1 Eyed Monkey

© 2002 by Scott Bender. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

ISBN: 978-1-4033-1749-0 (e-book)

ISBN: 1-4033-1750-X (Paperback)

ISBN: 1-4033-1751-8 (Dustjacket)

1stBooks-rev. 06/24/02

Table of Contents

Foreword

A Delicate Balance

The Magnificent Seven Ride Again

Remember the Time

I Walk Unadorned

Sit on Santa’s Lap

Pretty Bows

I Am The Captain

Peanuts and Sailors

Satan’s Panties

A Peaceful Intermission

Mishmash

A Return to Form

Sixteen Coaches Long

Please forgive me for my distance

A Simple Reply

Softly Sinking

Free Form

A Call to the Underground

Tiny Voices

Valentine

The Green Room

If You Want it

Mr. Brownstone

This book is dedicated to all of my friends. Thank you for everything great and small you have ever done for me. I write these stories as a tribute to whom each of you are and who you have helped me to become. Without each of you in my life, I could never have told these tales.

To my mother, Clarice and her husband Joe,

And to my father, Lane

In memory of Lorraine Pietrzyk

The author would also like to thank these wonderful, beautiful, soulful, brilliant, fantastic, eclectic, demented, nervous clowns with evil rats…

Thanks to…Penny Merreot, Eddie Pietrzyk, Phil Lopedog Loper, Mark Villasenor, Brad and Ali Watkins, Tracey Webster, Stacey Cummings, Julie Bailey, Phil Lodge (PL2), Jean Luc, Khayman, Bailey, Maximus and Maya, Ella and Chris, Mel Torme, Alexander Pietrzyk, Mario Lemieux, Mary Pietrzyk, Christine Strong, Steve Speiser and his son Jaden, Taqueria Nueve, Tim and Dave Jones, Steve "king of Scattergories" Aspacher, Luke Hertel, Raymond Jones, Perry Como, Melissa Sorg, Emily Moser, Brian and Heather Boul, Sexual Chocolate, Denise Divitto, Rachelle Divitto, Heather Gisewhite, trips to Michigan State, Melissa Titus, John Grogan and his art class, Mike Crimmins and his feet, Aaron and Stacey Kocsis, The Dandy Warhols, Louie, Amy Fitzpatrick Clement, Jill Yingling, Anna Sage, Morcheeba, The Myles Pizza Pub Crew (big boss man Steve Pugh, Adam Domoe, Kirk Wray, Patrick Tinker, Ben this makes 3 books Nelson, Abraham I got skills Valle, Amy Johnson, Amy sex kitten Gambill, Amy Sherry, Cree Gallagher,) Steve Smolen, Kettle House, The Banana Splits, Mr. Peterson, Alphonse Emilo, Phish, Aaron Howell and Jamie, Meredith Tyler, Jim Morrison, Donna Howell, Harold and Angie Dorton, Beastie Boys, Ray and Sherry Jones, Hunter S. Thompson, Drugs Delaney, Bob Marley, Tracy Keener, Shannon Grover, Heather Laird, C.S. Lewis, Lloyd Alexander, Jo and Keith Williams, Ceri Harper, Johnny Cash, Shelbie Spears, Colby and Tonya Wood, Robert Pirsig, Todd and Scott Bird, Voltaire, Megan and Steve Sloan, Greg Sharp, Ryan McAlpine, Amber Boyce, Ani Difranco, Smashing Pumpkins, Tony Gianelli, Amy Bossola, Kevin McAllister, Kim Boyken, Bruce Boul, Dave and Jamie Pietrzyk, Rainy Pietrzyk, Shiver, John Heffron, Jon Sula, My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, The Descendents, Op. Ivy, Mark Tupe Tarnowski, Anne Rice, Emily Kean, Will Ferrell, Dandy Don Dibart, Brad White, John David Pooley, Andre Duran, Erin Parnell, Michael Franks, Dan McGuire, Kelly Paulson, Tami St. Onge, Neil Diamond, 311, Melanie Geigel, Pee Shy, Butch Howell, Fiona Apple, the National Champion Univ. of Montana Grizzlies, Bill Karibinus, Kathy Kuntz, Jeffrey have a hug Seepers, Bagels on Broadway, Allan Emery, Rick Buila, Johnny K’s, Chris and Carly Pietrzyk, Karl and Ava Pietrzyk, North Park Lounge, Jen Webber, The Highland Bar, Ed and Mary Bender, Derek Ackerman, Frank Sinatra, Stereolab, Jeff Spicoli, BGSU, Brian and Dana Vardzel, John Hughes, Guy Ritchie, Jen and Shawn McWilliams, John and Rebecca Mellor, The Soggy Bottom Boys, Chris Farley fat guy in a little coat…and all the Kids in America, I thank you.

