Keeping Secrets

missing image file Keeping Secrets missing image file

June Kelley Pierce

iUniverse, Inc.

Bloomington

Copyright © 2011 June Kelley Pierce

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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ISBN: 978-1-4620-1295-4 (pbk)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-1296-1 (cloth)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-1297-8 (ebk)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011906630

Printed in the United States of America

iUniverse rev. date: 4/21/2011

Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

PROLOGUE

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Epilogue

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I gratefully acknowledge Jeanine Agnolet-Rado: with heartfelt thanks to my editor and friend for helping me get this book off the ground.

An enormous thank-you to a wonderful team of friends: Rheam Deans, Diane Johnson, Paulette Coley Midlick, and Angela Schneider for their timeless efforts in critiquing this manuscript and their continued encouragement.

And finally, thank you so much Lori Pierce Abendschein for your technical support that finally helped me launch this manuscript.

This book is dedicated to Carol Paris Steffens, who rescued me from drowning, and to my loving friends who kept me afloat.

To Jade, whose trust, love, and friendship prompted me to write this book.

PROLOGUE

So much time has passed … so many years unraveling. How did that happen when I had them so neatly tucked on the shelves, far back in the dark crevices where they belong? I lay on my crisp white pillow surrounded by lovely things that make me feel that memories can be replaced and even erased, but I know now it’s not so. The dream would come and stay for a while and leave for days, weeks, and maybe even years, but they would come again, those little girls in their torn white organdy dresses … just when I had my hand on the edge of peace.

I couldn’t see their faces, but their fear was so intense I could feel my own heart racing. Desperately running, dodging, hiding, but the dark shadows couldn’t be shaken free. There was a strong smell of musk and sweat, and I could see their small chests heaving and feel their lack of breath. Somewhere in the distance was an anguished, mournful cry as the darkness closed in on them, and their hands tightly clasped, broke free and finally, a strangled whisper, Jade, don’t leave.

Do not look at us and cry …

Do not whisper; do not sigh.

For we will make it,

you and I.

Across barriers and boundaries

meant to hold us in,

against all the years

of heartless sin.

We will, I swear,

we will win!

Chapter 1

AS FAR BACK as I can remember, Jade and I were best friends. We kept each other’s secrets, but some secrets are not meant for keeping.

Daddy came home from the Korean War in 1953. Mama and I were so excited; we could hardly stand it as we watched Daddy’s plane land. We were going to be a real family now! Mama rocked my little brother, Jason, in her arms and held my hand, squeezing it tightly. I looked up at Mama, and I couldn’t help but smile; I’d never seen her so happy. Daddy was my hero, and he was coming home at last. I thought he must be the handsomest man I’d ever seen as his blond curls spilled from under his sailor hat. Mama and I nearly ran when we saw him climb down from the plane. Everything was going to be perfect now that he was home.

Daddy picked me up and swung me around and finally put me down, kissing me on the cheek.

You look just like a buttercup with those ribbons, Jenny. Then he turned and kissed Mama and reached for Jason, but Jason clung even closer to Mama, burying his head in the crook of her arm.

Okay, little buddy. Guess we’ll have to get to know each other all over again, Daddy said, laughing as he grabbed Mama’s hand, and they headed toward the car.

This was better than cotton candy! Mama and Daddy—home together! It felt so good I thought I might burst from happiness! Mama opened the door on the driver’s side to get in when Daddy stopped talking and grabbed her arm. His smile had faded in an instant.

Millie. I’m home … I’ll take the wheel, if it’s okay with you.

S-ure … Frank. But Mama looked embarrassed, and it got very quiet. Mama forced a smile and began asking Daddy about his trip home, and within minutes, they were laughing together again. All of a sudden, Daddy looked out the side window and grew very quiet. I looked up to see his hand hit the dashboard with a bang! Mama jumped, and Jason began to cry.

Millie, I’ve got an idea. Let’s celebrate and go to Wanda’s Bar and Grille for a drink. Before she could answer, Daddy’d already done a U-turn and headed back toward Wanda’s, a mile down the road. Mama pursed her lips and mumbled something under her breath before she finally answered Daddy. Maybe just one, Frank, but Jason needs a nap, and—and besides—it’s no place for the kids in the bar.

Well hell, Millie. The kids’ll be fine in the car, and we’ll get ’em some chips and Cokes. Jason can lay in the backseat and he’ll sleep just fine. Meanwhile, little lady, we can celebrate! he said, excited at the prospect of his solution.

Mama sighed and looked at me, and I was sure she was feeling the same disappointment. We had balloons and a cake at home, but I guess Daddy really wanted a beer.

"One beer, Frank, to celebrate your homecoming—but just one. Something tells me this is a far cry from what I should be doing, Mama thought and hesitated, looking Daddy square in the eyes.

