Humpty Dumpty Was Pushed: And Other Cracked Tales

Contents

Humpty Dumpty Was Pushed

Cazador de Estrellas de Mar

Billy and His Tragic Nose Hair

Fredrick the Seasick Sailor

The Ear

Sir Stinks-A-Lot

The Girl in the Hat

If a Whale and a Tiger

The Mosquito Farm

The Last Action Librarian

Super Duper Noodle Poodle

Greta and the Cheese Noodle

The Gerboopadoop

Le Papier Prince

Toothless

Mr. Red and Mr. Green

The Beetle Matador

Flowers for Theodore

Marvin the Evil Parrot

No Exit

Little Miss Bitey

The Last Day

Humpty Dumpty Was Pushed

He was a good egg. He was one of those salt-of-the-earth kind of eggs. He was a hard-working egg, a loving egg, a generous, kind and thoughtful egg, and he will be greatly missed. Chicken Little, like everyone else, agreed with those sentimental words spoken at Humpty’s funeral. Humpty had been a good egg, and Chicken Little’s best friend. What Chicken Little could not agree with, however, was what he was hearing everyone say after the funeral regarding how Humpty had died.

Chicken Little’s outrage had started three days earlier, long before Humpty’s funeral, when he’d read a very simple notice in the paper stating

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty back together again.

Most people read the notice and thought that it did little to capture the greatness of Humpty’s life, the uniqueness of his character, the way his gentle presence brought smiles to all around him. In short, they felt the announcement failed to capture how Humpty Dumpty’s all-too-brief existence had made the world a better place.

For Chicken Little, it wasn’t just that the notice failed to express the greatness of Humpty that made him so angry. He was angry because the notice was a bold-faced lie. Chicken Little could barely contain his anger, but he knew that he would have one chance to inform the public of the truth … after Humpty’s funeral when everyone was gathered at the wake.

Chicken Little spent the three days between reading Humpty’s obituary in the paper and attending his funeral gathering evidence by talking to some key witnesses, double-checking his facts, and taking some high-resolution photos of where the alleged accident had taken place. He wasn’t going to have a reoccurrence of the last time he attempted to sway public opinion.

The sun finally rose the morning of the solemn day, and everyone who was anyone came to pay their respects for their lost friend. There was Little Jack Horner, the entire Bo Peep family, Little Miss Muffet, Georgie Porgie, Jack Spratt and Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, to name a few. Even Old Mother Hubbard, who was rarely seen in public these days, came to say goodbye. Each one of them knew exactly how Humpty had radiated love and joy into the world. They knew their lives had been enriched by knowing him. For miles around, crowds of people made the long journey to pay their respects. So many people came, and not just people.

Mary’s little lamb tagged along bleating sadly. Turkey Lurkey and her sad little gobbles could be heard amidst the crowd. The cow took a break from jumping over the moon to moo her last respects. Countless other mourners came, too many to name here. They cried together. They listened to solemn words together. They consoled each other. They said goodbye as best they could in a funeral service that would be remembered by all who attended that day for its beauty and sorrow. Of course, Chicken Little was there as well, seething in his seat, waiting for his chance to speak.

After the funeral, as was the custom in their village, everyone gathered to reflect and celebrate Humpty’s life. They gathered to tell stories and, oddly enough, to eat, as though funerals somehow made everybody hungry. They devoured by the handful little roast beef sandwiches, cheese and tomato sandwiches, tiny cucumber sandwiches, even peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Perhaps not that surprisingly though, given the circumstances, the small mountain of egg salad sandwiches were left uneaten. Only Old Mother Hubbard hid a few under her hat for later, and if you had seen the state of her bare cupboards, you’d most likely have forgiven her. Of course, between bites of sandwiches and the many stories told of Humpty’s childhood, of his famous wall-sitting adventures and of the funny things he had said or done, it was inevitable that talk would turn to his fatal accident, and when it did, Chicken Little was ready.

It was a pity he had that great fall, said Jack Be Nimble. But you know Humpty; he just couldn’t stay away from a good wall. It was always one wall higher with him. First it was the Berlin Wall, and then remember when he sat on the Great Wall of China?

Yup, Humpty certainly was a risk taker, said Georgie Porgie after kissing Bo Peep and making her cry. I can’t help but think that at least if he had to leave us, he left us doing exactly what he loved most. Ya know, just sitting on the edge of some high wall that none of us would dare sit on, just soaking it all in.

You’re right there, Georgie, said Jack Be Nimble. He loved heights and he loved a good challenge. You remember that mountain climbing expedition he took with those four other eggs they never found again? Humpty was the first and only egg to ever conquer Mount Fuji and live to tell about it.

Chicken Little seized his opportunity and marched up to Georgie Porgie and Jack Be Nimble. I heard what ya said, Nimble, and I’m telling ya, you got it all wrong.

Go away, Little, said Jack Be Nimble.

Humpty didn’t fall. Chicken Little was not going to be sent away. I know everyone wants to believe that, but it’s just not true. Humpty was pushed. Chicken Little’s voice was a little too loud not to be overheard by several mourners nearby, one of them being Humpty’s mother.

