A Collection of Jokes and Funny Stories

Foreword and disclaimer:

I am not an author. This work is simply a collection of e-mails I received over a period of time. In humour, the names of persons, places, or groups, are casually changed in order to personalize for the audience, which raises the effect. I believe it was done many times in this work. If any one is offended, I apologise. If you are entertained--smile-- and wonder at the complexities of the human spirit.

Contents

A Good Yarn

Valuable Services

Mathematical???

Playing Bridge?

A Rose By Any Name!

Pleasant Journey!

Engineers

The Answer Is A Question

Wondering!

Unhappy???

Prayers?

English Is A Peculiar Language!

Letter From College!!!

Delivery!!

Proud Fathers

The Benefits Of Abstinence

The Gift

The Pope, The Rabbi, And Their Phone.

Loudly Speaking!

The Doctor

This Is Spanish!

Writing!

Values

Shots!

Watch Where You Go!

The Barber’s Wife

Looking?

Princess Charming

Ode To A Mammagram

Reverse Psychology

Cats

The Test

Murder In The Mansion

Be Courteous

Two Trees

Wildlife Notice

I’m Tired!

The Easter Bunny

Headlines

How To Get The Gorilla Down

Serious Business

Reduction Of Staff Notice!

The New Language

Watch It!

Parental Dictionary

Too Late Smart

Jokes?

Baseball?

Do You Like This Better?

Not Very Good!

One Descriptive Word!

Chinese Proverbs

The Race Is To The Swiftest!!

All Bets Are Off!

Confession

Sunbathing

A Great Dish

By The Rules

Well Dressed

Job Well Done

The Blonde And The Lottery

Battle Of The Sexes!!

I’m Glad I’m A Woman

Operations

Drink Choices

Lecture In Time Management

Cultural Differences

Honey

Dumb And?

Recreation

The Farmer’s Mule

Eligible?

The Invitation

Intelligence

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

The Right Answer

The Helpful Wife!

Can’t See Well?

Comprehensive List Of New Virus’s

Communicating???

The Crowd

Truth Will Out

Flight Of The Phoenix

Stuck!

Quick Thinking

Bedside Manner

After Sex

Ground Rules

Hallmark Rejects!!

Get A Grip On Yourself

Strict Interpretation

Turnabout

Makeover

Choices

Traveling

Problems

Salesmanship!!!

Subject; I Feel Old!!!

The Burglar

Unusual Behavior

The Wise One

Looks Can Tell

The Real Test!!

Smiling

Good, Bad, Or Worse!

Tell The Truth

Why I’m So Tired

The Trunk

On A Diet!

The Undertaker

Tricky E-Mail

About Lawyers

Fees

The Engineer

The First

Slippery!

Destruction

Compassion

Just The Right Place

Degrees

Practical

Smart?

Salary Law: Engineers Vs. Executives

Rules For Writers

The Mystery

The Golden Years

Old Age

Our Choice

Just Country Boys!

Reputation

Bible Story

A Whale Of A Story!

Talent

Get Up And Go!

Dr Suess’s Political Comment

Faster Than A Speeding Chicken

Up The Navy

A Real Lady

Mistakes Happen

How It’s Done

Deductive Reasoning

The Right Size

Hell

Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

Top Ten Reason Why Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex

Hidden Assets

Little Red Riding Hood

Banjo Time

The Cia Applicants

College Spirit

Smile!!!!

Warning; Keep This Going Or You Will Be Unhappy For The Next 5 Years.

Cute Ones!!

In A Hurry?

Mistaken Identity

Courteous

A Good Story

On Wing It And Sling It

Loving Care?

Embarrasment

Outsmarted

Doesn’t Understand Women

Who Knows?

An Ounce Of Prevention

Buraucracy

Get Ready For This One!

Speaks Plainly

Licked

Business Professionals

Memory

Speedy Thinking

The Spell Checker

President Clinton’s Testimony As Told By Dr. Suess:

The Sisters Of Mercy

Subject Study Results

Method Madness

What Was Jesus Nationality?