Foreword

With your eyes wide open, you could see nothing. So many questions swirled around your head as you scrambled to try to figure out what went wrong. Had it all been some kind of strange dream, or perhaps someone’s sick joke? As you attempted to decipher the code, you only became more confused. You tried to put it in the simplest of terms. I am, me, you began repeating over and over again to yourself. As the reality of this statement began to sink in, you became faint and nauseous. You had pushed your mind to a place it could not go. The doorway had begun to pry open, but what was behind it could not be known. With every ounce of your soul, you tried to push past, but you had reached the end.

You had spent it all. Every last moment had been used. What had it all been about? Your days growing up seemed so far away. Your mother, father, sisters, and brothers, all were distant memories. You had spent it all fumbling from one idea to the next. Thoughts becoming reality becoming memories. Anticipation had become your only sense of pleasure. You had spent it all living for tomorrow. How had you let that happen? Why had it been so easy to do? In your incredibly swift moving now, the present had become a flash that you were incapable of grasping. Tomorrow, you would say. That would be when it would all come together. As your tomorrows became yesterdays, you began to lose touch.

The only control you could ever hope to cling to was within your own mind. Intricately created fantasies became your reality. Nothing was impossible within the safe confines of your head. Close your eyes. Could you see it then? That’s what was possible…right? You once believed that this was undeniable, but somehow you had allowed the unrelenting force of reality to beat you down. Thoughts conveniently categorized, subcategorized, and filed away got misplaced within the shuffle. Who could keep track of all that shit? There was simply too much information to be able to sort through it all. You got lost. It wasn’t your fault. You were cursed with a brain. Your thoughts became your own worst enemy. If only I was a moron, you would say. It would all be so simple. With the gift of an intelligent mind, came multiple complications. The answers were there, but you could never be sure which one was right. Roll the dice, flip a coin, and make a choice. Don’t worry, chances were it was the wrong one, but that was the beautiful irony of it all. Eventually you learned…didn’t you?

There was a delicate balance. You walked a tightrope. Your life became the battle between your own unbridled creativity and what was actually possible within the cleverly manipulated, controlled, and fabricated real world. As you desperately tried to keep your head above water, there was always that voice in the back of your mind. Is it all worth it? it would ask. A moot question, of course, since it had never been a question of worth, but always a question of why. That was the question that had terrified you the most. It had once been so easy to ask. You remembered repeatedly asking your mother that same question when you were a child. But the answers were simpler then. Later, they became absolute. You struggled with the realization that some questions have no answers, and sometimes you’re just better off not asking the questions at all. Asking why only led to asking why. You found yourself standing in between two mirrors, looking at your infinite reflection, trying to convince yourself that maybe if you squinted hard enough, you could see the final you.

It was a scavenger hunt. You shuffled from one door to the next; working whatever magic you could conjure, in an attempt to accumulate the necessary items to just get by. Sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was strange, but often it was just sad. When you were done, most of the faces stayed familiar, but you couldn’t possibly remember all their names. Each house stumbled through became a nugget of yourself that was added to your soul. Built from a lifetime of accumulated encounters and experiences, you looked back on it all and simply thought, Wow! Anything less would have been inappropriate. Anything more would have been overkill. What had you spent it all searching for? Identity? Place? Meaning? Did you find any answers? Had it all been worth it? Careful, there you’d go again.

