The Torah: The Director’S Cut

© 2011 R.E. Dinlocker. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 7/25/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4567-5599-7 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-5598-0 (sc)

Printed in the United States of America

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Lady Claire Gurney, How do you know you’re God?

Jack Gurney, "Simple. When I pray to Him,

I find I am talking to myself."

— Peter Barnes, The Ruling Class

For

My wife Elizabeth…nu?

Special thanks to:

Elizabeth Dinlocker & Vickie Hyman for their editing,

Itzhak Perlman, Gioria Feldman and the Klezmorim

for the atmosphere they provided,

and

Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner

for their inspiration

Contents

Book I Genesis

Chapter 1: You Call This A Beginning?

Chapter 2: So Begin Already

Chapter 3: TGI . . ?

Chapter 4: No Trip To The Garden

Chapter 5: It Shouldn’t Happen To A Snake

Chapter 6: Cain And Abel And The Rest Of The Fellahs

Chapter 7: Water, Water, Everywhere

Chapter 8: All Ashore That’s Going…Well…Anywhere

Chapter 9: Please Don’t Talk About Me When I’m God

Chapter 10: Babble On

Chapter 11: And Then I Wrote

Chapter 12: Mysterious Ways

Chapter 13: There Will Be Blood

Chapter 14: A Tale Of Two Cities

Chapter 15: Take My Daughters…Please

Chapter 16: Abraham & Sons

Chapter 17: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Chapter 18: The Son Also Rises

Chapter 19: Jacob’s Lather

Chapter 20: Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Ego

Chapter 21: A Bird In The Hand Is Next To Godliness

Chapter 22: Will You Love Me Tamar

Chapter 23: Joseph The Amazing Technicolor Gonif

Chapter 24: Family Feud

Chapter 25: God In The Machinery

Book II Exodus

Chapter 1: Jews Ex Machina

Chapter 2: Two In The Bush

Chapter 3: Law & Order

Chapter 4: The Last Straw

Chapter 5: Plaguerism

Chapter 6: The Plague’s The Thing

Chapter 7: The Chosen’s Just Desert

Chapter 8: Sea Shanty

Chapter 9: Tsuris in Sinai

Chapter 10: Go Tell It On The Mountain, Already

Chapter 11: Aye, There’s The Rub

Chapter 12: Wear It In Good Health

Chapter 13: Along Came Murray

Chapter 14: This Old Tabernacle

Chapter 15: Please Don’t Pray Without Me When I’m Gone

Chapter 16: Jews Gone Wild

Chapter 17: There Are Commandments And Commandments

Book III Leviticus

Chapter 1: An Offering You Shouldn’t Refuse

Chapter 2: The Gold, The Bad, And The Guilty

Chapter 3: Rules For The Rulers And The Ruled

Chapter 4: You Can’t Always Eat What You Want

Chapter 5: Cleanliness Is Next To Impossible

Chapter 6: Out, Out, Damned Spot

Chapter 7: Giving The Bird

Chapter 8: The Schnecken And The Shtick

Chapter 9: Sex, Lying And Relativity

Chapter 10: Laws, Outlaws And In-Laws

Chapter 11: To Do Or Not To Do—This Is A Question?

Chapter 12: Practice What You Preach

Chapter 13: Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

Chapter 14: Jewing The Right Thing

Book IV Numbers

Chapter 1: Doing A Number

Chapter 2: The Book Of Jobs

Chapter 3: A Road Traveled Enough Already

Chapter 4: The Schnecken And The Shtick…Again?

Chapter 5: Mother Of Mercy, Was This The End Of Rico?

Chapter 6: Aaron Has A Cow

Chapter 7: Travels With Eleazar

Chapter 8: Balaam, Balak And Fruitcake

Chapter 9: Census, Offerings And Fun

Chapter 10: War And Peace

Book V Deuteronomy

Chapter 1: Duderonomy

Chapter 2: Battling Back From The Brink

Chapter 3: Staying Focused

Chapter 4: Rules, Damn Rules And Goddamn Rules

Chapter 5: Writing Wrongs And Rights

Chapter 6: Shpilkiss, tsuris and schmutz

Chapter 7: What To Do And Who To Do

Chapter 8: Laws, Damn Laws And Rules

Chapter 9: Things You Shouldn’t Know From

Chapter 10: Tsuris

Chapter 11: Don’t Ask Questions About Fairy Tales.