Mrs. Dumpty spoke up through her tearful sobs. He was the bravest egg in the basket. With each word her voice came closer to cracking. A real role model for the children. Always encouraging everyone to go for the top, to sit on higher and higher walls, and ultimately to conquer the wall within. Who would want to push my son, my beautiful boy? Everybody loved Humpty! How dare you make a mockery of his tragic accident! How dare you say such stupid, hurtful things! Mrs. Dumpty slipped into uncontrollable, angry sobbing and was rolled outside where she could get some air.

For a moment, silence wafted through the room as people just stared at Chicken Little, feeling the awkwardness of the moment as they watched a sobbing Mrs. Dumpty leave the building. Jack Be Nimble used the silence to chastise Chicken Little so everyone could hear, Nicely done, Little. See what you’ve done now! Why don’t you just go home?

But Chicken Little was far from ready to go home. He spoke in a voice that was meant for many more people than just Jack Be Nimble, and a crowd did seem to gravitate toward Little as he continued to speak. It’s not possible, Chicken Little began. It’s just not possible. It wasn’t raining. It wasn’t snowing. There’s no way Humpty just slipped and fell. Think about it. You all know he wasn’t just some amateur wall sitter. He was the best, the greatest wall sitter of all time.

Jack Horner shouted out in agreement. Ya, Little’s right; it couldn’t have been just an accident.

Little Bo Peep put her arm gently around her friend. I know it’s hard to imagine, Jack, but try not to think about the accident. Think of happy days instead, when Humpty would dress up as a giant Easter egg and take us on those Easter egg hunts. You remember?

Little Jack Horner shook his head. No, Bo, I don’t want to be cheered up. I just want to understand what happened.

He just fell. It happens, she said. Little Bo Peep was speaking more to Chicken Little than to her friend.

I just can’t accept that, Chicken Little replied. Humpty had been up that wall hundreds of times. He knew that wall like the back of his hand.

Little Bo Peep asked him directly, What are you saying, Little? Spit it out. This ought to be good.

I’m telling you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Humpty Dumpty was pushed! he said.

Pushed? said Bo Peep. Who would push Humpty? I don’t believe it.

You better believe it, replied Little Jack Horner. Chicken Little’s right. It’s the only answer that makes any sense.

At that same moment, Georgie Porgie joined in the conversation. Come on, Jack. Chicken Little has never made a lick of sense in his entire life.

This is different, said Jack Horner.

And you’re gonna believe that nutbar? The same chicken who last year squawked for a month that the sky was falling? asked Georgie. Then, looking around the room and lowering his voice, he added, Besides, rumour has it that Humpty had some serious gambling debts. If you ask me, he jumped.

Little Miss Muffet was standing right next to Georgie Porgie. Jumped! she shouted. He didn’t jump. Humpty had everything to live for. He was getting his Hallowe’en costume ready, and I know he was excited about his chance to win best costume again.

Georgie rolled his eyes. You mean that silly giant egg costume?

Yes.

But he was a giant egg, protested Georgie.

I know, said Little Miss Muffet. That’s why it was so convincing. He was just so happy, you should have seen the smile on his face . . . priceless. I know he was looking forward to the next costume party. No way he jumped.

Then what, you think he just slipped and fell, or do you think he was pushed too? asked Georgie.

I don’t know anymore. I guess maybe we should give Chicken Little a chance to explain why he thinks Humpty was pushed, said Little Miss Muffet.

Chicken Little wanted to explain right then and there, but other people were joining in the debate and it was getting a little out of control. Old Mother Hubbard and Jack Spratt were standing to the right of where Chicken Little was and near enough to Little Miss Muffet to add their thoughts regarding her suggestion.

You heard the guy earlier, started Mother Hubbard. It was an accident and all the King’s horses and all the King’s men will verify that.

I never thought you’d be so naive, Mother Hubbard. You really think the King’s men aren’t capable of hiding the truth? asked Chicken Little.

Jack Spratt seemed to agree with Chicken Little, Ya, I think the King’s men pushed him and then didn’t even try to put Humpty back together again. What I’m thinkin’ is the King’s men caused the accident and then, under the King’s orders, sent scrambled Humpty to the King’s chef to make the biggest and tastiest omelette in the land. That’s what I’m thinkin’.

Chicken Little tried to regain control of the conversation. Will you just listen to me for a second?

They probably ate him for breakfast, continued Jack Spratt, ignoring Chicken Little.

That’s insane, said Little Miss Muffet.

Hey, life can be pretty insane from time to time, added Georgie Porgie.

Mother Hubbard would not be swayed. No. It’s madness, plain and simple. He lost his balance and fell. End of story, she declared. She was feeling slightly guilty about the few egg salad sandwiches still under her hat and wondered, if only for a second, if they weren’t possibly made from leftover giant omelette.

He was pushed, and I have proof. Will you just stop and listen to me? asked Chicken Little. But no one did. Since he could not stop them from talking, he left the disagreeable gathering more than a little frustrated and looked for someone who might listen to his evidence.

Across the room from Mother Hubbard’s ongoing disagreement with Jack Spratt, Georgie Porgie and Little Miss Muffet, Chicken Little saw his opportunity. Jack (of Jack and the Beanstalk fame) was recounting to Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater (of pumpkin-eating fame) Humpty’s many wall sitting adventures during