Trying to figure out who you truly were became a reoccurring theme in your life. No matter how hard you tried to suppress it, this question refused to be ignored. Eventually, in an attempt to stop the gears from grinding against one other, you came up with the simplest digestible and trite answer. You were able to install the switch. Within the split second between on and off’, you blurted out the answer; I’m just a guy…that’s all". And then you were on cruise control. It could be so simple if you just lied to yourself and turned it all off. Maybe that was the answer? You watched the sheep. You knew it worked for them, why not for you?

Do you get it? Mentally, you would grab them by the shoulders and shake them until it either sank in, or glanced off. When they got it, you knew you were home. Packs of unconventional underdogs covertly maneuvered within the mainstream. Each of their subversive tactics and actions were nearly undetectable. If you knew what to look for, you could find them. When you met, it was as if anything was possible. Like minds came together and conspired for change. There was power in numbers. The Man had taught you that. Things were so complicated then. There seemed to be only a few that would truly know what you meant. At those moments, maybe for a brief second, it all seemed worth it…didn’t it?

You woke up. Or did you? Sometimes you couldn’t be quite sure. Aspiration became a common state of mind for you. Dreams would be reality if only you could clip their wings and make them what they shouldn’t be. You began to forget what was and was not acceptable to the masses. They caught on. You had been so careful, but you couldn’t keep it under wraps forever. A slip up here, a slip up there, and then the cat was out of the bag. Too late for apologies, it was all or nothing. You hoped that they would understand, but you were a dreamer. With all your heart, you believed that these things were possible. You could see them, why couldn’t everyone else? If only they would listen, you would say. You had all the answers…didn’t you? Oh well, it was worth a try. Or so you thought. They tried to wear you down with their suspicions, paranoia, and patronizing attitudes. But you never gave up. You actually believed that you could make a difference. Maybe that was what it was all about?

You hoped for a lot of things. You spent it all anticipating the realization of beautiful ideas that, to you, were just common sense. The frustration that came from knowing that not everything was that simple was almost insurmountable. Often, your hope was the only fuel that kept your passions alive. Mentally and physically beat down from a lifetime of going toe to toe with the ideals that had been so carefully entrenched in our minds and culture, you knew that it hadn’t been for nothing. Somehow you knew, that in the end, because you had stayed true to your instincts and what you had learned, you had made a difference. After all, anything was possible…right?

To you, most people were insignificant and exhausting. You had met very few extraordinary individuals. It was just one of those things, no big deal. But on the rare occasion when you happened to run into one of those special people, it all seemed to make sense. You never took for granted the gifts that they could bring to your life. Real friends were definitely few and far between. Luckily, you weren’t foolish enough to allow the truly amazing ones to drift out of your life. You grabbed on and didn’t let go. Sometimes they were the only things that kept you afloat. What a difficult and terrifying trip it would have been without them along. Wasn’t it scary to think about where you might have gone without them?

There were so many questions and very few answers. Now that it’s all over, how could you have known that something so unbelievably complicated could have been explained away in just two words…hope and friendship.

