No Worries, Mate: A Manly Adventure in the Land Down Under

Contents

Dedication

Initial Walkabout

Walkabout 1

Walkabout 2

Walkabout 3

Walkabout 4

Walkabout 5

Walkabout 6

Future Walkabouts

Walkabout 7

Walkabout 8

Walkabout 9

Walkabout 10

Walkabout 11

Walkabout 12

Final Walkabout

Afterword

Dedication

This journal is dedicated to America’s greatest travel writer, Mark Twain, and to the cordial folks who call Australia home.

Initial Walkabout

Manly Essentials

One day it occurred to me that it had been many years since the world had been afforded the spectacle of a man adventurous enough to undertake a journey through Australia on foot. After much thought, I decided that I was a person fitted to furnish to mankind this spectacle. So I determined to do it.—A Tramp Abroad

So begins Mark Twain’s manly adventure, though with one slight change as to the destination. I made that particular alteration so as to inform the reader about my waking up one morning with an all-consuming thirst for a manly adventure in the land down under. And being neither a ne’er-do-well nor one of idle mind, I very soon and quite successfully completed the task of organizing such a journey. But it needs to be stated at the outset that my modern exploration of Australia demanded of me a severe and unparalleled honing of the manly virtues…a custom seldom seen in these less than manful times.

The Manly Essentials of a Manly Adventure

Reliable Sources on Australia

Now it wouldn’t be right to enjoy a manly adventure all on my own, so I decided to keep this journal as a way of taking the reader along as a fellow traveler. Of course, the fact that I’d never written a journal seemed at first a hindrance to the task before me. But a quick stroll through a local bookstore convinced me that experience is in no way a prerequisite for writing a travel journal. So I set my mind to the task at hand, although a grandiose purpose to the journal did have to wait until I was on my way to the land down under.

Reliable Sources on Australia

For those not averse to confronting the fancy typewriter, another look at my down under journey is found at the web address www.noworriesmate.com. On the Home Page of the No Worries, Mate web site is a link to some interesting Australian Web Sites, where the prospective swagman can explore down under places in more detail. So if the wherewithal is there, click on Australia for a list of general links, on Sydney for a list of city links, on the Surfer for a list of sports links, or on any state or territory for links to regional sites.

Being a man of limited knowledge outside the field of local Happy Hour times, I had to rely on a number of reliable sources in writing this journal, at least if my goal was to remain one of literary accuracy. Needless to say, I’ve seldom credited those sources while on my manly adventure in the land down under, for that’s a chore that would require scholarship, enterprise and attention to detail. And as those fine abilities are seldom accrued while honing the manly virtues, the reader will hopefully understand such negligence on my part. But if inaccurate information does appear, the blame must rest solely on my shoulders. This is acceptable, for after working many years for many bosses in many jobs, taking the blame comes quite naturally to me.

In the event that the reader is seeking more immediate insight into the cordial folks of Australia, a good place to begin is in the pages of The Lucky Country, by Australia’s Donald Horne. There, he wrote the following.

Americans—even the most influential and educated—often display an ignorance of Australia, seeing it in terms of England or in terms of America, or in no terms at all. That can wound Australians. They innocently feel that Americans should understand them better than that. Americans could find here some of the best friends they are likely to find in an envious world. Partly because in the pursuit of happiness for ordinary people Australians believe they are already ahead of America. With his thoughts in mind, I sincerely hope that this journal helps in some small part to bring to the peoples of these two quite similar nations a greater understanding of each other. and maybe even a stronger mateship.

Of course if at any point my words start sounding like a load of old equus crapuus, the reader is well advised to organize more manful ways of passing the time, perhaps by heading to the pub for a cold and frothy one. On the other hand, if he’s neither a ne’er-do-well nor one of idle mind, it’s recommended that the wannabe swagman catch the first flight to the land down under to hone his manly virtues. If that’s the case, then g’d on ya, mate.

The Manly Essentials of a Manly Adventure

In order to guarantee success, manly adventures in the land down under require a profound sense of direction. The key to this endeavor is contained in a short, but comprehensive book, The Manly Essentials of a Manly Adventure, by Dr. Morris A. Nussbaum, one of the most astute minds in the world today. So with the permission of the good Doctor, whom I’ve had the excellent fortune to meet with on a number of occasions, I’ll offer the reader any insights contained in that very helpful volume. And as Dr. Nussbaum is the world’s leading authority on the subject of honing the manly virtues, the reader will hear a great deal more about this remarkable man’s work throughout the journal.

