You Are My Sunshine

AuthorHouse™ UK Ltd.

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Phone: 08001974150

© 2010 Shirley Gittoes & Rosemary Elliott. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 11/5/2010.

ISBN: 978-1-4520-9768-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-2571-4 (eBook)

Front cover image: Copyright Alan Karl Photography www.alankarlphotography.co.uk

Contents

Foreword

Dedicated to

Acknowledgements

Book One

Chapter 1 The Beginning

Chapter 2 Life goes on

Chapter 3 Charlie

Chapter 4 Joe

Chapter 5 The Journey

Book Two

Chapter 1 Introductions

Chapter 2 Grief and Pain

Chapter 3 Moving Forward

Chapter 4 New Beginnings

Chapter 5 Troubled Times

Chapter 6 Health Visitor / Health Visiting

Foreword

Every day in the UK, 17 babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth. Every year the lives of over 6,000 families are shattered by the death of their baby. Their journey through grief to a new equilibrium is long and often lonely.

This book tells the story of one mother’s journey but, unusually, this is accompanied by her health visitor’s perspective.

With great openness and honesty, Shirley describes how joyful anticipation of the birth of her first baby turned to devastation. She gives the reader a unique insight into the long and rocky road she had to travel and the difficulties she experienced during and after two more pregnancies and births.

Rosemary, Shirley’s health visitor, describes very eloquently what it is like to accompany a mother through their grief. Her ability to provide sensitive and respectful care shines through as does her determination to offer long-term care.

Together, the authors provide a unique insight into the very special and therapeutic relationship that can be developed between a bereaved mother and a health professional. Nobody can remove the pain that the death of a baby brings. There is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. However, here is proof that with sensitivity and persistence, midwives and health visitors can build trust and really make a difference to the long term wellbeing of families.

Judith Schott 2010

Sands Improving Care manager

Co-author of Pregnancy Loss and the death of a baby: guidelines for professionals Sands 2007

Dedicated to

Book One

My best friend and husband Tim and our three beautiful children

Heulwen, Charlie & Joseph. Thank you for shaping my life to what it is today.

A special thank you to my Mum and Dad for their wonderful support and

Clare for still being my friend throughout the long journey.

Book Two

To Shirley and her family. They have taught me a great deal about real courage.

For all the health visitors’ who are prepared to ‘go the extra mile’ to deliver appropriate professional care to grieving families. God bless you!

And to a little Ray of Sunshine who touched my heart.

Acknowledgements

Book One

Rosemary Elliott

Everyone who has been part of my life and though unnamed are still part of this book.

To all the special friends who have supported me through the writing of this book.

To all the wonderful health professionals who have touched my family.

Book Two

I have to admit that although I was the person to suggest to Shirley that we write a book about our journey together, I still had to wrestle with my feelings of not being sure about how helpful I would be within the text of the story itself. I feel that this story is Shirley and Tim’s and it is one that should be told. I have found that through my career, not only in nursing but also in health visiting a true story is a very powerful tool and one that assists others who find themselves in a professional supportive role.

I remember when Shirley first asked me to talk at the Sands conference in Builth Wells in 2008, I went through the same wrestling process because again I had been unsure about my usefulness. I had suggested that Shirley ‘tell her story’ with me supporting her. While I suggested that approach, I was well aware how hard it would be for Shirley to deliver Heulwen’s story to an audience of professionals and individuals who had also lost an infant at some point in their lives.

However, that is what happened. Shirley delivered a very powerful story with me injecting in my part as it became appropriate. I am sure that a good few people went away with a lot to think about. That conference has been one of the most humbling experiences in my career but it is coupled with shame after hearing some of the stories of loss from attending individuals and the subsequent lack of caring support they experienced from professionals.

During my career as a health visitor, I have had many surprises, challenges and certainly dealt with my fair share of horror stories. However the one thing I can say with certainty is that through that time I have occasionally had the honour to work with individuals, who in their lives and through no fault of their own have had to experience unimaginable pain and anguish because of the loss of an infant. Two such people are Shirley and Tim and this is the story of our journey together.

Book One 

Chapter 1

The Beginning

Spring 2000

Can’t believe this, absolutely amazing. I had been so busy this month it really had not clicked that I was actually two weeks late. Being pregnant had not even come into my mind until I fainted whilst taking parade. I remember getting home from the weekend cadet training and going straight to the bathroom and doing the test. Looking at that second line come visible was so surreal. The excitement bubbled over and I had to tell Tim. He was sitting by the computer, I was barely able to speak for the excitement and light-headedness so I just put the test stick in front of him on the table. I think it took a minute for him to register firstly what it was I was thrusting in front of him, and then the realisation that it was a positive result. Slowly the smile came over his face, I could see that he was pleased, though for Tim the excitement of the pending fatherhood didn’t really take hold until further into the pregnancy.