Jesus, Millie. Come on! I came home like you wanted. Can’t you have a little drink with me? he pleaded.

Only one; I mean it, Frank. One!

Jenny, I’m just gonna have a few beers, and I’ll be right back out here before you know it. Your mama’s right. It’s no place for kids in there, so you stay in the car for a little bit and we’ll be back before you know it.

Yeah, okay. I nodded, trying to hide my disappointment. I scootched against the backseat while Jason curled up in my lap. My smile had disappeared as I thought about the chocolate cake with butter-cream frosting Mama and I had made—Daddy’s favorite. Mama tapped on the window, and I rolled it down as she handed me a Coke and chips. Jason was already fast asleep.

I’ll be right out, Jenny, so let him sleep, she said, and then turned and headed back into Wanda’s.

After what seemed like a long time, Jason woke up crying, and I had to pee really bad. I flung open the car door and carried him into the bar. Jason was only a year old, but he was big, and he kicked and screamed all the way in. I could hardly hold him. He wanted Mama, and he held his arms out for her when he saw her.

Mama was standing, and her face was bright red as she tried to tug and coax Daddy off the barstool. She grabbed Jason out of my arms, and her soft coaxing changed to a final ultimatum.

Frank, if you don’t come home with us right now, you can get home on your own. I said one beer; you had six! So much for promises! These kids need to be home, for God’s sake!

Daddy’s head dropped, and he slid off the barstool, nearly toppling over. Coming out of the bathroom, I watched him stagger behind her toward the door.

Okay, okay, he said, slurring his words and waving to his bar mates. You can see how henpecked I am, b-but, Henry, I’ll be back, he said as he turned around and yelled back, Lola, darlin’, a little something for you, and he pulled out some bills and slapped a twenty on the bar and winked at her.

In the split second that she smiled back at him, Mama circled around and snatched the bill. Sorry … grocery money. Maybe next time, Mama said, smirking. Lola’s smile disappeared as quickly as it had come.

Daddy was oblivious and staggered to the driver’s side and got in. Mama protested, but he insisted on driving and nearly went off the road, weaving all the way home.

It seemed Daddy was at Wanda’s a lot. Mama and Daddy were fighting all the time and sometimes it got so bad that I’d press my hands against my ears and shut my eyes as tight as I could to try to drown them out. I would pray to God for things to change. I thought that if I prayed hard enough, Daddy would keep his promises, and we would all be happy.

I wonder if Mama ever told Daddy what she wanted to do. Maybe she never got a chance because he was always too busy telling her what he wanted.

I want to sink my teeth into something I love for a change. And he had this serious look on his face like he wanted to cry or something. Mama sighed, and I knew she was being worn down with all the fighting and complaining. If he wasn’t complaining about our matchbox house, it would have been about Mama’s nagging and not giving him his way.

How the hell can you stand it here? It’s like everything is closing in on us. We need a place where we can spread out with a few acres—maybe a nice little farm—not some rental that squeezes the breath outta you.

I watched Mama from the doorway as she sat at the kitchen table, her head in her hands, and she said, I can’t fight you on this any more, Frank. We can look, she said, exasperated.

Daddy had won. The very next day, the fighting ended and Daddy stayed home, combing the paper for a job and looking at the property ads. Mama wasn’t happy, but she was trying. Daddy was full of plans that all sounded good, but all Mama could say was, We’ll see, Frank. We can take a look.

And so, in less than a month, Daddy had found what he was looking for, a farm selling cheap. He showed Mama the ad and was so excited. She continued to fold laundry and never once looked up.

We can go and see it, but that doesn’t mean we’re buying it. she said firmly. She didn’t utter a word, and I couldn’t understand why.

Daddy was happier than I had ever seen him. He loved that farm from the first minute he stepped out of the car, and so did I, but I didn’t dare say that to Mama. He spent the next week talking it up hoping Mama would agree to give in and move.

Millie, I’m a changed man, can’t you see that? We’re going to do this together. It’ll work—just you wait and see!

I don’t know. It’s a lot of work, Frank, and I watched my parents break their backs on a farm while I was growing up, and they didn’t have two nickels to rub together in the end. And what if you start drinkin’ again? Then I’ve got all the responsibilities!

Here we go again! Maybe you need to change, Millie. You used to like my ideas. I don’t know what the hell happened to you anyway!

I was sixteen, Frank. How could I have known back then all the responsibility you’d dump in my lap while you were cheating on me in the navy? And now you expect me to trust you?

Jesus Christ! Not that again! How many times do I have to apologize? Daddy snarled back. Daddy went to go out the door but turned instead and walked right up to Mama as she got up to get dinner ready. All of a sudden, he grabbed her by her shoulders, spun her around, and held her close. She squirmed to get away, but he only held her tighter. Millie, please … just give this a chance.

