Celtic Tales3 Love

Tale 1: Chicken Lady and Viking  

One part of the family had come from the north to raid the other part. My grandmother, as a young woman, had long since determined that there were no young men for several shires around that she was interested in. Her mother was upset with her and kept asking her what she wanted.

She said, I want one of those men who killed bears in the frozen hell to the north, beat the old ladies at their own game, and stole away young ladies like me.

Her mother kept saying, That’s legend, girl. That’s legend!

Eggs and such fetched a huge price. She went on a long trip down to Kennsit. The people there gave her some chickens and feed for them, because she was so fascinated. They gave her six hens that were good at broody, some young layers, and one rooster.

On the way back two of the men killed one of her layers and were plucking it when she came upon them preparing supper. She wasn’t the tallest woman around, and she was slender, so people thought she was weak because of it. She had her walking stick. She laid that first man out away from the fire and the second one into the fire.

She picked up her dead chicken and said, Any of the rest of you do this, and I’ll beat your brains out!

Meanwhile, two men were pulling Yea out of the fire. He was beginning to smoke a bit. Everybody left her chickens alone, didn’t they?

She got those chickens back up home. She lost a few in the early days, but by the time the family from the north came in ships to call, she had quite a flock.

The Norsemen were coming. The boys at Breyauchs were not paying attention, so they didn’t send a smoke signal up until they’d already made the turn into the bay.

My grandmother went and hid little children that depended on her under some thorn bushes. She knew they’d never make the hill.

She was underneath there saying, Shush, shush. We don’t want them to know we are here.

She beheld the ships run aground. The young men jumped off on shore and just kept on running. One in particular captured her attention.

She said, A hole opened in the clouds, and it shone on his hair like it was a cap of gold. As they were coming into the beach—you know how the men hold up their oars—this giant roared and jumped on the oars from the back and ran up them. As the ship hit the shore, he was in the air and landed running.

God made her heart leap to see such a thing.

They went everywhere. Some of the local men stayed to fight, trying to save the granary. She couldn’t believe how big the giant man was until he passed the post area in the center of the town where they post the bands. She realized he was near it. He lifted his arm and the post went under it. The post was taller than she was. All of a sudden she realized that he was bigger than any man she’d ever seen in her life. He made her feel all strange inside, even though he was an invading barbarian.

He went straight to her hen house and vaulted the fence. He commenced to lay about him with his sword chopping off heads. She came out of hiding with a roar. Some of the other men saw her, but she was fast. She was a pretty fast old lady when I knew her too.

Grandfather said he didn’t know what was coming, but it was ferocious and beautiful beyond belief. He loved the look on her face. It made the starving bears of the north look like gentle lambs. One of his men was almost intercepting.

He was going to say, Why don’t you stay away from her.

She didn’t even look. She reached out and grabbed the ax off the block, gave it a flick of her wrist, and buried it in that man’s chest. He went down making a hole in the dirt. The other men headed for her then. She came jumping the fence over the garden and scooped something off the ground. It was a hoe. She came on up and through the gate to the hen yard. She started beating him with the hoe and yelling.

Stay away from my chickens! They are my chickens. I raise them for eggs. I didn’t raise them for some barbarian to kill them all! They are the only chickens this far north. They are my chickens!

He said, I was just hungry for a good chicken dinner, lady.

She said, Well, you won’t get it this way.

She agreed she’d cook a good meal for him and his men if they’d behave a bit more polite. So, in the midst of battle, they gathered up.

A lot of her chickens escaped in the wild, but she kept a few. She picked up the dead bodies. One of the men got a pot going. They dipped them and plucked them. She got the fat and flour. Everywhere she went, they followed her like young wolves. When she got done, they had a pot of hot oil going. She just dropped the pieces in. They came out golden brown on the outside and tender on the inside.