The Salesman

Wishes

Mislead

Don’t Lend Money To Your Best Friend

Progeny

Market Value

Golf

Guilty Knowledge

The Butler Did It!

Occupations!

54 Thoughts For The Day

Creation

Sex On The Sabbath

Business

Are You A Quick Thinker

Bubba

Be Careful Of Your Looks

College Combat

Tornados In Oklahoma

Another Lawyer Story

If You Are Bad!

Two Nuns

Helloooow

Air Conditioning

Dumb Wives?

Like New!

High Finance

Why Parents Get Gray

Senior Citizen Housing

Flying?

A Jewish Mother?

Holding Your Liquor

Subject: Two Friends

Prepare For The Future

The Declaration Of Independence

Advertising Properly

Texas A&M

Photography

A Question Of Degrees

For Texans Only

Translations

The Bull Story

Philanthropist

School Lesson

Induced

Potential And Reality

Milk Bath

Modern Electronics

Inheritance

The State Fair

Prayer

Afterlife

Identify The Body

My Mommy

Blonde Interview

Clean Sweep

Area 51 Mix Up

I’m Older

Welcome To Texas

Getting Even

Progress

Incredible Advancements

Jewish Humor

The Spendthrift

Small Size!

Get It Right

Watch Your Words

This Old Man

Code Words

Punishment

Listen Carefully

Texas Is Big

Drunk Again!

Help Wanted

Different Strokes

Strange But True!

A Cure!

Alternatives

Who Is This?

The Weight Machine

How Specifications Live Forever

Complaints

Thrice Warned

On A Mission

Easily Adjustable

The Aggie And The Teasipper

The Super Bowl

All Three Combined

Hip Hip Hooray!

Exposed

Do As The Romans Do!

Professional Courtesy

Sign Language

Wanted

How I Get Away With Eating Seafood

Sign Language

Always Tell The Truth

Its All Appearances

Jewish Sons

Very Short

Subject: Bad News (From Arkansas)

Try It, You’ll Like It!

You Might Be An Engineer, If...

The Aggie In Hell

A Reliable Alternative To Computers In School

23 Signs That There Is Too Much Of The 90’S

Here Is A Little Test!

Nomenclature

Super Hero Sex

The Seven Dwarfs Again

How To Bathe A Cat!

Supplies

The Prostitute

The Ambidextrious Golfer

Uncertain Propects

Good Language

The Engineer And The Manager

Very Careful!

It Doesn’t Fix Everything

Si, Senor!

The Strongest Man

The Pirate

The Excuse

The Sugar Daddy

The Reluctant Juror

The Classic Comeback.

Subject: A Jew In London

Subject: Dress For Success?

Why English Is So Hard To Learn!

Christmas Songs

The Doctor’s Patients

Pickles!

Knows The Weather

A Few Quickies

The First Commandment

The Statue

Betting

Research

Tact

One Upmanship

A Bear Of A Story

The Military, Old And New!

Shopping

Practical

Lab Work

Still Shopping!

Our Representatives!

Use Of Words

Toilet Paper

The Accident

Identification

Speak Up

Your Children’s Future

Correction

You Have Mail!

A Good Reason

Its In The Book

Loud Speaking

More Golf!

Orders From The Boss

Professional Quiz!

Fire Fighters

Really Bad Sayings!

Warning

Business Signs

The Virgin

Microsoft Should Make Cars, Gm Should Make Software!

Medical Dictionary

The Super Bowl

Prepared

It Hurt!

Surprise!

Involuntary Muscles

Fido

Another One!

Iso 10,000

Your Math Lesson For The Day!

The Perfect Worker?

Smart Ass?

Pets

The Old Ways

Mustard

Suicide? Or Is It?

Supplies

Poetry

Five Surgeons Argue

Painting?

Medical Specialists

Expansion?

Male Bashing Jokes

The Secret To Making A Marriage Last

Another Old Age Story

I Think She’s Got It!

Passover

Old Age?

The Texas Birth

Unionized?