Mama looked up at Daddy and buried her face in his chest and wrapped her arms around him. The next thing I knew, we were moving.

Chapter 2

THE BROWN-SHINGLED HOUSE and the old red barn loomed large—not only to me, but I think to Mama too. She sat up straight and stiffened as we pulled into the driveway of our new home.

Lord, Frank, we must be crazy! This place needs so much work! Mama said, wringing her hands and looking at Daddy with pleading eyes.

Give it a try, Millie … come on, Daddy said, smiling.

I could hardly wait to get out of the car I was so excited. I imagined the barn filled with animals of every shape and size.

We had a small amount of furniture, but we made do. Mama did just what she said she’d do and scrubbed the farmhouse from top to bottom. Within a couple of weeks, it looked lovely, like every home Mama ever fixed up.

Daddy worked hard at any odd job he could find, and Mama was busy every second. To our surprise, Daddy was true to his word. He painted and rebuilt the stairway to the upstairs rooms, doing whatever Mama wanted him to do so we’d all be comfortable. He and Mama talked about money all the time, trying to figure out what needed attention first—the house or the barn. Soon, Mama’s spirits began to lift, and she even began to refer to the farm as our home rather than the house.

By summer, Daddy had landed a good job at a local aluminum plant and we had really settled into farm life with enough livestock to keep us all busy. The word responsibility was beginning to have real meaning. No one had time to socialize, but we didn’t complain. Mama and Daddy’s family stopped in from time to time, but soon we would be going to Daddy’s family reunion where I always looked forward to seeing my cousin, Jade. We were the same age and enjoyed each other’s company. She had stayed with us a few times, and I was so pleased when Mama said she could come and stay on some weekends and vacations. I made plans every chance I could after that. She even came for Christmas and Easter break, although Mama declared the house was really not in the best shape to have company and reminded me of my responsibilities. Jade never seemed like company though. She was a kid, and besides, she always helped out. I know Mama loved it when she told her how nice everything was.

If only I could have her over for the whole summer, I thought. I will have to ask Mama and Daddy when they are in a really good mood. I’ll get a lecture, but I know Mama will weaken.

We have to pinch pennies right now, Jenny, so keep that in mind when Jade comes. I can’t be runnin’ here, there and everywhere with you two!

Our farm expanded in Daddy’s hands, and he planned until Mama told him he had to stop because we needed to save and have a little money in the bank. He had sunk all our savings into a new sheep barn and a chicken coop with space overhead for storage. I could see more work ahead.

Jade and I always found time to play and venture out into the fields and woods after our chores were done. All Mama asked was that we finish up and come home for dinner. We found a splendid tree house and ate our way to the top but soon discovered that the green apples were not a good choice on an empty stomach. We learned to be more careful in the days ahead. Jade had become my best friend, and I looked forward to every visit.

I began second grade that year with Mrs. Donohue. I knew I would like her right from the start. She was tall and soft-spoken. I loved to watch her take great strides when she walked. I made a bet with my classmate Teddy Ringer that she could get from the front of the room to the back in three giant steps.

Watch her, Teddy. She’s got the longest legs I’ve ever seen! I boasted as if I knew that for sure.

I lost the bet with Teddy.

She could do it if she wanted to. She’s not feeling like it today, that’s all, I said.

Teddy shook his head from side to side and smiled, but I’d catch him watching her too sometimes, and I knew he thought she might actually do it too.

What I loved best about her though was her soft voice. She never yelled at anyone—not once—and she smiled all day long. When she laughed, she flashed those beautiful, large white teeth, and I couldn’t take my eyes off them!

Even the time when Jimmy Dougan peed his pants so he wouldn’t miss playground time, she just quietly took him to the nurse’s office. No yelling or punishment—nothing! When it was all over, and they returned to the room, she came in and put her finger to her lips, and we knew we were to keep quiet, and we did.

I never told Mama about that. She would’ve handled things differently. Mrs. Donohue didn’t want to hurt Jimmie’s feelings. Mama only talked about right and wrong and the consequences that followed. She never thought about feelings.

A good spanking makes us think twice about how to behave, she’d say. She’d never be Mrs. Donohue, but she was my mama, and I loved her. I loved school, and my report cards showed it. I never missed a day. Mrs. Donohue always commented on how nice Mama did my hair in ringlets with bright satin ribbons. How I cried at the end of the school year, losing Mrs. Donohue and having bald grumpy-looking Mr. Shumpkin.

I am going to miss you and that smile, Jenny, Mrs. Donohue said. Not to mention those lovely starched dresses.

Embarrassed, I knew what she meant. Mama used this new blue starch on our clothes that she found in the store. Since then, my dresses could stand by themselves. They were great for twirling but awful for sitting!