My grandfather just watched her. He didn’t care what she made. She could have burned wood, and he would have eaten it. She gave him a piece of golden brown chicken with her hand. He grabbed a hold of it, and it burned his hand, so he dropped it in the sand. He gave that piece to Rufus, his right hand man. Rufus washed it off and ate it. She gave him another piece with her hand. He bore the burn that time. It burned her hand too, but she was going to teach the barbarians a lesson. He still watched her. He bit into it. He looked at it, because his mother and his aunts were good cooks, but he had never had anything like that in his mouth before.

He looked up at her and said, My God in heaven, woman, you’ve killed one of my men, and you’ve won my heart away with your wild ways, and you can cook better than anything I’ve tasted in my life. Come away with me and be my woman.

She said, What? and leave my chickens?

He said he sat his butt on the ground right firm. They couldn’t get to the granaries, because the men were holding tight. They looted a bit, then fell back to their ship. He went down munching on a chicken. He turned in the water and took something off his head.

He tossed it up in the air and said, Catch it and keep it, woman. I’ll be back for it and you.

She caught it out of the air, and she’s got it to this day. It is just a large lump of amber with an insect in it, a hole burned in one corner, and a thong to wear it on. She could smell him on the thong. It smelled mighty good to her.

She ran down to the water’s edge there with swords, and axes, and blood on the ground. He heard her coming. He wasn’t sure whether he was going to split her throat or what. She threw herself through the air, locked her arms around him, and gave him a kiss. He felt he was going to die and fall down, because he was so giddy from the thing.

She said, Go away, before there is more killing between yours and mine, but if you’re brave enough, you might try coming back for me.

He and his men came back sailing slowly not quite a month later. Some of the people there remembered that these were the ones who didn’t go killing, raping, and raiding. They just sat down to a chicken dinner with the rest of the guests.

They came up and hit the shore gently. He hopped down. His men tossed down to him two big bags. He came up on the shore with the men down there bristling.

He said, Excuse me. I’ve come to see Chicken Lady.

She came down there.

He handed her two big bags of chickens and said, I’m sorry I’ve messed up your flock with some going out and getting lost in the wild.

She didn’t tell him that her chickens returned at feeding time.

She looked at the chickens and said, How do I know they don’t have diseases that will kill my whole flock?

He just couldn’t believe it. He was trying to be nice. He just couldn’t get her out of his mind, but she was so mean to him. He knew she hated his guts and despised him, but he couldn’t figure out why.

He put a small box of gold down at her parents’ feet and said, That’s for damages, and to splice the suit forward for her hand in marriage, if she’ll have me.

He hadn’t seen an iceberg so cold or hard hearted as she was.

She just stood there with her lips pursed. She looked so delicate and so light. He was remembering how much he was going to have to pay to Billinger’s kin in death payment for her killing him, even though it was a raid. You know how families are. They want to get their worth out. When somebody kills one of your men, you don’t usually go down and marry them.

They looked through that box of gold. I don’t think that town had seen a gold piece, ever. They weren’t poor, they just didn’t see that much cash money.

One of the sour men said, Well, you can’t eat that.

So he brought over two giant jugs of wine. The women were some put out by that. When they looked at it, they found out that one was wine for the men, and the other was oil for the women. Oil is very hard to come by, so everybody was pleased about that, except for my grandmother. She was still standing there like a stiff rod. He looked at her, then walked over and looked down at her.

He said, When you kissed me, you put a fire in my blood that has consumed me throughout. I feel like a stolen ember. I come back here. I’m pursuing marrying you, but I’ll only do it if you’ll have me.

She touched with her toe that box of gold and tipped it over in the sand like it was dirt. Grandmother said she was so nervous she almost fell over when she was going to point at the gold with her foot. She wound up knocking it over. It was all she could do to keep standing up.

Back and forth they tell the story. They do good on a Hall night.

She was still standing there stiff, and she said, And why should I marry you?

He said, Well, I got my own boat.

She looked at him like he just said, I got a pile of cow manure.

He said, I’m a fine warrior. I go on raids and do well. My ships are loaded with good stuff, not just gold, but good food stuffs and everything. I’m going to find a land not claimed. Why don’t you come with me and help me build it?

That made her feel better, but she again said, Why should I marry you?

He looked so thoroughly miserable, and she was enjoying herself so much she couldn’t stop. She felt a great power over this huge man.