The first challenge to organizing a modern exploration of Australia is in deciding what to take along. Dr. Nussbaum’s first rule of thumb is to pile enough in the swag to carry the modern explorer into a fight, though not so much as to make an honorable retreat difficult. With that timely advice in mind, he recommends that the traveler take along a wide selection of Hawaiian shirts, as well as any number of shorts or trunks. Thongs constitute the authorized swagman footwear; though for those individuals who haven’t honed the manly virtues to levels befitting a man, sneakers may be advisable when climbing Ayers Rock.

The traveler is also well advised to take along whatever’s needed for developing his manful body in beach or other sporting activities. Surfboards and bodyboards come highly recommended, especially for those in search of The Endless Aussie Summer. Golf clubs may also come in handy, for public courses at great locations are littered throughout Australia. And with some of the finest fishin’ in the world, real anglers already know what to take along.

Another important area of concern to the modern explorer is the appropriate music for any Manly Moments of manful ponderin’. The album Westerns! includes the themes from The Magnificent Seven, How the West was Won, The Big Country, as well as many other manly tracks. The soundtrack to Paint Your Wagon also comes highly recommended, except of course for the song where Clint starts talking to trees. This is clearly a faux pas for those of a manful temperament; then again, so is using French. And before going on, I promise here and now to keep the prospective swagman informed as to the whereabouts of all those down under Manly Moments.

As a point of scientific interest, researchers at the Institute of Manlyness (IOM) recently showed that listening to Western themes for thirty minutes a day increases an American male’s Manlyness Quotient (MQ) by an average of fifteen points. Quite impressive, and given the current assault on the US male, thoroughly necessary these days. Later on there’ll be more

on this important study, as well as information about the MQ testing tool developed by Dr. Nussbaum and his associates at the IOM.

Unfortunately, Rawhide isn’t included in the Westerns! collection, so it must be found elsewhere. It was originally sung by that most manly of men, Frankie Laine, though the Blues Brothers performed quite a good rendition of it too. Now it’s surprising to me how few Yanks know the words to Rawhide, a song most men of a manful nature consider to be the second national anthem of the good old US of A, at least before she became gentrified beyond belief. So for those prissy-assed wimps who don’t know the words to this celebration of manliness, I’ve written them down for the prospective traveler down under. My only advice is to learn them…or walk the lonely road of unmanliness forever.

Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, though the streams are swollen, keep

them doggies rollin’, Rawhide.

Through rain and wind and weather, Hell bent for leather, wishin’ my gal was by my side.

All the things I’m missin’, good vittles, love and kissin’, are waitin’ at the end of my ride.

Move ‘em out, head ‘em up, head ‘em up, move ‘em out, move ‘em out, head ‘em up, Rawhide.

Cut ‘em out, ride ‘em in, ride ‘em in, cut ‘em out, cut ‘em out, ride ‘em in, Rawhide.

Keep movin’, movin’, movin’, though they’re disapprovin’, keep them doggies movin’, Rawhide.

Don’t try to understand ‘em, just rope and throw and brand ‘em, soon we’ll be livin’ high and wide.

My heart’s calculatin’, my true love will be waitin’, be waitin’ at the end of my ride.

Move ‘em out, head ‘em up, head ‘em up, move ‘em out, move ‘em out, head ‘em up, Rawhide.

Cut ‘em out, ride ‘em in, ride ‘em in, cut ‘em out, cut ‘em out, ride ‘em in, Rawhide.

Postcards from the Cutting Edge

Dr. Nussbaum also makes a few recommendations in his book with regards to reminding the mates back home about the unmanliness of their empty and barren lives. To aid in this worthwhile endeavor, the good Doctor offers some suggestions on how to create postcards from the cutting edge. Using standard self-adhesive labels, produce a few stickers similar to the ones on the postcard below.

The only time-consuming aspect of the project is the chore of typing in the names and addresses of all the mates. Fortunately, this task shouldn’t take any time out of a busy schedule in the pub, though it just might take some time out of a busy schedule at work. Of course if the reader knows how to use

Mail Merge, the job is easily accomplished in a fraction of the time. In that event, the entire day at the office can be devoted to Yahoo! Sports.

Once on a manly adventure, all the swagman has to do is pick up a few postcards and affix the labels. Then it’s just a matter of circling the sort of individual that the postcard is going to and checking the appropriate boxes on each label. And I’m sure the reader will agree that adding No worries, mate gives the postcard that personal touch. Finally, and once in the land down under, a well-placed stamp will send your manful reminder off to an envious mate or current resident back home.