Chapter 12: The Tribes They Are A Changin’

Glossary

Al fresco – Natural.

Alevai – I can only hope, I wish, if only.

Alter kocker – Ineffectual old man.

Baleboosteh – A wife who is the boss.

Banditt – Pain in the neck.

Bar Mitzvah – A rite to reach manhood.

Barbancourt – Haitian rum.

Bris – Circumcision ceremony.

Bohmerkeh - Bum (feminine).

Borscht – Beet soup.

Boychik – Little boy.

Bubby – Grandmother.

Bubelleh – Term of endearment.

Bupkiss – Worthless, goat droppings.

Challah – A braided loaf of bread.

Chozzerai – Junk, trash.

Cockamamie – Ridiculous, phony.

Chutzpa – Gaul, nerve & arrogance.

Deus ex machina – Improbable event or character used to resolve a plot.

Dishdasha - Egyptian woman’s robe.

Draydle – Toy spinning top.

Emmis – The truth.

Fablondjet – Really lost, mixed-up.

Fakakta – Dopey, mixed up.

Faklempt – Overcome with sadness.

Fapotshket – Messed up.

Farbissen – Mean, dour.

Fadrayt – Confused, mixed up.

Farschtayin – Understand.

Fatooshed – Crazy.

Faygelehs – Gays.

Flanken – Beef boiled beyond recognition.

Galabaya – Egyptian man’s robe.

Gevalt – Expletive of amazement.

Gonif – Crook, clever person.

Gonster macher – A real operator.

Gournisht – Nothing.

Goy – Gentile.

Goyim – Gentile plural.

Goyisha Kup – Think poorly.

Griot – Spiced pork.

Hafikommen – Matzo hidden at Passover.

Hock – Nagging.

Hocking mir a chainik – Nag annoyingly.

Kasha varnishkas – Porridge & noodles.

Keffiyeh – Traditional Arab headdress.

Khanyadot – Fool, spoiled person.

Kishka – Abdomen or stuffed sausage.

Kish mier tuchas – Kiss my ass.

Kreplach – Jewish ravioli.

Knish – Potato-filled dumpling.

Kugel – Potato pie.

Kochalain – Bungalow colony.

Kvetching – Complaining.

Kvell – Swoon.

Landsleit – Countryman plural.

Latkas – Potato pancakes.

Lox – Smoked salmon.

Macher – A doer.

Magillah – Over-elaborate show or speech.

Mah Jongg – Chinese tile game.

Mandelbrot - Cinnamon nut cookie.

Mashrabaya – Egyptian dowel screenwork.

Matzoh – Unleavened bread.

Matzoh Brei – Fried eggs and matzoh.

Mazel – Luck.

Mazel tov – Congratulations.

Mench – Someone to admire.

Meshuggeh – Crazy.

Meshuggener – Crazy man.

Midrash – Interpretation.

Minyon – A quorum of ten men.

Mishegoss – Irrational, insane situation.

Mishnah – Commentary.

Mishpucha – Family.

Mit bristen – With breasts.

Momzer – Clever or impudent one.

Moyles – Men who do ritual circumcisions.

Naches – Joy, gratification.

Nebbish – Ineffectual, weak person.

Nudjer – Nag, pester.

Nudnik – An nag, a pest.

Noruz – Zoroastrian New Year.

Nosh – A snack.

Nova – A higher quality lox.

Nu – Okay? Really? So?

Oomain – Jewish amen.

Oy – Verbal sigh, cry, howl or moan.

Payess – Sideburn curls.

Plotz – To be overcome with emotion.

Poulkie – Chicken leg.

Putz – Angry prejorative or slang for penis.

Ruggalach - Small crescent-shaped pastries.

Sabra – Cactus fruit or native-born Israeli.

Schmaltz – Preserved fatty herring.

Schmuck – A dope, a jerk.

Schmuckalovitch – Dope, jerk.

Schmutz – Dirt.

Schnecken – Sticky buns.

Schlemiel – A foolish person.