He said, Because if you don’t marry me, it’ll break my heart, and I’ll be desolate forever.

She thought that was nice, but it sounded like the things girls hear from every Jon, Bjorn, and Olaf. So she asked him again. She said for the third time.

Why should I marry you?

He slumped, relaxed, and got over his high-horse of being the big chopper man. He was so discouraged; he thought he’d lost her, so he just told her the truth.

Because I love you with all my being and can’t live without you. I want you to bear my sons and daughters.

When he said that, it cut through her central core down deep. She found herself smiling at him and stepping forward.

She said, In that case, I’ll marry you, sir, with the proper bands.

So he and his men stuck there. He provided food for this and that.

There was a place down the bay that she had looked at a few times, and thought about how to develop. They sailed down and looked at it, with proper chaperones, then they came back again. She agreed she’d go and visit his home for a year, before they came back to set up.

At the wedding feast she served chicken, all of her chickens, because she said, I’ll not leave anything here.

She took her stuff and gave it all away, except for what she carried under her arm on to that ship.

When she came into his village they pulled up alongside the pier. That shocked her. Not even her village had a pier. There were storage buildings by the end of the pier. Her people had naught like that. That shocked her again. He lived in a very well organized well built place. She was feeling good about that.

With her bundle under her arm they climbed the steps. There was a lady there looking at her like she was dirt. Some of the other ladies were looking down there.

He said, I want to introduce my wife to you. I got married while I was gone.

One big, hefty woman just started roaring and charging down the walkway at her. It is built up a steep slope. My grandmother wasn’t as small and delicate as she looked; she had muscles. She whipped all the way around and kicked the other woman in the gut. It was a passing kick. The woman ran right off the walkway and fell down the hill slope. My grandmother turned back around. My grandfather said she looked like a raging demon with hell-fire in her eyes. Even his mother backed up a step from her.

He swelled out his chest like he did it and said, Now that’s my wife.

His mother and all the other women were fearsome bad to her. She told herself when she went there she could stand anything for a year. That lasted until the third day. His mother said something to her while she was by the fire with a grill kettle. It had a big arm on it. She laid his mother out senseless with the fryer on that thing. She did damage to a few other women before he got there and got her to hand it over. His mother looked like she might recover. After that, the women still weren’t nice to her, but at least they weren’t nasty.

The rest of that spring and summer were miserable for her. She’d go off to places and collect herbs for medicine and dry them. Some things she didn’t know. Some visits other people went with her; sometimes she went by herself. On one of the trips a man who lived on the land tried to rape her. She didn’t kill him, because she remembered how much it cost for the other man, but she marked his manhood up. She poked a knife through it.

He said, Hey, look what I’ve got!

She had her knife out and poked him. While he was screaming and hollering, she marked his back up. For those who could read ogham, she marked across his back and when he hopped around, across his chest: foul rapist and murderer of children. The people who could read really treated him funny. He filed suit at the council chamber two nights later, because she’d poked a hole through his hand and his manhood with her knife.

She said, He came towards me and reached out to grab me. He said he was going to give me a good ride on his pony. I didn’t particularly like his pony, so I figured I’d put a hole in it, so he’d have something to do while he’s pissing.

The men liked that.

She looked at her husband and said, Don’t worry. I cleaned the knife off in the fire, before I cut supper that night.

Everybody just roared over that. My grandfather wasn’t real thrilled. He looked at the man.

The man said, Now remember the death tax, the death tax.

He said, There ain’t no death tax for rape among your own group!

That stilled him. She was a contract wife, not just a hand-faster.

My grandfather said, You been a long time needing straightening. I’ll leave it to the council whether it is to the death or not.

He unstacked all of his weapons, giving her his short sword.

He said, Come on down in the sand and fight, Bolo.

He was wearing nothing but his clout when he got down there. Bolo came down after unloading his weapons, but it turned out he still had a knife left. Grandfather beat him and found the knife on him.

The head of the council shouted, Kill him!