A Grandiose Purpose

Mark Twain in Australasia

Once the departure preparations for Australia were ironed out, I spent my last evening in the land up over at the San Francisco Brewing Company, located at 155 Columbus Avenue. Happy Hour there offers fine beers at even finer prices. So being a discerning, some say cheap, drunk, some say rummy, I often find myself in that particular establishment at that particular hour. And while there, I gave great thought to a travel writer from a few years back.

Mark Twain in Australasia

In his most essential travel book, Dr. Nussbaum offers a few suggestions on reading materials for a Manly Man to carry along on a journey down under. Of course he prefaces his recommendations with the obvious fact that since ponderin’ over things ain’t exactly good for a man, reading should seldom be construed as manly behavior. The only exceptions to this rule are the daily Sports section, the car ads, the Guinness Book of World Records and The Manly Handbook. That last work is the quintessential guide on how to comport oneself as a man.

The only other exceptions to the reading recommendations listed above are any journals by America’s greatest travel writer, Mark Twain. Although he’s best known for his tales of good old Tom and Huck, Twain’s first literary successes came in relating humorous episodes from his many manly adventures in all parts of the world. Innocents Abroad; or, The New Pilgrim’s Progress (1869) tells of his journey to Southern Europe and the Holy Lands. He continues his observations of the continent in A Tramp Abroad (1880), a chronicle of a trip through Germany and Austria.

But Mark Twain also traveled extensively throughout America, and he left a couple of chronicles concerning those manly adventures. In Roughing It (1872), Twain relates the adventures of an unlikely Manly Man traveling about Nevada and California during the Gold Rush of the mid-1860’s. And in Life on the Mississippi (1883), Twain remembers his days in the manful profession of Riverboat Captain on the Old Muddy.

Now I’ve left one important travel book out, and it’s the work that came to be instrumental on my manly adventure in the land down under. Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World (1897) is the journal of a speaking trip Mark Twain undertook in 1895 and 1896. And of particular interest to the modern explorer are his observations of colonial Australia, many of which I’ve reported on dutifully throughout this journal. So whenever on a walkabout down under, I always kept a copy of Following the Equator (FE) close at hand to help me retrace Twain’s distinguished Australian footsteps of the 1890’s. My less-distinguished Australian footsteps of the 1990’s were then recorded in this journal.

My intention in this journal was never to recreate a historical account of Twain’s journey, for I’ve neither the professional background nor the sense of purpose to do so. Needless to say, the pub forever guarantees that lack of industry. But fortunately for the reader, there are individuals not afraid of a little hard work and scholarship. One such person is Miriam Jones Shillingsburg, author of a detailed biography of Twain’s tour in At Home Abroad: Mark Twain in Australasia. Her informative and entertaining work also proved an invaluable literary companion while organizing my own Mark

Twain tour of the land down under. And since I jumped around quite a bit on my walkabouts, at least as regards Twain’s journey, the reader may find it helpful to refer every now and then to his itinerary below.

Before going on, maybe I’d better set the stage for Mark Twain’s arrival to Australia. By 1894, Sam Clemens’ two business obsessions, the failed Paige typesetter and the mismanaged publishing firm of Charles L. Webster and Company, had delivered him into bankruptcy. But being a man of honor, a personal quality that many readers may be unfamiliar with, he determined to pay off those debts one hundred cents to the dollar. So fortunately for the rest of us, Mark Twain returned to the two things he did best, write and lecture. And in April of 1895, he entered upon a talking tour round the world.

That talking tour officially opened in Cleveland on July 15th and from there went through twenty-three performances as it moved across North America. Then on August 23rd, the lecture tour departed Vancouver on the RMS Warrimoo. The first lecture along the way was to have been the Sandwich Islands, known today as Hawaii, but a cholera epidemic forced the cancellation of the performance.

So the Warrimoo sailed on and finally arrived in Sydney by the middle of September; and for the remainder of 1895, Sam Clemens, with his wife Olivia and daughter Clara, traveled throughout Australia and New Zealand. And along the way, Twain lectured to packed and appreciative houses, using as the title of each Australasian performance, Mark Twain At Home’. Of course as one of the world’s most popular writers, he was heartily welcomed by all classes in society: from politicians to publicans, from club members to pub members, and from writers to folks who actually work for a living.

A Grandiose Purpose

After a long and pleasant session in the SF Brewing Company, the next day found me boarding my plane at San Francisco International. After sitting down in my seat, it dawned on me that perhaps I needed a grandiose purpose for my journal. I reckoned that that purpose would have to be profound, and yet simple enough for the average Manly Man to understand. But after careful consideration, I chose not to concern myself with being profound. Fortunately, some much-needed advice on the matter of a grandiose purpose came to me from Innocents Abroad, slightly altered, as is my habit.

