Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    Manhattan Cocktail
    Manhattan Cocktail
    Manhattan Cocktail
    Ebook156 pages1 hour

    Manhattan Cocktail

    By Lewis B. Frumkes

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    In the spirit of Robert Benchley, with the updated slant of humorists such as Dave Barry, Lewis Burke Frumkes brings us Manhattan Cocktails. In this delirious collection, Frumkes parodies normalcy through mild-mannered satire, bizarre concepts, and sly sophistication.

    Manhattan Cocktail intoxicates us, blending vintage Americana with modern mania. Frumkes puts a spin on our lives, adding a twist to our perceptions of children, social status, balding, executive giftmanship and all the other staples of daily living. Both old fans and new will be delighted and entertained as they immerse themselves in Frumkes' outlandish observations.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisheriUniverse
    Release dateMay 18, 2000
    ISBN9781475917833
    Manhattan Cocktail
    Author

    Lewis B. Frumkes

    Lewis Burkes Frumkes is a writer/humorist/teacher/broadcaster. In addition to the many books he's written his writing has appeared in many venues, including Harper's, Punch and the New York Times. He has taught Humanities at Marymount Manhattan College and Harvard University. He lives in New York City.

    Related to Manhattan Cocktail

    Related ebooks

    American Government For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      LetTer BoCKS

      Apr 11, 2024

      LetTer BoCKS
      12 min read

    • Article

      Dethroned

      Sep 17, 2020

      Dethroned
      9 min read

    • Article

      Dethroned

      Oct 5, 2020

      Dethroned
      9 min read

    • Article

      Dethroned

      Oct 6, 2020

      Dethroned
      9 min read

    • Article

      The Spy

      Mar 4, 2021

      he problem with aphorisms is that T they can slip through the conscious mind undetected and burrow themselves into the part of the brain that internalises them as truth, unexamined. Take the phrase ‘only boring people get bored’. You have no doubt he

      2 min read

    • Article

      Woman About Town

      Jul 28, 2022

      Woman About Town
      5 min read

    • Article

      LetTErBoCkS

      Oct 12, 2023

      LetTErBoCkS
      13 min read

    • Article

      Letter Boks

      Feb 4, 2021

      I READ that Christopher Columbus was 41 years old when he went to America, and as a consequence everyone celebrates him to this day. I was 25 when I first landed on the East Coast of the USA, and yet not one book has been written about me despite the

      18 min read

    • Article

      Return Of The Bores

      Mar 9, 2022

      All bores are boring but not all boring people are bores. There are plenty of innocent folk who like nothing more than to share their anxieties about the village fête with you – and they’ll do it for 20 minutes you’ll never get back. Yet these are ju

      3 min read

    • Article

      Right Royal Madness

      Feb 9, 2022

      Taking up the latest fashion in one’s fifties is ill advised, but sometimes one just can’t help oneself. So it was when I was inadvertently catapulted into the ranks of the ultratrendy last year, diagnosed as mentally ill. Bipolar, to be precise. It

      3 min read

    • Article

      How To Be A Real Man

      Jun 1, 2020

      How To Be A Real Man
      3 min read

    • Article

      ‘Riots I Have Known’: Featured Fiction from Ryan Chapman

      May 21, 2019

      Lopez, right before they stabbed him in the yard—this was maybe last winter or the winter previous—you know what he said? He said: “Time makes fools of us all.” The post ‘Riots I Have Known’: Featured Fiction from Ryan Chapman appeared first on The M

      4 min read

    • Article

      LeTteR BooKs

      Aug 3, 2023

      LeTteR BooKs
      13 min read

    • Article

      A Recipe For Murder

      Oct 5, 2023

      A Recipe For Murder
      4 min read

    • Article

      Shaun ‘Budgerigar’ Derry

      Jul 3, 2019

      Shaun ‘Budgerigar’ Derry
      4 min read

    • Article

      The Art Of Conversation

      Nov 1, 2023

      The Art Of Conversation
      4 min read

    • Article

      Jim Jefferies

      Jul 20, 2022

      Jim Jefferies
      2 min read

    • Article

      Perv-O-Shine And Sleep Vaping: 23 Things I Learned About The World – And Myself – At Glastonbury 2023