Seder – Passover dinner.

Shaygetz – Gentile male.

Shtreimel – Wide Hasidic fur hat.

Shiksa – Gentile female.

Shlepped – Dragged or carried.

Shmatta – Rag.

Shmendrick – A kind of shlemeil.

Shofar – Ram’s horn.

Shpilkiss – Anxiety.

Shtick – A comic bit.

Shtupp – Have sex.

Shul – Synagogue.

Shvartzeh – A Negress.

Shvitz – Steam room, bathhouse, etc.

Shvitzing – Sweating.

Shvung – Jump-start.

Shyster – Crooked lawyer.

Tallis - Prayer shawl.

Tatteleh – Little boy.

Tefillin – Small prayer boxes on two thongs.

Torah – Pentateuch, 5 Books of Moses.

Trayf – Non-kosher foods.

Tsitsiss – Fringes on a prayer shawl.

Tsuris – Trouble.

Tuchis – Person’s backside.

Tzimmes- Shredded carrots and raisins.

Vantz – Repulsive person, bug.

Vey iz mir – Woe is me.

Yamulka – Jews’ skull cap.

Yenta – A gossipy woman.

Yutz – Same as schmuck only more so.

Zaftig – Plump, buxom, juicy.

Zaidy – Grandfather.

Zetz – A punch or a blow.

Zucchetto – Pope’s skull cap.

BOOK I

Genesis

CHAPTER 1

You Call This A Beginning?

I talk to myself a lot.

Which is okay because I write dialogue. If I need a good conversation, I have one—whether there’s anyone around or not.

I also take a lot of drugs—immunosuppressives, corticosteroids, ACE inhibitors, beta-blockers and speed. Which could explain why this conversation didn’t surprise me.

You believe this? A voice asked as a book materialized on my cluttered desk.

Believe what? I picked up the book. What’s this? I scanned my loft, a large-windowed, high-ceilinged room furnished with the effluvia of years spent on Middle and Far Eastern assignments, and saw a thick mist undulating on my Persian carpetbag pillows, And who are you?

"It’s a new Bible and I’m God."

"A New Testament? I squinted into the mist. And you’re God…really?"

"A New Old Testament…and yes really, I’m God. You expected maybe Morgan Freeman?"

I wasn’t expecting anyone. I reclined my seatback for this new flight of fancy. "But okay. If you’re God and this is a new Old Testament, I shrugged, What’s the big deal about a new Bible? They publish ’em all the time. Big moneymakers. Have been for centuries. People look in them for answers."

People need answers?

People got questions.

And people get answers from that book?

I smirked as the usual self-sparring I did to build a good debate began. Religious leaders give people answers from that book.

God frowned, What do these leaders tell people?

They tell them what you meant when you said stuff in the book.

They know what I meant?

They make it up. It’s called Theology.

Like you think you’re making this up now?

I frowned as the voice spoke different words than I’d imagined, I’m not making this up?

You’re not making this up.

Well, if I’m not making this up, I felt myself listening for rather than thinking up answers, I got a couple of questions for you.

Shoot.

One, how do I know you’re God? Two, what do you want from me? Three, if you’re not me, why am I hearing in English? And four, am I nuts?

One, if I wasn’t God, you’d have had to ring me in downstairs. Two, I need a modern writer to help rewrite this book. Three, you’re hearing me in English because you never listened in Hebrew school and four, other than the fact that a couple is two, I don’t know if you’re nuts.

You deal with many nuts?

The book’s cover flipped open to Genesis, I had a regular trail mix in here.

And you want me to help rewrite this?

Just the Torah. The rest is sequel.

But I write fiction. Is this fiction?

Everything was fiction, God smirked, in the beginning.

CHAPTER 2

So Begin Already

"You really wanted the Bible to start that way?"

You want better, ‘it was a dark and stormy night’? God sighed, "The dark I had already. The stormy and the night, I didn’t create until later. You ever try creating in the dark? It was darker than a coalminer’s kishkas out there. I had to watch my step. Believe you me, when I stub a toe someone hears about it."

But there wasn’t anyone.

No one Moses knew about, but I had a whole world… the Almighty’s voice chuckled, You know how many sides a sphere has? How many people besides Moses I worked with?