Am I Losing It?

Leave It To The Marines!

Advanced Physics!

Gilbert And Sullivan?

Elephant Parts?

A New Employee

The Seeing Eye Dog

The Price Of Good Health

Us Naval Communications

Bumper Stickers

What Bounce Will Do!

Epitath

Success

The Son In Law

Sex Is The Subject

The Cheering Section

A Slight Misunderstanding

Acronyms

Who Was Jesus?

Friendship

The Parable Of Abraham

Following Instructions

To Hear It From The Horse’s Mouth

Reverend Fuzz!

How Do You Say That?

Listen To The Music!

Four Wishes

Decisive

Two Professionals

Just A Name

It’s So Hot In Texas!

It’s So Dry In Texas That...

You Know You’re In Texas When...

The Origin Of Yodeling

A Night In The Hotel

The Ant And The Grasshopper, Classic Version

Ashes To Ashes

The Moral Of The Fly

Inventions

Teaching

Country Boy

The Accent

Mistaken Identity

Lawyer Jokes:

Frustration

There Was Life Before The Computer

Quik Wit!

No Matter Where You Hide It, I’ll Find It!

Subject: A Day At The Beach

An Analogy To All The Rocks In Your Life!

You Lose!

Acronyms

Getting Older!

Driver’s License Doesn’t Lie!

The Nationalities Preferences

Famous Signs

The Date

Amazing Conclusion:

Auto Mechanic?

The Old Couple

A Sad Story

Interpretations

The Spy

Learning At An Early Age!

The Legal Age

Legal Strategy

Famous He Said, She Saids

Subject: Aaadd

Advice

Old Enough?

Old Age?

What You Can Do With It!

A Dressed Up Oldie

The Inheritance

A New Business

The Cure

The Taxi Driver

It’s Military Time!

The Old Man

A Good Meal Is A Good Meal!

Overdue

Spelling

What She Said She Wanted In A Man!

A Trip To China

Guess Who It Is!.

V.I.P.

Sin

Business Is Business

Rental Property Lawsuit

Look Out, Ethyl

Medical Charges

A Medical Condition

Never Assume Anything

Ask A Question, Get An Answer

Health Study

100%

Subject: Public Health Notice

A Fairy Tale For Modern Women

Subject: The Perfect Husband

Subject: Art

Subject: Donkey Wisdom

The Sunday School Teacher

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

This collection of stories is in a completely random order. Therefore this book, like a dictionary, is not meant to be read from front to back. Humor is in the eye of the reader, so just open to any page and start to read. When you find a story you like, note the title and page number, then underline it in the table of contents. That way you can find it again when you want to. For example: Try page 273, A night in the hotel!! Now, as to the health aspect. Readers observe that after 15 or 20 minutes of reading, they close the book, and notice that their level of stress has declined considerably. The premise is that laughter is built into a human’s psyche by nature in order to combat stress. That’s therapy! If you don’t feel this effect, then this book is not for you!

A GOOD YARN

There once was an old Jewish man who lived in New York. His business was distributing soft goods. Unfortunately, his next door neighbor was a red-necked, irascible anti-semite. Hey, Jew Boy, I need a piece of orange yarn to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered right away. he phoned. Of course, right away! was the reply. The next day, hearing a noise outside his window, he looked out on his yard to see a large truck dumping a huge load of orange yarn on the grass. There was another truck waiting his turn. Down the street, he could see another truck turning the corner and coming along. What the hell is going on? he phoned his neighbor. Well, as your know, we record all telephone orders to be sure that we don’t make a mistake, he said. I may be a few yards over or under but I gave you a 2% quantity discount to make up for it. The last time I saw it, the tip of my penis was in poland!!!!

VALUABLE SERVICES

Back when I was a small boy, during summer vacation, I used to go with my father during the day to see how business was conducted. One day, when we were walking along the main street, a man nodded and waved to my father. My father kept on walking and apparently didn’t see him. He was my father’s banker and I had been introduced to him several days previously. Gee, Dad, didn’t you see your banker when he passed? I asked. My son, he said. Bankers are like prostitutes. They provide both a necessary and very desirable service, however, neither are to be acknowledged in public.The next day, I asked my mother, what is a prostitute? She said, you speak to me like that again, and you’ll be grounded for a month!!!