This book is a record of a pleasure trip. If it were a record of a solemn scientific expedition, it would have about it that gravity, that profundity, and that impressive incomprehensibility which are so proper to works of that kind, and withal so attractive. Yet notwithstanding it is only a record of a picnic, it has a purpose, which is, to suggest to the reader how he would be likely to see Australia if he looked at it with his own eyes instead of the eyes of those who traveled in that country before him. I make small pretense of showing any one how he ought to look at objects of interest beyond the sea—other books do that, and therefore, even if I were competent to do it, there is no need.

I also felt compelled to keep a record of my on-going search for Manly Man. As many readers already know, that breed of male is extinct in contemporary America, a nation now devoid of all but Post-Manly Man. But I knew that if even one Manly Man remained in the world, he’d be living manfully in Australia. So that’s where my search would begin, and as it turned out, that’s where it would end. At this point the reader can only be told that I did indeed meet up with the Last Manly Man. However, that story, as well as another tale concerning the rise and fall of the now legendary Crocodile Scotty, must wait for the time being.

So after arriving at a grandiose purpose to my journal, I settled into the long Qantas flight down to Australia. That slightly taxing flight was fortunately made slightly less taxing by replenishing the manly virtues with cold Aussie grog all along the way. But after one last kip, I awoke to see the deep blue Pacific giving way to the rugged Australian coastline. And as the plane touched down in Sydney, I knew that a manly adventure in the land down under was about to begin.

Walkabout 1

Sydney

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.—Huckleberry Finn

Sydney is a place ideally suited for beginning a manly adventure in the land down under. The city not only sits on the most beautiful harbor in the world, but it also offers the wave explorer some of the best city surfin’ beaches anywhere. And while in town I was fortunate to meet up with the legendary Dr. Morris A. Nussbaum and speak with him about his most recent book, The End of Meat. Needless to say, that encounter had a lasting effect on me…and one for the better I might add.

A Most Manly Captain Botany Bay

At this point in most Australian guidebooks, the modern explorer is offered some well-meaning advice under the hubris, How To Get There. It strikes me that the writers of such patronizing volumes must think that the manly adventurer is either mentally limited or a few sheets to the wind. And though this may indeed be the case, it’s still a fact that any fool should be able to figure out how to get to the land down under. Just hop on a bloody plane, mate! You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to reckon that one out. Of course there was a time when planes didn’t quite make it all the way to Oz. In those days, an explorer had to venture manfully onto the high seas, hopefully to hone the manly virtues all along the way.

A Most Manly Captain

As the plane taxied along the runway, my thoughts drifted back in time to the first Western adventurers to set foot on the Australian continent. In the early 17th century, the 1600’s for the more cognitively challenged, the Portuguese to the north and the Dutch to the south explored the rugged shoreline of the southern land. The latter named this vast land New Holland, which fortunately didn’t stick. Let the modern explorer be thankful that those sorts of folks didn’t settle down under, otherwise the Aussies would all be wearing clogs while tiptoeing through the tulips. hardly a manful undertaking.

By the 18th century, British and French explorers began taking an interest in this immense and wondrous land. But let the modern explorer also be thankful that it was the English, and not the French, who finally staked a claim to this huge chunk of real estate. If it had been the Parisians, the traveler down under would today have to contend with Euro-angst and all those rich creamy sauces, ones so un-conducive to honing the manly virtues.

Fortunately, it’s Captain James Cook who goes down in history as the founder of Australia. In his youth, young James distinguished himself as an able and manly seaman, in peace and in war. He was a tarpaulin, an officer who rose in rank not as a result of his birth, but through hard work and heroic action. That was apparently no easy chore in the class-obsessed Britain of his day. But it was his voyages around the world beginning in 1768 that make Cook’s name so important in the history of exploration, and especially important in the history of Australia.

On his first voyage commanding the H. M. Bark Endeavor for the Royal Society, our good Captain (really a Lieutenant at the time) first visited Tahiti and New Zealand. He then sailed up the entire eastern coast of Terra Australis, the Southern Land. On that voyage he managed to navigate the treacherous Great Barrier Reef; and before leaving for home, he took possession of that far-off land for King and Empire. The reader must admit that aristocracies, though not terribly just, did have about them a sense of manly adventure; and that’s especially so for those of us living a few hundred years down the road.