The council told the family of Bolo that they would have to leave the cove. Trying to rape a woman was bad enough, but the knife wasn’t even his. It belonged to his uncle. The family wasn’t happy.

Grandfather said, You can end it. He can leave like a wolf.

After that the women were a bit better to my grandmother. It wasn’t until the late summer babies were born and the damp and cold of fall had set in that the babies got all colicky. My grandmother fixed a medicine from the south-lands and gave it to those babies. They sucked it down. She put whatever it was that healed them in with honey and comfrey, because comfrey has a good taste. She put it on her finger and they’d suck it right off. It cured up the children. Those women were really nice to her. It wasn’t until midwinter when her mother-in-law came down with winterkill that my grandmother really became loved by the people.

She said to my grandfather, Go ye in your wonderful ship and race, because it is a race of death. Bring me back ten chickens.

He did. Every third day she would kill a chicken and boil it up with her herbs. She cured her mother-in-law of the sickness. It isn’t usually winterkill that kills them; it is the complications. She made little noodles and fed it to her mother-in-law. Everybody treated her like a favorite daughter after that. She was a tough one. Grandfather said his mother cried when they sailed away at the end of the year. She told him he better take care of her daughter. They tell it back and forth, and they have these pauses while they are remembering.

Grandfather said he loved her, because she was so delicate, sweet, and gentle, but he always remembered the ax sticking out of his friend. She said she hadn’t even been going for him; it was just an aside to keep him from interfering with her. She said she’d never even thrown a knife before, but I’m not sure my grandfather believed that.

Tale 2: Swiss  

I am of the line Danu, clan Aseir. My troubles and my reason for living all came from one woman. She was called Jaunyeava. It means in God, or from God, or because of God. Her beauty abounded. The trouble started when I met her.

I was walking in the garden at her home. I had heard of her before, that she was a great beauty, and this and that. But they say that about all the young ladies. It is true that they are all young, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I turned the corner by a shrub and found myself face to face with another person. To this day her face remains hazy in energy we were giving off. We locked eye to eye. Time stopped for us. We could have been there a long time or only a moment, I do not know. We stepped forward into each other’s arms. I felt her divine form underneath her thin robes. I immediately thought of mating, not in the lustful sense like with a barroom wench, but in the ultimate sense, the communication in joining between a man and a woman.

Then we were lying on the herbage, kissing each other passionately. It was perfect communication. We made love out there in the afternoon sun. We left to go to ceremonies. We stood there as if we had never seen each other. While everyone was toasting, we met behind the rose bushes. While everyone was ten to fifteen feet away, we quietly coupled behind the roses. We wiled the afternoon away.

The only one who approached us was a gardener. He stopped for a moment. Speaking quietly, almost to himself, he said, Good. These damn gardens have been vacant for too long. Have fun children. Then, he turned and left.

We parted late that afternoon. Everyone was expected back in the main complex to wash, freshen up, and change clothes before supper.

Rucheck was beside himself. I had barely made the ceremony, wasn’t in my proper position, had arrived late to dress for dinner, and had smelled like I had been with some woman. He wanted to know the name of this beautiful damsel.

I hadn’t the foggiest idea. At the time, it didn’t seem important. He laughed and clapped me on the back.

Meanwhile, this damsel had been discovered out by one of the women who served her aunt. Her aunt had been notified and was horrified. She sent word to the uncle, and they were trying to decide what to do. The whole purpose of the gathering and the ceremonies was to pledge this girl in marriage to one of my older cousins. He was old enough to be her father.

At the time, I didn’t know or care who she was. My family watched me closely at dinner. I only looked for her, but she wasn’t at any of the dinner tables. After the meal, Rucheck, who was responsible for the family at such events, locked me in my room. The windows were barred. I still didn’t know or care who she was. He didn’t know who the damsel was, but when the guest of honor didn’t show up for dinner he panicked. He was afraid I had something to do with her being missing. He didn’t care whether I was responsible or not; he had enough troubles going on around there without me messing with some strange woman. She could be anyone including the old dame herself, because I wasn’t talking.

She came to my room that night, and unlocked the door, since it was barred from the