Mama came up to my room one Saturday and saw my many collections of rocks, leaves, and bird feathers clumped under my dresser. My clothes were on the chair, and I was making my bed before heading down to do my chores. Mama was in a snit, and I knew something wasn’t quite right when she walked in.

Jenny, this place looks like a cyclone hit it! What are all those things under the dresser? Straighten this room up before you head outside.

Okay, Mama, I said, not wanting her to see the spiders packed in a jar on the windowsill. I already knew what Mama thought about disorganization and neglect, but I also knew she was terrified of spiders, and that would be it for me. Mama and Daddy thought that laziness and disorganization could send you straight to hell.

One day out of the blue, Daddy purchased a new black and white Zenith TV. This kind of communication was a mystery to me and, given the chance, I might have been glued to the couch in front of it all day. Mama’s work ethic would never have allowed that to happen. Jason and I were able to watch a program at night when our chores and homework were done.

It was spring vacation, and Jade had come to visit. After our chores, we came in for a cold drink, and she stood frozen, mesmerized at the black and white movement she saw from the kitchen doorway. Moving closer, in disbelief, her mouth gaped open and she blurted out, What is it, and how did those people get inside that box?

We all laughed, but it did seem like magic to me as well.

Howdy Doody, Maggie Muggins, and The Lone Ranger were our favorite shows. We felt like lucky kids!

Vacation ended as it always did—too soon. Jade and I said our good-byes and looked forward to the summer together. I knew I would have to work on Mama and Daddy before the O’Shea family reunion, where Daddy’s whole family got together. I’d be on my best behavior, so Mama and Daddy would let Jade come and stay for a while.

A week after Jade left, I had a chance to talk to Mama again about Jade possibly staying for the summer. Mama, you like Jade, right?

Course I do, silly, or I wouldn’t have her stayin’ here. I think I know where this is going, Jenny, but you can save your breath. I’ll have to talk to your father about her coming and staying a few weeks in the summer. I don’t take to your badgering me about it either! I’d like to see Jade out from under that situation at home, too.

What do you mean, Mama, ‘that situation’? I wondered if Mama had read my mind or something.

No more needling me about this. I’ll talk to your father, and I’ll let you know.

I had been doing a lot of thinking about a secret Jade had told me when we were together last time. Keeping it had bothered me, but Jade made me promise. She was afraid her father would find out. My mind slid back easily, remembering …

Jade had come for three days of my Easter vacation, and we picked her up right away because Mama wanted her to be at our house for the Easter egg hunt. She had bought us both pink, frilly Easter dresses and new shoes, those fancy patent-leather kind that shine so much you can almost see your face in them. The only thing Jade brought was her old pajamas in a brown paper sack. I had given them to her last year, and they were worn out and too tight on her.

Mama shook her head when she saw them and was relieved when Daddy asked Jade to go outside for a few minutes, and I saw Mama throw them in the trash. Jenny, see if you can spare a few things for Jade, and don’t mention it to her. She’s hardly got a thing that’s decent, that poor little girl!

Jade had come into the house all smiles, for Daddy had found a pack of Spearmint gum in his car, and she shared it eagerly with me. It was a wonderful day full of laughter and play and roaming in the fields to pick pussy willows for Mama’s table. Soon it was bedtime, and I quickly changed into my pajamas and gave Jade hers like Mama had said.

These are for you, Jade, from Mama and me, I said.

These? Are you sure? she said. Thanks!

We couldn’t stop talking about the reunion that was coming up. We were laughing about old Aunt Clara, who always snorts when she laughs, and suddenly Jade pulled off her shirt, and I gasped! We both stopped laughing, and Jade realized I was staring at her arms. They were covered with bruises.

What happened to you? I choked out the words.

Jade brought her clothes tightly to her chest and sat down on the floor. Her lips quivered as started to cry.

Jade … what happened? I won’t tell, I promise! I told her, patting her back the way Mama always did when I got hurt. I helped her on with her nightgown, and still sobbing, she climbed into bed next to me. We lay there silent, both wiping away tears. I finally got up the nerve to ask again.

Finally, she sat up and said, You’ve got to promise, Jenny … please?

I promise, I won’t tell anyone, I said, afraid of what I was going to hear.

Jade wiped her eyes and began. I watched and listened nervously. We were just sitting down to dinner, and I saw Mama pouring out a little milk in each glass. That’s when my brother Jeffrey started wiggling in his seat. I wanted to stop him, so Daddy wouldn’t get mad. I hit the table with my arm, and the milk spilt everywhere. There was none left for the baby.

Oh no! I said, dreading what was to come.

Daddy grabbed me and threw me on the couch and said I couldn’t have dinner ’cause I was too clumsy, Jade told me with tears in her eyes.

Do they hurt? I said, as I looked at the bruises lined up and down her thin arms. I hated Uncle Jim