For the time being then, the story of Australia begins on 29 April 1770, when Captain Cook first set foot on Australian soil at what was later named Botany Bay for its interesting array of plant-life. Such a strange and beautiful world must have captivated the Captain and his crew over the next eight days. Everywhere were towering eucalyptuses, over five hundred varieties, a far cry from the green English countryside of home. And the animals were far different from any that Western man had ever seen before; among them, kangaroos bounding across the Bush, gentle koalas surveying the arrival from their treetop homes, and birds of every color and description.

But there was also one other soul inhabiting the land down under. The Aborigine was similar in kind to Cook himself, though slightly different in appearance and even more so in his ways. Over time, most Europeans began to think of the Aborigine as no better than the other animals. Our good Captain was rather exceptional though, for he viewed the Aborigine more in the light of the noble savage. In reality they are far more happier than we European; being wholly unacquainted with not only the superfluous but the necessary Conveniences so much sought after in Europe…the Earth and sea of their own accord furnishes them with all things necessary for life. It’s rather a shame for the noble savage that more Europeans didn’t think more like our noble Captain.

So only the Western story of Australia begins at Botany Bay. For long before the European arrived, the native Australian lived down under, and he’d done so for close to fifty thousand years. James Cook no more discovered the land down under than Christopher Columbus did America, though both were the first significant Western explorers of those two great lands. But the Aborigine is another significant character in the story of Australia, though like the Native American, his is a tragic chapter. Since the traveler down under usually doesn’t meet up with Aboriginal folks until venturing into the north of Australia, I’ll wait until entering upon my modern exploration of the Back o’ Beyond to tell their story.

A Most Manly Doctor

The Kingsford Smith International Airport lies along Botany Bay today, and a first night’s accommodations in Sydney are easily arranged through tourist information at the airport. The many knowledgeable folks scattered throughout the terminals offer the wayward swagman the security of a room for the night, and generally at a reduced rate. But for those travelers of a more fastidious nature, ones who prefer to have every moment of life conscientiously and compulsively mapped out, more precise wisdom is of course available in any standard guidebook. Shortly though, I’ll explain how to best arrange accommodations down under…and in a way that helps properly hone the manly virtues.

While at the airport information desk, I picked up a complimentary copy of the Sydney Visitors Guide, a very reliable source when it comes to getting Sydney wired. That helpful pamphlet lists information about various tourist destinations, tours in and out of the city, where to stuff the innards and quench the thirst, and the location of beaches and sporting facilities. In addition, it also includes a number of very useful city maps, as well as a phone directory of local businesses that the casual explorer might find of interest.

After a night of much-needed rest, I woke up and determined that the first order of business was to locate the very spot where Captain James Cook first set foot in Australia. After garnering a few suggestions from a few locals on where to look for that historic spot, I made my way south on the Princes Highway (1) and across the Captain Cook Bridge, a manfully named bridge indeed. That bridge crosses the Georges River, a fine waterway that offers many pleasant bays and inlets. On the south side of the bridge is Captain Cook Drive, also manfully named; and if the modern explorer then heads east across the Kurnell Peninsula, Botany Bay National Park eventually makes its presence known.

Just inside the park entrance is the Discovery Centre. There the wandering swagman can enjoy a fine model of the Endeavor, an equally fine portrait of Captain Cook landing at Botany Bay, and a list and description of the ship’s crew. As it turns out, Captain Cook wasn’t the only luminary to make that legendary voyage. The naturalist Joseph Banks went along to collect and study the plant-life. Dr. Daniel Carl Solander signed on to collect and study the animal-life. And Sydney Parkinson shipped aboard to create magnificent drawings of all the new and wondrous things.

A path from the Discovery Centre winds down to the shores of Botany Bay and to the site of Captain Cook’s Landing Place. Cook’s Obelisk marks the site of his landing spot and it contains a memorable quote from Cook’s diary of 28 April. At daybreak we discovered a bay, and anchored under the south shore, about two miles within the entrance, in six fathom water, the south point bearing S.E., and the north point East. Latitude 345° S. Longitude 208°37’ W.

The actual spot where Cook first stepped ashore sits in front of the obelisk; and as a modern explorer, all I had to do to recreate that defining moment in Australian history was remove my thongs. But after stepping onto Landing Rock and enjoying the exhilaration that goes along with manful discovery, I noticed a small group of folks standing on the shore. After wading in to the beach, I found out that they were a group of university students on a lecture tour.