      Jun 26, 2023

      Sure, sure, it’s hot, and you’re not going to shower, and this will force some choices at Glastonbury that you wouldn’t make in regular life: shorter shorts, for instance, or a hat. This doesn’t even come close to explaining the wild precision, the c

      7 min read

    • Article

      TOWN & COUNTRY

      Sep 24, 2020

      Women are each other’s human wonder bras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better. Females together tend to strip off to our emotional underwear – and it’s a psychological striptease that reveals all. During these heart-to

      3 min read

    • Article

      The Golden Years

      Feb 6, 2022

      The Golden Years
      2 min read

    • Article

      That’s Reality

      Feb 5, 2024

      That’s Reality
      4 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for Manhattan Cocktail

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      Manhattan Cocktail - Lewis B. Frumkes

      All Rights Reserved © 1989, 2000 by Lewis Burke Frumkes

      No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the publisher.

      Published by toExcel an imprint of iUniverse.com, Inc.

      Originally published by Simon & Schuster Inc

      For information address: iUniverse.com, Inc. 620 North 48th Street Suite 201 Lincoln, NE 68504-3467 www. iuniverse .com

      ISBN: 0-595-00235-8

      ISBN: 978-1-4759-1783-3 (ebook)

      Contents

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      MANHATTAN COCKTAIL

      1

      2

      3

      4

      5

      6

      7

      8

      9

      10

      11

      12

      13

      14

      15

      16

      17

      18

      19

      20

      21

      22

      23

      24

      25

      26

      27

      28

      29

      30

      ³¹

      32

      33

      34

      35

      36

      ABOUT THE AUTHOR

      For Yussel, who would have enjoyed this book.

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      Tim McGinnis, from the first, until the end, was my advocate, my inspired editor, and my friend. I will always owe him a debt of gratitude. I wish to express special thanks also to Laura Yorke, my bright, talented, and impossibly optimistic editor, and to Robin Rue, my loyal and canny agent, who for some ungodly reason thinks I am a riot. I believe it has to do with the fact that she once played the drums in a rock group. It’s out now Robin, Pandora made me do it. And finally, thanks to Dorothy Pittman for her grace and intelligence, and always sage advice.

      MANHATTAN COCKTAIL

      MANHATTAN COCKTAIL: 1, Any drink or beverage used to

      While away the time waiting for friends to show up. 2. A

      blend or intoxicating mix of sophisticated urban humor

      1

      MANHATTAN COCKTAIL

      I’ve been losing patience with people who make dates and habitually show up late. You know the type. In a typical scenario I’m waiting at a restaurant.

      Care for another drink?

      No thanks, bartender, twenty-three Perriers has just about quenched my thirst, but if you’d be good enough to pass those peanuts. Thanks.

      Waiting for friends? Yup.

      What time is your reservation? Eight.

      Its nine thirty-five.

      I know. Hold it, I think this is them now. Oh, Lewis dear, were so sorry. John had to have open heart surgery just as we were leaving the house. Hope you haven’t been waiting long.

      No, of course not, just got here myself. Oh bartender, what do I owe you for the Perriers? Thirty-five dollars.

      Or.

      We’ll pick you up at seven-thirty, okay? Great.

      Mrs. Hillpift said she’d be right down, something about a white rabbit.

      Thanks. Radio: This is the Rex Martin Show This is Guess That Tune This is Lamont Cranston, The Shadow This is Inner Sanctum This is the Late News This is Father Benjamin Mignonette This is the 7 A.M. News, Good Morning! Oh, Lewis, how nice of you to wait. My dress got caught in the computer and had to be rewoven—the buttons from Paris didn’t arrive until just a few minutes ago. You know how those French pilots are, as if they had all the time in the world. Why Lewis dear, you’re sweating. Are you sick, do you have a fever? Margaret, the party was yesterday.

      Oh dear, oh dear! I hope you’re not angry/’ No, of course not. Will John be down soon? Oh yes, any moment now. He was just checking the Encyclopedia Britannica for spelling errors."

      Suppressing the urge to strangle them I foolishly play their game. If they are usually a half hour fate and I want them at eight for a dinner party, I simply tell them to come at seven-thirty.

      Sometimes people aren’t footed by being told to come early, especially when they have arrived early two dates running. They regroup and come an hour fate the following time.

      Oh dear, are we late again?

