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    Goodbye My Love, I Love You and I Miss You
    Goodbye My Love, I Love You and I Miss You
    Goodbye My Love, I Love You and I Miss You
    Ebook115 pages2 hours

    Goodbye My Love, I Love You and I Miss You

    By Lynda D. Holland

    ()

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    About this ebook

    After the sudden, unexplained
    death of her husband
    Lynda shares her struggles in the
    year following his death. She
    discusses her feelings and fears
    of her life without him and tells
    of the heartaches she endured
    during the year of firsts. As an
    interracial couple in the 70s she
    addresses the hurdles they faced
    in their relationship and how
    that relationship developed into a
    beautiful life together that ended
    too early.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAuthorHouse
    Release dateFeb 24, 2011
    ISBN9781456726997
    Goodbye My Love, I Love You and I Miss You
    Author

    Lynda D. Holland

    Lynda Holland was raised in Pennsylvania where she met Ed. They moved to Ohio where they married and raised their three children.

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      Book preview

      Goodbye My Love, I Love You and I Miss You - Lynda D. Holland

      © 2011 Lynda D. Holland. All rights reserved.

      No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

      First published by AuthorHouse 2/22/2011

      ISBN: 978-1-4567-2699-7 (e)

      ISBN: 978-1-4567-2700-0 (sc)

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2011900289

      Printed in the United States of America

      Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

      and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

      Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any Web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      Contents

      Is This A Dream?

      An Autopsy?

      Visiting the Funeral Home

      A Long First Day

      Day Two: The Cemetery

      Day Three: Cold Government Offices

      The Pall Bearers

      Now We Wait for the Funeral

      The Wake

      The Funeral

      Could He Be Trying to Contact Us?

      Making Changes

      Our First Holiday without Him

      Back to our Routines

      Another Previous Death – Could There Be a Connection?

      Another Call

      We are Thankful for our Neighbors and Friends

      The Last Laugh

      Firsts: Birthdays, Holidays, Anniversaries, Sports Events

      Seeing His Name on the Stone in the Mausoleum for the First Time

      The Seasons Move On

      How Can We Endure Another Loss?

      All Saints Day

      Birthday, Election, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years

      New Year’s Eve and a New Year

      The Last First

      The First Anniversary of His Death

      Another Loss

      Sharing with Others

      Other Memorable Events

      How Could this Have Happened?

      When we Met

      Our First Home

      Moving On and Up

      And Baby Makes Three

      Owning My Own Company

      Another Bundle of Joy

      A Change in Employers

      Our Family is Complete

      Back to Work

      25th Wedding Anniversary

      Off To Europe

      Medical Issues

      More Cruising

      Our Fairytale Begins to Unravel

      Our 35th Anniversary

      A Father’s Love and Concern

      Still the Parental Responsibilities

      The Emergency Room

      Intensive Care

      Emergency Heart Catheterization

      To Curtis, Zachary, and Christina,

      May you always remember what a wonderful man your father was and may you be as lucky as I was to find the love of your life.

      Is This A Dream?

      I lost my husband, Edward Fitz Holland, a little more than a year ago on March 10, 2008. He was my high school sweetheart, my husband of 35 years, the father of our three beautiful children; Curtis 23, Zachary 20 and Christina 17, the love of my life, and my best friend. It was a cold snowy weekend. The weather forecast called for significant accumulation and it was right. While many people remember it as the worst weather weekend of 2008, I remember it as the worst weekend of my life.

      I recall leaving the hospital at 7:00 a.m. that Monday morning to go home carrying only his clothes. It’s a wonder I even had those as he was transferred so many places in the hospital during the 48 hour period he was there even the hospital had some difficulty tracking them down. My children were with me along with my parents and my two younger sisters, Cindi and Karen. I was in shock and absolutely numb with disbelief of what had taken place over the weekend.

      As we were leaving the hospital the morning shift was arriving. In spite of the size of the hospital, we met Theresa, the mother of one of Zachary’s former hockey teammates who was reporting to her nursing job. I remember being at a hockey tournament in Niagara Falls when the boys were in junior high school. Theresa’s parents were there to watch their grandson. During the game Theresa’s father suffered a heart attack and did not survive. It was a very frightening and sad time. How ironic that she would be the first person we would meet. Of course, she was curious about why we were there. How could I tell her? What words do I use to describe something that is yet so hard to believe? I didn’t want to hear myself speak it.