The leader of the group was a most impressive figure of a man and I quickly found myself listening in on what sounded like the end of his talk. He was explaining to his students the significance of what had occurred along Botany Bay so many years before, with words that struck me as being extremely insightful, as well as quite manly. Since the reader might benefit from this important man’s thoughts, I’ll relay them here as near to the original as memory allows.

And so Captain James Cook was a man of singular merit, manly temperament and a lover of good red meat. It’s recorded in the journals of this famed explorer that members of his crew willingly gave up the eating of fruits and vegetables of any kind for years at a time just to serve manfully under him. The diet of his charges was one devoted to honing the manly virtues through the consumption of good red meat. In this way, history was made and a new nation founded.

After the talk ended, I approached the man who’d spoken such manful words. He turned out to be the controversial Psycho-Nutritionist Dr. Morris A. Nussbaum, one of the greatest minds of the 21st century. or any other century for that matter. He immediately invited me to join him at a local pub in Brighton Le Sand, the town located at the far end of Botany Bay. All of the bay can be enjoyed from the beach at Brighton; the south shore trails past Captain Cook’s Landing Place to the headlands of South Botany Bay National Park and the north shore trails past Kingsford Smith International Airport to the headlands of North Botany Bay National Park.

For those readers not acquainted with the good Doctor and his important work, I’ll relay a few bits of biographical information from his most recent book. After ten years as an undergraduate, Morris A. Nussbaum received his bachelor’s degree in Beerosophy, graduating magna cum lager. He then entered into graduate work in the burgeoning field of Psycho-Nutrition at the University of California. He was awarded a doctorate in 1985 after completing his groundbreaking dissertation, The Benefits of Bacon. Dr. Nussbaum was then invited to stay on as a post-graduate researcher.

The controversy that surrounds the good Doctor’s work began shortly after the publication of his first book, The Importance of Pork, a critically acclaimed bestseller. But with fame came the accusations and the innuendo concerning his views on the deleterious effects of the over-consumption of vegetables on male vitality, and on the shocking lack of good red meat in the diet of the suburban American male. The demonstrations finally became so unsettling that the good Doctor was forced by feminists, vegetarians and French majors to give up his position at the University in the late 1980’s. Dr. Nussbaum eventually settled in Manly, a beach community located across the harbor from Sydney City Centre. He became Director Emeritus of the Institute of Manlyness in 1993, though unfortunately, controversy still stalked the good Doctor at every turn. This has been especially so since the publication in 1998 of his most recent book, The End of Meat.

After settling in with a brew at the pub, Dr. Nussbaum spoke to me of his latest book for the remainder of the afternoon. The good Doctor informed me of a conspiracy that has been afoot for several decades; one so evil and insidious that it poses a threat to everything that the American or Australian male holds dear. That of course is good grub, and lots of it. Suffice it to say, this seminal book comes highly recommended for anyone concerned with the culinary issues facing modern society and the threat those problems pose to the suburban male. So in the interests of truth, I’ll devote a good deal of space in this journal to the Doctor’s most recent book. To aid in this worthwhile endeavor, Dr. Nussbaum has given me permission to list the chapter headings of The End of Meat in the hope of encouraging the reader to seek out the facts on certain manly matters.

Chapter 1: The Collapse of Social Order within Progressively Vegetarian Societies Chapter 2: Characteristics of Post-Manly Man Chapter 3: Designated Yuppie Food

Chapter 4: Plant Consumption and the Breakdown of the Suburban Family

Chapter 5: Prevalence of the Manlymand Syndrome in the Suburban Australian Male Chapter 6: Australian Solution to the Sperm Count Problem

Chapter 7: Feeding Behavior of Primitive Manly Man

Chapter 8: The Four Manly Food Groups

Chapter 9: The Four Body Types

Chapter 10: Manlyness Workshops

Appendix: Manlyness Quotient Test

A Few Aussie Misnomers

While exploring Botany Bay, it soon became evident that life in Australia is organized a bit differently from back home. In most respects these differences come as a blessing and offer many pleasant diversions. But a few aspects are annoying and may cause the modern explorer to hone more fully his manly virtues. Of course this is a good thing, at least in the long run. So to better prepare for some of the contrary ways of the folks down under, I’ll mention just a few of those Aussie misnomers for the benefit of the prospective swagman.

The first annoyance to beset the traveler is that the Aussies think they’re ahead of the Yanks, to the tune of a full day. Reliable sources report that the Australians have drawn a line from the North Pole all the way across the Pacific to the South Pole, though how this feat was accomplished is not generally known. As the American traveler crosses that line, he gains a day and feels all the worse for it, aging being difficult at the best of times. Of course those same reliable sources contend that this questionable advance in the day corrects itself on returning home, though that seems highly unlikely. The reader is reminded that reliable sources aren’t always reliable…or generally sober.

