrument.

Everyone can visualize what a child sounds and looks like when he is learning how to play his instrument of choice. His fingering is awkward, and the music does not sound so good. Often, children goof off, and they rarely want to practice. However, with practice and persistence, one sounds very good. An individual may even become a concert pianist or vocalist.

There are stages of learning how to play this orchestra called family. It does not matter if it is a biological family or a blended family. Each family has special problems. Each family member will progress through dysfunctional stages before they become the functional individual or family that they can be. As in music, one will not learn a phase one-hundred percent before the need to progress into another phase arises. Other phases will make sense of previous phases.

THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM STAGE

The first stage toward becoming functional step families is the calm before the storm stage. The step child is allowed to become cozy with his step parent for about six months by his siblings and other extended family members. Everyone does things together as a family. Step parents and step children do things together. Step siblings do things with each other. Even divorced spouses and grandparents participate in this cozy period. Parents feel relief because it seems like the two families are at least friendly with each other.

During this time, the step parent and parent develop feelings for their step children. Step siblings may develop some positive feelings for each other. Younger step children will develop positive feelings for their step parent. Suddenly, your step children are yanked from the home physically or emotionally by their step siblings or an absent parent. Grandparents suddenly sever all ties also. Children are not allowed to cooperate with their biological parent as well as their step parent. The emotions of the two parents and the children remaining in the home are controlled by the behavior of the older step children, a divorced spouse, and grandparents. Some step parents have expressed to me that they felt as if several of their children had died suddenly.

In the calm before the storm stage, each side of the family has assessed one another. Everyone notices each family member’s strengths and weaknesses and uses them for their advantage. Some family members are friendly long enough to obtain what they want from their parents’ possessions or the confidence of the new parents. Stop here. List the behavior of you, your children, and step children in the calm before the storm stage. List your strengths and weaknesses.

THE BAIT AND SWITCH STAGE

The calm period before the storm ends when step children start using the bait and switch method on step parents as well as step siblings. In the bait and switch method, the step child tells you many things about others who have hurt them. Your step child may even tell you that they do not like, or they hate a particular brother, sister, or relative. Naturally, the step parent prejudges these individuals and is always on the look out for similar behavior directed toward them. The step parent promises that he or she will not hurt the child in a similar manner. The step parent may give his or her step children treats or possessions to prove it.

Step parents then notice something very disturbing. Their step children are very cozy with the very individuals which they have been telling the step parent that they dislike and hate so much for the last six months. The step children are even more cozy with these hated individuals than their biological parent. This can include extended family and neighbors, as well as siblings and divorced parents.

Step parents have always been told that this is the step child’s way of expressing unresolved anger. Think about this now. If my sibling told someone how much they hated me for six or more months, they would have some explaining to do, after I had calmed down. This might take another six months or more for me to resolve!

In this bait and switch period, it does not matter to siblings that some of their siblings have been telling step parents or others how much they hate their siblings. In fact, they will grow closer because they have vented their feelings with you, the step parent, the one they cannot get along with. All of the unresolved anger over the years has been resolved in six months with the step parent. Wrong! There are conspiracies going on. Stop here and list the behavior of you, your children, and step children in the bait and switch stage. Include the promises you have made to your step children and children. These promises will keep coming back to you.

THE KEEP THEM COMING BACK FOR MORE STAGE

The conspiracies in the bait and switch stage lead a step family into the keep them coming back for more stage. When there are many conspiracies in your home, and there will be, you will experience anger and frustration. The end result of a conspiracy is always anger.

When parents and step parents are angry, children and step children realize there is a need to smooth things over. However, step children are not concerned about their parents’ and step parents’ feelings. They do not want to withdraw from or stop the conspiracies against parents and step parents. Step children and children are more concerned about family finances and how these assets benefit only them. If the emotions of parents and step parents are controlled, their pocketbooks can be controlled.

The step parent’s emotions can be controlled for years with this stage because they have developed positive feelings for his or her step children. Because of these feelings, step parents

keep trying to have a relationship the best way they can. This includes promises, treats, and favors to try to smooth things over or to hold on to something that was not there in the first place. The promises, treats, and favors get bigger and better, but nothing changes. Nothing changes if the treats stop. Step children are not allowing charity to benefit themselves or their families.

Most people feel that these individuals are deciding which side is more advantageous or are finding out future plans of step parents. This does happen, but that is not what is really occurring. Individuals who keep a parent and step parent dangling by keeping them coming back for more are declaring territories. They are also manipulating and controlling both sides of the family to control the family and its finances.

