Angels and Lamb Chops: A Spiritual Journey

Angels and Lamb Chops

A Spiritual Journey

Rev. Vicki Marriner

Copyright © 2006, 2011 Vicki Marriner.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-0212-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-0213-7 (e)

Printed in the United States of America

Balboa Press rev. date: 07/15/2011

Contents

Acknowledgments

DEDICATION

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Acknowledgments

May all who read these words know they come straight from the heart and have been written for the love of the family of man and the continued existence of the human soul. To my family on earth, you are my reason for being and have helped me to have the courage and belief in self to write these words. Loving you all has been part of my journey to learn to love and trust self, to listen and trust in the gift that Spirit has blessed me with to share with whoever wishes to share. I am, and always will be, a child of the Light, serving Spirit in love of that Light, with pride, humility, and unconditional love.

There are too many people to thank, but you know who you are, my dear ones. However, I must thank my dearest friend, Roz King, for without her gift, this book would not have been published. Thanks don’t seem enough, but she told me that our friendship means there are no thanks needed.

DEDICATION

To my dearest daughter Mandy Kathleen, son-in-law Justin, grandson Lochlan, and granddaughter Hayley: you are all the reasons for the joy in my life. Mandy, I especially thank you for choosing me as your mother and for the things we have learnt from each other. Our journeys thus far have taught us both many lessons; may we continue to grow and pass on our knowledge and learning to your children and then their children. To my mother Kathleen, thank you for being you; I have learnt much. To you all, my love always, Vicki.

These words and thoughts have taken me many years to put to paper. They are a culmination of my life’s journey, documenting how my spirituality saved me from my own self-destruction and fear. Yes, you have probably heard this before, as most of us in our lives have suffered pain and turmoil; but to also find love of oneself is so gratifying. This is why I have written down my journey.

As they say in the classics, some of the names and places have been changed, and I’ve used poetic license with some of the details, but this is a true and accurate journey thus far for me. I hope in the reading of these thoughts you find your peace and enlightenment as I have.

ANGELS AND LAMB CHOPS: A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

Chapter 1

Oh, the pain, the pain! They promised me this wouldn’t happen again! My knees are buckling from under me! I must get to the phone, yet it seems so far away. As the pain grips me again, it goes down my back and legs. Why does this always happen to me? I’ve done everything the doctor has told me; only mild exercise and rest. I’ve so rested that I’ve stacked on so much weight. My mind refocuses. Oh no, Scott, you’re going to be fed up with me and so terribly disappointed yet again.

The pain reaches a new height as not only my physical body is hurting but my soul is so sad and frightened again. I dial 000 and the soothing voice on the other end of the phone tells me to breathe deeply, stay calm, and that they will be there as fast as they can. I hang up the phone and get to the front door to unlock it. More pain goes like a fireball through my whole being. I have to get back to the phone. I should have rung Scott before I worried about the door. As I start to dial his number, my knees go from under me.

My next memory was of the ambulance officers carrying me out to the ambulance, and I remembered that I hadn’t contacted Scott. I asked that someone ring him, as he was going to be upset with me. I’m so terribly useless, so useless.

I now fell into a different state, one of induced, medicated oblivion. We headed down the corridor of the hospital, and I could hear all that was going on around me, but I was unable to focus or speak. Nearly there, hold on, love, the ambulance officer encouraged me.

There seems to be some sort of emergency somewhere, and then I feel needles, cords, and leads being placed on my chest. One arm seems to be weightless; I think they have it in some sling-like thing. Goodness knows what they’re doing to me. I just I know I need help. Won’t somebody please help me?

Calm down, Vicki, the charge nurse said. You’re safe. We have you in emergency. We’ve been able to contact Scott, and he’s on his way. He told us to tell you he loves you and always will. You’re a lucky girl to have someone so devoted to you, my dear.

All of a sudden I’m not there; I’m a little girl again with bright red hair and freckles everywhere. Oh, how I hated being a redhead, because they all called me blue—a nickname some bright spark thought up, goodness knows why. Now I’m playing tennis! I so wanted to be a tennis star to make Mum proud of me; I was going to play at Wimbledon. I’m hitting the ball really well … little girls and their silly dreams. I’m feeling very safe; there’s this brilliant, white light and it is growing all around me.

I feel as though I’m looking down at everyone; it’s a lovely feeling. I’m not frightened at all; it’s the most peaceful I’ve felt in years. My whole being wants to stop my earthly battles and just go to this peaceful light. I don’t want to be a burden anymore to those I love. I’ll be free. They won’t have to worry about me anymore.

From the moment I was born, I’d been ill with this or that, and if anything was going around I’d be the first to catch it, my mum always told me. So right from the beginning I’d been a nuisance. The light felt so tranquil.

There was this beautiful—no, it couldn’t be, but it was—angel, and she was coming to me through the veil of light. My dear child, it is not your turn to join us yet, she told me. You have many more things to do, my child! Vicki, look how sad they would be without you; your Scott would not cope. At that moment I knew I had to go back. Why, at that time, I didn’t know.