Now I don’t normally like to complain about such things, but as concerns the climate in Australia, temperatures are all measured wrong down under. And I might add that it isn’t just the temperatures that are calculated incorrectly, but just about everything else that needs measuring. To prove my point, let me relate a little episode to the reader. On my first morning in Sydney, a local weather reporter dutifully informed me that the outside air temperature was 25°; so I promptly put on two sweaters and a winter’s coat. But on going outside, I realized that the reporter was either mighty confused or a natural born liar. It turned out to be a damn hot day and I was sweating like a joey down his mama’s pouch. So I promptly took off the two sweaters and the winter’s coat, but didn’t forget the incident. Of course as it turned out, that wasn’t the only time the Aussies misinformed me about the weather, it happened over and over again.

And the audacity of the Aussies even goes so far as to publish meteorological charts with mostly erroneous information, all for the express purpose of misleading the American traveler down under. Fortunately, my wealth of experience can offer the prospective swagman a more instructive method of ascertaining the correct temperature when in Australia. Never mind all that college-boy stuff, just double the incorrect Aussie temperature and add 30°. That’ll be close enough to the American, or should I say the correct temperature.

But just in case my little excursion into higher mathematics was far too confusing, throughout this journal I’ve tossed in a few tables that list the climate of major Australian destinations. Each table offers a monthly breakdown of the maximum air temperature, minimum air temperature, amount of rainfall and the number of raindays. The figures in these tables are not only in units that an American can make sense of, namely the Fahrenheit ones, but also in units that everyone else in the world can make sense of, namely the Centigrade ones.

All the metric data in the climate tables are from The Australian Motoring Companion, as excellent a motoring companion as one could ever hope to come across. That guide also includes an extensive road atlas, touring information, descriptions of National Parks and Reserves, reports on Australian flora and fauna, motoring tips for on and off the road, traffic accident advice, and even first aid information. Unfortunately though, that last section omits only one important detail, how to successfully get rid of the aftereffects of a night in the Aussie pub.

While still on the subject of tables, when traveling long distances in Australia there’s no better companion than a good chart of numbers. A fine table not only has the power to mesmerize, but is an ideal sleep-inducing agent. In addition, if a list of numbers also offers a false sense

of understanding and becomes a ready source when pontificating, then all the better. So for all those reasons, I’ve included a number of tables in this journal. Then again, it’s probably wise to also consider Mark Twain’s thoughts on this matter. "Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

Also included in this journal are a number of maps of Australia. I feel honor-bound to offer the reader some maps for no other reason than that every travel book needs some. The modern explorer looks forward to seeing a map or two, and he’s not wrong to do so. However, the reader should be aware that many of the charts contained here are not the sorts of maps to be had at a local cartography shop, but ones that were carefully created to bring out the more manful qualities inherent in a manly adventure in the land down under. Of course if the traveler requires maps of a more common nature, any bookshop, travel agent or motoring association in Australia has those less than manful particulars.

And one final word concerning the weather in Australia. It’s no use arguing with the Aussies over their little temperature game, for it’ll serve no purpose and may result in violence. Simply keep in mind that America leads the way, actually is the only country not using the metric system to measure temperatures, distances and weights. Naturally, that shouldn’t trouble an American one iota, but make him even more proud to be an American. For as US politicians are always telling everyone, America is the greatest country on Earth, so it must be the greatest nation when it comes to measuring. Everyone else must be figuring things out all wrong.

Before leaving the topic of Aussie misnomers, there’s another problem I ran into early on, that being the inability of the folks down under to correctly identify the date. These seemingly intelligent people inadvertently list the day of the month first, then the month of the year and then of course the year. Now any half-wit knows that 7/4/97 is a day in July, and a most festive one at that. But the folks down under see that array of numbers and think it’s just another day in April. On a positive note though, the Aussies do seem to get the day of the week right, though why they don’t also muck that up is unknown to me.

That misnomer about the date may also explain why the Australians organize their seasons backwards. They’re of the opinion that New Years Eve is celebrated during the summer and that the entire month of July belongs to the winter. But as with the temperature and the date, it doesn’t do much good telling them otherwise. All my efforts to correct those quite obvious errors were generally met with only scorn and derision; and after many unsuccessful attempts, I finally gave up in my efforts to educate those usually open-minded folks. On second thought, I suppose that when it comes to getting things backwards it probably doesn’t really matter, unless of course it involves putting on a pair of pants. Then it does matter, especially during a long session in the Aussie pub.