Being quite naive my first port of call was going to the doctor. I didn’t know what was expected and whom I was supposed to tell. I went in and the doctor in her normal doctor manner said And what can I do for you today? My sheepish response was I think I am pregnant. Such a silly response for a thirty-year-old who was so pleased to be there and proud to say ‘I am pregnant’. The doctor asked what test was used and that the home tests are very accurate and congratulations.

Congratulations… never thought of that being the word to use. At this stage I still have another thirty-five weeks to get through. It was a really nice word to hear, and such a positive word. The doctor then went through with me the basic process of booking in with the midwife and that unless I had any medical problems through the pregnancy I wouldn’t have to go to her again. Seemed logical to me, let’s be fair midwives were trained in the aspects of pregnancy and obviously the doctors had a lot of trust and confidence in the community staff. So immediately I felt confident and assured that I was being put into the care of some wonderful people.

I had an appointment with the midwife the following week for a booking in appointment. I spent about an hour with the midwife going through so much; past medical history, the here and now, my details and the details of my husband Tim. It all seemed routine. She explained who my community midwives would be and how often I would be seen. We live in a county that does not have a general district hospital, so we discussed which hospital we would like to have babe in. Though the pregnancy wasn’t classed as high risk I was over weight according to the BMI charts so she advised me that I would most likely be advised to go to the main hospital, which to be honest was just going over my head. I just went along with everything that was said. I knew she knew what she was on about and she said that there was plenty of time to discuss it with Tim and the midwives again.

My next appointment to see the midwife was a month later. During the month I had suffered from terrible morning sickness. At that stage morning sickness just did not seem the right description to me, as I was sick pretty much continuously throughout the day. I had to tell my boss a lot sooner than I wanted to because I struggled to drag myself away from the toilet in the mornings. I was frightened that I would walk down the street and start heaving again. Not a pretty sight for someone to see. On a couple of days I didn’t manage to get to work because I was so bad with the sickness. This was a learning curve for Tim. He felt so unable to help, and being quite a sickly person it took him a while before he was even able to put his arm through the door just to rub my back. I remember one day I was so glad he was there as I was struggling to get a breath through the heaving. He was such a gentle person and soothed me enough to be able to just relax to take that breath. Talk about trying every single old wives tales for morning sickness. None of them really worked, not for me during this pregnancy.

The next few months of the pregnancy were event free. My appointments with the midwife were going fine; I didn’t seem to be any different from anyone else, other than constantly sick. We had the Downs Syndrome blood test done, though the rate was high it wasn’t what we felt was a concern, 1-200. To us that was fair and even if we were that 1 in 200 we were not able to terminate this much-wanted baby. The appointment with the midwife when she found babe’s heartbeat for the first time was such an amazing appointment. I could not believe that this little baby inside of me was already so advanced. I searched for all the information on the foetus that I could find and knew that babe was fully formed and was now growing in size. Life was just so amazing.

With a work colleague we took our final exams for our Dental Nurse qualification in the November. The training we had been doing for the last twelve months. The results I wouldn’t receive until after babe was born. Something else I could look forward to.

I continued to work until thirty-six weeks when I was advised by my midwife to finish as my job entailed being on my feet a lot and they were starting to swell noticeably. Babe was due at Christmas, so I finished work at the end of November.

During this month I had a student health visitor come and visit me at home. She wanted to go through the purpose of the health visitor within mine and babe’s future. It was nice to know what was going to happen; to know that I wouldn’t be just left on my own with a new baby in my arms. That thought did petrify me. Everyone used to say Don’t worry it all comes naturally I just hoped they were all correct in their thinking. I wasn’t as convinced as them.

I was down to weekly visits to the midwife; my due date came and went. The New Year was on us and Tim was back at work. I was walking a bit more now in the hopes it would shift this baby out. I was absolutely huge and at the final stage of being totally exhausted and tired of being pregnant. The consultant had told us that if babe had not made an appearance by the 14th January, then I would be induced. I was so hoping this wouldn’t be needed as I had heard that it was more painful if induced.

It snowed over the next few days and I remember Tim every morning going out to check the car started and was defrosted. We didn’t want to be caught out. Thank goodness the cold spell did not stay for long. On the 11th January, I went to bed quite early as I had been finding it so hard to sleep. Sleep again did not want to grace me, as within an hour of me going to bed I started to have severe pain in my abdomen. I left it for a while just trying to find some position that was comfortable. No such luck. I called Tim, who was still up watching telly. He came up and sat with me and timed the contractions.

It was weird but I remember thinking that if this was the pain, I have no idea how women kept having babies. It was so