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    Jealous but Not Bitter: Life as an Average Joe
    Jealous but Not Bitter: Life as an Average Joe
    Jealous but Not Bitter: Life as an Average Joe
    Ebook114 pages1 hour

    Jealous but Not Bitter: Life as an Average Joe

    By J. Clews

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    About this ebook

    Welcome to all things Joe! Telling true stories of London, Ontario, Jealous But Not Bitter is a satirical tongue-in-cheek look at average Joesthe men and women who make this world go around. From truck drivers to teenagers, security guards to secretaries, cashiers to construction workers, the irreverent to the immature: all who are downtrodden, overlooked and overworked, will enjoy these hilarious true stories about the bumbling nobodies, grunts and gumbies who are just trying to get by.

    Jealous But Not Bitter is chock full of information that all everyday workers need to know, such as:

    How to impress during the job interview How to deal with your stupid boss How to call in sick (when youre not sick) What to say when you screw up at work

    The stories in this collection offer some very intriguing information, some of which will be useful and some that is just plain silly: like what to say if your feet smell, the secret to looking young, cavemen in heaven, bricklayers on Mars, and much more.

    So sit back, have a drink, laugh, and enjoy!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisheriUniverse
    Release dateNov 24, 2010
    ISBN9781450249461
    Jealous but Not Bitter: Life as an Average Joe
    Author

    J. Clews

    J. Clews has been an average Joe all his life and a truck driver/labourer for the last twenty-fi ve years. A graduate of the University of Western Ontario, Mr. Clews holds an undergraduate degree in psychology and religious studies. He resides in London, Ontario, Canada, with his beloved wife, Susan.

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      Book preview

      Jealous but Not Bitter - J. Clews

      Jealous

      But Not Bitter:

      Life

      as an Average Joe

      J. Clews

      iUniverse, Inc.

      Bloomington

      Copyright © 2010 by J. Clews

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

      iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

      iUniverse

      1663 Liberty Drive

      Bloomington, IN 47403

      www.iuniverse.com

      1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any Web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      ISBN: 978-1-4502-4947-8 (sc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4502-4946-1 (ebook)

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2010911830

      Printed in the United States of America

      iUniverse rev. date: 11/16/2010

      Inspired by Steve Martin

      Table of Contents

      Chapter 1

      Introduction

      This is a Shitty Book

      Magic Mirror

      Harry Pieterson Loses Count

      Harry Pieterson Loses His Fingers

      Stupid is as Stupid Does

      Oatmeal Emile

      The Dog Days of Lumber and Wood

      Jeremiah’s Gym Bag

      Caveman Rap

      Ted’s Pothole

      The Radar Detector

      Where’s My Plank?

      My Name is Joe

      Chapter 2

      Like Father, Like Daughter

      Job Tips for Success

      Crazy Zeke

      Writing a Book

      101 Things I Hate

      Frankenstein Fashion

      Streamers off the Lake

      The Lumber and Wood Man

      The Sting

      Caveman Rap II

      The Courtesy Flush

      The Man Who Couldn’t Understand Knock-Knock Jokes

      Chapter 3

      David and the Dinosaur

      Receiver Butt

      The Phoney Phobe

      The Serial Number

      Fuuuuuuuck!

      Falling Down

      Extra, Extra!

      You Can’t Trust Red China

      Will the Driver

      The Mystery Box

      Ya Gotta Eat!

      My Pet Wuss

      Whadup Whidat?

      The stories you are about to read are true.

      The names have been changed to protect the idiots.

      Chapter 1

      I’m Not Laughing

      with You,

      I’m Laughing

      at You

      Introduction

      I haven’t had a life. I’ve had a life sentence—twenty-five years of hard labour. My only crime: being a Joe. I’m an average guy in every way; unfortunately, my grades in high school and university attest to this fact. Consequently, I’ve spent the last twenty-five years slugging drywall into basements for two-bit lumberyards and driving dirty old trucks around the city of London, Ontario. I have been the victim of my own averageness, and do you know what? I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m proud of all the Joes I’ve met on this journey. I maintain that the grit and determination of the average Joe is only equal to his honesty and sense of humour.

      What is this book about?

      This book is about us average guys and girls struggling to get by. It’s about never giving up. It’s about finding meaning in the mundane. It’s about having fun. It’s about grunts and gumbies, dumbasses and dogfuckers, drinkers and druggies. This book is about you and me.

      Who will like this book?

      If your name is Joe, you will like this book. If you consider yourself an average Joe (or Josephine), you will like this book. If you’re one of the millions of ordinary people that make the world go around (so the rich can have fun), you will like this book.

      If you are a nobody, teenager, construction worker, truck driver, waitress, secretary, cashier, clerk, security guard, or any other kind of blue collar worker, you will like this book. If you are irreverent and immature, you will like this book. If you have a minor mental illness, especially if you have a minor mental illness, you will like this book. You will like this book if you are, inwardly, a Joe.

      The vast majority of these true stories are drawn from the people and events of The Lumber and Wood Store, a lumberyard in London, Ontario, where the wellspring of inspiration ran deep. Only once in a lifetime, would one expect to encounter such a unique assembly of imbeciles; in fact, half-baked buffoons blossomed at L&W like flowers in a pile of donkey dung. Like the planets in perfect alignment, so many nitwits in one place, at one time, was a rarity of astronomical proportions.

      I hope you laugh the way my old co-worker Dick did, when I told him one of my stories; he laughed so hard his false teeth went flying out of his mouth! So have a drink and enjoy. Let me introduce to you an anomaly, something so rare that one could only call these people: the perfect storm of morons.

      J. Clews

      This is a Shitty Book

      A few years ago, I realized that I had interacted with quite a few idiots, imbeciles, and wackjobs in my lifetime—more than most. This is probably due to my choosing a career as a labourer/truck driver. After all, society has a tendency (more like a safety mechanism) to filter the weirdos down to these kinds of jobs. I was working at Big Box at the time, when I decided to keep a rather thick little notepad in my back pocket, so whenever a story about one of these hapless buffoons popped into my head, I could instantly write it down.

      Well, my notepad was filling up quite nicely with stories about Ted, Steve, Oatmeal Emile, Crazy Zeke and all the others, and I was very pleased with how things were going. One day, when I was working in receiving, I had to go number 2 quite badly. (I don’t know about you but I hate having to do that at work.) So I went to the washroom and did my business. With mission accomplished, I stood up while pulling up my pants and as I was about to turn around and flush, to my horror, the notepad fell out of my back pocket, straight into the toilet. When I looked at the early stages of my book all covered in poop, I thought I was going to throw up, but there was no way I was going to flush it. There were too many good ideas in

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