      We arrived home from the hospital to the house where we had lived for 22 years. Suddenly it felt very empty. Now what do we do? My immediate thought was to follow Ed’s Monday morning routine and fax his time sheet for his consulting hours of the previous week to his employer. Can’t things just be normal?

      I had been at the hospital since Saturday night so I hadn’t slept in 52 hours. Maybe if I get some sleep, the nightmare will be over when I wake up. While I was sleeping however, my youngest sister, Karen, was charged with the task of going through my address book to begin notifying people. I’m glad I was able to nap through that.

      An Autopsy?

      I think I only got about three hours of sleep before the phone calls started coming in. First was the autopsy office. Because we did not know what caused Ed’s death I had agreed to a limited autopsy, or so I thought. If he had been strong enough on Monday, the hospital was going to perform a biopsy of the heart. They would go through a vein with a device that would allow them to take a tissue sample of the heart. This would hopefully give them some idea of what was happening. What I did not understand was that once someone has passed away this procedure is impossible as the blood in the veins congeals and it is therefore impossible to get the instrument through the vein. The Dr. scheduled to perform the autopsy was unsure of the extent of what was actually to be done, so it was necessary for her to call for clarification. There was some thought early on that the damage to the heart was possibly caused by the chemotherapy or radiation Ed had endured as a result of a recent bout with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I thought it would be appropriate to talk to his oncologist about the autopsy and called him for his thoughts. His initial response was disbelief. He had never lost a Hodgkin’s patient and could not believe Ed was gone. Because it had been diagnosed early, his course of treatment was less severe than what many other Hodgkin’s patients receive. The oncologist did not feel the treatment Ed received could have caused his death. The doses of chemotherapy were fewer in number than most and the radiation was on the right side while the heart is on the left. I remember him saying of course the autopsy was my decision. It would be textbook for him but, we really need to know what happened to this man. I agreed, how could a 56 year old man who attended a meeting at his daughter’s high school Thursday night and went to work on Friday be gone by Monday morning? He had complained that he did not feel well Thursday night and had gone to bed early but still pushed himself to go to work on Friday. So, based on the oncologist’s comment, I agreed to a limited autopsy. It could only be the heart and it must be returned to his body when the autopsy was completed. I guess I’ve seen too many medical TV shows to allow a complete autopsy. I have no idea what takes place in a complete autopsy, but the thought of this procedure on the person I love was more than I could bear. That heart that offered so much love had to be returned to his body or he would not be complete.

      Visiting the Funeral Home

      There was so much work to be done, phone calls to make, arrangements to decide upon. It’s hard to remember exactly everything that happened that day but I know someone, maybe me, made an appointment at the funeral home. Who researches funeral homes at our age to have any idea of which one to choose? Thankfully we had been members of our church for over 25 years and our minister, who we liked very much and who had spent many hours with us at the hospital, was able to give us some direction.

      I had often told Ed my wishes. I did want the traditional viewing with a casket and a church service with the casket at the church. Then I would wish to be cremated with my remains put in an urn to be placed on the mantel of the fireplace. We often joked that way I could be with him even after my death. Why was I so sure I would go before him? Why did he never express his wishes to me? Now what do I do…..cremation, embalming, urn, casket?

      Because the kids were involved in all the decision making so far, we all went to the funeral home. Karen accompanied us as she had been through this before and had some knowledge of the process. In disbelief we looked at caskets made of various products, styles, colors, and interiors. Curtis at first wanted a beautiful wooden one but, when the price was revealed, we soon had to change from wanting the best and most beautiful to one that was second best and affordable. We agreed on a dark green exterior with a beautiful off-white velvet-like interior. Green was one of Ed’s favorite colors. Do we embalm? I had never thought to even ask him these questions and in my numbness I agreed. That is all I have ever known to happen although I don’t want to know the process and wonder today if it was the right choice.

      We agreed that the service would be Saturday, March 15th to allow all of those from out of town plenty of travel time as well as give those who were working the possibility of attending without having to take time off of work. I recalled on several occasions wanting to attend funerals but with such a limited time off policy at work, I could not take the time. Considering he had so many relatives, fraternity brothers, and friends outside of the Cleveland area, waiting until Saturday would be the best.

      Although there would be visitation at the funeral home, I wanted the actual service to be at the church. We

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