MATHEMATICAL???

Once there were three pregnant indian squaws who slept on animal skins. One slept on an Elk skin, another slept on a Deer skin, and the third slept on a Hippopotamus skin. The first two squaws each gave birth to a son, while the third became the mother of twin boys! This proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

PLAYING BRIDGE?

A colored woman was looking for a place to work. When asked why she had left her former employment, she replied, Yesum, dey paid good, but dat was de most ridiculous place ah have ever seen. Dey played a game called bridge, and last night dey was a lot of fellows and gals there, and just as I was fixin to bring in de refreshments, I hear a man say to a woman: Take your hand off my trick! Ah just about near dropped dead, when, bless my soul, ah hears another man say, Lay down and let me see what you got! And then a woman, she say, You got length, but you just don’t got no strength! And then another woman say, You forced me and I had to take you down! And then, bless me, if another woman don’t say, You jumps me twice when you didn’t have enough strength for a raise."

And then a woman say something about covering her honor. Well, I just gots up and goes to get my hat, for I know dat ain’t no place for me. And just as I’m about to leave, ah hopes to die if some woman don’t say, Well, I guess we’ll have to stop, as dis is de last rubber! No Maam!!! Ah is a lady, and dat ain’t no place for a lady!!!

A ROSE BY ANY NAME!

The German paratrooper burst through the door, his machine gun at the ready. Inside, sitting quietly, was a beautiful French woman. He looked around, relaxed, set his gun down, and dropped his pants. After having his way with her, he snapped to attention. Heil Hitler, he saluted, In nine months time you will have a handsome baby boy! You may call him Adolph, if you wish! She immediately returned his salute, Heil Hitler, in two weeks time you will have a red rash!! You may call it measles, if you wish!!

PLEASANT JOURNEY!

Grandma bought a bumper sticker for her old buick! She writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a Honk If You Really Love Jesus bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I am really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at a light of a busy intersection......just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who really loved Jesus! Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled, Jesus Christ!! as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, Go, Jesus Christ, Go!

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved, and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed and giggled and told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. I was thinking about the Lord, when I noticed that the light had changed, so I went across the intersection just in time because I was the only one to get across. I looked back at them standing there, and I leaned out the window, and gave them a big smile, and waived the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away! Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love You All, Grandma!

ENGINEERS

Definition of Engineering Practice:

1.Measure it with a micrometer

2.Mark it with a crayon

3.Cut it with a chainsaw.

Definition of Pi:

Mathematician: Pi is the relationship of the circumference of a circle to it’s diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005

Engineer: Pi is about 3.

THE ANSWER IS A QUESTION

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are being interviewed for a job. In each case, the interview goes famously until the last question is asked. How much is one plus one? Each of them suspects a trap, and is very reluctant to answer. The mathematician thinks for a minute, and then says, I’m not sure, but I think it converges. The physicist says, I’m not sure either, but I think it’s on the order of 2. The engineer gets up, closes the door of the office, and says, How much do you want it to be?

WONDERING!

In a park in Oslow, there are two twice normal size statues. A nude male and nude female have been facing each other on each side of the path for over 150 years. Park strollers have often wondered what the statues were thinking. One day, an angel of the Lord came down to the Park. The Lord has decided because of your long term patience to give you life for one hour. he said. As they came to life, the male took the female by the hand, the female statue blushed, and they walked around behind the bushes. There was a lot of rustling, heavy breathing, and even giggling. When they came out after only a half an hour, the Angel said Are you through already? After 150 years? You still have a half an hour! The male looked at the female. Shall we do it again? The female looked him in the eye. O.K. she said, but this time you hold the pigeon, and I’ll shit all over him!

UNHAPPY???

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided NOT to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him, and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping ird, and promptly ate him!!!