People who use this method of behavior have no regard for others’ feelings, and they cannot rely on their own performance and efforts. They certainly are not going to rely on another’s performances or judgements. These individuals have to confuse the issues by manipulation. As expected, biological parents and step parents become angry as they discover they are being manipulated again.

Stop here. List how you and your spouse are kept coming back for more. How do you keep your children and step children coming back for more when the children are manipulating you? Draw territorial maps for your family. There are individuals keeping your children and step children coming back for more, too. It is not a matter of siblings or peers being close.

THE DEMANDING STAGE

The next stage is the demanding stage. There are excessive demands placed on the step parent’s and biological parent’s shoulders. There are so many requests and so many fires to put out. Parents and step parents cannot possibly accommodate everyone. Superman could not put out all of these fires.

These excessive demands may be to test the commitment to the family. These demands may also be a result of someone’s laziness and greed. Excessive demands are also a way to express anger and resentment. Parents and step parents look bad or are afraid they will look bad when parents cannot produce as children want them to produce. Some step parents have told me that they felt like they had twenty-five individuals demanding something from the step parent while they attacked the step parent at the throat. Others felt they were drowning in a sea of indifference. Step parents felt they were prisoners in their own homes.

It does not matter what the step parents do, nothing seems to help or satisfy anyone. The children go from one crisis after another. Problems teach everyone something. Yet, the children appear to have not learned anything. These are not true crisis’. These crisis’ are something contrived to keep the pot boiling, to confuse the facts, or to obtain something. This demanding stage counteracts any positive changes that might have affected siblings by the cozy period because step parents eventually get tired and angry. This really keeps the pot boiling. This may be the ultimate goal of this stage.

Parents and step parents can be demanding, too. Most likely, step children are not use to following through with chores, homework, church, and being disciplined by their natural parents. Children are not going to complete these tasks for a step parent when there is new territory to claim and people to control, intimidate, or manipulate. Step children are not going to accept direction or discipline from a step parent either. Step children will not be happy about any natural consequences of their behavior and a step parent’s refusal to stop those natural consequences. Parents and step parents may be too frustrated to think of ways to help.

Stop here. List the demands of your spouse, children, and step children. Decide if the demands are normal demands of families and growing up or abnormal burdens of manipulation? Are step parents becoming agitated and demanding in response to the many demands of step parenting?

THE BLAME STAGE

When parents and step parents do not do as they are expected, excessive blame is placed on them. Step parents will be blamed for things that happened years before they met the family. Spouses are the only ones who consider cooperating, helping, or sacrificing with the step parent for this step family. Couples divorce when the spouses begin blaming each other.

The guilt trips are numerous. The isolation is terrible. Step parents feel so isolated that it is impossible to watch biological families with their children. The step parent realizes they will never be a part of the family. They are not sure that they want to belong to the family anyway. This is difficult when step parents realize this is supposed to be a forever family.

The step parent fulfills no parental role in this stage. They are only targets, maids or valets, or wallets. Deep depression results when step parents realize they can never win at these situations, and they cannot keep up with the many demands of the step family. The children reach out to others, and step parents do the same.

Stop here. List what you are blamed for and what you cannot keep up with. Include the things that are not your fault, but which you assume responsibility for to avoid conflict in the family. List how this isolates you from the family.

THE TELL-ALL STAGE

The tell-all stage is next. The pain of isolation and never being able to measure up in one’s family is severe. Everyone feels an intense pressure to vent their feelings. Of course, confidences and problems are shared as well as anger. Airing of everyone’s dirty laundry will be complete. No one will have any secrets or privacy. It will be assumed that the step parent and his or her children unloaded everyone’s problems. The friends, family, and siblings with whom step children have vented their feelings would never divulge their confidences.

To one who is trying still to blend this family, telling-all becomes a way of explaining oneself against impossible odds. The step parent explains too much in answer to questions or pressures. They are hoping they will not appear as the mean stepmother or stepfather that is being painted for everyone. Step children may have the same feelings.

In this tell-all stage, no one seems to be looking for help. They just want to vent their feelings and share everyone’s dirty laundry. Everyone is expertly manipulated in the tell-all stage by a large amount of embarrassment. The isolation and embarrassment can keep this stage going for a long time.

Since everyone has a right to vent feelings, they expect no consequences of sharing confidences. Step children want to convince everyone to be on their side. Individuals may not

choose to be on the step child’s side of the story. The step child will make sure that no one is on the side of the step parent and his natural parent. Unfortunately, there are a lot of words that one must eat in the tell-all stage.