      No problem, Janet, the Bushes said to send you their regards. That Barbara is such a love. Maybe you can meet them next time. Care for a drink?

      Of course if you don’t know the Bushes you may have to learn relaxation techniques to help you through the difficult waiting period. Personally,1 would cutivate the Reagans.

      Scientists have found that white waiting for a fate friend to arrive, the average person experiences contractions or tension spasms of the whole body. These contractions left unattended can reduce the person waiting to a whimpering, sobbing, howling bowl of jelly. Enter Lamazel

      As the tension mounts in your upper torso and neck, and you find yourself belching hitherto unknown expletives to the bartender about your friend, begin a gentle pattern of slow, rhythmic pant-breathing accompanied by counting from one to ten. After about a half hour of this breathing, just as you are shifting into acute spasm and foaming at the mouth, try what the French call effleurage or butterfly stroking. Lie

      down across the top of the bar at the restaurant and move your fingertips in soft circles over the centers of tension (in your case your entire body). Try not to pay attention to other diners who out of ignorance may be calling an ambulance or the police. Relax!

      Finally, when dealing with inveterate, degenerate late-comers, persons who flagrantly abuse your good graces and nature by asking specifically when they should meet you only so they will know when to be late—swift retribution is called for. Biblical justice.

      Hi, I hope I haven’t kept you waiting long.

      Unfortunately you have, Patty. (Signalling to the executioner waiting in the wings near the brazier) "Off with her

      head!"

      This last solution never fails to elicit responses of surprise from those who are late (pathological minds do not expect capital punishment for being late), and it really works. Unless a special presidential reprieve arrives, hand delivered, I urge you to use it. Trust me, with people like the Beemaxes it is the only way. Here they come now. Ready?

      Oh, hi dear, I hope we haven’t kept you waitin’… Rat-a-tat-tat-a-tat-tat-a-tat.

      Others will respect you for your stand.

      2

      FRUMKES FOR PRESIDENT

      I like Dukakis. Dukakis is small and cute and calls everybody my friends, whether they are or they aren’t. But were talking about electing a president of the United States, my friends, a leader who will be the most powerful man on earth. Dukakis, with or without his friends, just isn’t exciting enough. I also like George Bush. George is tall and handsome, the kind of man every divorced woman in America hopes she’ll meet on a blind date. George can boogie like a demon, hit golf balls with the best of them, and model V-necked sweaters for GQ; but, lets face it, friends, he’s just too wimpy to be president. That is why I have decided to run for president.

      But where am I coming from, you ask? What is my platform? Good question.

      As you probably know, the Russians are winning the arms race. Back in the seventies, when the peaceniks and mollycoddles were talking Salt II and détente, and we foolishly stopped producing arms, the devious Russians continued to build weapons behind our backs—Build, Sergei, build! Yo, ho, heave ho! Catch the capitalist dogs now, but don’t let them see you. Today they not only have parity with us, they have surpassed us in every major military area. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you about their SS-20, PLr4, and PI-5 missiles, all huge and MIRVed and equipped with needles and spiders, capable of taking out planets the size of Saturn. They are awesome. Or their Gruntov Battle Titan, a gigantic evil robot that eats soldiers in the field and then spits them out again. "Ha, ha, ha! Imperialist peeg! Grrrl Crunch, crunch! Ha, ha, ha! Believe me, the Russians are fiends. They are tough and mean and never show mercy. Please, comrade, no, spare me. I will learn ‘The Volga Boatmen by heart, please—arghhh!" In any nuclear confrontation they would kick our teeth in. I wouldn’t lie to you. If you don’t want your children to be eaten by a Gruntov Battle Titan or incinerated by a nuclear missile, you had better get your priorities straight and jump on the Frumkes bandwagon now. Uncle Lew needs you!

      How will I offset the Russian lead, you ask? I will build not only a Stealth bomber, that invisible flying wing you have seen drawings of in Time magazine, but Stealth aircraft carriers that launch invisible fighter planes, and Stealth submarines and Stealth tanks. I will build an entire Stealth army

      equipped with black cloaks and Reebok sneakers so that we can tiptoe across the Russian border without being detected and walk right up to Gorbachevs office inside the Kremhn walls.

      Did you hear something, Boris?No, not me, Mr. Chairman. It must have been the wind."

      I will allow private

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1