Where Sin and Wickedness Abound

Sydney Harbour

It’s not Botany Bay where all the action is centered along this stretch of coast today, but around Sydney Harbour. Sydney is a bustling city of close to four million folks, which accounts for around 20% of Australia’s population. She’s also the oldest and largest city in Australia, with a history rich in manly adventure. And the days are pleasant all year round in Sydney, for the ocean breezes see that she’s never too cold or too hot. But if you don’t believe me, check out her lovely weather for yourself.

Old Sydney TownThen again, Sydney hasn’t always been such a pleasant place to visit. The location became the site of the first penal colony in Australia in 1788, though it wasn’t the first such settlement set up by the British. For many years, the American colonies were the port of choice for those unfortunate enough to question the pecuniary or political arrangements of their times. But during the American Revolution, the jails in Britain became overcrowded with those waiting for their state-imposed holiday. And given the Yanks rather hostile opinion of King George and his Merry Men, Australia soon became the new home for convicts and political prisoners.

The man chosen for the rather unrewarding task of deporting those mates prone to errant behavior was Captain Arthur Philip, commander of the First Fleet. History records that it was Lord Sydney who authorized the sailing of the First Fleet, which consisted of nine ships with fourteen hundred men and women, a little over half of them convicts. That voyage took eight months and crossed fifteen thousand miles of ocean, on a manful journey from Portsmouth, to Tenerife, to Rio, to Cape Town, and finally to Botany Bay.

But after discovering the entrance to Port Jackson, more commonly known as Sydney Harbour, Captain Philip relocated the original settlement in Botany Bay to the new and safer anchorage at Sydney Cove. The Captain’s first impressions of the new port are dated 15 May 1788. We got into Port Jackson early in the afternoon, and had the satisfaction of finding the finest harbour in the world, in which a thousand sail of the line may ride in the most perfect security.

The British of the 18th century, being an industrious and vindictive lot, soon turned the port into a thriving penal colony for those folks forcibly sent over from the mother country. At first thought, that may sound like a manly adventure, but it wasn’t by any stretch of the romantic imagination. Historical records report that the voyage over was often fraught with overcrowded conditions, bad weather and the dreaded scurvy, a horrible disease that’s only slightly less punishing than a university education.

After their arrival, the convicts were employed on public works projects or as domestic servants to the officers in charge. It was a difficult life in harsh and unrelenting conditions, with the land poor, rough and unforgiving. Then again, anyone who’s endured a cold and blustery winter in London might just see a convict’s life as the better of two evils. Fortunately for later deportees, the British government eventually learned from its initial mistakes in how not to treat folks. So from the early 19th century, the care and treatment of those sentenced to life down under greatly improved, though life in colonial Australia was never a holiday.

For those with a greater interest, the best known novel of colonial life is For the Term of His Natural Life, by Marcus Clarke. But for an in-depth historical look at those early days down under, The Fatal Shore: The epic of Australia’s founding, by Robert Hughes, is recommended to the reader. And though it’s five hundred pages may prove too daunting a project for one of a manful temperament, reading a few selections from the book should convince the modern explorer of the advantages of being a modern explorer. Just between you and me reader, I’m forever relieved that the grueling task of challenging rugged lands and forging new nations has always been accomplished prior to my arrival in them. A manly admission, probably not; but a realistic one, most definitely.

The number of prisoners sent to Australia remained quite small during the first thirty years after 1788. But near the end of the war against Napoleon, there was a dramatic increase of deportees, mostly as a result of the lack of employment opportunities in the peacetime British job market. The early 1820’s saw the body count escalate dramatically, only to peak during the late 1830’s. And to accommodate the growing number of prisoners, the British established penal settlements throughout Australia, some of which were designated for only the most-hardened of criminals. I had the opportunity to visit one such site on my journey, though fortunately not as a permanent resident.

But though life was harsh and unrelenting, the land down under did hone a strong and independent people. And the pioneer spirit of those early Australians, or any pioneers for that matter, is best preserved in their folk melodies. For in song, the vagaries of life are voiced and danced to in the hope of forgetting, if only momentarily, the hardships of yesterday and today, and the ones surely to arrive tomorrow. Here’s a tune called Botany Bay, with lyrics by Stephens and Yardley stemming from the 1880’s. I think the reader will agree that the words carry the anguish of the early convicts to the fatal shore down under.

Chorus

Singing Tooral