There also are many unhappy people who are unable to just listen. Everyone cannot listen because they do not know who to believe, and they know too much about everyone. Natural parents and siblings can be manipulated into moving away from their children just to have some peace. The community soon feels they must rescue step children from step parents. The demands placed upon two people eventually become too much for the community to deal with. As a result, everyone is now isolated from their community as well as their family.

Everyone wonders, How did we get into this mess? More important, they wonder, How do we get out of this mess? Unfortunately, everyone wants a quick way to stop the pain, instead of a sure way. Step parents wonder if divorce is the best answer. Step children exclaim: Yes, divorce is the answer!

Step children and step parents may not realize what will happen if they get a divorce. Everyone will have to start these stages all over again. Divorced spouses and their families will begin with the calm before the storm period again. Step children begin with the command stage. Of course, this second calm before the storm period is another slap in the face for the step parent that was recently discarded. The discarded step parent sees what was to be his or her family cooperating with each other. It appears that his lost family is now cooperating more with the second step parent than with the first step parent. This is to cover their behavior with their natural parent and previous step parent. All blame for the failed marriage will be placed on the step parent that they have just discarded. Discarded step parents wish their step children had cooperated with them like that. They would still be married. Cheer up step parents! They are not co-operating with each other. They are in the calm before the storm phase again.

Stop here. List all the things you have heard about yourself and how many people want to rescue part or all of your children from parents and step parents. List friendships and jobs lost. Parents must decide if these individuals want to rescue their children or their children’s Social Security check and child support check. List how parents reach out to others to prevent this.

THE I REALLY WANT HELP STAGE

The next stage is the I really want help stage. In this stage, step parents finally realize that their step children have been commanded to remain with their biological siblings psychologically and sometimes physically. This prevailing attitude will not be changed no matter what a step parent does or does not do for his or her step children. This attitude will not be changed no matter how much help is obtained from friends and counselors.

Step children may decide to leave their surviving parent until the parent comes to his or her senses and starts listening to and obeying his or her children. At this time, a step parent and his or her spouse will learn that their lives will not be centered around their children. Home is just a pit stop, not a family or even a group of close acquaintances.

If step parents choose to accept step children as they are, this leads to wanting some help for yourself, your spouse, and your own biological family. This will lead to acceptance of your blended family and will help step parents get on with the rest of their lives. Step parents may experience empty nest syndrome for a little while. Biological parents experience this under the best of circumstances. Do not look for help by airing dirty laundry except to a counselor. Leave your family members the option of going to their bishop or religious leader. This may be their only source of comfort and help.

Sadly, some family members may not want help. They feel: If they did not cause the problem, they do not need to change or help with any solutions for the problem. Family members may be too embarrassed to get help. They are still in other stages. We all have agency. Agency includes the right to choose when one is ready to change and move forward in his or her life. Most people do not learn, change, or want help until they are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It takes awhile for everyone to realize they have to change.

Do things to occupy your time to alleviate the pain of being isolated from your family. Most step parents forget that if they were in a regular biological family, they would get on with their lives after they raised their children. There is no law that says that step parents cannot get on with their lives without the approval of their children and step children. Do not let empty nest syndrome or these stages and lists of grudges overshadow your home or your relationship with your spouse. Overshadow means to be more significant or more important. Parents’ and step parents’ hopes and dreams will be accomplished through their children and step children whether they support parents or step parents or not. Parents and step parents learn many things while they raise or attempt to raise children and step children. Some of these things they did not want to learn. This is often done in ways that step parents do not expect.

The stages of step parenting have been discussed briefly. It is now time to discuss the players on this stage. I do not mean disrespect to anyone nor do I wish to trivialize hurt feelings. However, the following story will help illustrate many points in successive chapters. This story shows how all of us can come across, even if we do not wish to do so. I have seen several versions of this illustration over the years. I do not know the author. The Tator Family best explains the difficulties among the players in step parenting. I have added the step family version.

THE TATOR FAMILY

First, meet big sister, Dictator." All decisions must pass by her eyes to be upheld or vetoed. Whatever she lacks in power, she makes up for in tyranny. She controls with her eyes. People walk on egg shells when around her or discussing her. They do not want to make big sister dictator angry.

Second, meet big sister, Imitator." Imitating is what she does best. Dream up a new fad and she is all for it. To imitate and accommodate Dictator," she will give up her own ideas and rearrange family events.

Third, meet brother Agitator." He is full of starch. Teasing and irritating are his things. However, do not tease or irritate him. He is often in the crossfire of things because his behavior is so irritating." He is angry at being dictated to all his life. He is most angry at the persons who should have stopped all this dictating, his parents.

Next, meet Tator Tot." She or