A Delicate Balance

A view popped into my head as I lay upon the grass. I could envision every single star, as it would appear in the night sky. I could see them, every single one. The older stars that have come and gone, were there burning as brightly as they ever had. I felt the blades of grass all around me. I felt the simple love of their touch. I inhaled the air as if it were as brilliant as anything I had ever tasted, and then exhaled just as slowly. This was no special occasion, just a night alone. At this moment I loved all creatures great and small. I had not a care in the world. I had finally realized life is short and there really is no room for sadness or pain. Sure I still felt these things, but now I made it my goal to not revel in them as I once had done. I could still feel the cold sting of that warm September day. The amount of pain emanating from our hearts rings out across this nation. I had hoped pure hatred and violence would not follow, but it appears our leaders will take us down that road. I can’t explain what it means to me to see that tattered piece of cloth brought forth for all to see. I cannot explain the sheer brilliance of a snowy day or a good song. I wish I could but I simply can’t. Sometimes words can be useless when it comes to beauty. That’s why I present to you my wonderful collection for all to behold. You have been given a gift and I might say a very good one. You are living the legacy of Don’t Stop the Disco. Sure this voice may not be much like that one, but the voice continues and that’s what is important. The man can’t keep us down. Stick it to the man every chance you get. What? What do you mean that’s not in the script? Have you read it? Cause it’s there. Yes, I can read jackass! Can you? That’s it! I’m done with this business. Where’s my agent? Mark, get over here. Didn’t I tell you this script would never work for me? I have to ad lib. I am quick on the draw. I can improvise better than Robin Williams. Don’t you know I’m famous? Hey Markie I’m talking to you. I’m walking off this set. I mean it. I’ll do it. I’m walking. See me? Man walking here. Watch me go, to and fro. La ti da. Is anyone still out there? Ok, I’ll get back in character. Please one moment while I gather my thoughts. May I have some water please? The cameras are still on right? Man it seems like they’re still rolling. How about I say action and we get right back to it? Anyone? Bueller? Ok, Action! As I was saying, I welcome you one and all to the 1 Eyed Monkey. Please keep your hands to yourself at all times and always remember to tip your server when you leave. Also, feel free to get your throat ready to do some singing. Everybody likes a good song you know.

So here we are. The music is ready. The band is in place. The players have begun their final preparations. I have just finished fumigating my trailer for laughs. So sit back and enjoy the show. It’s a bit longer than the last one, but hey that just means more quiet time for the two of us. You know what I mean? I am a Scorpio. What’s your sign? I know, how about a joke? Ever here the one about the bathroom? It goes like this, if you’re American when you go in and American when you come in what are you while inside? European. Wisconsin, get it? Just ask Dave he’ll tell you all about it. This evening’s entertainment has been brought to you by; Filagerer the makers of fine orange jump suits for the workplace. Remember, if it’s not Filagerer, its just garbage. Hmm, how does that jingle go now? Curtain call, dim the lights. This is it we’ll hit the heights. Oh what heights we’ll hit. On with the show this is it. I learned all that I’ll ever need to know from that damn rabbit. God bless you Bugs and all your furry little offspring. "What now? I did the damn song!

What else could you possibly want from me? I give and I give and I give! You can’t get blood from a stone Jerry. I’m telling you. Hey, get your hands off me. Well, of course I know this is a Sheetz convenient store. Why else would I be here? Unhand me you Cretans! Good luck to all and a happy good night

The Magnificent Seven Ride Again

Remember the Time

I was on my way to the club one night, when I had the sudden urge to pull off and pick up a big gulp at the nearest Sheetz. There is, of course, only one Sheetz. The perfect blend of nacho cheese and sauerkraut filled those hallowed aisles on a nightly basis. When I entered the fine establishment I espied someone I had known many years ago. I walked up to him and hugged him. I then proceeded to tell him every sordid detail of my life over the past ten or so years. I regaled him with tales of kinky sex, threesomes, gay bars and cheap whores. I left out no detail, no matter how small or insignificant. I then let out a raucous laugh and took a swing at him. The feisty devil was quick, but not quick enough. He then picked himself up off the floor and said the oddest thing.

"Sir I have no idea who you are, nor do I wish to know. I simply work here. You’ve been coming in here for five years now and each and every time you do this to me. I have had nightmares about some of the shit you’ve told me. I’ve had to go to therapy. My wife left me. I have no money. I’m lonely and I work at a food mart. So for the love of God, if there is a heavenly father, will you please just pay for your hot dog with sauerkraut and go!

That crazy Sammy! What else could I do? I let out a roar and put him in a headlock. I gave him noogies, all the while saying Whose your buddy? He loved it! Then I was off. I had to get to the club early. I jumped in my ride, Duke boy style. It was a Honda Civic, black as night and fast as a pistol. I pulled up to the light and laughed at some jackass in an IROC. I picked out a boogie just for him then flicked it with a wink. By the time I had gotten to the club, I was damn ready to dance. I parked the pimpmobile and headed for the door. It was then that I saw that crazy Asian, Marcos. He frightened me.