I heard a strange voice in my ear and felt the coolness of a wet cloth on my forehead. Come on, Vicki, wake up. That’s a good girl. As my eyes began to respond to her voice, I heard a deep sigh of relief coming from the voice that was so close to me. Thank goodness, we thought we had lost you there, my girl. You gave us all a scare.

Apparently, I’d gone into shock and my body had closed down, then my heart. I was far too groggy to know what had happened to me at that time.

Then the news I’d dreaded filled my every cell. We are so sorry, Vicki, but we must take you down to the operating theatre. Doctor is there waiting for you. As she patted my hand, I was wheeled down a different corridor to yet another operation. Every fiber of my being was screaming, please don’t do this to me. Not again! Tears began to flow from me like a river. I couldn’t put my Scott through all this again.

Nurse, nurse, ring Scott, I screamed. Tell him not to bother coming. He doesn’t deserve this. Just tell him to forget me and move on.

Now stop that right now, young lady. The nurse scolded me as if I were a child.

How dare she! She had no idea of what we’d been through, what it had been like for us these past seven years, watching our so-called friends avoid me when I was downtown and feeling the friendships slowly fall away. We used to be so popular, but now we got invited nowhere. There was no point; Vicki would be sick.

What made it worse was that my darling Scott also had been cut off from his friends. No more footy days with the boys, or barbeques after the cricket. He never once complained; just became very skilled at repairing things around the house.

Yes, at that moment, I was feeling very sorry for myself. I admit it. But geez, who did that nurse think she was? (I realize now that she was only trying to help me, and I send her love every time I think of how rude I was to her that day.)

We entered the operating theatre, and my doctor smiled at me with a reassuring look in his eyes. I felt that, even though he didn’t speak at that moment, he was trying to calm me for what was ahead.

Vicki, we have been closely monitoring everything, and I’m afraid to say, my dear, that we must go ahead, for it is the only way that we can see that we can save you. I shall try with all the experience I have to give you a successful outcome.

The anesthetist walked over to me and proceeded to prepare me for the long procedure ahead.

My mind is racing a million miles a second. I remember telling the nurse that I didn’t want Scott to come to the hospital. Oh, but I do love him with all my heart. I hope to God she didn’t listen to my ramblings.

Scott came into my life just before I turned twenty-one. I’d had so many personal problems and health scares over the years, I believed I’d never find lasting love. Yet the moment he set eyes on me, it was as though we were one.

I remember his mates used to tease him about me.

Stop thinking about that woman of yours, mate, and do some work, they’d tell him, and he always laughed because he’d take me to the pub with him on Friday nights. That was always strictly a boys-only night. But Scott would just smile and say, "Where I go, Vicki comes. All right fellas?

Now who’s first buy at the bar?"

I was always happy to sit there and talk to the girls serving the drinks; we’d catch up on all the weekly gossip whilst the boys played pool or darts. Scott would come up to the bar when it was his shout (or buy) and always ask me, How you doing, sweetie?

He’d give the most wonderful smile and either touch my arm or squeeze my shoulder, and it would melt my heart. I loved him so very much, and I knew he felt the same. He had always cared for my through the good and the bad times, but now, once again, I felt I had let him down. Here I was again in surgery. As they gave me the injection, I drifted off into an induced sleep.

Now I’m solely in the hands of Spirit and my doctor. I’m feeling very strange. It’s as though I’m in the operating room and yet it’s like a dream. I’m there, but I’m above myself looking down. I try to open my eyes, and all I see is balloons dancing in front of my eyes. And I smell flowers, such beautiful perfumes flowing into my nostrils. I’m here, but I’m floating. I’m back down again. I’m in a room now, not sure why yet. I notice the gifts now, and I feel despair run through me. I’m in the hospital again, I remember … that will be right. Everyone is sending me get-well wishes again, but no one ever comes to see me. I try to move, but the pain is severe. It’s a different sensation from what I had before the operation. Operation? What operation? What happened to me? What am I doing here? I press frantically for the nurse. She enters my room with a big, cheery smile.

Hello, Vicki. Good to see you’re back with us. I checked on you a few minutes ago, and you were sleeping soundly.

I feel like shouting at the silly woman. Doesn’t she know what has happened to me? Hasn’t she read her notes, for goodness sake? Can’t she tell that my whole world has just fallen apart? I have heard of good bedside manner, but this is insensitive, uncaring. I’m going to remember her name and tell my doctor. I don’t suppose she knows that this will have to be it with me and Scott now. I can’t be a burden to him any longer. I must set him free.

Vicki, my love, calm down, the nurse told me.

Scott is in the hallway waiting to see you. I hadn’t realized I’d actually verbalized my thoughts, as I was still heavily sedated. I felt so embarrassed, and tears welled. Ashamed of myself, I pleaded with my eyes for her to forgive me. Again, there was that smile, the knowing smile of our professional nurses who put