So the Jews weren’t your Chosen people?

"You see where I mention Jews in Genesis? There weren’t any Jews yet. No Jews, no goyim, no nobody. No bodies period, farschtayin?"

Got it. Go on.

Okay, so, the Almighty paused, where was I?

You created light.

And it was good, God nodded. I told Moses to write that.

He did.

"But you get tired of nothing but light. After a while, you need dark. You need variety. You eat lox all day you need a little pound cake, nu? God frowned, Not a great example, but this is a first draft, yes?"

You’ve seen me write before?

I’ve seen everybody do everything before. I’m like Santa Claus, but with longer hours, the Almighty smiled. Nick got himself a good deal when the Christians picked him. Used to watch good and bad people for Odin, too, God shrugged. Christians had to change things because Oden would kill the bad ones. The Almighty lightened up, When Thomas Nast drew Nick’s portrait, he finally got famous. Even got Coke ads…

Like Joe Greene.

…short hours, nice travel allowance, staff to do the grunt work. Nick’s got it nice. I should be so lucky. So, God nodded, I made light and cut the light with some dark. Made a nice change, but too sudden, so I softened it. Smoothed it out, you know? Made it nice. Dawn, dusk—the works.

The refraction made nice colors, too.

"Ike Newton loved that. Saw that light wasn’t just light. A mench he was. Found the wiggle room I left so people could get ideas. Things to make light more interesting—useful even. God nodded again, Okay, so I had light and dark and the in-between stuff on the Second day. But the earth was still a mess—like a teenager’s room it looked."

I might have used a different image.

You sell more books than me, Mister Critic?

I don’t believe this.

You think I’m here because you believe?

Okay. Alright already. I got it. Jeez, I sighed. So, it says here, ‘God said let there be an expanse’…you said expanse?

Expanse you don’t like now?

I’m just saying…

"This is written in English. You think I wrote in English? You think anyone wrote in English? I didn’t even invent English until…"

I didn’t think you wrote at all.

I wrote like you wouldn’t believe. You know, they lost a lot when they got away from Aramaic. There’s things you can say in Aramaic… the Almighty sighed.

Like?

You know that feeling you get when the Q-tip hits just the right spot in your ear?

What?

You got a word for it in English?

Well, no, but…

I rest my case. God nodded, "You got to remember, this Bible is a translation from a translation from a translation by writers who were probably no better than…You know that game telephone? Where you say something that’s repeated down a line of people until the last one gets it? It always changes, yes? And it’s always wrong, right?"

So, you’re saying this is wrong?

"I’m saying it’s the umpteenth translation in a language that didn’t even exist when the original Bible was written in the first place."

So it’s wrong?

"You’re a momzer, you know that?"

I get that a lot. I nodded, So it says here that this expanse was called sky and that’s what gave us day and night?

Close enough.

Then it says, and I’m giving you the condensed version here…

Do me a favor. Don’t condense. Don’t enhance. Just give me what’s there.

Cute, I read, It says you separated the waters so the land could appear, and you produced seed-bearing vegetation according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seeds according to their kinds upon the land. Okay?

That condensed or enhanced?

That’s what’s here.

Little simplistic for my taste, but a rocket scientist Moses wasn’t.

I get the feeling he didn’t like writing description, either.

Taking dictation also wasn’t high on his list, God sighed. "Thought he was a big shot. Real temper, too. Anyway, what else you got? Telling this story was no trip to the shvitz for me, either."

Let’s see, that took care of the Third day, and then on the Fourth day you created the sun, the moon and the stars to have lights to go with the big light and dark you made on the Second day.

And the sunrises and sunsets I got with the vastness…

Better than expanse, but not great.

You never heard of a thesaurus, Mister Fiction Writer?

Look who’s so sensitive.

The Almighty smirked, I’m whatever you made me.

I made you? You’re God.

"And I live in a Kingdom which, according to your goyim, is within, right? You know how many ‘withins’ there are if every person has one? God smirked, Well, my fiction-writing non-believer, if you’re hearing sensitive, and you’re made in my image, which, let’s face it, is your image of what I am, then you’re hearing you calling you sensitive."

"You know what’s scary? I