The moral of this story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy!

2. Everyone who digs you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend!!

3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!!!

PRAYERS?

A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite Sh’ma Yisrael in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We’re mishpocheh - I’m saved! And then he listens very carefully to the bear’s prayer:...hamotzi lechem minhaaretz (for what we are about to receive we give thanks!)

ENGLISH IS A PECULIAR LANGUAGE!

Homanyms are words that sound the same but are spelled differently.

Rabbit’s fur is Hare Hair!

A simple aircraft is a Plain Plane!

A hairless grizzly is a Bare Bear!

Seven days which are not very strong. A Weak Week!

An amphibian being pulled through the water. A Towed Toad!

Instruct a bug to leave the dog. Flee, Flea!

The spirit of a fish is a Sole Soul!

A communist upon leaving a mind reading session. A Read Red!

Learning to decipher an Egyptian papyrus. A Reed Read!

Stitching in a very precise manner is to Sew So!

In English it is easy to learn yes, but hard to Know No!

He didn’t know old, but he Knew New!

The lookout on a ship says I see land!. If he was in a car, he would say, "I See

Sea!"

The wooden plank at the concert is a Bored Board!

An example of Baker’s art is a Dough Doe!

A lovable elk is a Dear Deer!

A baker’s recipe, handed down from generation to generation, is called Bred Bread!

Branches, floating on the river, can be referred to as Styx Sticks!

Look, Their there!

The following two sentences are BOTH CORRECT!

One-half of two plus two is two!

One-half of two plus two is three!

LETTER FROM COLLEGE!!!

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don’t read any further unless you are sitting down... OK? Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, And since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was Kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very Fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but I’m sure it will be before I Start to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to My, daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won’t mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native village. I guess that’s it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want You to know... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull

fracture, was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life. However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

DELIVERY!!

A man and his wife went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father and asked if they would like to have it. Both were very excited about the venture and agreed. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even that much was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.At this point they decided to try 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well and since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. This allowed the wife to deliver a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. The man and his wife were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

PROUD FATHERS

Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom. Three guys are left...The first guy says, I was worried that my son was going to be a Loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns Out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many Cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he’s so successful that he Just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.

The second guy says, I was worried about my son too because he Started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.

The third guy says, Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he’s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday.

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain That they are telling stories about their kids so he says, Well, I’m embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he’s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!

THE BENEFITS OF ABSTINENCE

Three couples - an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young newlywed couple - wanted to join a church. The pastor said, We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for tweeks. The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The old man replied, No problem at all, Pastor. Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The man replied, The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yes, we made it. Congratulations and welcome to the church said the pastor. The pastor turned to the newlywed couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks? No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, the young man replied sadly. What happened? inquired the pastor. My wife was reaching for a can on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there. You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church, stated the pastor. I figured that said the young man, We’re not welcome at Walmart anymore either."

THE GIFT

Three sons of a Yiddishe Momma left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother back in the homeland. AVRAHAM, the first, said: I built a big house for our mother. MOISHE, the second, said: I sent her a Mercedes with a driver. DAVID, the youngest, said: You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. She can’t see very well now so I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. Momma just has to name the chapter and verse. Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother. AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas-he’s a pain in the tuchas. But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!!

THE POPE, THE RABBI, AND THEIR PHONE.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers. What is that phone for? he asks the pontiff. It’s my direc tline to God. May I use it says the Rabbi? Of Course, The Rabbi talks a while, then hangs up. I don’t want to take advantage of your hospitality, says the Rabbi, so I’d like to pay for the call. That’s twenty thousand lira says the Pope. When the Pope returned the favor and was visiting the Rabbi in Jeruselem, he noticed the Rabbi;s phone. May I use your direct line to God, says the Pope.? Of course. And how much is the call? That will be only one sheckel said the Rabbi. Why is the charge so small said the Pope. The Rabbi responded, it is only a local call!!!

LOUDLY SPEAKING!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while? She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, No, I won’t sleep with you tonight! Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy